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the NOCD Community

I just want to know people who have recovered from OCD without therapist and using self help books and online resources

My psychiatrist said to stop smoking weed because not only is it a compulsion but getting high can make the thoughts worse. It definitely helps with anxiety but then i get into this weird state of not knowing what’s real and fake. Idk why

I am having trouble coping with the fact that my daughters will not be with me on Christmas. Their dad left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. The girls are now 18 months and 6 months and it breaks my heart that my life now consists of their dad getting to spend the holiday with them, and I will not. These thoughts are making my BFRD harder to control.

Hello I'm new to this... I had a rough childhood growing up and I thought once I got out of my parents house then I'll be happy but my demons slowly came out of me and ruined my relationships and myself. I grew up molding myself to people's body languages, way of thinking, actions, feelings and so much more. I wore masks to secure my safety( illusion) and protect my sisters. As a child I was described by adults as " too serious" but I didn't want to be serious and what I wanted the most as a kid is not to have toys to play with or have friends or watch cartoons but I just wanted feel innocent and to have a child like mind. I wanted to be a kid. I grew up watching others kids be kids and I felt so alone. I was jealous of them. My naivety was stolen by my parents and then my innocence was stolen by my grandpa and my grandma knew but never protected me. She made me feel better every time after it happened but I wish she would've just put a stop to him and protected me. But she was scared of what other's would think about him because he's a pastor. She was too concerned about their image than my own well being. I wasn't safe at home with my parents and I wasn't safe at my grandparents house also but I still had to visit them every Friday because my mother wanted some alone time from us the kids. The mental, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse happened since I was three and up untill I was 19 and finally left my parents house. My grandpa is in prison but it doesn't bring me a peace of mind. I still feel broken, dirty, used and lost. I'm crying now writing this all down because it hurts to finally admit to myself that they all broke me. I don't know what to do and how to live my life at all. I don't know what and who I am on my own. It's scary to me not knowing where I belong. My relationships don't last longer than 4 years. The shortest I've been in was a year. The reason why is that I have BPD and it controls my life. I don't like any physical contact and any affection. I don't like when people touch me in any kind of way. It turns me off and I immediately shut down. When my partner wanted to get a hug, I froze and I didn't know how to react and he got upset because he thought that I didn't love him. It's true though. I never loved anyone and I never will. Its not in me. I grew up in hate, rage, fear and love was never allowed. I don't know what love is. And I'm not talking just about romance relationships but also when I'm around relatives or my sisters... I don't feel anything towards anyone. I'm cold and stiff and constantly overthinking and feeling paranoid. I hide it pretty well on the outside but inside I'm dying. I have OCD but I never got treated for that in the mental health facility I stayed in after attempting suicide because of my abusive relationship but also other fear factors that played the part. Anyway, I want to so badly to heal and try to live my life fully. I don't want to waste my life being other people and be in pain. I'm tired. I want my OCD to go away. It's causing me so much distress mentally and physically. I take extremely long showers and my skin is hurting. I can't stop feeling dirty no matter how many times I shower. I space out often and forget if I done it or not and then do the same thing over and over again like washing my hands. I need to learn how to trust myself. I need help. If anyone can relate to my story please feel free to reach out because right now I feel very alone and scared dealing with all this on my own. I hope I can find people who can understand and support me through this hard but necessary journey. I'm sorry for not going into many details about my trauma because I don't want to trigger anyone on here. I know what that feels like so I just want to be careful and mindful of others who will read this post.

Last night I realized I need to stop thrifting & shopping at vintage clothing stores. I actually didn’t realize this my friend helped me, (he does not have OCD). A lot of my Contamination and Health concern OCD doesn’t show up with nature, it shows up with the people im around and what they do. I would LOVE to be someone thrifts nice clothes and shops for good vintage items but recently after purchasing 4 things from a vintage store, that dream had to walk out the door. The items I bought were: A fur collar, two 80s tops with puff sleeves, and a hand crocheted vest. No matter how many times I washed them I could still smell the scent of the store I bought them from which was, Warm, Dusty, and Claustrophobic (I dont know how something can smell claustrophobic but trust me they did) Other people in my house say they smell normal but I knew it was there and became very worried about getting sick or breathing in someone else’s Skin, Rot, or even Mold spores. Anyways, against my better judgement I threw away the fur collar holding it in a bag as far away from my body as possible, and put all the other clothing items in the darkest furthest corner of my closet after dousing them in perfumes and anti bacterial spray. I opened all the windows in my room, turned on an air purifier and two fans to the max, and turned off the heater, for maximum airflow. This left me freezing all night but it was the only way I would’ve slept in the first place. I have no idea how to handle this in the future so for now, I’ll just stick to avoiding the thrift all together.

I was feeling pretty confident lately had no worries about my intrusive thoughts and body signals, but all of a sudden I had an urge/craving for groinal response which is weird for me but I acted on it, (just imagined it and scan my body) recognised that it doesn't necessarily comes from intrusive thoughts but about 50% they come from intrusive thoughts. I acted on it let it sit and wonder if I'm really enjoying this got concerned and it went downhill from there I'd say. Later another day I had a feeling that I would like (sexually) my intrusive thought so I imagined it and felt thrown off immediately didn't enjoy it at all and was disgusted for few days. (I know that I shouldn't check but it worked for me for the longest time) Also had some moments when I felt like I miss adrenaline or intense feelings in my life which I had with OCD and it again felt like I wanted the thoughts only to be disgusted, anxious and stressed. Weirdly when I had the same feelings about other themes, I could brush it way more calm (harm OCD, sexual orientation OCD) but with pOCD it just wrecks me. I needed to vent out past few days has been blocked out for me and I have trouble focusing for even a moment constantly thinking I'm psychopath. :( Can someone with a similar story could share their experiences? That would mean a lot, thanks

Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fan fic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went a way, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and gre me up as one, and after a while the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight i got a strong urge to read it again, cause i knew new chapters have had to come out since i haven’t read the book in song long, and i start reading, i start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hint at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it has been for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was dining well, and now I feel like I just put some back to square one

Hi does anyone get a feeling off a skipped heartbeat/early heartbeat with there anxiety/ocd I have been drs and they said stop caffeine which I did and it still happens, they can’t see anything working with my heart on ecg etc so wondering if it’s can possibly be ocd/anxiety. Thanks

Ever since yesterday I’ve been scared I might have sexually assaulted my badminton teacher while he was holding my hand. Like I was scared I might have put one of my fingers away or moved my hand a bit. My hand still would’ve been on the badminton but mx brain is saying that if one finger had touched his hand it would’ve been SA. And the worse thing is that suddenly I got the intrusive thought „had I ever touched him inappropriately while he was closer to me?“ and the thing is that I don’t remember doing that at all. I usually am a bit uncomfortable around him and I always watch my hands when around other people bc of my fear of doing so. Usually he also stands at the side where he’s holding my hand so my other hand couldn’t even have touched him. And since I’m constantly keeping the badminton thing in my hand it’s just barely possible for me to have ever touched him inappropriately. But now I feel terrible? Should I ask him next Time? I mean he barely knows me yet bc I’ve only been there like 5 times already and he’s over 60 so what if he might have forgotten that?

it’s been immensely hard for me these days. i’ve been managing a impulse to numb myself and my efforts to offer myself compassion are getting harder and harder to manage. i’ve been able to recognize the symptoms i’m experiencing as CTPSD and OCD strongly associated to each other — and this year’s has been such a hard one for me. is there anyone here that’d like to share their own experiences with comorbidities and multiple diagnoses? i’ve been struggling to get the proper care, mainly. that’d be really helpful, thanks.

Has anyone else with kids during a spin out seeked reassurance from their children? I’m feeling alone on this one and extremely guilty about it.

I’m lying awake right now and having a major OCD episode. I am tired, and only 14. I can’t calm down and feel a PA coming. Advise?

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell right now. Everyday, all day, my thoughts are focused on food. My brain is stuck in a cycle of fearing eating and I want it to be over, but I don’t know how to get unstuck! It’s basically like, “Okay the wife told me that we’re having pizza for dinner tonight… but am I in the mood for that? Will I have an appetite for that later? What if I don’t have an appetite and I try to eat it and the texture feels gross in my mouth and I gag or vomit? What if the smell of the pizza makes me feel nauseous? Oh god, but if I don’t eat dinner my blood sugar will get low and it’ll make me feel worse and I’ll get more anxious, so I’m gonna have to eat the pizza to feel okay, but now the pressure of eating this pizza is stressing me out!!” And it’s like that all the time!! I’m trying to push through and not pay the spiraling any mind and just eat like normal, but it’s hard when something that’s such a simple task feels like a herculean struggle, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better :(

I don't know why maybe it's the OCD in me but I just can't comprehend why I'm currently so stressed about my relationship and questioning my feelings towards my boyfriend because I thought about changing the color of my hair or the way I present myself physically??? My brain immediately associates "change" with "this means I'm probably unhappy with my relationship and that I want it to change too" why??? I don't want to have these thoughts and I don't want to associate every little desire I have to change my routine or my appearance with breaking up with my boyfriend. Anyone can relate to these triggers too?

So my biological father had a talk with me a couple hours ago. I’ve been trying to process it and honestly it’s not affecting me as much as I thought it would. Anyway so here’s what happened: he told me that I should be careful what I claim. (For context I told my bio parents that I had ocd and possibly schizophrenia due to some signs I’ve noticed) he thinks I’m making this up, to quote this bastard; “I don’t know what game you’re playing…” and he also said that I might’ve been influenced by social media and im attention seeking. In the car he also said that if word got out that I do have a mental illness then no one is going to want to work for me or want me on the road (now I’m not learning how to drive anytime soon, I’m 16 and was supposed to learn this summer because next year I’m going to college) but that’s not the worst of it. It’s the fact that he said I’m causing THEM problems by having mental problems and asking for help. Help that I really need because I have tried to take my life and cut myself a few times now. I’ve also resorted to drinking to numb the pain. But now I’m going to have to tell them that I am in fact fine and have no mental illness because even though I need help, I value my freedom to get away from them than I do getting help. He has told me to go to hell and that he doesn’t care about me multiple times and every time I knew he wasn’t lying when he said he wished this would happen but now there’s no denying it. He never cared and will never care. My bio mother lets this happen and tries to convince he he’s a good guy who does these things because he cares. Someone who cares about me wouldn’t do this. Both of them can go fuck themselves. Thank you for listening to my rant talk 😻🫶‼️

Hey y'all - I did something unintentionally, and now I'm really scared that I broke a boundary in my relationship. I have heard the logic for both sides of the argument, and while I don't believe I broke a boundary (when I'm somewhat calm) - I'm still plagued with doubt and fear, and it's making me believe that I did indeed do something wrong. Is this real event ocd? Did I actually do something wrong? I don't know what to do.

I got a Christmas advent calendar consisting of 25 presents from my boyfriend at the beginning of this month. When I opened day one, I had this thought that if he and I broke up I wouldn't get to open the rest of it. It really freaked me out because it felt like such a terrible thing to think while opening a present from someone you love. I think I was trying to reassure myself by saying that he wouldn't break up with me, which turned into "If we broke up, it'd be me breaking up with him". That was another thing that really overwhelmed me. Since then, basically everyday I've been so focused on the idea that if we broke up, I'd be the one to break up with him. It had me questioning whether or not I really loved him and whether or not I should break up with him. These sort of thoughts really overwhelm me. They make me feel bad, for lack of a better word. I've tried so many different things and a lot of my compulsions revolve around reassurance, Google, thought replacement, and trying to find the source of all of the anxiety. I try to understand what started or could cause it. Lately, I've tried to journal whenever I feel that I've had a very overwhelming day with my OCD. I think it helps somewhat because I'm forced to sit with my thoughts for at least a moment, but then I just go back to feeling negative at some point the next day. I love him and I know I love him so I don't understand why I question those feelings. Last night I sort of just broke down while we were on the phone and explained a lot of what was going on in my head and it health. But while we're on the phone, he apologized for bringing me the box in the first place because we both consider the possibility that it is what triggered the OCD. When I woke up, I didn't feel bad about our relationship, I felt bad about ruining has joy when it came to the present that he got me. I managed to move past that. A couple of minutes ago, I started to get upset again because I had another thought about just us breaking up and it made me cry. In the privacy of my room, I said something about us breaking up out loud so that I could force myself to feel feel what I would feel if we were to break up, and if I were to break up with him. It sucked. I think it was probably a bad idea to try that because I know it can be damaging with OCD, especially without regulation from a therapist. Then, I started to overthink about whether or not I'm loving him the way he deserves to be loved and it made me feel even worse. I started to think about whether or not I was holding him back from finding somebody who would treat the way he deserves, but I feel like I treat him well and that I love him so much. I think more so that thought was centered around whether or not my OCD would be too much and he'd never feel like I loved him enough. I haven't talked to him about this yet, even though I talk to him about basically all of it. I just don't understand why I can't relax. I want to know if it's because of the box and I want it to stop. I'm scared that treatment would show me that my OCD was actually honest, or that it wasn't OCD at all. I also worry that ERP would make me actually feel the things I'd be exposed to. I know that for a lot of people, these concerns are part of the disease, but it still is a fear of mine. I just want the anxiety to stop, even for just a day.

Hey everyone, I’ve not posted on here before so here goes… I might be all over the place so please bear with me but would appreciate your guys help. I’ll do my best to explain everything. Sorry if I go on a bit here. I’ve always had quirks since I was a kid such as having to step on grates in the floor, counting things and asking people to repeat themselves. I’ve just always lived with it and never thought much of it or paid much attention to it I guess and then COVID happened… I ended up with far too much time on my hands and nowhere to go which drove me crazy. I couldn’t stand it and had no escape as such. I really struggled and sought professional help for what I thought was anxiety. I ended up on Sertraline tablets and had counselling. I’m not so sure the counselling helped but I think that might be because we were classing it as anxiety. In the mean time, I’ve done a bit of research in my spare time and came across OCD. As soon as I looked in to it, things made a lot more sense. It just seemed “me.” The reassurance, the making people repeat themselves, asking the same question, going round in circles in my head and never being happy with the answer I got so I “had to ask again.” It really just started to make sense to me and I kind of understood what was “wrong” with me and I guess I got a bit of peace from that. I came off my tablets about a year ago as I thought I was better until recently. The past week or so, maybe two weeks, I’ve really gone backwards and it’s almost debilitating for me again. I think the fact I’ve done this before and remember how awful it was last time makes this time even worse because I thought I’d beaten this, naive maybe? How my OCD tends to work is I get fixated on one thing/question and it runs around in my head repeatedly. I might get the reassurance once, I won’t be happy with that, it doesn’t seem to go in so I have to ask again and the cycle continues. It’s also sneaky as OCD generally is and I’ll find different ways of asking etc. I always tell myself the next time I ask will be the last time but for some reason, it doesn’t click and I have to ask again. It’s making me unhappy, I’m sat at home with it going round in my head. I can’t focus on spending time with my family or my children as it consumes me so I take myself off to the bedroom to be alone. I’m scared of ruining Christmas for the kids because of it. I’m a grown man but I’m getting upset over all of this. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest as I’m getting that worked up from all of this and panicking so I end up in floods of tears just not able to handle this. I take the small wins such as finding this subreddit and there is more online than I thought about this so I’m glad I’m not alone but I do feel like “my OCD” is on it’s own. I don’t find many that are obsessed on these small things that I get fixated on so that makes me feel stupid as well, like my OCD isn’t relevant if you get me? What seemed to trigger me this time around is something that happened at work. The problem is I now feel like that person has the “answers”, is the key to my happiness (awful feeling) and I’m holding some kind of disdain for that person as I feel I need reassurance from them. Can anyone please help me at all or give me some advice? I’d greatly appreciate it. Have a nice Christmas guys, thanks for reading. :)

so i was just thinking about how girls are able to connect so easily with their boyfriends as if they’re on of their best girl friends and then i got worried that i’ll never be able to do that. like for example i’ve never had a boy friend (emphasis on friend lol) so i don’t know how different the bond is you know? i guess what i was worried about is that if i got into a relationship i wouldn’t know what to talk about with him, meaning that i’d rather have a girlfriend? but writing it down now it all seems kind of silly

So back then when I was 18 I went to Mexico the month after my birthday and I met this dude there who was 14 but turned 15 that same month and we had a thing for a eachother and he did look older and was much taller than me and seemed mature. But now I’m so worried why did I like him or talk to him that way back then. I am now 20 and he’s 17 and I haven’t talked to him at all because I’m in a loving healthy relationship with my bf who is 27. I have a fear of being a pedo and I’m so scared that what happened back then makes me a pedo :((