Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Here’s a guy who is struggling really hard as of late with his so-ocd. But here’s a reminder to try and stay in the present and enjoy your life :)

I’m at the hospital with my niece waiting for my grandma to get a heart test done and while we are waiting my niece was talking and she touched my arm weird and I felt like I got groinal response it happened so weird and I’m scared to death right now I pray to God it wasn’t something else that it was just groinal response but I’m literally freaking out right now. What do I do! I really hope I didn’t do anything wrong or nothing is wrong with me. It was so weird when she touched my arm and shes 12. I love my niece and I would never hurt her or anything but it doesn’t make sense why that happened. I really hope it wasn’t what the ocd is saying happened. I don’t want to be a monster 💔

Im so tired… For the context I used to identified as bi when I was a teenager, I even tried with a woman (s*x only cause I never really wanted to date a woman) but I didn’t really like it like I couldn’t even touch her but idk I stil identified as bi after that cause it feels cool to be not like the other I guess + I have a bf so I didn’t mind if I were or not… Since so-ocd came I realise that I was not even bisexual cause like I dread to be with a woman like It makes me unhappy and I don’t want to ever have sex with a woman again and the experience I had kept coming back in my mind and make me nauseous like it really made me want to cry…. But since So-ocd apparently can’t make your sexual orientation change that must mean I’m lying to myself and I must be bi cause I used to think I was and I tried with a woman so I feel like I have no choice… So now it feels I’m bi with SO-ocd even if I don’t want to do anything with a woman 😪( at first I thought I was bi and so ocd made me think I was a lesbian then I realise I don’t like girls so I’m afraid of being bi but what if it’s just ocd and I’m really bi and I’m lying to myself 🥲🥲🥲 I can’t do this and my past is a torture

I'm just so tired of feeling sick to my stomach and having a lack of appetite. My ROCD is just ridiculous. It is partner focused ROCD and I find it to be stupid because no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. I know I have flaws and yet I'm obsessing over my bfs. I'm just tired!!!

I just mainly made this post to vent, I just need to share with people who understand and I know you all do. So I’ve had this best friend for about 4 years now and we’re really close! I talk to her about everything and we have talked daily since we met. I feel so grateful to have such an amazing friend and I just don’t feel like I deserve such an honour. Things have gotten rough recently though. To clarify I had, in the past, caught feelings for her. Though I really didn’t want to pursue them for a multitude of reasons I don’t feel are necessary to mention right now. I got over them and she basically became like another sister to me, and I just really appreciate having her there. Well, I guess my OCD picked up on how much I care about this friendship. All of the sudden my intrusive thoughts have been targeting her. It’s been horrible and just sickening to me. I don’t wanna delve into too much detail on what they are, but they go against everything I thought about our relationship. I guess my OCD has used that past crush I had as evidence that I secretly want these thoughts. Even though I feel horrible and anxious and sad every time they hit me. I just hate myself for them. I know they aren’t me, but they’re awful. And I feel awful thinking about them. Every day they feel more influential and real. I know I have to fight these thoughts alone since no one fan really help besides moral support. But I just wish I could tell her I’m sorry. I wish she had a better friend than me. She is such an amazing person and I think she deserves better friends than me. Thanks for listening everyone, it means a lot. It’s a lonely world out there, but this app makes it feel a little less lonely

24 years and Harm OCD and SO-OCD has been popping up the most for me through out my life. Is there a way I can prevent it from ever coming back ??

I have been stuck in rumination for the past several hours, and I feel at a dead end. Can good people, unintentionally, do bad things and still be considered good? I handled a situation with a little less grace than I would have liked to, and now I feel like a monster. It was such a small moment- but it has ruined my day. Any advice?

Does anyone have any tips/calm down routine/ mental health ritual they do for days where ocd is bad? I’d love some tips.

I struggled and beat harm ocd a couple years ago and it hasn't really affected me since. The other night I had the worst episode I've probably had and now I feel like I've backtracked right back to where I was, except worse. I was just driving on the freeway, going fast, listening to music after a really long day at about 11pm. I had a thought about letting my car swerve and crash but I've had thoughts like that a million times and they don't really affect me anymore. However I actually felt the intense urge/feeling like I was about to. Like I wouldn't feel "right" until I did it. It was an itch I needed to scratch. My heart rate spiked, my hands got sweaty and I felt like I couldn't breathe and was restraining myself from letting go of the wheel. It was all happening so fast and in that moment I really thought my life was about to end. The lack of control I felt was actually horrifying. It felt like I was being possessed by the urge but the real me was screaming for help. I've struggled with thoughts like this and felt "urges" in the past but nothing to this extent. I tried driving on the freeway again the next day (I think I'm only triggered when going fast because that's when I have the potential to actually cause damage) and my brain went into that mode again because that was how it felt the last time I drove. I had to get off the freeway and take backroads. I'm terrified. I have to drive for work and literally don't know what to do. I know leaning into the thoughts/ not running away from them is good, but that genuinely makes me feel like I'm gonna do it. Like the moment I say "ok I'll just do it" as a form of ERP I feel like I WILL do it. I don't trust myself. If anyone has gone through something similar to this extent, I'd really appreciate any support or advice. I'm also going to look into therapy again, so I think that'll help a lot too. However it's gonna take a bit of time to find someone so in the mean time I'm really not sure what to do :/

I was diagnosed last week. The psychiatrist prescribed Anafranil and I had weird, really uncomfortable side effects. She told me to stop taking it but we haven't had our next appointment. I'm wondering what meds y'all have taken that you liked? My OCD is moderate and doesn't always bother me so I might just try the supplements I'm already taking and ERP. Idk yet. The medicine thing freaks me out anyway. I know that my psychiatrist is the expert and all that. We have an appointment set up- I don't need to be told to speak to my psychiatrist. I'm just wondering what meds people found helpful with minimal/tolerable side effects. Thanks.

I did what is arguable the biggest ERP for me today- highway driving. I thought I would feel super accomplished and be living on cloud 9 after doing it. This is something I’ve been scared to do all my life, and I did it, But nope! No happiness here. I’ve been busy all day, stressed about other things, and feeling like the next highway ERPs are going to be harder. My family hardly registered my return from my drive, and I received no congratulations from my spouse. The one thing I did to celebrate was buy an iced coffee, but it tasted old :(

So right now my atraction to females my preferred gender has almost vanished since hocd started, got false ones to men and sometimes my mind says that's what I want and like or that it would be better to feel these false ones instead of not feeling anything but that's not what I really think they're just thoughts that pop out of nowhere based on feelings that I get because of ocd. Is this something that should be happening?

Is Anyone else scared of not being gay but actually Asexuell? Whenever I see someone attractive im checking if I'm really attracted to the person and if not I panic. When I'm intimate with someone else and I'm not quite there (wich sadly happens most of the time nowadays) it terrifies me and gives me extreme anxiety because I fear that I lost my sex drive. I'm also constantly "aware" of my groinal area, checking if it feels any sensations at all and if it feels numb i panic or just not right I start to panic. This might be the scariest of my Obsessions because I think it targets a core fear of mine.

So yesterday I had one of the worst days of my life. I Google Porn and I wanted to make sure it’s adults only and there was no kids or teens ever. Thankfully it was only Adults but now I’m scared what if I was to type CP on Google and it shows it. Someone said it’s on the dark web which they said it’s impossible for mainstream internet like my Google chrome as I refuse to get Tor Browser as that’s how people access to the dark web and I refuse because one it has CP and two it also has illegal drugs and weapons I heard. But I want to know does anyone with POCD and Real Event OCD have fears what if you were to snap one day and look for that illegal stuff? Because I’m scared and I had a meltdown yesterday because of that fear.

I tried sativa for the first time last night and now I feel super anxious and my ocd thoughts are kicking in. I never smoke. I feel so uneasy and my head feels weird.

I recently watched Daniel Mackler on YouTube speaking on OCD and he saids that OCD Is a coping mechanism for a deep rooted trauma that was left unresolved. We are stuck in the psyche of an unresolved trauma without any solutions so we find things in our surroundings to explain this unresolved trauma/ anxiety that we feel which is the contamination fears, lock checking, etc… And it keeps coming back because we never actually get to the core issue of the trauma. Often times, the trauma revolves around guilt, shame or something unacceptable to you.

I was in a restaurant and all of a sudden I had this thought about the waiter. It made me feel like i liked her and it was just so annoying. I don’t know if this is just me at this point but i went into such a sad mood and felt like crying. Then i just because hyper aware of women around me and it was not fun. I hate this

Hello, I would like to share my story with fighting OCD. I don't expect many people to read this but I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the first half of this story, maybe even just little bits and pieces of it. Once upon a time, I was terribly scared of going insane. The intrusive thoughts about harming others and the feelings that came along with said thoughts made me excessively worry that I was loosing my mind. I was not losing my mind, however, the amount of anxiety I felt sure made it feel like I was on the break of loosing my sanity. Turns out, I was only suffering from a classic case of of harm OCD. Though, there was a point in the middle of my obsession where it was just like my psyche had changed. I wasn't the same sweet and caring girl anymore. I started to think that I had turned into a sociopath. I remember the day it happened, I felt numb. I think it's safe to say I got hit with depression that day. I had no energy and the anxiety wasn't ever so present anymore. So, was it a backdoor spike? Probably was, but regardless of that, I had never truely stopped obsessing. I remember feeling weird like as if a part of me was gone. Oddly enough, as scary as it was, I missed the anxiety. I still miss it to this day. It was around the time that my "psyche had changed," where my symptoms started to get worse. I began to feel harm urges more frequently. I remember it feeling like I was retaining myself from going crazy. I remember crying and writing in a journal that it felt like I had wanted to act on my thoughts while really and truely not wanting to at the same time. This experience had messed me up for a long time because I had no idea these "urges" were a common occurrence for those with OCD, and they had felt so terrifyingly real. To me, this experience was nothing but proof that I was some sort of psychopath. So, I was real ashamed of it and would get rid of any jackets I wore frequently around that time cause they had bad memories attached to them and I just kind of kept it a secret. Urges? What urges? I didn't want to have anything to do with that part of me. I wish I didn't waste time worrying over what were just false feelings, it was clear that I never wanted to hurt a soul. Eventually the urges just went away. Thankfully, I don't get them anymore. One other thing that had occurred during my urges phase was rumination. This had to be my biggest compulsion. When it first started, I was sitting in my history class and the teacher had mentioned something about how the punishment for stealing livestock in some country back in the day would be death. She asked us how we felt about it and one kid said it was harsh. In my mind, I thought, "how is that harsh?" Holy. F**k. I didn't know how it was harsh. What I had felt along with the thought felt genuine. Had I lost my empathy? I began to analyze it, the person being killed for stealing a pig, trying to find some sort of reason as to feel disgust towards it. I was arguing with myself to find the answers I so desperately wanted to hear from myself. Nothing. I was confused on how this was harsh. This thought pattern would plague my entire school year. I remember times when I was riding the bus home and I started to ruminate in the same fashion again, except my thought was "what's wrong with killing?" I felt the need to clear the confusion in my head cause this thought wouldn't go away until it felt right. I was doomed to repeat this action for years. I mean, becoming a murderer was my worst fear imaginable despite being numb to the idea. I was going to do everything in my power to stop it. Throughout Highschool, I would pick up certain deep irrational thoughts to ruminate on, most of which are tied in with the harm OCD. They just seemed pretty serious to me, partly because they made me feel so confused, I felt like I had to figure them out. They didn't really give me anxiety, I just obsessed over them. I'll list some examples below: ■One of the thoughts was a confusion about why we feel guilt and I would literally argue in my mind that guilt was just chemicals in the brain and therefore doesn't hold any real value. I did the same thing with love. I don't remember the exact thought process but it was just wacky. ■There was also a breif period of time where I had to ruminate on what exactly basic English words ment like I understood them but I felt like I couldn't truely process what they ment until I knew why and where they come from, etc. ■One time I couldn't even make sense of music, it was just sound to me? ■My brother had told me about yin and yang once and how it represents the balance between both good and evil. I'm not sure how accurate that is but he said without good, there can be no evil and without evil, there could be no good. My mind took this and thought that me turning into a serial killer would be good because without evil in the world (me), there would be no good. I literally ruminated on that... seriously, it concerned me that it made sense to me. ■This one didn't even last more than a day but my mind once justified rape.. and pedophilia.. gross. ■One big argument in relation to harm OCD was that I technically couldn't kill anyone if there's an afterlife cause the person killed would still be in existence. ◾️Bull about how death doesn't matter because the person dead won't care about anything, how we only care about life bcause we are alive and wired to, or how meaninglesslife is in general. I probably missed one but I can't think of it at the moment. Either way, it's all stupid mombo jombo that randomly pops in my brain and it makes me very depressed. I mean depressed to the point where I find it hard to eat which worries me even more because I don't want my health to get worse. Having these thoughts feel as if i've actually lost my sanity, I feel like I absolutely have to analyze the thought when it comes and try to fix it to standard to how I believe I should think. I don't want to be the one who thinks this way! No way! I'm a perfectly sane and bright person! These mental gymnastics are the reason I decided to give zoloft a try. The last obsession is fairly recent but I have sense come to terms with these thoughts as not viewing them as a bad thing. Death doesnt matter? Sure, I suppose it's subjective. I personally don't care about any meaning of life anymore, im happy with that! I can now put these thoughts behind me and remember them as another irrational obsession. I can look back on all of these thoughts and laugh at how ridiculous they are and all I did was stop thinking about them daily. That's proof that I can grow and break away from having OCD control me. However, what bothers me is how the thoughts were like.. genuine? They felt very rational to me during the moment of obsession. This whole rumination process feels like it could be something other than OCD. The disorder itself is diverse. It's an umbrella term and ones experience can be unique if not simular to others. My disorder makes me ruminate in a way that's not common in OCD (or at least I don't think it is). From what I've seen online, most people would obsess over how or if they did something, if they're a bad person, or what something in particular means, maybe even something exsitential like trying to find out what's real, or magical thinking. I don't exactly go through any of that and it makes me doubt myself a whole lot. I feel pretty alone on this. Chances are, I'm a bit in denial and I mean that in both ways. I could either be in denial that this is obviously OCD or in denial that I don't have OCD. Now, there's no denying that OCD plays a huge role in all this. I strongly believe that it would be ridiculous to say otherwise. My past with the disease itself is the reason why I'm here today. Though, I can barely see my current symptoms as OCD (as OCD as that may sound haha). To be honest, I am very scared of reaching out for help out of fear of being misunderstood or worse, I don't want to ruin my life. What do I do? And what the hell happened in this brain of mine? I guess I shouldn't expect any real answers here, but it feels good to vent, I guess. Anywho, I know this sounds cheesy, but if you managed to give this post any sort of attention, thank you. Just being heard means more than you think. <3 If you relate or have any advice or so on, feel free to add on your thoughts down below!

My MIL and inlaws pretty much ignores any and all safety warnings from my husband and myself since I (very mistakenly) told her I had OCD years ago. With our child this had reached scary proportions to the point where she brought a pound of peanuts to a visit when our pediatrician had thought he might have peanut allergies (i have peanut allergies in my family). She flipped out when my husband asked her to follow cdc guidelines during Covid and assumed they were my idea because of "ocd". I didn't even know the cdc guidelines nor recommend them. I was actually *avoiding* all things Covid related because of my OCD lol... so it was 100% my husband who researched them and asked her to follow them. Furthermore my husband often blames my OCD even when it's not related. For example, he was diagnosed with adhd and has explosive rage meltdowns when his meds aren't just right (he's currently on a good dose) but when I ran and hid from his meltdown (locked myself and our son in the bedroom to avoid him). He blamed my OCD for his meltdown even though he actually had his meltdown because I told him his work schedule was too crazy (nothing to do with ocd). In the early days after our son was born my husband started having frequent meltdowns. He even yelled at me in the hospital because he couldn't sleep. When I tried to tell my therapist at the time she completely victim blamed me saying "you know OCD is really hard to deal with" basically that my ocd caused him to flip out. But here's the thing! I've managed OCD pretty well my whole life and it only started to get bad when my husband started having rage attacks and it's well established that stress in the family can aggravate OCD. Furthermore since my husband switched from Adderall to Ritalin he's had almost NO blow ups and since then my OCD symptoms have rapidly improved just because I'm way less anxious in general. I mean I think anyone with OCD would spiral if there partner was having random unpredictable meltdowns! The worst thing was he would get mad at me and shame ans humiliate me for having compulsions that had NO EFFECT on him like washing my hands or changing my clothes. He had zero compassion. He finally said that the best way for him to deal with it is just to tell himself I don't have OCD Because he told me that just the thought of me having OCD makes him angry? For a while he tried to tell me I DONT have OCD. I told him I definitely do put if it helps him to no ve angry with me then he should keep telling himself that. And strangely it seems to work! I would have thought the other way around like that if he didn't know I had ocd he'd be angrier because why thehell are you washing your hands so much right? But no. Him and his family have so much stigma against mental health issues that he's way less angry at me if he just tells himself I don't have OCD. As for adhd his mom told him it's bullshit but luckily he's not listening to her on that. So yes the stigma is real! Be careful who you tell!

I just feel bad that I'm not good in anything. My parents says I'm so behind in everything. I don't known how to speak,not confident at all. I don't know if I'm jealous or not of my friends because they are good in everything. I'm scared I don't want to be then what's the point of having best friends if you are jealous. My confidence is nill. I don't know I just feel like there is no point of living.