Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My partner and I are currently broken up/taking a break. Has anyone with ROCD dealt with this? How did it work out? I’m scared and relieved but I know I love them.

i don’t understand, i try to fantasize about guys but when i do it isnt like how it is with women, its more so forced.. and know i feel like im bisexual when i csnt even fantasize about men.. i was watching these videos about desth and it made me think like “u have to accept ur bisexual before u die” when i know im straight but i wasnt even as anxious about it i didnt pay it any mind and that made me think that i am somehow attracted to men when ive never even gotten w literal full on erection to a man..i just want anyones advice i feel like dying bc this is becoming to much. i cent do anything in life with this thing holding onto me, i wanna do better in life and play my sports as a student athletes but i cant do that anymore because this just completely swarms my mind with everything i do snd watch. ive just started thinking of ways to end it all unfortunately. i’d rather think about that then think ab being a gay or bisexual honestly

Anyone here who struggles with pocd, I know it’s an emotional roller coaster, but I really wanna get better. Please tell me your erp experience and or your intentional exposure Practices.

We often talk about the negatives, but wanting to hear some positives: What does everyone here do for work/what do you study in school? Etc.

Anyone here recovered who can send messages of hope over how successful treatment was or is for them?

Was watching TV. The dad's a dentist and had a celebrity visit so he was happy and the wife jokingly asked "who's the woman?" joking about him seeing another woman. The dad answers, "it's a man actually." The son overhears and says "I knew he was repressed all these years." This triggered me and scared me because I had a bad dream earlier where I "accepted" that I'm gay (I'm not I identify as straight) and in the dream it feels relieving as it meant not being scared anymore because I "accepted" what ocd wants me to believe. I woke up and felt I'm straight deep down so the dream really scared me. Then hearing the joke above on the TV show triggered that question "is it really ocd or am I repressed?" So of course I googled to know the difference and people in forums were saying how they denied they were gay and eventually came out. I'm not bi or gay. I have nothing against anyone that is - I simply don't identify that way. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. I've suffered with ocd for just over 1 year now. I'm not attracted to women but I notice how attractive they are, more so then men (never used to though), get insecure so easily, and have dreams about where I "realise" I'm gay (which always wake me up in a panic). I also struggle with validation when I logically know that I shouldn't need it from other people. I'm not asking for reassurance or anything. I don't really know what I'm asking for. I guess it's to know if anyone else has the same issues.

I need some help so I live in Tennessee and have tenncare so I can only use my insurance in the state of Tennessee I have had ocd for along time but the past few years have been really hard and I’ve recently had a huge trigger in my new home I started looking for help again a few years ago something similar happened and had also depressed me so I admitted myself into parkridge valley in Chattanooga Tennessee I staid for 3 days admittions was really hard cause they only allow so many clothes and don’t allow qtips and I have dressing rituals I’ve been doing for 15 years I also keep my clothes in bags to keep them clean I wear my bras in order the tags are numbered I also have to do this dressing ritual everyday I dress and put on deodorant clean my ears and use my face pads and put my hair up I do all of it a certain way to and I wash my hand’s threwout the dressing ritual if I don’t do it everyday I have to do the ritual like twice the next day so do my deodorant twice use 2 qtips and all that so it’s hard going into the hospital when they only allow certain amounts of clothes they don’t allow qtips and they had to touch all of my clothes that I was bringing in I struggled in my room I had a roommate so I had to do this ritual in the bathroom I need my hygeine rinsed under water to clean it and have a clean space to put them so everything’s put while I do this ritual the way the water came out of the faucet was hard cause my hands can’t touch the sink if it does I have to start over I was already struggling and it was makeing it harder in the hospital I do the same rituals wit showering all my stuff needs to be clean I have to have shampoo and conditioner I have to have my hair brush and hair dryer and my 3 hair products I do all of that a certain way to if I don’t have that stuff I can’t complete the ritual my contamination ocd and the repetiveness of it had been really hard on me so I wasn’t showering as much and my bf has helped me wash my hair so showering in the hospital didn’t happen but I struggled in those 3 days just to do these dressing rituals and I thought I’d just get threw it I was gonna get help to stop haveing to do these things in the hospital but I hadn’t seen a doctor I hadn’t seen a therapist they only gave me medications so I was just struggling silently still wit no way to cope no help to deal wit my ocd in there but they discharged me and told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and gave me a referral to an ocd inpatient place in Chicago when I got out and did the phone call wit Chicago they ended up denying me cause they don’t accept my insurance I was told I needed inpatient I no I need help but there’s no ocd inpatient places in Tennessee and the few outpatients don’t accept my insurance and are far away I couldn’t do outpatient and drive there everyday so wat am I suppose to do parkridge valley hospital treats ocd and anxiety disorders which is wat ocd is but they couldn’t help cause they didn’t have the resources to help someone wit ocd like mine I’ve been to doctors and therapists been on medications for 15 years none of these ppl understood ocd they were only giveing me an antidepressant I needed more help and still do but can’t seem to find anyone I’m struggling wit extreme anxiety up all nite anxiety and panick attacks I’m scared to go outside I’m struggling wit my ocd and there just doesn’t seem to be anyone professional wise that understands ocd that I can tlk to get some help finding somewere to go just tlk to me bout my ocd getting me on a medication to atleast give me some relief now the doctors I can see still only wanna give me an antidepressant they don’t understand ocd and wat comes wit ocd stress anxiety worry uncertainty everything they don’t understand that it’s so debilitating I’m on ssi for my ocd I need help wat can I do.

Hey everyone, my name is Stephen Smith and I’m the Founder and CEO of NOCD. I also have OCD, which is why I founded the platform. Specifically, I have “intrusive thoughts OCD”- relationship-based, sexual, and religious thoughts that made me at one point question many fundamental elements of my character. Although google searching for answers to my thoughts was my most noticeable compulsion, my compulsions were mainly mental, where I would reassure myself, mentally review past events, pray, and even check my body for different sensations. Since I didn’t suffer with the “standard symptoms”, I ended up getting misdiagnosed 5 times which caused me to get really severe, drop out of school, and become housebound. While housebound, I started searching my thoughts online which led me to realize that I had OCD. Then, when searching for evidence-based OCD treatment, I stumbled upon exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. Although ERP is extremely effective (about 80% of people with OCD see a significant reduction in symptoms after going through treatment), there was only one therapist in my area who specialized in it. She had a 7 month wait list and charged $250 per session- making the care pretty much inaccessible for me. I got lucky though since my mom, who was desperate at the time to see me get better, found money from a family friend to pay for my treatment. She also called the clinician and begged her to get me off the waitlist. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t be here today. After doing ERP with the provider for 12 weeks, I ended up getting better- so much to the point where I was able to go back to school, finish up my football career (I was a college quarterback) and eventually complete my degree. Because I managed the OCD fears by accepting the uncertainty behind them (a core principle behind response prevention), the anxiety over time went away, and the thoughts decreased in frequency as well as in severity (since they didn’t really matter to me anymore). After that happened, I ended up returning back to normal pretty much- feeling as good as I did before my severe OCD onset. That’s when I started pondering the question, “if OCD is so treatable with a good ERP therapist, then why isn’t treatment more accessible to people going through the condition?” It’s a question I’m sure many of you are currently asking or have asked before. Now to the good news....There is no more need to ask that question. Now inside of NOCD, you can do live, face-to-face therapy sessions with a licensed therapist who specializes in treating OCD using exposure and response prevention (ERP). After signing up, all you need to do is open up your phone or laptop and start the session with the ERP therapist. It’s all video-conferencing. It’s the solution that I always wanted when I was going through treatment, so I hope you can find value in it if you are suffering- especially those who are stuck on the waitlist or who live hours from care. Anyways- if you have questions about doing ERP therapy with a NOCD telehealth provider or with another therapist feel free to ask them here. I will definitely give you the pros and cons. Much love!

I had a breakdown not too long ago about taking a new bc pills (that I took years ago first one I ever tried in my teens for pain during my monthly cycle) however I am now scared to death of the possible bad side effects of taking it. I already can't control my OCD and anxiety even just around the things I already have going on. And I am afraid of having worse anxiety or other mental health issues. Mood swings, or possibly getting blood clots. So many unknowns as to how my body will react. The pills were prescribed to help me with pelvic pain for which they think I have pelvic congestion syndrome...but I broke down so afraid and I just absolutely don't want to take them now. I feel so sad and broken and defeated. I feel like a failure for even feeling this way but I can't help it. I have never broken down crying over something like this before...the idea of taking something that could potentially make my anxiety worse or trigger a depressive state (which I've not had one in months) or causing other issues. On top of that the possibility of it causing high blood pressure, and having to monitor that which is only going to make my anxiety and OCD thoughts even worse! 😭😩 Sorry for the long post I just really needed to vent and get this out to anyone who would listen. I definitely am not going to take them, and going to call the Dr tomorrow and see if we can go a different route (without pills) to treat my pain issues. I just have so many things going on mentally and physically rn and I'm so overwhelmed and I just wish it would all stop and I could be better or back to the "normal" that I was before. And my anxiety go back to the "normal" it was 3 months ago before a situation occurred to cause it to be so bad. 😔 Thank you for letting me vent!

I was prescribed kilonopins a few years ago when I admitted myself into the hospital for my ocd and depression and while I was getting admitted they gotta tlk to you and go threw your stuff they have rules like they only allow certain amounts of clothes and they don’t allow qtips but I have dressing rituals that require me to use more clothes than I need and I wear my bras and undershirts in order like the tags on my bras have numbers on them and during this dressing ritual I get my deodorant off my clean shelf wash my hands then grab a qtip off my clean shelf I don’t wash mt hands when I touch my qtips cause there just qtips once I have everything laid out then I can begin the ritual if I don’t do this dressing ritual 1 day then the next day I’d have to do it twice so the way I put on deodorant I’d have to do it twice then I’d get 2 qtips out then I’d put my hair up in a bun twice and I’ve been doing this for 15 years in different variations but pretty much always this way and my clothes stay in a bag even my dirty clothes stay in a bag I wash my hands prior to getting into the bags I put them in bags to keep them clean and when I got to the laundry Matt I wash my hands once I open the door to the washer and dryer and once there dry I by a new plastic clothes bag and carefully pull clothes out and put them into the bag if I drop something I put it in my dirty clothes so at the hospital they had to allow me to bring extra clothes I panicked when I thought they’d only allow me like a few clothes I couldn’t just bring in a couple bras and have them washed cause I wear them in order so I just literally panicked then they had to touch all of my clothes and I started panicking even more I keep them in these bags to keep them clean I wash my hands prior to getting clothes out of them if they touched just 1 thing the entire bag is contaminated and dirty now so many things were going threw my head they offered to wear gloves and I just sat there thinking that’s stupid if it was that simple don’t they think I would’ve thought of that already but I didn’t want to be rude cause they seemed to be trying to help but obviously that was stupid of them to tell me then they had to cut off any strings on my clothing wit scissors I was dead by the time I got upstairs they gave me kilonopin to help me relax and I was so greatful for that cause I was nervous bout just going to the hospital and my ocd was pretty debilitating then to I was haveing to chnahe my clothes everyday a certain way and shower a certain way I need all the things to do these rituals like just washing my hair I need my hair dryer clean and hair brush clean I have to have shampoo and conditioner if I just didn’t have conditioner I couldn’t wash my hair also I use 3 hair products which I also put in my hair a certain way if I didn’t have all 3 I wouldn’t be able to wash my hair so I could just be missing 1 thing even my hair dryer and not be able to perform my hair washing ritual even if I had shampoo and conditioner and could atleast wash my hair if I didn’t have my hair dryer I couldn’t do it so it’s really complicated and I was going to the hospital for help but admitions was so hard to get threw itself now I was upstairs wondering war I’m gonna do bout changeing my clothes wit a roommate on my room and haveing to do wat I need to for this ritual but in the bathroom floor were was I gonna set my deodorant I needed a clean area to put it even the sink was an issue cause the water came out wierd and I wash my hands a certain way so everything was even more difficult than it already was at my home but I pushed threw cause I was finally gonna get help to stop doing these things and dealing wit contamination ocd and my other ocd but 3 days in still just trying to chnahe my clothes everyday if I didn’t I’d have to chnahe them the amount of days I missed and rhats make it even more harder and take longer so I always tried to chnahe my clothes everyday but they ended up dischargeing me in 3 days they had no doctor no therapists they had no ocd person there to atleast try to help wit rituals and noone to help wit the trauma I had went threw in admissions them touching my clothes noone to ask if changeing my clothes wit a roommate would be an issue noone to ask if not haveing my qtips was causeing extreme panick I was just left those 3 days to deal wit it on my own but they had no help there everyone was just in there room anyways ppl who could just lay there all day everyday and get use to there medications ppl who didn’t have to worry bout roommates the way the water came out the faucet they didn’t have to ask to bend the rules for them they didn’t have to bring hygeine and shower products in they didn’t need there own hygeine and shower stuff and I was panicking bout all of that stuff the kolonipins helped wit the stress which was nice but noone was helping me so they discharged me the doctor told me they didn’t have the resources to help me and he gave me a referral to an inpatient ocd hospital in Chicago which when I got out and did the appintment they denied me cause they didn’t accept my insurance so that was the last time I got help that was a few years ago I gave up I had been dealing wit doctors therapists and hospitals not being able to help it was depressing just being denied all the time even though I was legit sick I gave up but now I’ve learned all of this stuff bout ocd and it requires it’s own help so I’m trying to get help again I just wish they’d give me anxiety meds for now atleast give me some relief now till I can find the proper care this isn’t rite for ppl wit ocd to suffer.

Why do we have these thoughts what causes them when it comes to harming ?

Any advice on how to not have panick attacks in the middle of the night ? I keep waking up with massive anxiety to start my day once I get to school I'm fine I still feel off . But how do I not let my ocd get to that point ? I listen to anxiety music and took a natural supplement but it doesn't seem to help

Please don't read this post if you're feeling very low and starting to recover. I got triggered by the comments and the chat of a video about intrusive thoughts from HealthyGamerGG, a mental health platform on yt. The video was about a post published on reddit by someone who had pocd, that talked about ****philic thoughts, and while dr K is amazing and offered an insight about how our brain works, the chat immediately judged this person, saying that it was too far. Everytime the word **** was pronounced felt like a gunshot. https://youtu.be/pj8AEjNE6VY Is this our cruel fate? To be inevitably judged and demonized by others because they can't understand our condition? Everyone, including ourselves, sees us as monsters. We didn't choose to be born like this. Pocd is doomed to be misunderstood and demonized. Even that mental health community doesn't want anything to do with us. That community was literally built around mental health, composed by people seeking for help and advices for their own struggles, helping each other overcoming that, but when it came to this, they didn't hesitate to judge. This made me realize that we are rejects, outcasts. I can't even blame them, if I didn't experience ocd at first hand I might have been judgemental too. Some of the comments threads failed to grasp the essential point of ocd: they just started talking about the topic of ****philia, it seemed like they didn't care to make/didn't understand the fundamental difference between a **** and someone with pocd and it triggered me, because I might as well as be in denial, I'm not even diagnosed. They were using intrusive thoughts and ********* as synonyms. The worst thing you could do is compare a person who has pocd to a **** and the comments were full of that, not grasping the very concept of intrusive thoughts. That they are unwanted. I was at the verge of crying. I don't know why but I wanted to go on a rampage, I knocked down my chair, threw some objects, and repetitely punched my door until I peeled a little of my skin. I even thought about cutting myself, I took the knife and pressed it against the shoulder, but I didn't have the courage to do it. I turned off the light, put on my earphones and sitted on my chair. And I got immersed in my thoughts. Then I layed down on the floor. Some hours passed where I didn't do anything. Just thinking. But I'm calm now. Why, of all the themes that my ocd could have been, did it have to be about the thing that I despise and fear the most? The most unforgivable thing for society from a moral standpoint? Even murder can be forgiven, but this theme is just deplorable, unforgivable. Even being a victim to pocd it's a guilt itself. It doesn't matter how many times I try to go around it, preaching for mental health, empathy, forgiveness and solidariety, it doesn't change the real nature of my thoughts: they're unforgivable and disgusting, and so I am for being born like this. I was just deluding myself into even thinking there was a glimpse of hope. I'm just a defective machine and I should never have been born.

Can’t hold down food. Taking my lorazepam on top of my other meds so that I don’t have the post breakup panic attacks I’ve been getting in the morning and also so I have an appetite. I am being careful with my dosing so I don’t become dependent but I’m afraid I’ll need the benzos long term. This breakup was like the final straw in my mental health. I got back up so many times after trauma and I just get knocked back down even harder. How many more lessons do I need to learn in life before happiness comes? I’m currently on short term disability from work for mental health but I can’t even imagine myself going back right now. I can’t even handle doing a simple zoom call with colleagues.

I have gained my weight 5kg this two weeks what should i do. All day im on bed and its hard to get up.

is it possible to fully recover from harm ocd? And do a lot of people do it. Feeling hopeless 😞

I need some advice please someone read this and tell me anything I can do to make things easier and to get help just started trying medications again for my ocd and depression I’m on ssi I’m already non functioning I was prescribed clomipromin 4 days on 25 milligrams then a week on 50 milligrams then the doctor switched me to 50 milligrams of Luvox I took the Luvox for 2 days and was prescribed to break the 50 in half so those 2 days on Luvox I only took 25 milligrams each day and I got immediately sick extremely nauseous completely bed bound even more than I already was wit just my ocd and depression I also have sever anxiety I have anxiety attacks panick attacks I’ve had gerd issues awhile back and had vertigo awhile back that apparently both of those physical sicknesses can be from untreated anxiety and constant worrying and stress all I want is a fucking xanex but you can’t ask for those witout getting shit from the doctors but I’ve stopped the antidepressants is there a reason I was so sick is there a way that only bout 2 weeks of takeing clomipromin and Luvox that it’s affecting me like this please had anyone had any issues wit any kind of medications is there anything I need to no prior to takeing medications I’m bed bound already I’m on ssi I’m overwhelmed wit my ocd anxiety and depression I’m in bed all day and can’t even wake up to call and go to doctor appointments I stay up in bed scared to lay down cause I’m just scared and anxious bout everything please someone just comment something any advice I’m desperate for help but these medications have made me worse I already ptsd trauma round doctors and medications for these kinds of reasons and huge trust issues cause of this shit please wat can I do.

I'm a 35 year old female who was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 13. I have been suffering with this for half of my life now. I've never done Erp therapy or any exposure therapy before. I'm in the process of moving and getting into a new home so the last thing I want to do is try something that's going to put me out of my comfort zone at this time. My anxiety is so far gone at this point I start to shake when I get around people. I wash my hands constantly and I never feel that they are clean. If I get interrupted while washing my hands I start all over again. I also take up the 45-minute showers. Are there any podcasts or therapists or anything that anyone can recommend to help me through a very hard time right now? TIA

Anyone with HOCD watch euphoria? I’m so triggered

2 days ago I've had the realization that my cats have become old, that they have already lived two thirds of their life and that they won't be gone too long from now. My mum said that we have to start being mentally prepared. They've been always with me since I was a kid, I cared about them but I never played too much with them. They're very kind and special cats but I didn't give them what they deserve. I set them aside, I took them for granted, I thought they'd be with me for my whole life. I used to joke with my mum saying that our cats were becoming old, not realizing that they already were. I thought we had more time. I never really experienced death in my life. I've never become an "adult" in that sense. I've never dealt with it. I know that if my cats died now I'd be full of regrets, because I didn't make any "special" memories with them. I'm afraid that once they're gone I won't have enough mediums to remember them, to cherish them. I don't have a lot of meaningful photos or special videos about them, they're all generic, random and scattered somewhere in my phone. There isn't a moment that could capture the specialness of my cats. I want to have special videos about my cats like from the videos of that yt channel called Dodo. It pains me knowing that I won't be able to capture the perfect memory of my cats, in all of their details, uniquenessses, the affection they show us. It's not like an ending of a show, a book or a comic, where you can always relive every moment you want, rewatching from the start. Those things are also remembered by many more people, and because of that they're timeless. But this is is something limited in its form, I don't know how to explain it well. I want to keep and remember everything of their existence. Maybe I want to have proof that there was love. It would also be unhappy, who would want to cerish the memories if it made us sad? I'd be holding the memory of their existences. If I forgot them, they'd be gone for good. And if I died who would remember them? Then they'd be gone for real. I don't know if this has something to do with perfectionism OCD. It hurts. Since then I've been grieving the possibility of my cats dying and I spiraled into gloominess, reflecting about death, our mortality. The meaninglessness of things. I feel a bit blank, and a void in my chest. I don't want my cats to die, but one day, not far away, they will. I can't imagine how I'd feel. I literally can't, I tried.