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the NOCD Community

Please share your stories of hope and recovery. I’m in a dark place and I need to know it’s possible to carry on.

Hey all! I am really struggling with driving ocd or also known as hit and run ocd. Tonight while driving home from work in the dark, I was passing a car on the side of the road that had their flashers on. I saw them ahead of time so I prepared and got over to the left a little as they were on the right shoulder. Anyways, I was driving on a two lane road. As I started going farther past it, I felt a bump. I looked back but it was hard to see anything because it was dark. Long story short, now I’m struggling with high anxiety with the uncertainty. My rational brain thinks all is ok as there was a car behind me, so I don’t think they would keep going if something were wrong and they would alert me if there was anything to be concerned about. Also I feel like I would know if I hit something. But my what if brain is saying well what if the person in that car got out and walked down a bit to go the bathroom. It’s on a bridge near woods. So now I’m scared as I don’t know what the bump was. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I didn’t go back as I know I’m not supposed to and expose myself but the anxiety is too much to handle. What to do? I’m so depressed about this theme! It’s very overwhelming and debilitating 😓😓

in a month i am going to be seeing a psychiatrist. I have actually been feeling better since this flare begane like 12 weeks ago but still not good. I just dont really know what to say to a psychiatrist. Should i tell them my symptoms in the same way I told my therapist? Im also feeling anxious because it jsut feels like im doing these things to myself and im making myself feel bad and like its my fault. I feel very uncertain and its actually made it harder for me to talk with my therapist too so i feel like im not making the most(or anything really) out of our sessions. Idk what i should tell the psychiatrist. Heres my plan Tell psychiatrist: i have frequent and distressing thoughths about time + age + change + things being new vs old I usually check age and count times from specific dates. Count weeks. Compare ages and dates. Pick skin and pull hair to distract myself which sometimes lasts for hours. Tell about physical feelings stomach aches, vomiting, chills tell about crying. How it used to be everyday and a lot and at almost anytime for around a month or two but now its only occasionally. Used to be very panicked but now mostly anxious and sad. Mood is very up and down. Sometimes i feel hopeful and even jovial but sometimes i feel awful and sick. Also i might want to mention that i feel very dependent on my parents right nwo. I dont know if that's important but ive gotten really dependent on them lately because i feel bad. idk if i should tell them more like how sometimes it made me kind of feel suicidal because i dont feel like that now. Please give advice on how to approach this. It was hard to find a psychiatrist that allowed 17 year olds where i live so Im not really sure on what to expect since it was really difficult to set this up in the first place also should i tell them from when i started having these feeling. Like specifically these feelings came a week after my 17th birthday. But its more like they got worse then. Like the first time i started having these behaviors and feelings i was aroung 10-11 but within those past years it jumped from time/age to different worries (but still kind of in the same realm of what they currently are) But idk if i should becuase the only time it was even close to this bad before was when I was 13 or 14. Also idk if i should mention some other things i struggle with that might not be OCD related. Like i have really trouble with focus and reading as well as visualisation and also verbal articulation. I also tend to like space out for a while. And also when i feel more overwhelmed or anxious its really difficult to talk in general or if its too loud sometimes it makes me cry or feel like i need a physical release like squeezing my self or hitting myself or squeezing something in general. I feel like those are relatively normal things though lol. Even my fixation on age feels really normal its just an issue that it is disruptive to my life. Anyways sorry its so long but id really appreciate advice.

Earlier this week I was suddenly worried about a brain eating amoeba. I began to feel weakness and faintness, and light headedness. I calmed down when I realized that it might be from lack of sleep as I had stayed up until 3:00 and assumed my symptoms were from my anxiety. Well now I’m no longer worried about it and my legs feel so incredibly heavy. I ignored it and went out for a walk, and I was pretty excited and began to walk faster. Suddenly my chest hurt but only for a moment, and then my left shoulder blade, left side of my neck, and left arm started hurting. I came inside and told my mom I was worried I was having a heart attack, she assured me that I wasn’t, and massaged my shoulder and my arm and the pain lessened and was gone within an hour or so. My blood pressure seems okay, it was elevated no doubt because of my fear. Today my legs are still heavy and I still feel somewhat dizzy, I’m having some heartburn and I’m still anxious about possibly having a heart attack. However my mom won’t take me to be checked out and still says I’m fine. Im only 17 but I’m overweight. Im terrified.

Did tracking intrusive thoughts and compulsion in the beginning of treatment make any of you feel worse?

Real event OCD comes with an insane amount of pain and suffering. For me it felt like the worst pain,guilt and anxiety and not one moment of relief for months on end. Feeling hopeless and like ending your life was the only way out. Feeling like my belief in my “goodness” was no longer true if I had done something wrong as a child. Fear of having done something horrible because your memories are blurry and grey. Fear that people will ruin your life and your future because of it. It turned me into someone no longer wanting to leave my house or put myself anywhere where I would receive attention. A deep fear of being a bad person and being rejected by society and made to be something I am not. Understanding OCD - it’s the doubting disorder so whenever your doing compulsions that you think will make things better, remember that no matter what you do, your brain will still doubt it. - It is like having a monster in your brain that knows what you care about the most, and it will attack that relentlessly, it DOES NOT mean anything about you - If OCD is saying “you need to apologize, if you don’t you’re a fraud and a bad person and you’re not doing enough” and even if you give into the compulsion, it will give you the same doubt again and again, leading to you wanting to apologize over and over. IMPORTANT- If you’re scared of a thought NEVER show you’re brain you’re scared- pretend you don’t care, say “maybe that happened maybe it didn’t” or “I don’t really know” or make fun of the thought. If your OCD knows you’re afraid of something, it’s evil and it will give you more of it. Doing compulsions to get rid of fear shows your brain “oh she’s trying to cope and feel better, that means this is something she’s afraid of” by acting like you don’t care, accepting the anxiety and uncertainty, you’re teaching you’re brain that you’re not afraid of these thoughts, and they WILL reduce. Identify your compulsions- I was doing so many mentally that I didn’t realize. - I kept planning out an “apology” or how I would fix a future catastrophe as a result of my real event - Mentally reviewing past events - Trying to figure out “what exactly happened” I kept writing it out in my notes - Compulsively googling and looking on Reddit for answers regarding my real event (I used to google “real event ocd” and obsess over all the symptoms as a way to feel better. I also googled and read Reddit posts related to my real event) - Reaching out to people from the past and apologizing -DO NOT DO in most cases, you will just regret it after and never feel like it’s enough- if you do it only do it ONCE (I apologized across 6 years and never felt like it was enough) - Confessing - I felt like a fraud or like I was lying if I didn’t keep trying to confess or apologize or if I tried to “let it go” it meant I didn’t care (not true) - Self reassurance (don’t worry about it, you’re not a bad person, look at who you are today and have been for the last 15 years, etc.) - Rumination and giving the thoughts continual attention in my mind. Practice exposure and response prevention - start small but expose yourself to the things you find triggering and avoid - Make sure to let the anxiety in and don’t resist it and don’t try to force it out - Most importantly don’t do any compulsions, just face the fear Ans let the anxiety and guilt in and say “I notice I’m feeling this way” Ans keep practicing, over time it will get easier Practice unconditional acceptance - Real event false memory is especially difficult because there is a real event it’s often tied to that is the source of unbearable guilt and anxiety. - Learn that there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” person and having done something wrong doesn’t make you “bad” . - We are all humans who are growing and learning, and the most important thing to show your brain ( even if you don’t believe it) is that you love and accept yourself no matter what. - Question all or nothing thinking “my life will be over” “everyone would hate me forever” “I’m a horrible person”. None of these things are true no matter what and life changes with time Hormones - As someone with a menstrual cycle I noticed that my symptoms got SIGNIFICANTLY worse and I had only a few days a month I felt better and those dates lined up every month. This told me that my symptoms were definitely hormonally exacerbated. - If you notice this, I would recommend trying to regulate your hormones - Birth control and acupuncture have helped me Summary - ERP therapy- NO COMPULSIONS! - Meditation - Releasing my past and future to the universe, what is meant for me will be - Understanding that the problem isn’t the event, it’s the OCD and learning to trick your brain into knowing you’re not afraid. - Self Care and relaxation - Establishing a routine - EFT Tapping- do not do compulsively to relieve anxiety - supplements like Ashwagandha, and magnesium (I’ve also heard of inositol but would verify) - Consider medication (I didn’t take any but definitely consider it and would consider it in the future) All this being said, I have a much better quality of life at this point in time and have recovered significantly over the last 6 months. I’m able to find joy in my life again and look to the future with less fear. I still have a long way to go and anxiety and these intrusive thoughts do bother me, but the degree to which they do is far less. Im not longer plagues by guilt and anxiety24/7 but I still have bad days where I struggle. I’m still working on my fears around posting on social media or becoming a public figure, or returning to the locations I’m afraid of. Hope this helps!

I’ve been freaking out today because my intrusive thoughts keep telling me I have a crush when I don’t and then my anxiety mounted, then the intrusive thoughts about it not being OCD came in, which made me panic even more, I feel like screaming and crying and just don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be gay or bi, I’m not attracted to women and don’t want to be, I’m really scared because I just feel like I can’t trust myself or my thoughts even though I know I don’t want them. And now I’ve read something on here saying multiple people have had this theme and have been treated and have still come out as gay. Now I feel sick and am panicking again. I can’t do this. I wish this had never happened.

or do we all believe we are the exception...

I got social anxiety and I’m so sensitive and I have low self esteem and low confidence. Today my professor at university asked me to explain something to the class, I didn’t know how to explain it but I tried my best, I’m not confident but I can act as if I’m confident, my voice was clear and I kept eye contact with others and I was doing well, suddenly the professor interrupted me and mocked my explanation infront of others becauseI was explaining the wrong topic(he’s actually known for bullying students), and some of my classmates laughed VERY HARD, it sounded personal as if they were waiting for a chance to laugh at me, I didn’t say anything and just kept laughing and smiling but while feeling like a loser inside It really hurt me, I felt like people doesn’t really like me and they hate to see me trying to be confident as if I’m not allowed to, and I hate myself for being weak and not knowing how to respond and for being affected by it, these sort of events really trigger my OCD and worsen it, I feel miserable, what should I do?

Im 24 and have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is the best sex I've ever had and we had an amazing time together on sunday. TMI but I couldn't keep my hands off of him. Now I'm convinced im putting on an act and I should be with a woman. Whenever I meet woman I become convinced I have crushes on them and I think I'm in love with like practically all of my female friends I had for years. I don't feel attracted to my boyfriend today even though two days ago I thought he was so beautiful. This gets so exhausting not knowing how my day is gonna go ever. I want a break from this and the old me back but maybe I have to accept this the "new" me....I just want my boyfriend.

Having Harm OCD is really really scare, no doubt, but sometimes I look at something and I get the most weird intrusive thoughts that make no sense at all. So if you're feeling somehow low about yourself because of your ocd thoughts, read this. So a few intrusive thoughts of mine are: The other day I was again saving a bug and I had to take it in my hand, out of nowhere my mind shouts "eat it, it's delicious" and I was like "what?" and it seemed really suspicious cause I was always afraid of bugs in food and if I would see even the smallest bug I would literally lose apetite. I also get intrusive thoughts about me being attracted to dead things or that I want to taste dead rhings *I think this is because someone told me about a person that was in fact attracted to dead things and got me shocked* and now I have intruisve thoughts like "what if you're the same as that person?" "what if you'd eat that dead dove/rat" , or "what if you'll enjoy kissing a dead person?" and many more. it's very gross, I know but also suspocious of what ocd trying to do cause I have always been a person that wouldn't even touch a spit, now I just got a thought "what if it's not your ocd talking and you really like those things?" and it's funny because it's like ocd is trying to get his job back I also get intrusive thoughts like "people would look better murdered" and again, this is what I hated the most When I save bugs and all of the small things I get intrusive thoughts "it will be so easy to kill them" and even tho they are bugs, I get distressed because "what if" I do it cause they are small and have no power or help and it makes me sad I also get intrusive thoughts like "how do you know a life really matters?" or "how do you know they are real and matter?" . And somehow I am scared that I am going to be judged but this is just my ocd so ocd can be like that. I lost the counting on intrusive thoughts and I was really tired so I said to myself "do you want to beat this or let ocd beat you?" and as many suggested, I just let the thoughts come and go and I stayed in discomfort. Now I feel a little better because I have hope. So you should have hope too. Good luck!

I just don’t understand. I’ve been on Prozac for two weeks. The anxiety has somewhat subsided. It still crops up though, and the ‘what if’ questions are still there, along with intrusive images and statements. And my brain has now twisted it to seem like I’m actually thinking the thoughts and want them. The groinals have been really bad but I’m recognising that I don’t want them. But I’m still scared this is an awakening when I really don’t want that at all. I’m constantly on edge and not sleeping. The false attraction is the worst. Every time I resist doing a checking compulsion, my mind will flash to an image of a girl the SO-OCD has latched onto and say ‘but you have a crush on her!’ ‘you thought she was pretty!’ when I don’t have a crush on her at all and the idea of it makes me feel distressed and scared. I could use some advice right now.

I have a question for the people who have been traumatised to some extent from their OCD experience. How do you not be scared of it? For me, OCD took away all those things I hold most dear with "I don't deserve" thoughts. This included emotions such as love, excitement or just feeling happy. All these things are what I turned to in the past to deal with highly stressful events and now I suddenly didn't deserve them. The anxiety that came with this was horrific. 6 months after the flare I still haven't gotten over the fear, I have a relapse and I relive it all over again. How do I not be scared of it?

Hey everyone, I have seen therapists and been on medication. Neither helped me. Sadly. So I have a weird OCD. I have the typical contamination and health OCD. However, I have a huge fear of hemeroids. It's so odd and I haven't been able to find any information about it. Some say it's a eating disorder because it controls what I eat, how much I eat. I use do have a fear of bad food, you know you eat the wrong food and your Ill the next day. So there were many times I wouldn't eat. Or I'd eat my "safe" food which used to be bread. But now my fear of hemeroids, I can't eat pizza, without putting veggies on it and sour cream. I don't really go a day without eating some type of veggie or fruit. It started when I stopped taking Imodium. Which is odd because it used to constipate me like none other. I was really constipated which never worried me. But after quitting it... I worried and I had rituals. Bath every night. Stuff like that. I used to have wipes id use. Anyways fast forward I got over it a bit and it wasn't a worry. I used to work out 5 days a week. Drink protein shakes. Etc. Then did beauty school. It wasn't a big worry. Then I met my husband and we had our first child. Sadly we lost him at 16 weeks and after that I completely changed. I got obsessed again. But then got pregnant with my second child and I didn't have worries, had her and learned that I had a grape sized hem or skin tag. Once I was able to feel again it was there and wouldn't go away. Granted I was cut with no numbing and lost half my blood. It was rather traumatic. Then had my second child. Almost died while pregnant with her. Blew out discs. Broke ribs. It was bad. After them... I've been pretty bad. I can't even do anything with my husband in fear of hemeroids. I used to take photos of down there. I don't anymore. Now I just check. Which makes it worse because if I have no swelling I'll have swelling after checking so often. :( I haven't read anything about this type of OCD but it consumes my life. It consumes what I eat. How my day goes. If it's good or bad. It makes me stressed about any photo jobs I have, or any jobs I do. I used to barrel race and I loved life. Now I'm stressed and feel worthless because if I feel something there.... I worry. I worry it'll be a hem and be strangled and get bad. I'm worried it'll get a cut on it. I'm worried I'll sit wrong and irritate it. I'm worried I'll get constipated and have issues. My husband gets them with his IBS and he's just like whatever. But me, it ruins my life! I want to get over it. I want to be normal again. I just dunno how to. Because it's a physical sensation that even if it's not there it is. I don't know what to do anymore.

My religious ocd has been flaring up again. I’m afraid that the only way to get over it is to not be Christian at all. Is anyone still a Christian who has overcome or greatly reduced religious ocd?

Aside from exposure practices, what other practices have you all been successful with?

I’m so done with not being able to afford help. I have a family and kids to take care of. I cannot afford therapy with my shitty insurance through work. I am so tired of suffering with anxiety from OCD. I hate OCD! I hate anxiety! It’s like you make too much or too little to get the damn help you need. Life is awful!

Super long post! But I hope it helps someone. Just to note off the top, if you're looking for reassurance here, you're probably not going to find it (sorry - but that's the point!) I've been seeing a lot of posts here with the format "I've had X thought -- does it mean anything?" or "I've had Y feeling and I'm afraid it means ___". If you've had OCD for some time, you know that the follow-up to checking or reassurance seeking is "are you sure?" It might sound like a bit of a bummer, but no matter what kind of reassurance you get from those kinds of questions (and trust me, I've had my fair share!), OCD will never have enough. That sounds really harsh, but if you stick with me for a bit, I promise it gets more hopeful towards the end (and in a way that doesn't require providing reassurance!). OCD loves to take intrusive thoughts, feelings, or urges ("I just had a thought that I could hurt someone") and focus on places where there's doubt ("how can I be sure I don't hurt someone?") and then tries to play out each circumstance with complete certainty ("well that must mean X which must mean Y which must mean Z"). In a way, this kind of "playing out the future" is a way to cover up the uncertainty we all have going on in our everyday lives. With ERP the goal is to allow ourselves to embrace the ambiguity at the start - "I just had a thought that I could hurt someone, and that COULD mean Z; but also maybe not." One thing that OCD often forgets is that thoughts aren't actions - they're just random! YOU get to CHOOSE what your thoughts mean. For example, I might have the thought "I'm going to make a peanut butter jelly sandwich". Does that /have to mean/ I'm craving a peanut butter jelly sandwich right now? Nope. Does that /have to mean/ I'm going to make one? Nope. Does that /have to mean/ that someday I'll be a chef that specializes in making peanut butter jelly sandwiches? Nope. Try to practice: "I had thought X" --> "that might mean something, it might not, AND I get to choose what it means". At the end of the day, I get to choose whether or not I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Try it out sometime: "I had thought X, which I think might mean Y. That may or may not be true AND I can choose what it means." It's important to recognize the difference between that and reassurance seeking or checking - which would look like "I had thought X, which I think might mean Y. I HAVE TO figure out what this means and make sure it's okay". When practicing this it's also important not to get yourself in the loop of "I MUST choose or figure out what this means RIGHT NOW." I've found that reminding myself that I'm an active part of my own decisions in my life gives me a sense of agency that OCD is working really hard to take away. By saying "I can choose", you're taking away the certainty OCD wants you to have about all of the catastrophic outcomes and giving yourself the room to embrace the ambiguity of "hmmm, OCD, I hear what you're saying, but I'm not so sure." It's not easy, and it's not something that will come naturally at first! But be patient and kind with yourself and treat it like you're training your mind to be resilient. You got this!

Hello!! If you use scripts, do you record yourself with an app, write them down and read aloud, or?

Sorry to keep posting here people. I'm feeling pretty hopless right now. I don't know what to do anymore, my I don't deserve thoughts are extremely intrusive right now about everything I do or feel. I don't have the energy to deal with them and I just don't want to deal with them... I know that me not wanting the thoughts is making them stronger, but I've been doing this for too long and I just don't want to anymore. I've got an emotion too, it's horrible and feels like something just isn't right. I got no idea what's triggering it, it's just there