Welcome to
the NOCD Community

So many “what ifs” 😫 and so many false feelings of it being real ahhh

My therapist said to be that she wasn’t sure if I have ROCD on my call to her yesterday and now I feel really anxious! I love my boyfriend I desperately want things to work out between us but my obsession is I worry that I’m not attracted to him like the spark is missing. The more I get to know him the closer I feel to him and I adore him. No he’s not my usual type and I think In the beginning this held me back getting close to him as I had a very strict idea of what I wanted and I would always discount anyone who fit didn’t fit that type without getting to know them (shallow yes)! But with him I’ve fallen in love with non superficial things but this past idea of ‘type’ is stopping me from being completely vulnerable as I think I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s wrong as it isn’t the person I imagined myself being with in my head. Like if things are going well I tell myself ‘ don’t fool yourself you’re only going to hurt him in the long run cause he’s not your type deep down.’ I worry about what other people will think , like I worry about people making negative comments about him and I hate that I care about that. I’ve always cared what other people think of me too much and now I’ve projected this onto my boyfriend. In the past I’ve never properly loved someone as I always selfishly picked someone who I thought looked good next to me kind of thing , I haven’t had many serious relationships where I’ve shown my true self it’s been all about flirting and proving to myself that I was good enough to be with that person to be honest. With my boyfriend it’s so different we know each other so well we have so much in common and I just need some advice now :(

I don’t know what to do because I want to stop imagining scenarios/checking but I feel like if I force myself to stop doing that, then I’m in denial? Like I’ll start to think ‘you’re trying not to think about it because you don’t want to acknowledge it’. Does that make sense? Or like my tiktok feed right now is just full of lgbt content because I use it all as a means of checking, and I don’t want to do it anymore but I feel like if I don’t watch them, I’m purposefully avoiding because I’m in denial or something. I want to scream.

Has anyone else with SOOCD found themselves mentally reviewing literally every interaction they’ve ever had with the sex that their OCD is telling them they are attracted to rather than the want they want and know themselves to be attracted to?? I am a straight female and ever since my OCD flared up about two months ago I have spent every minute of every day ruminating over past experiences and my mind has convinced me that I was attracted to virtually every female figure in my life, even though I have never actually acted on any of these presumptions. Likewise, my brain is pushing away all of the actual memories I have of being in love with past boyfriends and having crushes on guys. Now, when I see a girl anywhere I freak out and automatically assume I’m attracted to them, even though the thought of being gay makes me sick to my stomach and is never something that I want to act on. And also, when I see any guy that I find attractive, I will acknowledge that I find them attractive but it’s like my mind is telling me I’m faking it because I must actually like women. These thoughts are so incredibly painful because I feel like my attraction to men is fading away even though I only ever want to be with men in the future. I feel like I’m numb to everything and it’s making the anxiety soso much worse. Anyone who can relate or provide any advice would be greatly appreciated.

If I see a guy at school who I find attractive I can imagine myself doing things with him and I enjoy the thought but if he posts a shirtless pic then I feel like I don’t like his figure as much anymore and like I wouldn’t actually enjoy doing things with him. I’m scared this a sign

How to stop ruminating without distracting yourself?

I wanted to give some advice to my rOCD friends. I also have rOCD, but I’m happy to say that nearly 2 years after my diagnosis I’m doing much better and am in a loving relationship. I see a lot of you worrying about whether or not you’re with the right partner. Worrying about if you actually love them or find them attractive. And of course, worrying that you don’t actually have rOCD. It sucks, I know. I used to worry about the same things too (and still do, just far less). I’m not here to tell you that you’re partner is right for you, because idk if that’s true. You could very well be with someone who’s not good for you. Or you could be with someone who is good for you. That’s beside the point. The point is that regardless of whether your partner is right for you or not, a person without rOCD doesn’t worry like we do. The anxiety, ruminating, and constant questioning and reassurance-seeking we do is not typical for most people. Why am I saying this? Because I want you to try ERP. A lot of you seem very hesitant to give ERP an honest try for more than a few days because there’s this fear that you’re lying to yourself. I understand, I used to feel like that too. But regardless of whether or not you’re lying to yourself or not, the amount of suffering and anxiety you experience is not warranted even if you are with the wrong person. The only way to recover from this anxiety is to expose yourself to it and face it head-on. Maybe you do ERP for a few weeks and you come out the other side realizing you don’t live your partner. So be it. Maybe you come out realizing you still love your partner. Both scenarios can happen. The point of ERP is to help you accept your negative intrusive thoughts, not to save your relationship. Whether or not you should stay with your partner, I can’t say. What I can say is that you can’t properly make that judgment when you’re plagued with all these intrusive thoughts and anxiety. So treat that first. Only when you learn to accept your intrusive thoughts and not let them bother you can you really make some sort of judgment. Even then things will never be certain. But that’s ok. You guys got this 💪🏼

I had a dream in which I’m sexually assaulting my little brother and justifying it and explaining to him that there is nothing wrong with it and i did not feel bad in the dream i am so scared

Wow really sucks when you get no replies, is it because people think Im gay now or bc i posted too much? either way i had it coming bc I wouldve done the same thing. Its just frustrating. Why couldnt have I gotten covid and passed away? Or some terminal illness with weeks to live? God, d3ath seems so bloody peaceful every mintue Im awake. I hope no other hocd sufferers end up like me. Dont flag this ffs

[Vent] Feeling very tired… I have a bit of a mixed bag of themes that like to tag in and out of my mind if not tangling with each other. I’ve been dealing with it for about 3 years now and it’s effected me to varying degrees that whole time. In the beginning especially, or with the surfacing of a new theme it would be so distressing to me. I’ve been to very dark places a few times over the years, hanging on by just about a thread more than once. Right now I’m thankfully doing better, but am also feeling concerned with this sort of… I guess “emotional blunting” with the biggest themes I have; especially in regards to my more taboo themes. Logistically, I know I’m just exhausted and drained from all the stress in regards to OCD and micromanaging my own behavior and thoughts almost every waking moment of my life. Probably also just desensitized to being so disturbed and scared after feeling that way just about everyday all day for 3 solid years. But god, it still it getting to me. I can still feel it even though it feels buried under this numbness. I’m aware of this feeling, though OCD continues to do what it does best, I suppose. It tells me I feel this way because I want to, that I’m a bad person, that I wouldn’t preform my compulsions of it wasn’t real, that I don’t have OCD, that I don’t or no longer belong in these spaces because this time it’s different, that OCD has just been my cop out all this time, That people have suffered for way longer and still get super anxious with their themes (this is an awful one.) or that I have desires and urges that I don’t really want or have. And it’s using my inability, or better yet, my exhaustion of emotion or willingness to fight back as much against me as it’s proof. I think something that fuels this is people always talk about how anxious they feel and how OCD leaves them in such a state of high alert and darkness. We’ve all been there, I think that’s pretty much the whole point of OCD lol and it is truly awful. But I also rarely, if ever, see anyone talk about if they eventually hit this wall of just feeling almost nothing… they don’t have it in them to fight back this time, they can’t seem to get a rise out of themselves as strong as one before, or apparently can’t seem to feel as guilty as they did once before. But it feels involuntary, like you just don’t have the fire in you to do it anymore. Like you have given up and OCD won and you are what you are and you’re not sure how to feel or what to do anymore. It hurts and you hate it so much but you also feel like a beaten horse and you just have to deal with it now. You still have all the symptoms and compulsions as you did before but it feels mindless and you don’t know if you can even call it what it actually is as being OCD anymore. idk I just kinda wanted to write out my recent feelings in hopes someone might relate to it. I’m worried that I may have lost (whatever that means) or maybe my OCD was all a lie this whole time or at least this time, even though I know that’s a common fear. Maybe this was partially written as trying for reassurance that this has been OCD all along, all this time and I’m just sitting at a low point but I’d also hope that since this doesn’t seem to be talked about much, maybe someone else can read it too and know they’re not alone either. Hope everyone is well 💜

Christians and ERP question: My OCD revolves around religion (Christian) and harm, often tying them together with arbitrary scriptures from the Old Testament. My compulsions are usually answering the questionable passages with things that help me resolve the uncertainty of the passage and how it relates to me. My therapist wants me to do exposures of reading these scriptures without finding the answers through research or even my own logic. Just let the question be there. This is so very hard because it threatens to pull my faith out from underneath me if I don’t answer it. Some of the questions are so anxiety-provoking because they are Old Testament laws of wrath and punishment. I know all the Christian answers to these, and I could easily answer it. Sometimes this will bring relief, other times it won’t. So, my challenge is simply not answering it, which then leaves me in a state of deep confusion. Anyways, since these are questions many people have and struggle with that don’t have OCD, I wonder how this can be OCD?? I’ve had OCD in other themes (HoCD, harm ocd), but this just seems so different because they are valid and legit questions and I just want to resolve them! Anybody have any insight into this?

Had my first NOCD therapist meeting today. He said the ERP normally only results in 35% reduction in symptoms or whatever. I feel like that seems a little low compared to what I’ve read. Also there are some therapist like Ali Greymond that say 100% recover is possible. I think that’s a little unrealistic as well, but I would hope it’s more than 35%

Hi! I’m Alyssa, I’m 22. I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember but I thought it was just a quirk about me, and also something that would assist my ambition in getting me where I needed. I am not very *organized* or *clean* per say, so OCD is never something I considered for myself. I recently confronted my anxiety about the future with my CBT therapist (who I love) and took a hiatus because I was doing a lot better. Basically, I am obsessed with things happening just the way I expected them to, having my reality completely aligning with my hopes and dreams. Otherwise I can’t feel peace. I’ve been with the same person for about 15 months now, and every single thing about him and us is lovely. However, I keep feeling doubts and crippling anxiety about our future together. I feel like I need to find this certainty and unbounded contentment with him. Isn’t that how you “know”? That’s the construct of love and marriage I created for myself at some point in my life. I’ve had no one in my family get divorced and the pressure of living up to that expectation makes it so hard to move forward with a marriage. I can’t make the wrong move, but how do I *know*? It’s a lot of unreasonable pressure on my sweet oblivious boyfriend. I feel like I betray him every time I see him because what if I don’t love him the way he loves me? I don’t feel contentment. I keep googling and googling looking for confirmation that, no, this IS normal. Or I immediately rush to a trusted friend to assure me of how great we are together. These intrusive thoughts have been ruining my time with him and I feel compelled to end it just to feel the temporary relief that comes with it. I almost did once, but I couldn’t go through with it when considering the gaping “him”-shaped hole it would leave in my life. Fast forward to me discovering the anxiety love coach podcast on spotify. I never knew that relationship OCD existed and I have never felt so seen or validated. I am hopeful now that I can soothe these future-related invasive thoughts and be happy in my healthy relationship.

It feels like I don’t find the male body attractive at all anymore but what’s worse is that I never really payed attention to body before this at least not look wise. I still found a guy with a great body good looking, but I was more interested in the way a guy smelled, how nervous I would get around him, his warmth and how nice it felt to lean against a biggest smooth chest. What’s worse is I feel like I find my partner ugly now even though before I loved being near him and hugging him and touching him and kissing him, it’s true I didn’t really pay much attention to his looks but I still thought he was the most beautiful boy and I still wanted to be near his body but I feel like I’m lying when I say that. I’m going insane with all these stupid thoughts. I feel doomed.

Anyone have any tips for quitting watching porn? Realized how bad and fucked up it is, and with OCD its just an unnecesarry habit

Hey everyone trigger warning about intrusive thoughts and pocd this is just a little rant I need to get out My intrusive thoughts just keep getting worse and worse, I have to shake my head and clench my teeth to stop them, being quarwntined has just made it worse I can’t look at anyone who could be perceived as female or younger than me without my mind sexualising every part of their body I hate it so much it’s tearing apart my morals and my mind , I can honestly feel my mind slipping. I want to get better so badly but there’s still a week or more until my weekly sessions start and I don’t even know if they will help enough, I want to live happily and not suffer and do all the things I loved.

does anyone else catch themselves accidentally staring at people in the wrong places as in their private areas? i hate this so fucken much. i have no thoughts when doing it but when i realized i looked i feel irritated and frustrated bc i feel like im a bad person or something. i feel like it’s a never ending battle with ocd.

I want to apologize for my last post I honestly didn’t know and I feel horrible. I really meant no harm I promise. I have been told to say that over calling someone the other. I apologize

Can anyone with a vagina help? It's my birthday. I went to go to the toilet and my underwar was wet. It soaked through to both sides. And it was the whole area of the underwear. I feel I would have felt if I peed myself..I did need the toilet but I held it in talking to a friend. I just changed my underwear and trousers and got into bed. But I feel so gross. Its my 20th...i wanted to start this decade off right but I just want to cry and have a shower and wash everything. Could it just be discharge? I've googled it and I've seen nothing on discharge like that. I feel so gross. Do I need to wash everything tomorrow morning? I'm having friends over. I don't know what to do... this is only my luck. I wanted to start this birthday off well. But I did compulsions smelling the underwear and feeling my old pajama trousers to see if they got wet.. Why am I so gross ... :(

Any thoughts/experiences on Zoloft currently on 50mg and have seen great reduction in symptoms but having a flare up and still have more anxiety then would like has anyone found improvement moving to 75 or 100mg? I suffer mainly from ROCD, real event OCD and Pure O