Iām having a really hard time with people disregarding my legitimate concerns about COVID as me just being āunwell.ā I know I take it to an extreme that most donāt. But the basis of my concerns, I am positive, is legitimate and objectively reasonable. I can tell pretty clearly when Iām responding too intensely due to my OCD, but for a number of reasons, my comfortable levels of risk are extremely low. I follow scientific journals and professionals in related fieldsā not some bunk conspiracy stuff! But people who know me seem to be brushing aside my concerns with wanting to avoid COVID as entirely OCD-derived, rather than that I go overboard with my preventatives.
For quite a while, I was simply masking in public places and not going out to eat. But as people have eased their caution, Iāve been compensating by increasing mine, and now Iām masking in my own home as my housemate is no linger masking and actively socializing. I realize there will be overlap with OCD in this area, but I also know that this is a conclusion Iāve also reached otherwise, too. I am in several high risk categories and my health leaves plenty to be desired as it is, and seeing my friends and watching the news articles about healthier people my age and younger having a myriad of terrible health issues come up after their COVID infections, I donāt want to risk the initial illness or the potential chronic conditions it could bring. And frankly, Iām an incredibly depressed person, and one more thing that makes it harder for me to get out of bed in the morning may be the thing that makes me stop wanting to even wake up, literally.
I donāt ask people to change what they do. I realize everyone has different standards and that I canāt expect them to align with mine, nor would I want to insist. So, as a result, I compensate for that lack of caution with myself. I havenāt seen a movie since 2019, I havenāt had a haircut in longer since I was already overdue for one before 2020. I have eaten in one restaurant, seated outdoors, and that was the same visit that someone I was with genuinely narrowly exposed our entire group to COVID.
Iāve had OCD result in agoraphobia for other health issues before. I used to be scared Iād have a medical emergency if I went out for a walk, and could generally push myself through it, and as long as I kept momentum, I could keep going with it and relax. I just hit my mid-thirties and I truly canāt recall a time where I didnāt have OCD, so Iām pretty familiar with it at this point, and this is the hardest Iāve ever had with it because -the thing Iām afraid of is a potential outcome-. Hell, a pandemic illness is one of my greatest fears. Itās an absolute shitshow of it all converging into a miserable slog. But constantly, things I worry about come true. I donāt think itās some cosmic force, I think Iām just good at noticing potential negative results. Iāve had medical issues in recent years that even doctors nearly persuaded me wasnāt a big deal or even happening, and when I finally saw a specialist, they confirmed that it really was going on and I was right to be concerned. I feel like Iām trying to protect my health and people are telling me I donāt need to, but if something happens to me, whoās going to help me? And will I hear that I should have been more careful (like Iāll be telling myself)?
Itās also hard because while I can talk about OCD and explain it very clearly so that people understand Iām not delusional or dangerous or unable to be otherwise rationale, something about this and the fact that I am heavily sequestering myself into isolation as I try to establish a place that feels safe to me makes people look at me funny or respond to me like Iām nuts, even to reasonable things. I had a housemate who very possibly have COVID, so while I was isolating in my room and masking (before this became my norm), the housemate was hanging out in the main parts of the house constantly unmasked. And because I had shared a space with them unmasked, I was waiting to hear the result of their COVID test back. The concern was great enough that it stopped said housemate from going to work as a preventative, but after several days where the results should have been back and I wanted to know so I could potentially have stopped being so hyper-cautious, I finally started asking one every day or so if the results were in. I was treated like an annoyance. Eventually, enough time has passed that they wouldnāt be ācontagiousā anymore, and my own test (which came in sooner than theirs somehow) was proving I didnāt have COVID either. Which was great, but I still wanted to know what their result was in case weād had asymptomatic cases since even those can still cause very quiet illnesses in the long run and because it meant I needed to be VERY sure I didnāt get it again. But people didnāt think it was important, so they treated me like I was nuts for wanting to know this.
This is already exceedingly long, but Iām just exhausted of the whole thing. I donāt know when this is going to improve, I really will quit taking precautions when evidence shows they arenāt necessary, but we donāt know when that really will be, and in the meantime, the true effects of COVID will take some time to be seen. And what weāre already seeing isnāt great! I find my other OCD habits are intensifying, too, and thatās sure not fun! I aim to get into therapy again at some point, but now I need to find a therapist who, while not just patting me on the ass about my worries, at least believes that COVID should be avoided, even if their response to it to try to do that is different than mine. It all absolutely sucks and Iām sick of every last element of it. My mom even was diagnosed with cancer in 2020 and died in 2021, and while still mourning that and processing the trauma of that experience, it was all so much worse happening during COVID. Ugh.
