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the NOCD Community

Hello! I’m struggling with my ROCD right now so I’m listening to worship music and praying and I just wanted to offer to pray for anyone who needs it right now so feel free to drop your prayer requests in the comments and I will pray for you tonight or tomorrow and will like your comment once I’ve finished praying for you so you know that I did. 💓 sending love to you all, stay strong

Looked thru my bfs following on insta and found a few porn accounts. Super triggering for me because that’s what caused my divorce last year, my ex “befriended” a cam girl on snap and then ended up cheating on me with her. Which is what led to me wanting a divorce lol. Yeah so I talked to him about it a little bit but it didn’t really give me reassurance or closure so to speak. Does anyone else struggle with obsessing because of insecurities? Anyone with abandonment issues? I just want to know that I’m not alone in my anxiety and that I’m not the only person who would be triggered by something like that

I feel like my compulsions are taking over my life. Every freaking night i spend so much of my time doing and redoing all my actions from walking up the stairs to crossing a certain part of my room to getting it o to bed. i close my bedroom door like 9 times until it “feels right” and have to sing songs and focus on bones in my body just so that i don’t have a negative thought so that i don’t have to do it again. I’m so over it. i feel like i waste so much time stressing myself out about my thoughts and not having the thoughts so i do things to combat and distract from the thoughts and i just feel freaking insane. yes my medication is helping and makes be wayyyy better than i was three years ago but it still feel like it’s taking over my life. i cant stand it and i feel like the more i do it the more i’m getting g comfortable with other people seeing me do it which just means i’ll do it more. i just can’t !!! so many thoughts and so many actions and it’s all based on people i love so i feel guilty if i dont do the compulsion. And even when i realize that this is all ridiculous and that’s it’s apart of my OCD, i just get sad because i’m still going through with the compulsions and start thinking about how this is my life and how i’m stuck doing this stuff forever!!

As horrifying as some of these posts or should I say thoughts are, I find relief that I am not alone. WE WONT LET IT WIN. God bless you all!

Do people with existential ocd have this terrifying fear that people aren’t real and then they start to feel detached or dissociate only making it worse??? Along with this, do you fear that even though people can relate to you, what if that’s what you’re supposed to hear to help you move on, but really what your fearing is true??? I feel like I’m going insane. I sometimes get these questions, but they go away within minutes. However, these have been staying because I started asking the question “well if people aren’t real then hurt them”. I have other things ruminating in my head, but they’re either too hard to explain or will literally make me sound like I’m going crazy.

i am so close to ending my life today. i have been having the worst days of my life with this new theme: POCD. i keep checking myself if i am aroused, im checking myself 24/7, i keep getting unwanted images of babies, i want to cry just typing this. my heart feels so heavy. i want to die. i don’t deserve anything nice. i don’t deserve my boyfriend. i dont want to hangout with my family anymore. i dont want to have kids anymore. i dont want to fall asleep since bad images come to my mind. i just want to cry and end everything. what if i actually am this sort of monster that wants to harm children and babies? i love them all and have always wanted children of my own. why am i thinking these things? my life has ended for me. this is no way to live. no one has to say anything on here. im just done with life.

Does anyone else talk to family or friends to try to get reassurance and then sometimes get it but later ALWAYS find something they said to ruminate on? That makes you think its true or that they think it is?

Hi Friends, I am supposed to fly this week and my fear of flying is in full force. I feel overwhelmed by the amount of stress and anxiety I am feeling. I get so scared by the thoughts of crashing and air disaster happening especially because I have kids. Part of me just wants to say forget it to this family trip and take a train or drive back home to california. (I already did one 3 hour flight recently with my kids home to visit family in texas and I'm here currently) Has anyone overcome these fears/stopped having them?

Has anyone else got depersonalisation or derealisation and ocd ? It’s bad enough having one or another but combined it’s actual hell. Already feeling disconnected from ur own body mind and voice is scary but coupled with ocd where you doing what is you and what is not. It’s just so hard. My ocd is so severe that I’m losing insight into what is real and what’s not like there’s a disconnect or a shadow just stopping me from being rational. Its a lot to handle tbh. The constant battle between not recognising ur own face self etc and then ocd creating such overpowering strong feelings that that you are the very thing you fear and everything you do to resist the compulsions have some ulterior evil motivate behind it.

Can POCD attach your real desires to children? I seem to get impulses of attraction which cause me to go in panic mode. Does anyone else have this?

I still don't understand how ERP makes you feel better. If you are questioning your thoughts and saying maybe, maybe not, that won't make me feel better. I feel like I'll only feel more sick.

So I just learned that my brother is going to be starting a new full-time job with benefits at the school my mom works at. And to add insult to injury, he’s going to be making more $$ than me. I am deeply hurt by that since I’ve got more education and experience than he does. To compare: Me: PhD awarded 6 years experience in software engineering Prestigious internships Published papers in reputable journals Him: Hasn’t completed his associates degree Worked at fast food But yet, he’s got a full-time position with great benefits without applying to too many jobs. I’m stuck with a part time faculty job making less than a McDonalds employee. And I’ve applied to 350+ jobs already, getting rejected for “overqualified” or not a fit because of my outdated tech skills. Where the hell did I go wrong??? I’m really regretting spending 10+ years working my @ss off for that piece of paper, which in reality no one cares about. He’s getting all the praise from mom and dad now, while I’m the failure who didn’t live up to their potential. It’s a cruel twist of fate. I thought I was going to make boatloads of money with a career as a machine learning engineer. But again, it’s been 350+ applications with not even an interview. FML

Is anyone here non binary or just know a lot about gender because maybe you can help?? I’m feeling so fucking scared, because I feel like a lot of my past has aligned with being trans and it makes me think I must be when I don’t want to be. The thought of being a trans man makes me so uncomfortable and gives me a feeling in my chest. Yesterday I did a compulsion where I went on Reddit to check for “signs you were transgender before knowing” and it was a mistake because I related to quite a few of the things. I started hyperventilating and stuff but I came to realise that most of the stuff I related to was from just non binary people and I felt a LOT better because I’m not scared of being nonbinary and I am only scared of being a trans man. I already kind of am leaning into the non binary identity because I’d always considered myself GNC and somewhat agender. I read some more on nonbinary stuff and I related a lot more and I felt comforted. But then I started feeling really uncomfortable . Of course I think I may be nonbinary and that’s a possibility I have explored many times in the past (I even used she/he pronouns but then forgot about it) but I got scared that I’d be nonbinary in a way that I don’t wanna be. In the past when I’ve questioned it I always concluded I don’t wanna change my pronouns or anything I’m just gonna be me and look androgynous and I wanna be gender-ambiguous in the same way for example hange from aot is. But then I saw something about being trans in denial and thinking “I can be non binary without changing anything” while being in denial about it because they didn’t think they could be trans. It scared me because I had that exact thought process. I even think I thought like “gender isn’t real so I don’t have to change anything about my body!!” or something along those lines And that just sounds like denial so much. I was a masculine and androgynous person . I also basically went through this thing where I got a haircut I didn’t want and I felt really uncomfortable in it. It was a very short haircut which I can only describe as like a nonbinary transmasc teenager haircut?? It made my face softer and i just hated it. It freaks me out how I hated it because it made me look more feminine even if it was stereotypically more androgynous when before that I had a cool androgynous-feminine haircut that I liked a lot. Second thing that really scared me was the question if I would still be nonbinary if I was born male. I feel like the answer is no because I just don’t see that happening. I generally feel like I don’t wanna think about that and I don’t really like thinking about being born male (denial???????). Idk who I’d be if I was born male but I can imagine he’d dress and present himself like I do now. I feel worried that my reasons for being scared of being a trans man is internalised transphobia. I don’t like thinking about becoming male idk if it’s because I value my female body a lot since I am sexual and I like showing it off to my boyfriend. I never really liked my boobs until I met him so that scares me. The rest of my body is fine tho. I also am scared that my intentions are to not ruin my perfect body I’m scared that I only value that and inside I really do wanna be a man. I am with my boyfriend and I’m comfortable in my sexual relationship with him and I’ve always liked showing off to him and doing stuff like that so what if I’m not transitioning because I really value that???????? Because I am generally a masculine person but I like being feminine and sexy to him. And also what if I am holding back because I don’t wanna come out or I don’t wanna go through an awkward in between stage?????? I’m so fucking scared how would I know my intentions. I used to be sure of who I was………… When I think about all this transgender stuff i get a pain in my chest I don’t know what to feel or what to do.. help…

hi so i normally struggle with ROCD but right now I have the most random anxiety and I think it might be OCD so im curious if you guys think it is or if you have any tips on how to calm down. But first TRIGGER WARNING about weight talk (nothing too triggering but just in case <3) Me and my boyfriend have gained the typical relationship weight that comes along with a new relationship. However we’ve made some bad habits and are now trying to get those healthy habits back again and eat healthier and work out more. I ordered these premade meals from factor75 because I have fibromyalgia and cooking is really difficult for me especially with school and work so the microwaveable aspect is really convenient even though I know it would be better to cook myself. But anyways after I already ordered them to come on Tuesday I’ve seen some mixed reviews some saying they love it and some saying they hate it and it’s giving me a ton of anxiety. I’m super anxious that they won’t be good or will come late and have to be thrown away etc and I’m like hyperfixated on it. I’m not sure if it’s OCD but seeing the bad reviews feels like it’s making me ruminate. I know it’s not that deep or that big of an issue but I can’t seem to get it out of my head. They’re on the pricier side so I guess that’s part of why I’m afraid they’ll be bad because I don’t want to waste the money and I want something that will work for me and help me get into better shape. Does this sound like OCD and if so what can I do? I find myself trying to look for positive reviews but they don’t seem to reassure me that they’ll be good or at least alright until I can cancel if I don’t like them. Sorry if this is a dumb post I know there’s a lot worse I could be dealing with 💓

I haven’t been on this app in almost a full year and I’d like to announce that i have successfully overcame most of my OCD !!! The craziest part? One of my biggest fears has actually been one of my favorite subjects to study now. The intrusive thoughts come and go so quickly especially because i give them no meaning anymore if anything i giggle at some thoughts and go on about my day. I usually had a relapse every other month but ive had 0 up to this point and have been enjoying living life without thinking about it at all. I did exposure therapy every other day by myself little by little those things started to become insignificant and i realized that’s what what recovery is all about .. getting your peace of mind back and power over your thoughts !!! I wanted to post this just to give y’all hope that OCD isn’t unbeatable and that it does/will get better ! Do the hard work and face everything you’re scared of to take OCDs power away🤍 You are strong.

So I have pocd so sometimes I have a hard time figuring out what’s acceptable and unacceptable, also sometimes I’m scared of others doing the things I fear. So today my husband and our kids went on a float with some of my family which was going good until I turned around and my husband had gone back to where my cousins and little brother were and I saw he was helping my 16 yr old (f) cousin tie her swim suit that had untied. Which made me uncomfortable especially while there’s people her age around that could have helped and her mom wasn’t that far away. Then like 5 minutes later they were holding onto each others paddle boards and she was holding onto his paddle all while he was holding it close all this time I’m trying to keep our kids close and together. My aunt, her mom was distracted trying to keep my grandparents in line since they aren’t use to kayaking so I don’t even know if she noticed to think anything of it. Then after I was clearly irritated my husband got away from her and was like what’s wrong to which I just said I’m okay. After he realized I wasn’t in the mood to speak with him my cousin came up to me and went on about how her swim suit came untied and why she couldn’t fix it and it just felt like damage control. And I want to clarify I’m not mad at her she’s a child but I’m infuriated that my idiot husband thinks all of that was ok and doesn’t try keep space between them. I don’t know what to do because I know I sometimes blow things out of proportion or I see things different because of ocd, so I don’t know if that was weird or if I’m not thinking right and ocds winning I just need help deciphering what I should do. I honestly just want to tell him to leave and to stay away from my family but I haven’t because I don’t know if it’s me being crazy or if it’s actually concerning. So can someone please help?

Hi, I am not going to say my name yet but I will tell you that I am a teenage girl with OCD. I am too nervous to tell anyone I have OCD but it’s getting very bad. Here are some of my “symptoms”: - I am terrified of becoming sick or getting anyone sick (like I will cry if someone else or me is sick and I will stress about it for wayyy too long) - I am scared of breaking out (I currently have clear skin but I can’t look at anyone else’s skin imperfections like freckles or bumps or anything or else I get very stressed and have to do certain mental things and hand motions to help it) ALSO scared of anything on me not looking nice (like having a booger or crumb) so I am constantly touching my face triggering my other stuff - This is kind of similar to the first one but I am terrified of anything bad happening to me or anyone on my family (like getting a horrible disease) and it’s such a bad thought that I can’t help PLEASE LMK 💗🫶💗🫶💗

Does anyone struggle with anger towards others when they are not doing everything the way you think is most efficient? Or with inanimate objects when they don’t do things your way? It’s like a constant battle in my brain of being angry and trying to stop the anger patterns. It creates an irrational situation with most of my relationships, especially coworkers or roommates. I’ll spend hours rehearsing how I would tell them I like things to be done, imagining them not caring then being angry with them. I have full on fights between non existent people in my head. It only truly goes away when I’ve exited the space for the day and realize it was never a big deal to begin with, just to come back again because I never approached them about it. I don’t like being a mean person, and my attitude comes out as I’m dealing with this in my head. I don’t like being unlikable. Every word out of my mouth becomes condescending. I want to be nice to people, yet I don’t get how they do the things they do. Drives me insane. Has anyone found good coping methods for this? I tried looking up anger management podcasts but they are all geared towards men and I find that their roots for anger are different than mine.

I just deliberately imagined this really horrible thought about my mum to test myself and I never got anxiety but it felt like my body suddenly tensed and I imagined it again and I get this thing where my whole body tensed up and my arms go all tense and I start almost squirming moving my arms all weird and now my back hurts from tensing but I never got anxiety just my whole body is really tense in that moment and then it hurts, does that mean I don’t like the thoughts? Because I never got anxiety but I got really tense and now my heads saying maybe I’m tensing on purpose to pretend I ‘hate’ the thoughts or that I’m bringing the tense on on purpose and I don’t hate it. Basically I’ve been having this thing where (this is the second time this is happening) where it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ of imagining doing that horrible thought or this time it was it felt like I ‘wanted’ to imagine these horrible thoughts of burying and dragging my mum and it felt like k wanted to imagine it for some reason and then I got hot and cold chills and heart was beating fast but for days I’ve been worrying about it screaming and crying to everyone around me but still convinced I now like it and I keep trying to imagine weird and disgusting things like how I would feel if my mum was in the ground and I was in the house and it’s so disgusting but I don’t know why I’m thinking weird crap like that. What level of messed up is that??? And what feeling??? What feeling is there associated to that? Like what the hell is going on. This is gonna sound really weird but it’s almost as if I have to imagine what it would feel like for me to be buried when my heads trying to imagine that about my mum and how would I feel about that??? And trying to convince me I want and like that and I feel really confused and worried. This all happened because I was left alone in the house with my mum (my sister went away for a few days) and I don’t know if it was out of worry but I deliberately started thinking of these disgusting thoughts I’ve never really thought of before about dragging and burying my mum and they were on purpose and for some reason felt like I wanted to imagine them and then I was getting hot and cold chills and rang my sister in the middle of the night worrying, And because it felt like I wanted to think of the thoughts then I was thinking oh I must like it and now I keep trying to imagine the thohhtns to test myself and also feeling crap because it felt like that was about to happen and now I’ve been feeling bad and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always had a creative imagination, my English teachers were always praising me for my creative writing and now my head thinks of these sick disgusting things in so much detail and I don’t even think it’s possible for anyone to think of anything so weird as trying to imagine how it would feel for ‘my mum to be in the ground while I’m in the house’ makes me feel so terrible like what the hell is that and I was trying to imagine it like what the hell and I’ve been going through this for so long and I’ve become a bit numb to the thoughts like I don’t get really anxious like I use to and I can sit there imagining all sorts to test myself and not feel much and now it’s become a problem because I’m not getting anxious and instead it felt like ‘I wanted to’ think of the thoughts then I start imagining messed up things in detail and for days I have been suffering crying and shouting and feeling so hopeless and like everything is doomed there’s nothing I can do and I’ve never felt so helpless than these last few days like I just want help and I don’t know it feels like I’m actually believing this and everything is over and it’s inevitable. I stopped drinking Diet Coke and any drinks with caffeine tea,coffee,fizzy drinks/soda and I was better and I started recently And also eating a lot of fast food McDonald’s and kfc j don’t know if that’s why my problems suddenly Got so bad because I was coping a lot better before and all of a sudden I started eating this food everyday and drink caffeinated drinks and then this happens, it can’t just be a coincidence right? 😞😞😞😞

Hey y’all, I’m almost 33 years old and I’ve had OCD all my life (since I was 8 y/o organizing my stuffed animals and clothes). I’ve always been a perfectionist, do the counting with random things, touch light switches and handles obsessively, checking locks and the stove several times a night, I keep a Lysoled down home with everything asymmetrical and “just right.” Yes, these are all difficult to live with, however it’s almost always been all I have ever known, so for me it’s kind of my “normal.” I have always been overly fearful of many things such as driving over super high bridges or getting lost in the city or my kids falling off a cliff while on a hike or them being taken away by ocean waves or eaten by a shark ect. So anxiety/OCD has always been present in so many different ways even after having children. My kids are now 9 and 11 and I still have fears of them getting kidnapped or someone abusing them at school ect, however last year I watched a show on Hulu that sent me into the worst spiral/panic attack of my entire LIFE. This is how I even found out Harm OCD even existed. It was about a woman who was going to therapy for harm ocd and was afraid of harming her friends and family. IMMEDIATELY my mind went to my younger child, my daughter (never happened to me before, not even as a baby with her!) and I absolutely lost it due to intense intrusive thoughts :/ I thought I was going crazy, then I couldn’t eat, sleep or even go to the bathroom for three days straight. Saw a doctor who gave me medication. I took it and felt worse (not myself). My husband decided we needed to go close to his family for help, so we packed up our entire lives what could fit in the car and left and moved across country still shaking not knowing if I was a psychopath. It was a nightmare y’all. I felt isolated and alone. We went straight to church (still unable to catch my breath) and the sermon was on ANXIETY!! I felt God was talking directly to me. This spiritual journey is an entirely in depth different testimony though. Anyways, this entire year has had a lot of ups and downs, figuring out how to manage this without medication and with church, fellowship, an amazing support system, and lots of YouTube videos. It wasn’t until a few months ago I finally realized I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t until last week I realized there is a whole community who suffers the same way I do!!!! I am SO THANKFUL for this app (hopefully it’s not too much reassurance in itself) but it does make me feel less isolated. I’ve had major breakthroughs these past few months (not completely healed yet) but it’s a real journey y’all. I’m super hopeful. I know God has things in store for me because I keep being presented with new challenges and this next month I will be home alone for a night without my husband and only me and the kids and I am TERRIFIED but I don’t want to back down from this fight. I have to know I can get through this and stop shying away from triggers but facing them and overcoming them. It’s easier said than done but I’m proud of my progress and I’m not giving up. I want to be the protector of my children, not afraid of myself being alone with them and not trusting my own thoughts. These are MY CHILDREN, NOT OCD’S children! It’s time to reclaim what is mine given from God himself. I give glory to Him and Him alone. Without God, I would still be in that dark deep pit on the floor unable to function. Thanks to whoever took time to read this to the end and any support or tips for when my husband leaves would be SO GREATLY APPRECIATED 🫶🏼🤍🫶🏼🤍