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the NOCD Community

I know I am not saved. I can't repent and know when judgementday comes I am doomed. I wish I never existed.

I’ve got hocd and I need help I don’t know who I am anymore I keep getting intrusive thoughts and they are not going away I don’t think I handle this anymore. I want to stay straight I don’t want to be gay . Any advice. My thoughts are confusing me I’m getting thoughts about boys and girls and I like boys but why am I getting thoughts about boys isn’t it supposed to be the opposite . I’m confused I don’t like girls

Hi friends! I have been really struggling with sleep problems lately because of my OCD. I either deal with nightmares related to my obsessions or unable to sleep with rumination. It seems like no matter what I try nothing helps. Has anyone else experienced this? Or have any suggestions to what has helped you? I appreciate you all 🙏🏼😊

I’ve had this problem for a few months I question if I actually believe myself, it could be something small like my fav color or if I really love someone. If I think I like something my brain automatically goes to “you only like it because you think people want you to like it” even if I’m saying that I like something in my head and no one would ever know, it’s just small things throughout my day like that; that have me questioning who I am and if I even know anything about myself. I don’t know if this is related to ocd and would like to know if anyone has experienced this.

Intoxicated I believe I done a horrific crime (r*pe) to a lady walking by when I was walking home on my own, evidence starting to come alight to me more and more like I had a two cuts in my knuckles & a scram on my chest, I found underwear in my laundry basket with a stain in but don’t know if that’s from that night 80% positive it was, I use to have OCD as a teen but thought it went but all the mix of alcohol I’m unsure what to do next however nothings came of the night, what shall I do next?

I've been becoming my worst self lately and my brain keeps telling me "leave, it's what is right and you know it. You're being unfair to your bf". My bf says that i am not being unfair but all this constant talk about whether we should break up or not started to annoy him. He says decision is up to you, this isn't about me. He says we could take a break but i don't know if a break will fix me. It's like deep down i know we have to break up but there is no issue for us break up. Like everything is normal. It's just me. I don't know how to stay apart from him but is it cuz i love him or i am scared to be lonely now. Leaving sounds hard. I don't want to but in my brain "i need to". It doesn't go away. One second i am sure we gotta break up and i decide that i am gonna do it but i decide to sit and wait it out then it passes. And next minute we are making plans for our next date. Then 1 hour passes and i am thinking about breaking up again. This doesn't feel like ROCD i dont know what it is. Or is it part of ROCD where i drive us to the end trying to get relief. I don't know what i want and need. Is it him? Do i wanna keep choosing him? If there is no "the one" and we pick someone and love them. How do i know if i wanna choose him like. There is so much sadness and confusion and pain. I wanna stop trying to decide about a break up. I feel so much pressure caused by me to decide. Nobody is going around trying to decide if they should break up with their partner 7/24. Im afraid i am the exception in ROCD. It started off as ROCD but now it's a no escape reality. Although there is no "no escape" situation. In my brain i feel like there is so much history and we're doomed and only way to solve it is to break up. But there is no issue?????

I used to be terrified of driving. I’d get a pit in my stomach telling me I would die or cause a terrible accident. It was very visual. Almost close to panic/or sometimes even panicking. And normally connected to my husband dying. With ERP, I learned to do it anyway and I learned to tap into the motivation to drive (see family, be independent). I live in a city where I normally take public transport but this week I was visiting a place where I had to drive. This week, I drove without my “safe person” in an unfamiliar place on huge highways and I was absolutely fine. I was bored, yes. I was annoyed at times, yes. But by the end of my trip here, I realized driving can actually even be pleasant. I absolutely prefer public transport for a whole host of reasons but I know I can drive even while feeling uncomfortable. The intrusive visual images and pit in the stomach feelings almost feel like old memories than present day intrusive thoughts. Is that the point of ERP? To get comfortable with these intrusions to the point that they don’t bother us? Don’t get me wrong, I have another trip coming up where I will be doing a lot of driving and ocd has latched onto that. But it’s less intense. I’m more comfortable with those feelings of anxiety. I can recognize that the images my brain gives me are just images, not reality. I can choose the narrative.

I wish there was an option for a real event ocd support group or meeting or perhaps even the option to get therapeutic help not only with the ocd aspect of the real event but also to help us with the actual real events themselves. For instance, a therapist that can assist us in understanding why we did what we did and to help us move forward while being aware of the ocd component involved to avoid making that aspect worse. I think that the fact that this subtype involves real events not just thoughts/feelings/sensations, creates an additional aspect that makes everyone with this subtype feel alienated. It isn’t just a thought or a feeling or a sensation for us. We did things we probably shouldn’t and we need help addressing that aspect. This is not to imply that this subtype is worse than any others because every subtype is horrible…ocd is horrible. We just need help with this extra aspect. I would give anything to get this kind of help. I am struggling so much with the bad choices I made in the past. I wish there was someone I could speak to that could understand that more needs to be addressed than just the ocd in this subtype for me.

My cat passed and I have fixated on a detail that I cannot shake. I made pawprints of his before he passed, and there was a mark on all the left paw Prints that I didn't recognize. Like an extra finger or thumb, and told myself "oh I have to check what that is before he passes away!" In the hectic nature of his last few days, I forgot to check. His body is still at the vets, and I have fixated on the idea of asking the vet to check what that mark was on his paw before he is cremated. I cannot get it out of my head. It is all I'm thinking about in regards to his death. I do not know if this will give me closure, I don't know if knowing what it is but not seeing it will help, but I am stuck on the idea that "this is something I will never know about my best friend" and that I will regret not asking about it forever. I logically know it's just his thumb, as some cats have thumbs, but it isn't on any of his right pawprints. I need help figuring out what my best step moving forward is.

So, I’m hardly ever interested in getting to know someone. But when I am, oh my god, my brain doesn’t stop . I come up with every scenario that could potentially occur and I only know their first name and what they look like. I hate myself for it so much. Right now, I have a lil crush on this guy, but I’m obsessing over whether or not he’s gay and I’m not picking up on the social cues because that would be embarrassing. Or what if he’s not and I’m a horrible person for assuming that. I shared this with my sister and she told me to smoke a joint 😭 I’m embarrassed af and I wish my brain would just stop. It’s moments like these that I try to just forget even happened.

Hi all, I’ve hit a low point in my life and I have no backup. Let me explain: Last December 2022, I graduated with my stupid PhD. Since then, I lost all my friends and family support system (except mom). Mom is the only one who listens to me, and I feel bad because I think it’s just the whole unconditional love thing. My friends cut ties with me because I wasn’t actively pursuing a machine learning career. Because ultimately, my PhD research proved to be completely useless and I did not focus on machine learning. It’s just not interesting to me, no matter how hard I try to make it work. Instead, I’m teaching which I like but not earning much money. My “friends” didn’t like it and instead asked me if I expected to do teaching my whole life like it was a bad thing. They were also critical of me on previous occasions, saying I’ll never find a girlfriend because I’m fat and overweight and short/ugly. And whenever we hung out, it was always doing the things that they wanted. So ultimately, I cut ties with them. They also did not attend my graduation or wished me a happy birthday… My brother also cut off ties with me, because I had a moment of anger when he started suggesting that I hit the gym and go on the whole self-improvement thing, which embraces stoicism. That I guess was the last straw that broke the camels back for him, so he completely cut me off. Then started getting angry and throwing things. And all because I had an OCD attack where I just couldn’t process all the information. I was quick to get triggered and raged at him, without thinking it through. Now I completely regret this, as I see how terrible I am. My dad also seems to be distancing himself from me, spending more time with my brother. Well, there you have it. Only mom talks to me, and she’s all I have now. And even she gets tired of my issues. She said that I should refrain from trying to make new friends, because I’m such an emotional wreck right now. But at the same time, I just see it nearly impossible to get through this time without good support. It’s me vs the entire world… And yes, I have a fair share of narcissistic tendencies, I am self aware of this but for some that same reason, I struggle to find a good therapist to treat NPD.

(I want this to be the first in a series of post that I’ll be making of my experiences. This will be the first time I truly share the horrors of my life. This may be difficult to read for some people but if your interested follow me and the series. Maybe we’ll build a little community out of this. Anyway thanks for reading) I have a very confusing mental relationship with my family. What I mean by that is idk how I truly feel about my family and I don’t understand the random feelings I get in difficult family situations. There’s a lot to unpack. There’s years of abuse and manipulation but I’ll just be converting a portion here. I also don’t mean that in the cliche social media I want attention way either I seriously mean abuse and manipulation in my family, it’s been like that since I was very young. Currently my mom’s kicking my dad out of the house. She just bought a new home and there’s no room for him, they’re separated and don’t sleep together. In our current living situation he sleeps on the couch but in our new one mom won’t allow that. My dad is actually my step-dad, he’s 6’9 400+ big dude, I never knew my biological father the man’s an enigma, but my step-dad appeared when I was 5 and he lacked a lot of things that make a dad a good dad. He had no empathy nor compassion, was extremely stern and unforgiving, a very do as I say not as I do kinda guy. He was also an extreme disciplinary and used very aggressive yelling and threats of not just whooping but to actually beat us like really mess us up. I say us because once my younger sister were born he did it to them too. He did this to attempt to keep us in line. Wither our actions actually warrant it or not. My dad doesn’t drink either he’s just the way he is. It’s been 16 years since his arrival in my life and I’ve suffered severe psychological affects from him. Yet after all he’s done which includes cheating on my mom, he’s getting put out and I can’t hello but get this deep inner feeling of heavy sadness. I don’t speak much to him and I keep my head down around him I never look at him. We have passing conversations and I perk up and act like everything’s fine In attempt to not raise suspicion on my feelings. I just walk around silent, but the silence is like screaming for me. I can’t even imagine how this is effecting my little sisters if it’s ripping me up like this. My older sister finds it funny and tells me what he and mom talk about or what she overhears. She recently told me three things she heard my dad say while talking with my mom. Each thing was from different conversations in different days and I think that fact made it worse for me for some reason. First she told me he said in regards to mom getting a new home he asked “Is there anything for me to sign?” My mom replied simply “No” he then said “I wish there was something for me to sign” That may not sound like much but I can just imagine how much that hurt him cuz I know it would hurt me. Secondly I was told he said “You make it sound like I can’t stay with y’all” At that point I realized he may get kicked out and that made me feel like I was sinking I instinctively disassociated and sunk within myself. I couldn’t make sense of what I was feeling. Lastly I actually heard this one from my mom and sister. My sister told me my mom sent him a list of apartments he should get cuz there’s no room for him in the new house. Then later that day my little sister asked my mom “where’s dad going to sleep?” My mom hung her head and just said “idk”. This man the guy who growing up I promised to never be like and if I became a father I’d be the dad I always wanted. The man I’d sit and cry, hiding from and learning exactly what his footsteps sound like to avoid him, I’m feeling sad for? It’s really only partial sadness but that sadness is heavy. Not seeing him around knowing he’s just out there somewhere maybe in the streets or living in a bad neighborhood idk. This whole thing it’s effecting me more than I thought it would and I’m just so uncomfortable. Idk what a home feels like so I’ve already never felt like I was home, I was just in a familiar place but things feel foreign now. I feel guilty in a way for everything. Maybe if I wasn’t so soft and affected by his actions maybe he’d still be part of the family. My OCD really loves to feel on that subject and it makes dealing with all this way harder. Thanks for reading pt 1 of me opening up. Ik it’s long but if you enjoy some reading please follow along.

How am I to know whether I have ROCD or if I should leave. I keep having critical and negative thoughts about everything my partner says and does and the way he looks and acts and his personality: literally everything! But I know he’s not the problem, I am, because he’s not toxic or bad. So how do I know if it’s ROCD or if Im trying to force myself to like the wrong person? I’m so lost and confused. He’s such an amazing person and I don’t want to hurt him. I just wish these thoughts would go away and I could see him through rose coloured glasses. But I’m feeling so discouraged and getting tired of trying.

Does anybody else start to remember a conversation differently than how it happened? Like suddenly you start questioning whether or not you said something bad/offensive even though you know you wouldn’t but it feels so REAL :/

Is my quote on quote regular OCD turning into relationship OCD? How do you know? Is it me being extra pre cautious or overthinking? Is it past pain from past relationships creeping back out trying to ruin my current one? Is it my OCD causing some worry and paranoia regarding my relationship with my significant other now? How do I know? I know my significant other would never hurt me in that way yet lately I’m questioning everything in our relationship? Need some advice please…. 🥹hate this and don’t want to ruin my relationship. 😖

Let me preface this by saying all three of my cats are alive, well, and healthy. Does anyone else get really distressed by their pets’ mortality? Like I cannot escape thoughts about their health, wondering if they’re happy, if I’m a good caregiver, worrying about when they’ll pass and how hard that will be and that I’ll inevitably feel like I’ve failed them. I feel intensely guilty often for things like leaving for work or not allowing them in the bedroom when I sleep (bc they keep me up) even though logically I know I shouldn’t feel bad. And I have a lot of guilt about not being able to take a past cat while leaving an abusive situation three years ago (she is definitely okay, she’s well cared for, I checked with an old mutual friend). I just love them so much, I want them to be okay.

I've been going back and forth about this for a while. I want to journal but I'm worried that journaling will only help to perpetuate obsessions. Alternatively, I feel like sometimes giving myself an outlet to be obsessive that's entirely self-contained might be a good idea. I find myself to be a verbal processor and simply getting ideas out of my head sometimes helps me to move on. The issue is that I will obsessively confide in another person and it hurts my relationship with them and journaling feels like a safer place to do it. Again though, I feel like the purpose of ERP is to be able to have those thoughts and simply not react to them and journaling would defeat that purpose. Do you guys have any thoughts on the matter?

back story: i have been having thoughts about my ex crush for like about two years now, off and on. I know I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him. But my ex crushes name always pops into my head every fucking day, my brain always ties back a connection with anything I fucking do, and I see his name everywhere which always makes me think it’s a “sign” I get sad bc my mind will always replay memories with the ex crush rather than my boyfriend and I get upset with it. I’m at my wits end and I feel incredibly guilty bc I don’t want this person, nor do I want him in my head. Has anyone gone through this where they had intrusive thoughts about a person for no reason?

Today went, actually really good??!! Didn't have any attacks at all and I was so sure I would because thinking about the trip had been making me anxious for days. I'm really glad I didn't give in and sit this out. We went to the mall and got some food, which another thing my OCD avoids. Though, it's kind of weird but a small part of me was kind of disappointed that nothing did happened, I was so ready to take on the challenge but since I didn't have an attack I feel like there was no growth. There were a couple of times felt a small amount of anxiety creeping up on me but it was for a brief moment. Someone on here had told me that you have to train yourself into wanting the panic attack to happen and be in the moment, so I guess that's what my brain was so stuck on. Of course, I still had a wonderful time and I'm excited to continue on with my journey. It's definitely frightening, but worth it. I see it as a journey to start relying and trusting myself!

Someone please give me some advice or at least tell me that this has happened to other people. As of a couple weeks ago i can hardly do anything without feeling lightheaded or like I’m in outer space and i don’t even know my whereabouts or my name. I’ve been doing my best to hide it from People I’m around because i don’t want to seem like anything is wrong. Although i might come off fidgety which will make it seem like something is wrong anyway. And i know I’ve felt this way before but i don’t know how i got through it, i think it just disappeared because of a new fear which was way worse( ex. Brain tumor, cancer, etc). And so the lightheadedness just went away. But now it’s back and i feel like it’s the first time I’m dealing with it which is so scary. And when i tell you i can hardly do anything i mean like anything. The only time I’m truly comfortable is at home sitting on my couch. Like i can’t go to work without panicking. I can’t do my weekly baseball game without panicking and feeling on the verge of passing out. And now i have a game tomorrow and I’m literally picturing myself passing out and now i don’t want to go 😭 and I’ve never passed out for no reason before so now I’m just nervous that one of these times it’s actually going to happen. I can just picture my eyes rolling in the back of my head and being in an ambulance 😭 please tell me other people have felt this way