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Mental health communities can be so draining. Aside from the anti-recovery behaviour, there's the tone policing. I get it, I've been there, but sometimes it just makes it more tiring than not reaching out for help at all

I think I’ll tell my story here in case anybody relates at all. I’m 20 now, but when I was a teenager I would watch cartoon porn, a typical thing for teens to do. I’d do most of my searching on google since it seemed safe and never thought much about what I was watching. Around when I turned 19 I learned that some of the stuff I had watched was absolutely vile, like animated cartoon children. This stuff would just show up in my recommended images and I wouldn’t bat an eye on the ages of these characters or think I did anything wrong at the time. I did this more than once. It is so disgusting how this stuff managed to just appear everywhere when impressionable people like me don’t know what they’re actually looking at. This sent me down a spiral of guilt and depression, and prior to this I also had undiagnosed OCD of various types, mainly relating to my health and fearing death. I don’t know how I saw that stuff and didn’t realize what I was doing, it seems impossible that I wouldn’t recognize that and now I believe I actually wanted to indulge in such awful media. It’s a part of me that I have to live with now and I feel soulless, like I committed the worst human act, even if technically no actual people were harmed. I would never hurt a real person, and this fear of being something I never thought I could be really drags me down. You can’t find reassurance anywhere on this topic because everyone simply says how awful this type of stuff is and that you’re automatically a pedophile for even watching it, and it just leaves me with a sunken heart. I would lock myself away in a box for eternity if it meant I wouldn’t ever hurt a child or human being. I even told my parents and they think it’s fine what I did since it was all fantasy, my OCD therapist said it’s fine and gave me a few ERP techniques which definitely help, but it never seems to be enough in the long term. I just wish I could go back and stop myself from looking at this filth, but I can’t, it’s ruined my life and I’m so unsure of how to move on sometimes. I feel like I deserve to punish myself eternally like this for the thoughts, the awful memories, and everything else that came from this. It feels like more than a mistake, it feels like what I did is a life ending event. Sorry for my rant, but maybe someone else has a similar story, I still believe things can get better in the future. Any advice would be nice.

My partner and I were doing stuff on the phone and it was so erotic and I was enjoying myself but then I had the thought, “Almost there but not quite” I immediately felt myself shut down and suddenly I was scared and grossed out. I hate myself , we were both really enjoying ourselves and my mind just pushed me completely out of the moment because I wanted something more but I don’t know what and this happens a lot I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I always going to have that thought??? I was really enjoying myself 💔💔

I honestly believe that there is no hope for me anymore. I've never been so low and afraid in my life and I'm afraid of myself. I'm no longer afraid of thoughts I'm afraid of acting out my harmful "urges" I haven't found anyone else who feels like they are gonna act on their fears and that makes it worse. I'm so afraid, there's no hope, there's nothing but darkness for me. I'm about to leave my child behind because I feel like it would be best for her.

I don’t know if anyone here saw my posts from yesterday but the same things are still bothering me so much and I feel so much guilt. I tried my best today to stay busy and not ruminate but as soon as I got home, the guilt hit me. I don’t want to eat anything because I feel like I don’t deserve to eat and I feel like I have to confess to my mom or else I’m not going to feel better but every time I even try to talk to her, she gets mad and twists everything I say and makes it worse. I just want someone to help me and to be understanding. I feel so alone and scared it’s no joke

I have so much anxiety today. Too many stressors and the holiday regrets. Feel like what is the point in continuing on. Like why deal with the OCD and its anxiety all the time? I feel like crying and giving up. Have not felt so dejected in a long time. Dad died this year, going through a divorce, and my Mom will be back to being alone when I fly home. This just sucks!

You know something. I just thought of something that would really help along the lines of productive thinking. If we struggle to stop an addiction, make a tough decision, or think back to what should have been rather than what was, we can ask ourselves one thing: Will ____ help better my life in any way? Let's go for some examples. Let's say a man has a crippling addiction with alcohol. He practically can't live without it and he struggles with it on a day to day basis. It drains him, he wants to give it up completely, but he can't seem to do so. There are even times where he struggles to see if this is bettering or worsening his life. He can ask himself "How is this helping me in my life currently?" He could have lost his job due to alcohol, his home. Whether more good things or more bad things, he can use those past experiences to apply them to his present and his future. If that man were to deeply think about his addiction, he can say to himself "This isn't adding anything to my life. I should cut this out now and forever." Though it won't be easy, he at the very least knows that this is something that is hurting him more than it is helping him. Another example would be a woman who finds herself nervous about her upcoming play at her workplace. She looks forward to this moment of her life, but at the same time, her emotions feel otherwise. She can take time to think to herself "How will this better my life?" This could help reduce her stage fright, find a new interest in performing in plays, and after participating in such, she may find that she will be very happy that she made the decision to be a part in that play. I'm someone that often gets stuck in the past with good and bad memories. I do this almost everyday and it's stronger in some days than others. Good memories often come from my childhood. The bad ones usually spawn in my adolescence based on what I wish I had done, what I wish I knew at the time, and what I thought I could do better now. I can use the deep thinking question that is "How will ruminating over this improve my overall quality of life?" Thinking about solutions of things like this are definitely viable, but getting stuck on that spinning wheel isn't, however. It is helpful to remind yourself of what you have learned, what you can do better, and how much you have improved based on who you were last year. These are things I do try to remember, but they aren't brought up as much as the ruminating. I have to make the conscious effort to remind myself that things were good in my childhood, I've had bad experiences in my adolescence like everyone else, and right now, I have things that I am proud of currently but also bad habits that I would like to practice removing from my livelihood. I hope this helps those that go through ruminating, or any kind of OCD that has them thinking in ways they don't want to but can't help do so. In short, the takeaway from this is if you have trouble deciding if something is worth it or if something is bettering or worsening your life: Ask yourself: "How will engaging in this better my life in the long run?" Thinking about the long term benefits of these short term actions which are typically more in the moment can help with decision making and hopefully gain control of the way you think and decide on things.

Are there any other Christians struggling with Real Event OCD? Specifically being able to differentiate between if it’s the OCD making me feel like I need to confess to more people or if it’s actually guilt coming from the Holy Spirit that is trying to convict me so that I will talk with elders in the church or something, etc.? For a tad more information in case it helps you respond to me- The “real event” wasn’t any action(s) that I committed. It was just thoughts/feelings that I had that were inappropriate. I never acted on them and never would. I even prayed them away when I had them at times, but I don’t think it’s fair to call them intrusive either. I feel like they were my thoughts/feelings. I already confessed to my husband 728734 times and will be talking to a counselor in January (first she had available), but in the mean time I am struggling very, very badly. It’s led me to being very depressed and my mind constantly swirling like a tornado. It’s also led to lots of other “themes”… also, I’m new to OCD. I’ve only been seen in the past professionally very briefly for “general anxiety” although it’s starting to become clear to me that I’ve had OCD all along.

Just had a doctor's appointment and I was telling her about my contamination issues - that I shower before sex and after going to the toilet etc. And she was like 'that's excessive'. I told her I had OCD and her tone implied she thought I was being dramatic. It was so dismissive and now I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Especially when none of my friends really understand what's going on :( Sorry, just had to vent this out!! Hope you're all having better days than I am :')

Hey guys. I just to share the intrusive thoughts in my mind with you guys to see if someone out there could relate to it and help me out a little bit. I am having some very disturbing, eerie & almost unexplainable thoughts since my early childhood. And they've always got me into enormous amount of anxiety which I can't explain. I'll just write down these thoughts. 1. Thoughts that tell me you're a bad person who wants to hurt someone. 2. Thoughts that tell me that deep down you don't love your life & you want to get rid of it. (Of course I don't want to.) 3. Some thoughts tell me that don't get near some objects otherwise you'll unconsciously harm someone. 4. There is also a strange thought that you'll get up from your bed at night and unconsciously hurt yourself and your family. (LOL) 5. I also have some thoughts in mind about being pedophile and harming children. 6. Sometimes I get worried while being next to a sick person, I feel I'll get contaminated by his germs. 7. Existential Thoughts like, "you know one day you'll die, so why would you enjoy your life and make it better". 8. When I read about some kind of disease or I see a post about self-harm or anything else, I think I might have this disease or I might be the same person. I even start to have symptoms of that disease for a moment. 9. & Yesterday a thought popped into my mind that this world is not real & you're living in an alternate reality of the world. (or like the dream world shown in some movies) There are many more thoughts like this in my mind & when I didn't know about their nature or why they happen, I really thought they mean something about me. I am a very nice & caring person & thoughts like this always got me into depression. I would always try to push them away or try to argue with the thoughts. I would seek reassurance from my family that I'm a nice man who won't hurt anyone. But this all couldn't help until I came across some books about intrusive thoughts & OCD. These books changed my views about these thoughts and I really started to get my life back on track. But then I got uncertain about the tips written in book. Because in those books it was mentioned that the first thing you need to do to break free from these kind of thoughts is "accepting" them & then "letting it go". When I tried to accept these thoughts, they bounced back with, "yes you are this kind of person, you yourself accepted it, now do it". I don't know why the acceptance couldn't help. I'm confused what to do when they reply like this. My anxiety goes even higher and I'm completely frustrated on how to accept these thoughts and let them go. Now I just want you guys to help me, read the whole passage, and tell me whether your intrusive thoughts also bounce back like this, or am I the only one? And also tell me the best way tp get rid of these thoughts or accept them without any other types of thoughts caused by this acceptance. Thanks a Lot.

It’s been a really difficult past week, my real event, pocd, and false memory had been off the charts. I’ve had to call the suicide hotline several times and have had to talk with my friend and family about it all again, for reassurance and just to get an extra ear. They all reassure me which I know makes OCD worse, but it’s gotten to the point that where. I amount of reassurance helps anymore, my false memory is crazy and the only reason I absolutely know it’s false is because it makes no sense and out of all the checking that I’ve done. I’m terrified, I’m constantly questioning all of my intentions big or small and feel ashamed any time I’m slightly happy, I’m feeling hopeless, and I’m not asking for reassurance or to hear any kind words. I suppose I’m just venting. It’s been really difficult, hopefully my therapy appointment next week might help

Does anyone want to talk? Someone familiar with so-ocd preferably please

Real event ocd with pocd is hell it really makes me think I’m a monster maybe I even was years ago…. Sucks u can’t talk about it openly

I've been doing ERP because it claims to make it go away. I faced my anxiety and had a full on panic attack doing ERP. I had thought of disturbing thoughts so much that I was actually calm with it and was able to get to a resting heart rate. But I started getting confused like why am I okay with this thought happening to me? Am I actually enjoying the thought of this? Is this what ERP was supposed to do to me? I feel like I could actually be gay now! All these thoughts rushing in so I looked up a therapist on youtube who said to pretend to enjoy these thoughts. Like tell yourself you enjoy these thoughts while doing ERP. I tried it but now im questioning myself EVEN MORE because I actually convinced myself I like it. Somebody please tell me how to handle this I'm really anxious right now and I don't even know if it's OCD and i've been lying to myself saying it's OCD

Any Christians with ocd? It’s really been attacking my faith

TW Pocd 18+ I’m so scared if I violated my niece in some way. A long time ago I remember I kept tickling her and she was getting mad and I wouldn’t stop I mean eventually I did but I’m so scared that it makes me a monster because as a teenager I had a weird fetish about that and now when I think back of when I did that I’m scared what if I had weird feelings like arousal which if I did it had nothing to do with her but because I used to have a tickling fetish. But I keep thinking because of it, or if ive violated or hurt her in some way because I was just being silly or stupid and I really meant no harm. What do I do? I’m absolutely terrified. It’s so embarrassing to talk about

I’m just feeling so incredibly awful right now. Someone on a discord server I’m in admitted that a few years ago they were sexually rping with a minor. They didn’t find out they were a minor until now, nor had they ever asked previously, and they themself were also a minor (both then and now). Someone brought up loli in relation and I just felt myself freeze. Because years ago I had found shota and had masturbated to it (I don’t think I understood fully what it was at the time but when I think back on it now there’s not a whole lot of room for misunderstanding) and I just feel so horrible. I had found it during a previous OCD spike of a different obsession and I wonder if I did it as a horrible sort of bad coping mechanism. Doesn’t matter now. I hate that it happened. I hate that I ever looked at it. I wish I could go back to before and slap myself. No one on that discord knows about what I just mentioned, nor will they ever. I never even really thought about that stuff until this spike that I’ve been in for about a year now. And now I’m super scared. I know I’ve never wanted or desired anything like that. I’ve always wanted older men or men my age. But now I just feel so disgusted and horrible and ashamed and I’m crying and I don’t know what to do. I know when I’ve compulsed myself into realizing that I’m not an actual and that I’ve never wanted that stuff I felt immense relief and felt like my normal self. But times like now where I feel just so disgusted and feel like I’ve been punched in the gut and that I’ve just been in denial this entire time when I know I have not. I know that when I heard about an actual getting caught before this spike I felt horrified and disgusted and couldn’t understand why people would do that. But now I get these intrusive thought like “you want that too, just admit it.” But I don’t! Dare I say I don’t even feel like I truly know who I am anymore. Before I was so happy to be an aunt and wanted to spend time with my niece as much as I could, and I always made sure to play with my little cousins and I’ve loved them so much. But now my brain is like “you’ve always secretly wanted to do inappropriate things to them” but I’m pretty sure I haven’t! The only thing I can think of is suddenly getting an intrusive thought like that when around them but not really paying it much mind (like you’re supposed to), and it’s just me remembering that now. Idk. Who knows. And even me saying that I don’t want it or never wanted it feels half-hearted, not certain like it used to (which I know, OCDs doing). Ive even been feeling groinals responses, which don’t really feel anything like true arousal (ive felt what true arousal feels like, and this ain’t it, chief. And I felt that true arousal with guys older or same age). Hell I’ve played romance games where I know all of the romance options are of age (and the games are rated for 18+ so I would HOPE there wouldn’t be any romanceable minors) yet one of them I’ll pass on because their overall presence just makes me feel like they’re too young and I only see them as like a little sibling or even as like my adopted child lol I know I’m rambling. I think I just compulsed myself to calmness, so……whoops. But I felt like I just needed to get it all out anyway because I felt like I was going to explode :/

Hey guys thought i'd share my story as I just recently found out about OCD and I've never talked about it with anyone. Hoping someone can relate. I believe I've had OCD my entire life, but I didn't know what it really was until recently as it has gotten worse and worse internally. As a kid, there were several rituals and responses I would perform as a means of mentally "relieving stress." For example, if there was anything that accidentally touched the left side of my body, I would feel the urge and the need to touch the same thing with the right side of my body to keep that balance. I would also always put on my left sock first, my left contact lens first, and shoes and other things out of fear that if I didn't something bad would happen. I would constantly seek correlation with meaningless things that I did and whether or not something bad was going to happen to me or those around me. Although I don't remember this OCD as something that was ruining my life at the time, it certainly did affect me and I had 2 nervous breakdowns because of it, as I recall. A few years ago, it started to get much worse-to the point where it would affect my daily life. As far as I can remember, there was a whole year in 2016/2017 where I had mentally convinced myself that I was racist. There was a lot of social unrest at the time, and my mind was repeatedly telling me that I'm racist or that I'm a bigot for being white--while I had never felt that I was racist before. I would have racist thoughts in my head and would feel the need to mentally combat them to prove to myself that I wasn't racist. For the extent of that year, I would refuse to look at or talk to any black people out of fear that I would somehow act out on these racist thoughts that I didn't agree with. It was torture. After a while, I'm not sure how, but these thoughts subsided and I now realize how absurd it all was. Needless to say, I interact with black people and people of color every day at work and haven't had any thoughts that match up with what I was previously experiencing for a while. My next batch of OCD began in August of 2019. It all started when I was in an Uber in and we were talking and the guy was talking about girls and I believe he said something along the lines of "are you sure you're not gay, it's ok if you are." I could tell he was messing with me but for the entire rest of the day I was thinking to myself "do I look gay? Am I acting gay? Do i sit gay? Are my mannerisms gay?" Which quickly became "has my whole life been a lie? Do I actually like men? Am I turned on by that guy over there?" I would repeatedly check myself to make sure that I wasn't turned on by people of the same sex. Like constantly. This went on basically every day. Like clockwork these torturing thoughts and I would feel the need to prove to them that I was somehow not gay. My whole life I've been attracted to women, as far as I can remember. I've only ever had sex with women. I had only ever watched female porn. I now have a girlfriend that I've been with for two years. None of these things were enough to prove to the thoughts that I wasn't in denial. "What if you are in denial about your sexuality? You'll never really know if you are gay." It got so bad that at one point I was looking at gay porn, something I'd never done in my life, just to make sure that I wasn't turned on by these things. I never was turned on by them but I still couldn't prove to myself that I wasn't. I live in a constant fear that people will think I am gay. I'm now convinced that my mom thinks I am secretly gay. Or wants me to be. So much so that I now go out of my way to not interact with any gay people, talk about gay people or even say the word gay. For a while I was trying somehow to convince myself that I was gay--because I thought that would be better than to live in this fear and constant turmoil. These thoughts have completely eaten up my internal life. I recall thinking that if only I knew whether I was gay or straight. I wouldn't care if I was either one. But my mind just would not let me rest about it or settle on either one. It's a constant turmoil. And I can't comprehend why. I would be happy if I was actually gay and no longer had to constantly question my inner sexuality. But I simply cannot do that. Recently, I was googling about doubting your own sexuality and I found an article about HOCD-Homosexual OCD. It described my situation perfectly, people who are straight or have been straight their entire lives suddenly fearing and having constant doubt about their sexuality. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm constantly exhausted. I want to get better and I've read up on NOCD and I feel that this is a good place to start to get better.

TW Real event ocd Adults only 18+ Weird topic I’ve been in bed all day. I feel so extremely guilty because of something I remember from my past. I don’t remember how long ago it was but this is totally embarrassing to talk about but I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who maybe has struggled with this. And now that I have pocd it’s so terrifying because I keep thinking “what if” I’m a horrible monster because of it. I used to have a tickling fetish as a teenager. I really meant no harm at all it was just something I struggled with. Well one time I tickled my niece just being silly and she was getting mad and I just kept doing it. I remember I wouldn’t stop and now I feel like I’ve violated her in some way and I really don’t think I meant to. I feel sick and icky about it and I had things to do today but I’ve been in bed all day just avoiding even living because my mind keeps telling me I’m a horrible monster because of what I did. I love my niece so much and would never harm her in any way. I don’t know what to do I feel so much guilt from this. I have no one to talk to about it. If anyone could possibly help me I would appreciate it 💔

I'm just sharing some of my thoughts, I don't intend to commit suicide or anything like that, so if you read this don't be alarmed. I'm sorry if some things aren't comprehensible If I killed myself, I'd be killing my own little world, not theirs. The world itself would keep spinning as if nothing had happened, so it's okay. I wouldn't be doing any harm. I'd be doing a favor to the world, except to my mother. She doesn't deserve it. But still, others would continue living, and my loved ones would eventually move on. Knowing that even in death, someone out there, maybe similar to me, will keep living heartens me. A bit of me would continue to exist in small pieces. After all, our "souls" are made of the same fabrics, only the shape is different. We share the same first-person view of the world. We are all aware of being alive. I wish I could explain it better. It's like if each of us were all together, a single "entity". We are all the same. We share the same living entity. We are only diversified by time and space. So even if I died, someone could easily replace me.  Death means ceasing to exist. It's like the dark space inside a closed wardrobe. Once closed, it can't be seen by anybody.