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I just feel a complete weirdo for my actions, I’ve made mistakes with females and I’m scared I went too far this one night on my own intoxicated and feel I done something horrible, what shall I do

I was set up to have my first appointment. I realized it would have to be out of pocket. I can’t really afford this but my tax returns are inbound so that helps. I kept getting a prompt in the app to upload my insurance. DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU HAVE MEDICAID. Now my appointment has been cancelled and I am not eligible to schedule one. There are no providers near me that specialize in OCD. I just got done bawling my eyes out. The relief I felt to finally be heard and understood and then to have that ripped from me is completely devastating. I feel so hopeless!

I saw someone on here say they dealt with POCD for only 3 months and they just got better…I’ve been dealing with the same theme every day for the past year now. What does that mean?

I have a Big fear of pregnancy/childbirth/newborns. My partner wants kids of his own and adopt but I’d rather just adopt. I feel like I like the idea of it sometimes and now it’s terrible fear. I’m also on my cycle so I know that affects OCD too. I feel like I get some validation from knowing my partner wants kids with me like I’m of value and wanted but then when faced with the reality of having kids in the near future it haunts me. My reasons seem more irrational though. From body dysmorphia in pregnancy to the pain and complications of birth, I also hate hospitals. I also deal with people pleasing a lot so that works it’s way in too. The way it’s portrayed on social media doesn’t help either. My own past with mental health, fear, the way my own family was dysfunctional, trauma and ptsd has definitely put my mind in a one track thinking of fear. I know fear just needs reframing most of the time and I feel better about things once it clicks. I know this is probably related to OCD bc it seems irrational and I have a skewed perspective on most things in life bc of it. For me, I feel really sad and grievous even about having a newborn, it feels like the end of my life and my own survival and the start of bondage. But for some reason I want to adopt or foster and raise kids anyways so I don’t know why I fear my own kids. Weird to say but I always felt like these things were out of reach for me and my own life would end with me like not beyond anyone else like kids. Even calling myself a mom feels weird bc to me there is only one mom my mom. I guess it sounds like I just need to warm up to a new reality possibly? I never grew up wanting to be a mom or get married like other girls. Not that I was against it I was just too busy being a kid myself or fending for myself. I also feel in ways I’m unprepared, immature, and like how can I abandon my own need of survival which is how I felt my whole life and cater to someone else’s survival? I can’t function on my own a lot so how could I possibly be a mom? I know i cant trust myself due to OCD and the skewed beliefs and perspectives my brain adopts bc of it. Even the messiness of birth and the sensuality of motherhood makes me very uncomfortable, I’ve kinda always felt uncomfortable in my own skin and body. The idea of someone else using my body feels violating almost and like I grieve my old self in the future. I’m also a terrible perfectionist so that is a part in these fears too. So I’m just going to be journeying on my own with God to help me dismantle these fears. I can’t afford therapy anymore. I also have a terrible Interoception and gauge of my feelings so the lack of desire for kids has me concerned but I know I develop feelings and desires slower than others. I also lived life in extremes so anything in the middle feels off or numb. So right now just trying to get to the bottom of the fears and see the truth in them. These fears make me very sad and broken like something is wrong with me. I wish I didn’t feel this way or deal with this stuff and I wish I was different. I’m not content with the way I fear this and not wanting my own kids. Any advice would be very helpful. #pregnancy #birth #healthocd #rocd #newborns

Struggling currently. Anyone here have it and what did you find helpful to overcome?

Does anyone get POCD thoughts that come up when you see things that are flat out wrong and disturbing to you when you aren't looking for those things. You look for one thing but results give you another and it's very awful and it triggers you. I don't want anything to do with those things that come up but they show up regardless and it really sucks. Then I worry that I'll be in trouble for it even though I made no intent to look at those results when I wanted to look at something else specifically

I feel like im becoming more and more disgusting, shameless. I feel like I'm going back to the horrible things I used to do. What if OCD is the reason I'm a good person? And what if I'm not OCD anymore and I will become a horrible person like i used to? What if my partner is not important for me anymore? Or what if I always act "cute" and become an attention seeker like before and what if i start to become a disgusting love chaser? What if I become the same attention seeker, selfish, obscene, abusive, unfaithful, reckless, liar, pretender as I was before? What if i've never changed? I don't even react to OCD with bad feelings like I used to. It's like I like my thoughts. I feel like im proud to be evil and unfaithful and disgusting. I just want to feel disgusted towards to my thoughts. It's like I started doing the disgusting things I used to do again, enjoying it and normalizing it. I always feel like im pretending, acting a role to be different or be the center of attention. I feel like a narcissist. I feel like I don't respect other people as individuals. I feel like im manipulating everyone to convince them that im innocent... I still have thoughts that blame my partner for him being avoidant. I always want to accept and love him as he is. Without being disrespectful, expectant, unaccepting, unfair, ungrateful, unsympathetic... My mind tells me that I'm obsessive, that I'm exaggerating my partner. And my mind makes me feel like it's okay if I'm unfaithful to him, if I cheat on him, if I find someone "better" than him, and that it won't make me feel bad... I DON'T want to feel like that. Even if my partner is not the best like before, I want him to be the best *for me*. I want to be determined, devoted, extremely loyal to him, i want to love him. I want to keep choosing and doing all these things. I want to be a good person for people and especially for my partner. I feel like I've become the disgusting person I used to be. I want to remain a good person. People always badmouthed avoidant people and blamed my partner against me. And people always said "youre obsessed, you're exaggerating your partner" to me. Even though i did not. Is it wrong to love someone this much? I questioned. I don't want to blame people, but could people's comments be affecting me and my thoughts? Did I let someone else control me? I don't want to give up on my partner, be a bad person, a bad partner.

Anyone else with false memory / real event ever turn into a detective and start to guess details while looking back on old pictures to see if you’re correct about anything? If you have been correct about anything how did you cope? I’ve been correct about a radiator on a wall & I dunno if I’m being delusional here but it’s making me feel like my false memory is real even though I’m sure it’s not? I dunno if I’m just completely alone in this but I feel like it.

Is ocd always false? How do I deal with my coming thoughts "What if its real" then it would gave me an anxiety

Hi, is it possible to actually stop intrusive thoughts or do I need to shift my tactic to accept I can’t get rid of intrusive thoughts but concentrate on how I react to intrusive thoughts. If so that’s a game changer in my life

I feel like I don’t wanna be w my bf anymore😭 I know I love him and I know I’ve loved him so much in the past, but now it feels like I’d rather have a girl in his place. I felt so much like I wanted to tell him or break up when I was with him (which felt like ocd) but the thoughts I was having about women instead of him felt calm like I wanted it as if they were intuition :(

When I was 15/16, I would talk to random strangers online in chatrooms. I was really lonely, moved to a strange city, and the pandemic had started during this time too. I thought it was funny to just mess around with people. But then it got weird. I would talk to people, tell them my name. I trusted some of them. It’s so embarrassing. I look back and realize a lot of those people were genuinely weirdos and idk why I was so gullible but. It all plays into my OCD. I keep thinking what if I talked to those people because I’m like them/will become like them. Why was I so stupid? What if I really wasn’t gullible and I knew better even though I know that I genuinely was sheltered and dumb asf because I was 15/16 and knew nothing about life?

At my workplace, I have these so called “friends” or used to be “friends” that I have tried so hard to be friends with and be there for an all I’ve ever gotten in return is hurt, put down, ignored, left out, and talked down to. There’s a girl I work with and used to be friends with that acts like she’s better than everyone else and gets my other so called friends to believe her lies and she purposely tries to leave me out and makes me an outsider when I used to be there for her but she’s always been mean in return but she makes me out to be the bad guy or the problem. She has even said I’m a problem and that everyone agrees with her. I have quit from this place before but I came back because it was convenient since I’m in college and they work with my schedule. Management won’t do anything about it because of favoritism. I tried to warn my best friend about her and other people but she wouldn’t believe me and before I quit she turned against me just like everyone else. Then when I came back she acts like my best friend again because the girl that treated me like crap gave her the same treatment when I was gone and now the mean girl is I guess trying to get her not to be my friend anymore. I don’t know what to do. These people make me want to give up because I feel like my existence is the problem. That maybe if I left they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore since they shun me and treat me like I’m the worst person ever. It’s so mentally exhausting and it’s painful because I’m a very overly caring person and I used to be a people pleaser but now that I have kind of gotten more boundaries and protected myself, it got worse. Am I the problem? What is wrong with me? I honestly don’t even know what I ever did to these people. I have an attitude sometimes but it’s because of the way they have treated me and that’s honestly all they have ever said was my issue and I have apologized countless times for the things I’ve done wrong because I have held my self accountable but they haven’t. A couple years ago I liked a guy that started working there but then she started flirting with him when she knew I liked him and now they are dating so that tells you how that went. He was like my best friend and when I tried to warn him about her, he turned against me too. I don’t know what to do anymore. Any time I would speak out against her she would say I’m a problem and that I’m acting like a victim but all I’ve done was try to protect myself from how she’s treated me. I can’t make friends anymore because I’m afraid they are just going to do me like she did. I don’t know if I’m the problem but they make me feel so angry and I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know if this even makes any sense but if anyone relates or can help I appreciate it 💔

I’ve been suffering from non stop 24/7 dpdr for a year and a half now. I never really had OCD in a big way before I suffered some major panic attacks. Since then I’ve been a completely different person. I used to live a carefree life of traveling. Socializing. Experiencing life. After my panic attacks I became agoraphobic, couldn’t leave the house or work. My thoughts were like a washing machine over and over. I’ve done a lot of work to help overcome the fear of panic, but I’m still stuck in a 24/7 DPDR state- my thoughts never stop, I’m always searching for answers about my mental health, I have music stuck in my head from the time I wake up to the time I got to sleep, my mind is racing, attacking what I value, saying hopeless thoughts, anxiously worried about everything, I don’t do physical compulsions but I’m mentally checking myself all the time to see if I’m in DPDR still, or if things feel “weird” - I have a huge fear of going crazy and death. Although I’m not having panic attacks anymore, I’m still mentally anxious all the time. I feel like I cannot escape my thoughts, they torture me. I can’t feel any emotions, I’ve lost my sense of self, I can’t make new memories or be present - I’m constantly in my head. A lot of what kicked this off was years of trauma that was stored in my nervous system, once unleashed, I haven’t been able to recover. I want my life back. I’m tired of living in fear and exhaustion to the point where nothing brings me joy. Anxiety and ocd have taken my freedom from me, I feel like the thoughts rule every decision I make instead of being able to live freely, sometimes I don’t think it’s anxiety because I can’t feel anything physically, but these thoughts torture me- no one should have to live this way. What do I do? I’m taking medication but all it’s done is stop the physical symptoms, the thinking has not gotten better

Hi! I’m new here. I have OCD but nothing to the extent that my young daughter does. I’m struggling so bad to watch her go through this and see the distress and panic in her face when she can’t seem to stop the compulsions or quiet her head. I feel like so many different types of OCD might be easier to battle with ERP. She has many different types but the one that’s hitting her the hardest and I’m struggling to find ways to help her with is the fact that her brain is telling her that if she doesn’t do this and do that and touch this this many times etc etc etc then someone (usually me) is going to die. She won’t say this out loud either because she’s afraid of speaking it into existence. How do you do an exposure for something like that? It has to be so hard when you think someone you love might die because you don’t touch something a certain way. I’d love to find someone on here who has ever experienced the same thing. Does this type of OCD have a name?

Has anyone here switched from Sertraline to Fluvoxamine equivalent dosage? I got diagnosed with pure o in 2019, sertraline is the only medication besides buspirone and hydroxyzine combined with it that put my ocd in remission and the only medications i have ever tried. Over the years i have gained weight which would cause a small relapse in symptoms and cause my dosage to increase. I have maxed out my dosage of sertraline as of now and since September of 2023 experienced a pretty large relapse (coping a lot better this round due to being in therapy but still experiencing anxiety/ocd daily when before my condition was 99% in remission. seemed to correct its self each time i went up on the medication. i feel like my brain is noisier than usual most days (anxiety related chatter) I am terrified to switch medications, although i know there’s a chance that the fluvoxamine could help me get back to a remissive state eventually. I feel good on sertraline, i feel positive and happy, it doesn’t dull my personality and i have been lucky to not have any side effects at any dosage. I know that taking the leap and trying the new medication is probably best, but i am terrified or side effects and not being able to sleep. Or it exacerbating my ocd. My ocd had me to the point of dysfunctional within weeks of being diagnosed. The intrusive thoughts were so strong that i couldn’t even fill out my own paper work at the doctor’s office because i was so overwhelmed, i would pause long in sentences because intrusive thoughts would interrupt me. OCD caused the ripple effect for me and gave me lack of sleep, depersonalization, derealization and disassociation and intense anxiety because i was so terrified of my own thoughts and was truly scared of everything. I have came such a long way in recovery and have been able to manage this past exacerbation. But do feel like i could be better. I guess i would love some encouragement or to hear a similar story? I know all in all this is just fear getting in the way. I have also considered to accept where i am right now, because i am not dysfunctional, and am able to go to work and attend school, i am just finding that i am getting caught up in the thoughts and experiencing the anxiety more than usual.

So I've always felt so different like there's something terribly wrong with me. I've spent many years trying to figure out whats wrong. I've done research and I even went into a job centered around it all. My dad had OCD growing up but since my compulsions aren't...obvious? I never thought about OCD until recently. I've been diagnosed BPD and now most recently ADHD. I have always been diagnosed anxiety and depression since I was young. But im really starting to think its been OCD all along. I'm not sure my point in this post I just wanted to get this off my chest.

What OCD medication(s) do you take & what are your thoughts on it? I’ve taken Zoloft and Fluvoxamine in the past and think it’s time to get back on something. My only concern is that I am a female in her mid 20s and I would like to have children of my own within the next 10 years & I’m not sure how medications would affect that.

I get so confused with all this. OCD is the doubting disorder right. So a thought comes in. “Are you gay?” You’ve been seemingly straight your whole life and seemingly enjoyed it. It never came up before nor did it have to. You’re meant to be able to shrug it off as a random thought but your mind then goes… “are you sure?” Because it asked the question again, you start to feel a little uneasy. Anxious. Why would I be asking myself that? Then it goes “are you attracted to women?” Because you’re anxious, you aren’t really attracted to anything at the moment so your brain goes “see…are you sure you’re not gay?” Obviously more anxiety comes flooding in and doubt has consumed you to the point you don’t now what is up vs down. Is this normal for those with ocd? And - the fact that the brain throws at you thoughts/statements like “you know deep down you want it/like it”. Do these happen purely because of the anxiety your mind is under? In that, we just automatically assume the worse or our fear is or must be true?

Have to go to court tomorrow and face my harasser. I am terrified and it’s making my OCD go out of whack and is scaring me.