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Anyone with this theme, can we talk please?

*not reassurance seeking* i feel no attraction towards guys anymore but i identify as straight. i feel like im just more aware of attractive women. i i also dont get anxiety from my thoughts. what if its not ocd and im actually in denial? and i get that ocd is a doubting disease but sometimes i have these moments of clarity just for it to go back to hell. sometimes i see a hetero couple and my brain would be like "you want to be in a relationship too but with a woman" and im just like🧍🏾‍♀️cuz wtf or "u can never be in a relationship with a man bc ull be wondering whether or not you should be with a woman" i had one intrusive thought and immediately lost all attraction and before this i had a crush on a guy for mad long😭its like my feelings changed overnight. i also cant be around my friends who r girls bc my brain is like "u think their walk is cute so u must be gay and in denial" or "they did something cute/adorable so ur gay" this theme is also worse bc im a Christian. does anyone else relate with me? i just want to know that im not alone with these.

This morning I had the realisation I might have fallen asleep on a random stray kitten that snuck into my house, obviously I can’t find it anywhere in my house nor can I find any bodies of a dead hurt kitten anywhere home neither did my family, but each of these scenarios can be explained by either the kitten leaving my house in agony and dying outside or my family just lying about finding one as to not hurt my feeling. How does one go aout such unverifiable thoughts, how can I know I didn’t fell asleep on a kitten when I can’t really feel it on a soft bed when under me? Or that it might have jumped on my bed last second when I’m laying on it after I checked there was nothing on it? I know it’s unlikely but I can’t keep living like that... I spend several hours not sleeping yesterday night vecause I kept checking under me while in bed never being satisfied and sure I haven’t falle asleep on a cat and just forced myself to fall asleep regardless but I feel guilty now...

Do you guys have one joint account, separate accounts, or a joint and a separate? Before I got married my husband and I said we’ll do separate, but then later he made comments about us being one, so we agreed to separate accounts and one joint savings. Now he said he’s spending too much money on us and we should have everything all together and I can keep like a thousand on my own account… we almost got divorced last year and I have a good amount of savings etc. and I am a little hesitant. It would probably make things easier since he always pays me back for all of the groceries I buy for him etc. Thoughts?

I have an awful confession/reassurance compulsion and I do it to my boyfriend all the time and it’s always upsetting thoughts for him and he says it’s ok and he’s fine but I’m afraid he’s gonna realize I’m a bad person or get tired of it and leave me

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days since I was 15. I fell into a rabbit hole and did all the mental compulsions and sought reassurance in various forms. I completely broke down and cried and showered two times and felt alone. I talked to my sister yesterday and shared all my thoughts and what if’s. I needed comfort to know I’m not alone. At the end I asked her one of the greatest ways she can support me is to not reassure me. I was crying when I asked her, afraid that I wouldn’t be a reassured from a loved one anymore. I have dealt with SO-OCD since 15, it was through ERP and medication it became tolerable. Since then I’ve dealt with different themes from POCD, Health, Harm, Death and others. But SO-OCD is always the strongest. The days feel long and the nighttime feels like a battle. But last night I chose to practice mindfulness and to breathe. To not be afraid of my thoughts and what if’s and let them pass by. SO-OCD can feel so isolating, it feels like I’m denying or lying to myself even though I don’t see myself growing old with a woman. My mind twists that I have internalized homophobia or biphobia. And it’s just so tricky. Two weeks ago I was obsessing over a guy crush. And it feels like all my experiences with guys are false and has distorted normal interactions with women as signs. Not seeking reassurance in this section. I even went a long period without using NOCD. I know I’m not alone in this, we will get through this. We need to take it one day at a time. We will get through this. Sending strength and courage to all of you.

So I’ve been having OCD therapy for 7 weeks now and the exposures have not made me anxious whatsoever therefore it’s not really working. I think I entered my therapy when my OCD was kind of in the back of my mind but still there and I found myself pretending it was still bad like it used to be because I was worried she wouldn’t understand me otherwise. I was so sure it was OCD, not any sort of gender identity dysphoria, but now I cannot even be sure. The thoughts aren’t so loud but they’re still there and they come with feelings. Everything “female” feels really against my own personality now and I genuinely feel as if I am in denial. I feel like this is how typically all trans people feel. I still kind of obsessively stalk trans men online but with no objective in mind, I just consume their content.. I was sure that I DONT want to be trans bc my thoughts about gender started really really suddenly and I was so anxious that I barely ate or slept and I couldn’t think about anything else. But now that I’ve had this theme for so long I feel like I have enough proof to prove that I am actually trans. I was quite happy before this and had a strong sense of identity. But I can’t feel at home anywhere now and I’m just so confused. I don’t even have the same anxiety anymore but I get uneasy feelings. I’ve even started to compare myself to other trans men, convinced I am like them, and sometimes ways I could “come out” pop into my brain and I think about it. I can’t tell if those are intrusive thoughts or actually me planning it. I don’t know what to wear anymore because I’m not a feminine girl but wearing my extravagant androgynous clothes makes me feel really uneasy. Ever since this OCD has started I’ve been forcing myself to think of myself as a woman in excessive ways. I never really gendered myself before this but now in conversation I’ll refer to myself in a feminine way more than before because I’m afraid everyone else thinks I’m trans and in denial or something and I want to prove to them that I am a girl. All the thoughts and even actual FEELINGS I have about gender I push straight out of my brain and ignore them in a way that a trans person in denial would. I’ve stopped caring about my body and even touching my female parts is mentally painful and I try not to look at myself much. I have never ever actively desired a penis or a deep voice in my life, but I have desired to look more androgynous and to have a more “boyish” intonation when I speak (like some girls have a cool tomboyish voice that has more masculine intonations and way of speaking).. and I’m worried those things were the BEGINNING of me wanting to be a man, like I progress from there in wanting more and more masculine qualities. I always compare myself to one of my girl friends who was an androgynous girl like me but she suddenly started being hyper feminine. We are very similar but I find myself kind of forcing femininity on myself when I’m around her. I feel like a man compared to my girl friends, and something that worries me is that I’ve ALWAYS felt tall around them even though I’m shorter than most of them and the same height as the shortest. I think this was my mind subconsciously perceiving me as manlier as them or something. I just feel so empty and I don’t know who tf I am. I can’t even be sure that I don’t wanna be trans, like yeah it makes me uncomfortable but being cis is making me uncomfortable too. I feel like I’m denying the obvious but I could never ever bring myself to accept myself as trans, I don’t even know how people do that because I could NEVER. I feel like I have internalised transphobia. I kind of know I had OCD bc of the nature of the thoughts and my compulsions and the fact it started so suddenly and I have always had OCD, but I feel like despite my fear of being trans I turned out that way anyway.

can false attractions be triggered by specific people only? this might come off as reassurance-seeking (and to an extent, it might be) but i’m getting so worried that this might not be SOOCD and i’m genuinely attracted to these specific people.

struggling really bad with real event ocd. can anyone share advice

So I've been struggling deeply with uncomfortable intrusive sexual thoughts and it makes me feel so awful and like I'm a bad person even though I never ever want to do these things. I was doing really well recently but then at my school some stranger walked up to me and started being really creepy and making sexual comments and trying to touch me inappropriately and he was just being like really agreesive towards me. It really freaked me out and I've been feeling so dirty and gross. Apparently I found out it happened to another girl as well and now I'm worried about seeing him again or something. I guess I just feel terrible because my OCD is saying that im going to be like him or that I deserved what happened to me and it's been really difficult... I reported it and everything I just need advice on how to deal with this

I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and groinals for over a year and a half now, and the problem has only grown worse and worse. It began with just passing thoughts, and then I started developing groinals a few months in. It is genuinely with everything I love- mostly my family, but also my dogs, the toddler I babysit- and I am suffering so so so much. Eventually, it got to the point where the thoughts didn’t just pass- they would turn into a MINDSET for me and cloud my judgement for seconds to minutes. I feel like I’m in the backseat of my mind, and whatever disgusting irrational monster exists in their is taking the wheel. This still sometimes happens to me, and after it passes I look back on it and genuinely don’t want to live because of how horrible and disgusting I feel. I’m writing this because I just had a really bad moment having to do with my sibling (although things like that happen almost every day to me). No normal human is built for this, and I genuinely can’t do this anymore. I’m not expecting anyone to do anything, as I’m already getting help, but I just needed to get this out. Also, I’m not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I’ll have the WORST and most awful intrusive moments, and then after a bit of time passes I can barely remember how I felt in that moment. It is so hard to feel okay with myself. If anyone even sees this, know that I am wishing for all your happiness and recovery.

I posted earlier, this week has been one of the hardest days since when I was 15. I feel isolated and alone and feel like all the ERP and finding comfort in my diagnoses almost four years ago has crumbled. I tried doing ERP alone but was too triggering. I don’t have insurance at the moment and don’t want to ask the community for reassurance. Are there any tools or words of affirmation or comfort you’ve used in your dark OCD days?

do you hear your thoughts? are your intrusive thoughts words? it feels like I talk to myself all day fighting with my brain in my head and i’m worried.

I know that ocd becomes worse if a girl is having her period but is it normal if my ocd gets worse when I’m ovulating? Also, how can I stop rumminating? I find these videos in yt but I guess it became more a compulsion than other thing and doesn’t reaaly help me that much :/

Lately my OCD has been latching onto the fear of sleepwalking. As far as I know, I've never slept walk in my life. But it's been popping up a lot as a new fear...it's particularly distressing if I happen to have a weird or disturbing dream. I know how to handle it, accept uncertainty and all that. I'm just venting here. I hate OCD so much lol. I feel guilt today with this episode following a dream. Even though I was awoken by the dream in my bed and firmly under the covers. It seems evident it was a dream since I woke up immediately...but my brain goes "what if you actually woke up long after the dream but it just seems like you woke up immediately" I hate this disorder lol.

I had the fleeting thought of what it would be like to be a woman, and now I'm overthinking about being possibly transgender.

Is anyone else scared to recover because that could mean that it isn’t OCD? 🙃🙂🙃🙂

some of the many issues with OCD i have is having a whole routine before bed, but this routine isn't just making your bed comfy or making sure to shut the window though these two are also important, it's brushing my teeth for at least 10 minutes or i don't feel clean, making sure i've checked my wardrobe properly, make sure the draws in my bathroom are shut and i cannot physically go to sleep if i haven't slammed my door open at least 5 times. i need to do everything in patterns of five or my mind won't be comfortable. i'm very young still in school and i've told my parents about these reoccurring thoughts constantly but they don't really think it's a big deal, but it takes over my whole life and i swear by it and i just wanted to know if there is any way at all just to make the thoughts a little less overwhelming for me and not as constant, i just feel hopeless at the moment like i will never be able to stop these thoughts. thank you.

Unable to sleep, my area was making me anxious so I started cleaning at 7AM randomly. I don’t have a problem with cleaning, convincing myself I’ll have a long deserved shower to wash away germs. However, my cleaning process contains an entire system of what needs to be done first to prevent cross-contamination, going from least dirty to dirty. However, my dad did something that made me visibly angry, placing a pack of unused sponges I had used for the process, was right next to the bottle of face cleanser I use daily, right after I finished cleaning everything spotlessly. Distressed that my daily cleanser was next to something where germs could be roaming around, even though they had been completely new sponges. I wasn’t sure what to react in that moment besides obvious frustration spurring in my head. But I thought a little too much about how I should feel, and then I told myself, “Should I be angry? Well, yeah! After all this work I put in?” I’m an 18 year old, but I felt like a child had just came out and groaned into a tantrum. A child-like tantrum unlocked inside of me. I gave my mom an earful about my dad’s actions. I wasn’t actually mad at either of them but angry at what happened. Through my own lengths to avoid it, I poured the contents of my cleanser into a new container and discarded the old contaminated bottle. Because of this, this is the big reason I keep most of my own products in my room, nothing out of greediness and pettiness, but the possibility of contamination. Overall, I felt a lot better after a deserved shower, but I never knew how my temperament could spout the frustrations of that of a child. I feel a kinda bad for reintroducing my 4-year old self to my parents at ten o clock in the morning so I’m going to treat them to a salad lol.