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I’m freaking out . I had an intrusive thought the other day and now I’ve been numb. I have pmdd and I am just so out of it . I can’t be intimate it’s like I am just angry and I feel no love or warmth or passion. Anymore . I want it all back . It’s telling me to leave my boyfriend like it feels real . Will I be okay ? I’m so scared

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

Hi everyone I wanted to share my journey as long as it can help someone. I currently suffer from HOCD, I’ve had OCD for years and my themes kept changing over time: Health OCD, Existential OCD and Harm OCD were my main ones even if now they seem irrelevant! I started having HOCD one day after reading a book where a very descriptive gay sexual scene made me have some type of arousal. Since then I’ve fallen into the trap of what if I am gay ? What if I fall in love with a women ? Omg as a women I always look at other women and notice how pretty or ugly they are what does it mean ? I’ve watched threesome porn in the past with two girls and a boy what does it mean ? Etc etc you name it !! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and I love him dearly, so having these thoughts were really distressing. And prior to that I always was in straight relationships, never even kissed a girl lol. I guess all of us with HOCD have similar thoughts, but lately I’ve been recovering and I wanted to show some tips: First of all groinal happens to everyone. The less I’ve focused on it and I accepted it the less I’ve been having it. Now it’s nearly gone. Obviously having groinal comes from focusing on it and ruminating on a intrusive sexual thought. So in order to have it gone you need to stop ruminating and stop paying attention to it. If you have it , so be it, but it doesn’t mean anything. ERP is key!!! People think ERP need to be extreme such as looking at porn or seeing a gay movie but no. Treat every thought and every day as ERP until your recover. When an intrusive thought pops up refrain from doing compulsions. This means googling, looking for reassurance on OCD websites like NOCD, mental checking or memory checking. People reading that post right now might be seeking reassurance. After this post. STOP. Taking control of your OCD and stop feeding it. The goal here is to live a fulfilled life without letting intrusive thoughts and fear take control of it. I thought I couldn’t do it but when you try it really does work. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable and maybe anxious but with time it does go away. Anxiety never stays a 10, it will be less and less until it becomes a 2. It may seem like you want to jump yourself out of a window but it’s fine anxiety will not kill you. My form of ERP which works the best is natural exposures which means not giving into my compulsion if ever I see a girl I consider ‘pretty’, avoid someone because I know he/she is gay, avoid series with gay content. As an example, recently, I went to my hairdresser that I am very good friends with (she has been my hairdresser for over 7 years!!). Ironically last time she said to me she was gay. My anxiety went up through the roof above a 10 I wanted to run away as fast as I can but what could I do ? Escape when I have bleach on my hair ? Nope, i won’t let OCD ruin my hair and I was forced for the first time to sit with the anxiety and interact with her as nothing changed. Leaving the hairdresser I realised: I was able to stay 3h with my hairdresser and I barely gave into my compulsions. The worst scenario in my HOCD themed happened I had to spend time with someone that is gay and what happened ? Nothing. I did not magically become gay and nothing horrible happened, it was like every single time she did my hair! Since this experience I barely have been doing compulsions even when my mind scream at me I’m just like ‘meh’ that is the response OCD deserve. It’s been nearly 10 days and I feel better. The thoughts are less loud, I feel more like myself. My OCD is still here but it’s a background chatter. I’m comfortable with the idea of uncertainty and not engaging with my thoughts to know now for sure. With time I also feel more confident about my identity and values. What do I care about ? My boyfriend, life and happiness. What do I give a damn about the what ifs and what could my life be in x y z scenarios? Finally thoughts and actions are different. A thought is not action, it is not real and it is not a truth. You don’t get fear and anxiety on something you like or want even through your thoughts are making it seem true for you. Even if you don’t have anxiety and just the thought that is fine. You are recovering. I often get other intrusive thoughts. For example, when I see the tube pass by my OCD mind tells me what if I jump ? What if I push someone ? However, because it is not my ‘main theme’ I’m like ‘meh whatever it’s just a thought’. Treat your main theme in exactly the same way. The only difference is, it is your main theme cause it a ‘bad thought’ and your OCD feeds on it making you feel anxious, distressed and disgusted. Also don’t feed on the past. My biggest worry was that in uni I was straight and boy crazy but as 90% of the straight girls I know I already fantasised about threesomes with girls and a boy etc.. does it mean I am gay and I want to have sex with a girl ? Nope. I know some people that watched gay porn, others that had an experience but they are still straight and identify as straight. I also fantasised about cheating on my boyfriend, and sleeping with an older guy, but that doesn’t mean I want it to happen at all. As sexual being we can fantasise about everything, even fries if we want to. Treat your past actions as an exposure. So what ? You did things and thought of things in the past because you were a teen/young adult and you grew up it’s chill! We all change. If you were something else you would have known by now. Finally the biggest tip I can give is irrelevance. As long as you don’t see OCD as being irrelevant it will linger. Keep focusing on ERP, stop avoidance and stop googling. Be yourself and be happy. You can recover. I am seeing a light out of that dark tunnel I’ve been in for months. We can all do it. Good luck guys ❤️

Can ROCD play tricks in you!? I know I love him. But it doesn’t seem like it’s ROCD anymore☹️ No intrusive thoughts… but there is anxiety… 😞 I saw a picture of my friend and her husband. Starting panicking asking myself do I deserve better!?!?!😰😰 I have a good relationship. This isn’t real right!?!? Do I want to end my relationship!! I got rid of my break up urge’s yesterday but now there back!

i did something bad and went through my boyfriends instagram likes and found girls dorm his college that he follows. there was nothing bad on there. then i looked up why i keep looking for reasons to be mad at him. abs the first thing that came up is that i don’t want to be with him. he has messed up in the past, but so have i. i just want to love him fully and feel my feelings of love again. at this point i just feel numb to him. i feel terrible. does anyone have any advice

My HOCD is making me feel like everything I say has a homosexual meaning behind it when I dont ever want to ever be homosexual or bisexual in any way… 😞😞 it’s making it feel like I’m in denial when I dont ever want to be homosexual or bisexual in any way… even recently I thought this person was making a homosexual innuendo when he wasn’t and my HOCD is saying I’m in denial because of it too… 😞😞😞

So I've actually suffered with staring at peoples parts a lot before but recently its been wwwaaayyyy too much. I know me fighting it is going to make it feel like I need to do it even more but ugh its so annoying and disgusting. It really feels like I want to stare and mix it with sexual thoughts its so freaking weird and I really don't want to do these things and its to everyone and moreso people younger than me but I just hate how it feels like I want to and sometimes it happens when I don't even realize and its most likely because I'm so focused on trying not to it like slips but ugh it gets annoying. The feeling of me genuinely wanting to you is just so weird :( I work retail and we change where we are stationed and recently me being in the fitting rooms has not been great. We have to take the customers to their fitting room and it isnt doors, its curtains and sometimes they do not close it well :( so when I put the nunber card next to their curtain its like I need to check if the curtain next to it with someone changing is closed and if it is I feel relief. If not its like I want to look and I purposely look and I soon feel disgusted. Its like I'm tricking myself and tricking others. Its like I get that easy peak and I'm faking my guilt so people would feel bad :( Also people seriously need to do a better job at closing the curtains lmao. I seriously don't want to be in the fitting rooms which I actually havent been stationed there in a bit but I know I should not get away. God I wish we had doors just like the other stores. N e ways thats how my day has been. Feeling guilt over my bad habits and felt like I went back to my old life but these things happen. You will have slip ups and relapse and its ok. I cannot fault myself and my mind is probably making it bigger than its supposed to be. How have you guys been ? Anything good happent to you guys today ?

I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️

Hi, a few months ago i was still in a relationship with my ex we had been together for around 6 months at the time. We had a lot of problems in the relationship, he wasn’t treating my the best but i couldn’t really except that at the time and i have been really depressed. One of my biggest fears is getting out of control from alcohol and cheating because i’m really against it, and i was so scared of it in particular this relationship because i was so in love with this boy i couldn’t bare the thought of doing anything like that. On holiday, he accused me of cheating and wearing inappropriate clothing, it was really bad and out of the blue and sent me into absolute panic and despair considering i never once even looked at another boy let alone do anything whilst we had been together. We managed to resolve this problem, and 2 weeks prior i went on a works for. We had been for food and then was drinking quite heavily, i want to start it by saying though, there was no one there that i would have kissed even if i was single. My managers were very weird with me and it did freak me out but all in all i thought i was okay on the night, on the way home, when i got home and when i first woke up. Until i went back to sleep and woke up again with the thought that someone other than joe had kissed me that night and i had the thought that i would just say i was that drunk i thought it was him. This sent me into absolute overdrive as i couldn’t tell whether it was a dream or something that had truly happened. I messaged everyone asking if i had kissed anyone to which everyone replied no other than this girl that said this boy (who i would have laughed at if you told me i had kissed a year prior) had pecked me to which she then said i think it was on the cheek. I got sent into panick and messaged him straight away to which his response was no, i don’t think so. I brushed that over my shoulder as i completely had no recollection of anything with him other than a conversation. Weeks past by and i was struggling with the same two thoughts over and over again to which one day jacob popped into my head and i couldn’t tell whether it was just a thought or a memory. Multiple ideas that could just be thoughts but felt real i kept clinging to would pop out of no where (this was after we broke up as well) and i still almost 3 months later can not seem to find out whether this happened or not, i even went to see if i could get cctv footage, double checked with everyone. I’m pretty sure the boy i was with cheated on me but i can not get it out my head or get rid of this guilt feeling that i’m not even sure u deserve but it’s making me feel worthless and undeserving of anything, life feels so bad at the minute i just wondered if anyone could help. This isn’t something i would ever do so it doesn’t make any sense, but the thoughts are telling me it’s real and then sometimes that it’s not. Just wondered if anyone had a similar situation?

So, I think I’ve had enough time with out ocd symptoms to know that my intrusive thoughts are just that, intrusive thoughts. However, I’m having a spike right now and again it feels so real. I have tried erp before and I would ruminate the whole time after the exposure and I would try to stop it but rumination for me is so automatic. I don’t event know I’m doing it sometimes. I would want to start erp again but how can I stop rumination? I know if I don’t stop it, then I’m not doing the prevention part which would then not benefit me at all . Anyone has successfully stopped ruminating after being triggered?

I’ve never had sex you I feel like I can but since I haven’t and I’m 14 I feel I might be dangerous and I could be a threat to women and society. Please help me get around this

Did all of you have a dyagnosis made by a professional? Or some of you know you have OCD even without a diagnosis? _ I had years ago a dyagnosis made by a psychologist. My symptoms weren't very developed as they are now so I guess my chances to have a formal diagnostic by a psychiatrist are higher now. However I feel I don't need a diagnosis bcs I already know I have ocd due to my symptoms and this psychologist opinion, and i won't take meds bcs i don't consider i need them. What I consider I need is some ERP so maybe at some moment of my life I will se a professional for that. By the moment I have no resources for therapy, but I receive help from some YouTube ocd sources, the advices of the people in this forum (thank you a lot) and the advice/ material the professionals from this site provide, thank you too

I have OCD and a while back I sent my mother an article explaining what OCD was like for people with OCD and she still doesn’t get it. Every time I have an off day she says I’m letting my OCD win or she will say that I should schedule my worrying for later. Sometimes she will even say that I like having OCD because I like feeling like a victim. I have told her time and time again that OCD doesn’t work like that but she keeps trying to relate it back to her as in she tries to say that she was anxious once too but then she just decided not to be anxious anymore and she got better. She is also the reason why my OCD got so bad before I decided to get help since she told me just to not be anxious anymore. It’s really hard because whenever I have off days she seems to make them worse.

My coworkers just busted out a loud and open discussion of Jeffery Dahmer. Talking about how he murdered, tortured, and ate people. And how he had some sort of mental health condition. I literally cannot take it anymore. I just came in the bathroom and started to cry. Im so scared of being like him. I can’t even enjoy anything anymore. Usually work is my safe space because I’m surrounded by lots of people, but now they keep bringing this topic up as a discussion. I’ve felt relatively good all day and then this happened. Like I’m so scared i don’t even know who i am anymore. What if i have the same condition that he did? What if i end up like him? What if I’m the next him? I think I’m crying because I’m scared but what if I’m making myself fake cry because i am a bad person. I keep saying that I’m scared but what if I’m not. I keep saying i would never want to be like him but with if i do want it. I cannot escape this maze that I’m in. I finally felt okay this morning and now i don’t know what to feel. I feel like I’m in distress but am i really? Please help. Does anyone else feel like this? Why did this happen to me? I was so happy literally 8 weeks ago. How does this just happen

i had a pretty severe anxiety disorder in 2017. I recovered in like 8 months fully. I couldn't leave my house without feeling anxiety. I couldn't walk around my house, drive with my mother in a car, go to school, the list goes on. With therapy I was able to do all the things I wanted. It was like I was a different human again, my old self but so much stronger. I got ocd just 3 months ago (intrusive thoughts with mental compulsions). It was like my brain suddenly just broke. The last few weeks were horrible. It felt like my life ended. Before, my life has been amazing and I felt such grief that I didn't appreciate it as much. I ended in a mental hospital 3 weeks ago but only stayed for two days because I realized I need to just go on with my life. And that's what I want to tell you: - Ocd is an anxiety disorder. It's not exactly like I had it in 2017 but the feeling is similiar - Do NOT stop your daily life. When you avoid it gets worse in the long run. I know it's hard. I feel it everyday and it gets easier when I pretend like it's not there. Ocd wants to get your attention. Let it be in the background till it fades - No matter what's your subtype you can still do anything you want even when ocd wants to get your attention. For example: harm ocd, you're afraid that you're gonna stab your family member when holding a knife. Take that knife and make some dinner or something. No matter how many times you see that image in your head doing it or your brain repeats "stab them". You know that ocd wants you to avoid things. Without ocd you would have preperad a nice salad for example. You can still do it. It's just your ocd that thinks you can't. - Learning by doing. Your brain needs to learn that there is no real danger. You can tell yourself 100 times that it's not dangerous but it won't learn. It only learns by doing. And it takes some time but it's not impossible. Lastly: You won't feel like this forever. You don't need to feel okay to do things. You need to do things to feel okay again. I only had ocd for a few weeks but i'm recovering everyday a bit more because I KNOW my disorder. Some people take years to figure out what they have and suffer in silence. I have to wait to get therapy but I don't have to wait to Start erp or get my life back together. I have the strengh to heal myself with my knowledge and patience and you can aswell! Sending lots of love and hope!

I had therapy on Tuesday. We did an exposure by watching an interview with Jeffrey Dahmer. He kept using the words “obsession” and “compulsion” and said his thoughts became too strong and he gave into them. He said a lot of other things but Of course I fixated on that. When I was doing the exposure in therapy, I did not feel to bad but now I cannot shake the feeling that I want to be like him and I’m secretly this monster. It is crushing me and I feel so dark and disgusted.

Help! I’ve had contamination OCD for so long that I feel like I can’t escape! It’s mainly focused on trash and bodily fluids. It wasn’t so bad until I came across some used condoms on the parking lot one day and have been obsessed with the thought of stepping on it and spreading it in my car and in my apartment with my shoes. I can’t touch my shoes, car mat, floors etc anymore. If I did touched my shoes, I will stop everything and immediately wash my hands repeatedly, maybe even take a shower. I am tempted to just throw my shoes away but I have already thrown away so many things in the past due to contamination OCD. I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I crazy? Will ERP help at all?

My dad recently died and it’s really ramped up my real event OCD. He was only 63. The chronic guilt of my worst mistakes haunt me worse than ever and I want so bad to confess to my mother. The event happened 17 years ago and I never repeated the mistake. I was 19. I had or have a learning disability. I don’t think my moral compass fully developed until after that. I love doing good now and made a career out of it, but the chronic guilt eats at me. How do I deal with this? How do I not confess?

Howie Mandel's lifelong struggle with OCD inspired him to help others who have experienced similar suffering. During his guest appearance on the Jennifer Hudson Show, Howie used his platform to open up about his own experiences and bring attention to the widespread stigma that remains around OCD, other mental health struggles, and mental healthcare. Watch Howie talk about his own struggle with OCD and why he partnered with NOCD to combat stigma and make mental healthcare more accessible at https://learn.nocd.com/HowieMandel_JHud