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I am struggling so bad. I want to share my story because I’m just so confused right now. My boyfriend and i have known each other our whole lives. We always had the biggest crush on each other even after i moved away in middle school. We stayed friends and hung out any time i would come visit my hometown. Of course, life happens and we lost communication with each other for years. He joined the army, got married, and had a baby with his ex wife. All in the same time, I was in a with my ex for 3 years. Fast forward to a year and a half ago. Life had this funny way of reconnecting us. We both ended up back in our hometown after years of being away and we both were going through a breakup/separation with our exes. Long story short, at that time i knew we would end up together. It had been a long time coming and i thought our relationship was going to be PERFECT. Boy, was i completely wrong. We both came with a lot of baggage. Him having severe depression and anxiety and me having OCD (which caused a lot of anxiety for me as well) I questioned everything! If he looked at me the wrong way or sighed because he was having a bad day, i automatically assumed it was because of me. I would question him over and over asking if he loved me still or if i did something wrong and for the longest time he would get so frustrated with me because he was dealing with his own demons from past traumatic events on top of dealing with my panic attacks from all of the questions i would ask because my ocd convinced me that everything was all my fault. He would shut me out (i mean for days), he said really mean things to me when he was really drunk or angry, and never opened up to me about anything he was feeling. I prayed for him to be better and to love me the same way i loved him but it just seemed like it would never happen. Of course, over time i got so fed up with feeling like i didn’t mean anything to him (or at least that’s what my mind convinced me) to where i wanted to leave him but all at the same time everything changed on his part. He got the help he needed and he became a much better person. He apologized to me for everything, cried his eyes out, and even opened up to me about the tragedy he experienced to make him so depressed and angry. He has done a complete 180 and has been doing so good for months now. He has shown me SO much love! It’s even shocked the ones around him because he has never been one to open up in that way. Unfortunately, that’s when my ROCD kicked in 100x harder. I used to feel so much love for him and right now I’m struggling with “did i ever really love him?” “Were we ever meant to be if we’ve been through so much already in only a year? A year is not a long time!!!” And so on. I’ve even checked to see how I’ve felt hugging him or kissing him. It’s so exhausting. The thoughts haven’t seemed to stop and i know deep down i want to experience what this relationship could be without all of the negativity that has surrounded it or without all of the intrusive thoughts. That is why i haven’t given up yet but sometimes i get these strong urges to break up (some i have gone through with and ended up back with him because leaving just didn’t seem right). Through all of the craziness that has gone through my mind, he has stuck by my side through it all. I’m so happy he’s done better for himself but now i can’t stop questioning everything. It’s like my mind has only focused on all the negativity instead of realizing this is what I’ve prayed for. I just want to get out of my head and start fresh but my ocd doesn’t allow me to. I feel so lost but deep down i know he is who i want to be with. I have always wanted him and he has always wanted me. I just can’t stop obsessing over what things were like before. I just wish i had a clear mind so i could just move forward with our relationship in a positive way.

I just need any encouraging words you can give, I have tried so hard to move past these themes but it’s so hard. I feel in denial and starting to question if there’s some desire on my part. Sometimes there’s a thought that I can’t get passed and I feel like it brings me down to square one.

Needing input plz 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 I’m 29 years old. And if you would have ever asked me if I had ocd I would tell you heck no, my room was always a mess. I did none of the same “rituals” (so I thought) only thing I could say was I hateee to be barefoot 😖 Possible trigger warning ⚠️ Fast forward to this past October. A girl in my town who I knew pretty well took her own life. It was a shock to everyone, including me!! I went to the funeral.. and the family’s house for support & to take food. (Small southern town) then weeks go by and I just could not get her out of my head! & the thought of her committing suicide haunted me. Until one night I was laying in bed putting my baby girl to sleep (my anxiety had been awful that day) and a thought popped into my head. “What if one day you loose your shit like her & take your own life” (I know that sounds so insensitive). Needless to say I went into straight panic mode as soon as the thought happened. I felt like my body went numb, my heart was racing and I felt this feeling of doom. I got up and literally made myself sick I was so worked up. I thought I had just had my first “suicidal thought” this thought has haunted me for 3 months now. I’ve started Prozac for anxiety and depression but I’m not convinced. I’m not saying I have never had anxiety or mild depression bc I have but this. This happened to me over night. In one second my whole world changed. I made myself think I was crazy bc I had that thought. I made myself think I was suicidal bc I had that one thought. And the thoughts continued and continued… I didn’t want to be around guns knives or anything. I have never a day in my life wanted to hurt myself. I kept researching bc I just couldn’t settle with “depression” this was me in a constant battle with my mind telling my thoughts that I don’t want to hurt myself!!!!! I saw someone on a page with the almost same exact story as me and what there diagnosis was. Pure O. I felt such relief when I read these stories and I felt like I wasn’t crazy. This is a actual thing to have obsessive thoughts. That relief lasted about a day, and here I am questioning what my doctor will say when I tell them I think I have “o”cd. I keep thinking they well tell me no I don’t and it’s just me. This is pure hell. Why would this happen. And why now? I feel like I used to do this some about health anxiety and stuff but never to this extreme. Is this anywhere near ocd????

Parents interfering with therapy. Hi all. My mom does not know much about OCD. She wants me to stop using my NOCD therapist and see a different therapist that does not do ERP. She thinks that doing exposures is wromg and makes me worse.

What can you do to prep yourself for exposure therapy? Would it make your ocd worst in the beginning?

Here for you tonight. Prayer requests or just want to hear a reply. I’ll do this until I fall asleep. Will respond to requests posted after I’m asleep in the AM. I’m a Pure / Scrupulous sufferer who is first and foremost a Christian. Love ya all. Paul

okay everyone- so I had major panic attacks and anxiety over this subject. I am married to my amazing husband. I work with only guys and am the only female. I became friends with this one guy and (we were only friends) and a rumor popped up that him and I were flirting. So… in my head I was like “was I actually flirting?” To “was I cheating?” To “if I was flirting does that mean I like him?” To “if I like him that means I don’t like my husband anymore”. It kept spiraling and spiraling into terrible thoughts. Anyways, I just recently told him this. I don’t know why I did but I felt like I had the urge to do it and he has a fiancé and I told him PLEASE don’t tell anybody. And he said he promises he won’t tell anybody. Why did I get the urge to have to tell him? Does OCD make you tell your thoughts? They were only thoughts and not true and I told him that… why did I do it!!

Sitting with a thought, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. The physical effects of not giving into a compulsion are not often spoken about. Nausea, headaches, weakness, rapid heart beat, cold shakes (all a result from anxiety I assume). Any recommendations to aid this? I’m really trying not to give in 😕

I feel like I'm not gonna get through this.

I’m really struggling and need to vent. I met this guy, he seemed to be what I wanted. He told me from the first day, guys and girls can’t be friends - I have to stop talking to my guy friends. For example, I have had a guy friend for 5 years and we did kiss, but have been friends since then. He told me I can no longer speak with him. The issue is, this guy friend has been friends with my entire family for over 5 years (comes to bday parties, Christmas stuff, he works with my brother in law, is like an uncle to my niece, etc. i see him as a friend only, but this guy I met says that I can’t even say hi to him at a family party - he expects me to just walk away. This guy and I also are not dating, just been talking for a few weeks (3 weeks). He really cared less to make time to see me, I’ve only seen him twice in the past month. Granted he’s been busy working and traveling, but he doesn’t make set in stone plans - I just get “maybe I’ll want to hang out, maybe I won’t - I just don’t know” in my head, I’m like ok this guy doesn’t care. There are other things that have happened, but the point is. I ended up seeing my guy friend of five years, hanging out with groups of guy friends and girl friends, etc. and I lied to him about it. I ended up telling him and he FLIPPED out on me. Calling me disgusting, karma will get me, a hoe, etc. i did not hook up with anyone, I just hung out with people who were guys - one of them being a good guy friend for years. He ignored me for two days then finally answered me and told me to text my guy friends to never contact me again and to leave me alone. I tried to explain to him that he never made me feel as though he liked me, so I thought he wasn’t interested. He said my feelings don’t matter. I’m trying to work it out with him, but I feel so so guilty and like a shitty person for even lying. I’ve never lied like this before, I’ve always been honest and up front. I was so afraid of losing this guy I had just met, but also felt as though I couldn’t cut off my life the way he wanted me too. I feel awful, guilty. He told me to prove to him I am going to change and MAYBE we will have something. But, I feel as though the best thing to do it just let him go.

Does anyone with pocd have the fear/obsession of either willingly or accidentally viewing illegal content online and then possibly going to jail for it? It’s killing me

I hate when it’s constantly in the back of mind and I can’t put it to rest until I have answers to the “what if” thoughts in my mind telling I will never be happy or forgiven. I wish I could go back. I would do anything to go back. And the sad thing is I never had bad intentions ever. I was young and stupid and didn’t even realize what I was doing. So why am I being so hard on myself? Because of the what if thoughts saying they are true or because of OCD latching onto something that I can’t control. I feel so dark and depressed. I can’t enjoy my life or breathe. I feel like I deserve to give up. Not that I’m going to but that’s how I feel.

Idk what to do. I feel sick. I… feel stupid and hurt. My first love came back into my life after leaving. I thought he would only want a friendship but he was still interested this was all online in the span of a year. We had never seen eachother in video. It was always pictures and i had makeup/ filters etc. well i thought it was time to show him myself. So no makeup no bonnet. I sent a video. He said i looked different. First sayinf 50% now saying 30%. I feel pretty hideous rn. He said he was still attracted to me sexually but i feel like he was lying. We are usually extremely sexual with eachother and it just didn’t feel the same since yesterday. He has alot of females interested in him and today he was playing with his friends and one of those females who i think is interested in him, im not sure what he thinks. He makes lots of sexual jokes to both sexes but seeing him do it with her, (and after i showed myself whoch im super insecure about even had to do an exposure about this in therapy) kind of sucks. I feel like he doesn’t want me anymore and weve barely texted all day. I feel like hes forcing himself to want me and have been going crazy in my head. Im afraid im in denial and this reminds me of when my ocd got bad again. I feel like crying, like hitting myself on the head. Like i do love this guy and maybe I shouldn’t have lwt myself fall for him w/o him seeing me? Do women even wear bonnets when their guys around? Im just so fucked inwardly rn. I want a hug or to talk to someone about it but it’s embarrassing. The guy i like decides that he doesn’t want me after seeing me for the first time? His words say he doees but his actions feel of.

Does ocd ever really make you believe that deep deep down it’s all true and real? I hate that damn feeling. You just can’t trust your thinking.

Don't care what it says, always agree with it. And relief will follow ❤

My anxiety is deep my relationship is more than likely over and it hurts so much because I just now am realizing I’ve needed help for a long time and I let her see the worst of rocd I accused her of not loving me and cheating on me for 2 years and we were talking and now she says she needs time and we have a kid together the doubts are strong but I’m fighting so hard I’m doing everything I can to not call her because she asked me not to talk to her but to our daughter and I want her nothing more than to tell her how much I love her but she is confused from my actions and I know she needs space but my ocd wants to call her and confess but she also doesn’t want to seem understanding about this and said that it wasn’t an excuse and I no that it’s an excuse I needed help so long ago and I’m trying to now I’m filled with so much doubt and my chest wants to pop sitting here is so hard

Anyone else struggle with existenal OCD? I get really weird thoughts... like "what are thoughts" .. "how do I know that everything I read, hear and have been told about ocd is true" "how do I know that everyone is really helping me and not some kind of Trueman show character" "how do I know I'm not here alone and everyone I see or here is just a figament of my imagination" .... is this all really ocd or could it be more?? 😔... it really freaks me out... anyone else experience this?

HOCD: a recovery story. My HOCD began around 2 years ago. At the time, I didn’t know that I had OCD. I have a vivid memory of the moment it all started. I was scrolling through TikTok, and stumbled upon a video of a girl talking about how she’d been ‘straight’ her whole life until meeting this one woman, and then she realised that she had never been straight at all… Initially, I felt confused, and then I felt one of the most intense rushes of panic I’ve ever felt: ‘what if I’m gay and just don’t know it?’, and a million other trailing thoughts ensued. What followed was 2 years of endless questioning, anxiety, panic, confusion, sadness and grief. Looking back, it’s almost comical to me how I let someone else’s narrative and experience shatter my own identity; but I guess that’s just how OCD works. It was a couple of months into this theme that I stumbled upon ‘HOCD’. What I was experiencing felt so bizarre; I had no concrete evidence to suggest that I was into women, yet I was questioning my sexuality every day, for hours! Having a pretty stereotyped conception of OCD, I didn’t believe that I could possibly have it… and then a thread started to reveal itself; I’ve had obsessions in the past about my health - I always assumed it was hypochondria, but it had an obsessive-compulsive style; it was more than just ‘worry’. It then occurred to me that this obsession with my sexuality felt very similar… After a lot of research, learning about OCD (the ‘pure O’ kind) and hearing and reading the experiences of others, I decided that I should start implementing exposures into my day-to-day life, in the hopes that I could finally close that chapter of my mental life. For me, my predominant ‘compulsions’ were reassurance seeking and checking. This manifested as staring at ‘erotic’ images of women, monitoring my mental and bodily responses, doing the same with men, and comparing the two; playing scenarios in my head of myself both romantically and physically with women, monitoring my responses; going back over photos, videos and memories to see if I ever behaved in a ‘non-hetero’ way; and the embarrassing list goes on. I found that intentionally trying to ‘stop’ these things, just fuelled my desire to do them more - to find certainty. I decided that this method - for some reason - wasn’t working. My next choice (and the choice that basically ended my battle with OCD) was letting the thoughts be there, but changing my response. I realised that the crux of my suffering was my constant responding to the thoughts, and my constant rumination on them. I realised that it was taking away from my day-to-day life - I wasn’t doing as much as I could’ve/should’ve been, I was neglecting aspects of myself that I should’ve/could’ve been attending to. I started to focus on the things that gave me a sense of meaning and contentment: school, my friends and family, music, learning, my health, etc, all the while LETTING the thoughts be there. At first, the suffering felt the same, I was still thinking all the time, I still felt like I was on autopilot, but I was progressing. Before I knew it, this progression became exponential. Over the course of months, my shift in prioritisation yielded huge rewards. I was happy and thriving, and my HOCD just became a dull background noise that had virtually no relevance to me. For some, the only way to achieve this is though therapy; I didn’t have the means, and that likely made things harder, so I highly recommend professional help to those who have access to it!!! Nonetheless, I feel free from OCD. Yes, I still have thoughts about my sexuality, YES, I still engage in the odd compulsion, but I definitely don’t qualify as having OCD anymore. Nothing triggers me in that regard, which I’m unbelievably thankful for. For example, I couldn’t even hear a ‘coming out’ story without bursting into panic and sometimes tears!!Now, I could listen to one with intrigue and absolutely no anxiety, and that’s really saying something. If anyone can take anything from this, I hope it’s the knowledge that you’re not doomed to your obsession, there is, unequivocally, hope for you. If I can recover, in the state that I was in, then there’s no doubt that (regardless of the severity) you can too!!! In retrospect, I can see how cognitively distorted my thinking was, and that’s not something you have insight into until you’re on the other side. I’m writing this with joy. I’m sending my absolute best wishes to all, whatever obsession you’re dealing with. You are not trapped, you are not doomed, you are not incapable of recovery - make the choice of change now.

tics tw sometimes i read things about people’s tics or see them do them and i get the urge to do it too. i don’t know if it’s ocd or tourette’s! like i feel i have to do it in a sort of ‘just right’ way but a lot of people with tourette’s say the same.

18+ I’ve recently started getting more and more inc3st intrusive thoughts lately about my brothers that I feel disgusting about because I’ve never had these kind of thoughts before and while me and my boyfriend were having sex the whole time I kept getting images of them and my thoughts kept telling me I think they’re attractive and that I’m bored with my boyfriend because I’d rather be thinking about them. And I feel so gross saying all of this but I don’t want to tell my boyfriend even though he knows pretty much everything about my POCD. With all these sexual intrusive thoughts at once it just makes me feel like I’m a pervert and that I want all these thoughts especially when my ocd keeps bringing up my past porn addiction and mistakes I have made. I in no way shape or form want these thoughts but I just feel so guilty considering my past and how my intrusive thoughts seem so real. Ugh I just want to be normal again and have normal thoughts that normal people have.