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Why does suicidal ocd feel like actual suicidal thoughts 😟

So am I the only one or am I going insane?????? My daughter was standing beside me and I was putting a band-aid on her finger and my brain said I can't wait to kill you.......?🥺😨😰😰 what's happening to me.? I've got to be the only person? Like can't be OCD..

i have been having a really depressive couple of months and i am having an especially bad day. I have never really had suicidal thoughts until this spring, but they keep spreading like wildfire. I would never do such a thing or even plan out taking my own life. I am not one to give up that easy and there are so many things I love about my life and so many people who need me. There are so many things I have yet to live and I am excited to see!!! I think it may just be a really intense intrusive thought. It pops into my head really graphically and it immediately upsets me to a point of panic attack, because for just one moment it feels like the only path. Today it has been happening like every thirty minutes since i’ve been awake and I really just want it to stop. Is this normal for others?? How do you get it to calm down. [I think I am planning on calling a hotline tonight, i’m not going to tell them i’m actually thinking about it(because i’m not). I just really need someone to talk to. I just wish it could be someone who knows me but I don’t want to worry them. No one in my life really understands my OCD very well, they kind of just think it’s basic level cleanliness and obsessive thought OCD.]

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

everytime i see a kid or hear any words related to children i get immediate intrusive thoughts and terrible groinal responses :( the sensations feel so real. i have no anxiety anymore its been like this for a while i use to have terrible anxiety with my ocd but now its just shame and worry:( and sadness/dread. i hate this. my brain literally tells me im a p, and i believe it, it sounds and feels so real :(

Basically for my junior prom, I told my friends multiple times that I was going with them. But after recently suggesting that we should all carpool to prom together, I just found out recently that they all planned on carpooling together weeks prior but forgot to invite me. And they couldn’t invite me anymore because there weren’t enough seats in the car to fit me there. It just feels weird and stingy because in the past I’ve dealt with people leaving me out of big events like this and it’s made me have very low-self esteem in myself and I’ve developed a really complicated form of attachment. It’s gotten to a point where I’m too scared to get close to people and it’s hard to socialize properly. One of my friends told me that they made the plan to carpool official, and so I was like: “y’all should’ve told me cause I would’ve said yes” and my friend agreed with me and looked slightly guilty. And later on during the day I mentioned the carpool thing to my other friends (who are carpooling with the friend that was guilty) and they said that they didn’t make it official yet and were confused. But just a few minutes ago, I mentioned the carpool thing as if it was casual and my the same friends including that one friend that looked guilty all said that they made it official that they were going to carpool with each other, including another friend of theirs that I’m not very close with. They said they didn’t want to make it feel awkward for me but I would’ve been okay with it because I got along with their other friend so I didn’t see a problem with it. But then again, they didn’t have enough seats to fit me in so I guess it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. But they mentioned that they planned it a few weeks prior and it kinda hurt my feelings because I made it very clear to them that I was going to go to prom with them—hoping that they would remember that I was going, and I they forgot to include me in their plans :/ I don’t know what to say about this, and I don’t know if I should be upset or not, but I just feel hurt because I’ve told them in the past that I didn’t want to feel excluded by them. And I do feel excluded in this scenario and I don’t want to miss out on junior prom just because my friends forgot to invite me. But since then I’ve been trying to find some reassurance from them along the way to make sure that they don’t hate me or aren’t talking shit about me behind my back and such.

Really struggling with the feeling that I might actually be in denial and that I’m just lying to myself and my partner and I’m just using ROCD as an excuse. I’m really triggered by the concept of attachment vs love especially considering I fit more into the attachment category rather than love (what I enjoy the most is not making him happy but how he makes me feel: supported, loved, attractive, comfortable, safe, my inner child comes out in like a child with him). I don’t fit into the: I want you to be happy. I don’t want him to be sad but just like I don’t wish anyone to be sad. I’m not excited when he is excited or happy when he is happy I just feel neutral.

Eighteen months since I told my therapist "I had nothing more to lose" on my first session. Now I'm not 100% free with my main theme (most other themes are gone tho) but I have realized ocd might be my life long partner and I can never learn enough of how to co-thrive with it. Since recently started to view OCD as a gift rather than a curse. Two things mostly shaped my current view of ocd: 1. Last year I did an extensive literature research on ocd and came to the conclusion that OCD is a side effect of a neurodivergence. Then, I realized most of my gifts and the greatest things I have accomplished and enjoyed in life have been due to this, my erratic feature. 2.Last month I experienced an emotionaly intense event (best friend attempted suicide) which made I heavily retrospected my life. I always view myself as a very strong-willed person, but this time I even greatly exceeded what I considered my limit. I usually view myself as a pessimist. However, I realized that was my OCD-ness/neurodivergence made me always faith in the slightest hope even in my darkest days, made me throughout all of these. So, my life just reached its own harmony. Last year I finished lectures of Positive Psychology by Tal Ben-Shahar and adopted lots of attitude from it. I decided to practice on never seeing myself as a victim (but even as a benefactor). As a geneticist, I hold the strong belief that diversity is what make a population survive and thrive numerous environmental changes. Instead of seeing myself as a unsightly miserable disfunctional patient (what I had been doing for 10 years), I started to consider myself as one of the special individuals chosen by evolution for a greater purpose. I think more people can benefit from adopting a similar thought. In the place I'm from, 10 years ago when my main theme onset, being discovered for having mental condition almost equaled instant social death. With the fear of being seen as a permenently dysfunctional person, I hide my 24/7 theme with tremendous efforts, and the fear llingers on and on. Today we have been much improved in understanding mental diversity but people are still bothered by shame and guilty, this is just another structural problem waiting for us to solve. Self-understanding and acceptance is the initial step.

I have a major fear that I will be bit by a bat and not know and end up dying of rabies. So much so that I google where the cases are which doesn’t help at all because obviously there are cases. I am also worried of rabies from roadkill. I worry that whenever I am outside at night anywhere I will be bit and not know. Anyone else have this super specific ocd obsession ?

How do you stop constantly checking/scanning your brain for thoughts! It’s my biggest compulsion and it’s getting me so down because I do not want these thoughts but I can’t seems to physically stop checking they are there which then greats even more!!!

I have recently discovered compulsory heterosexualaty, as a straight female with SO-OCD - it has super triggered me Its sent it spiralling again into what if thats me - thats me im definitely gay - im going to have to break up with my boyfriend (im not) Its horrible, anyone any advice Please help!!!!

I love my boyfriend with my whole heart. I would never, ever do anything to hurt him and vice versa. our relationship is so incredibly healthy and amazing, I just want to be with him forever, and we will be. so why am I so afraid of cheating????? I can’t even look at pictures of other guys because I feel like I am cheating just doing that. If I think about a male person I immediately feel so guilty and I feel like I have to apologise to my bf. I spoke to him about it and he is so supportive and lovely with me, so patient and understanding, still my ocd tells me I am going to cheat on him, that I don’t love him and I am just falking this whole relationship. I just love him so so much and I don’t want him to be hurt or sad ever. this is making me feel so awful and guilty.

I hate that ocd not only latches onto people/things you love. But I hate how easily triggered it can make you and compare yourself to actual scary/bad people. TikTok has been such a big trigger of mine because I keep seeing crime cases, people harming people/younger ppl, and my most recent trigger someone potentially harming their pet. When I see all these things my brain tries to make connections to my past actions/things I said/ etc to try to find connections to how I’m also bad like them and I should just end it all before I truly end up evil. It scares me I don’t want to be an evil person or bad or worse things. I’m not like those people but my brain says other wise. How do I combat this? I can’t stop thinking about my latest trigger because I feel like it’s an old theme resurfacing and I’m so scared-please advice? Explanations? Why does this disorder exist?

Anyone have success stories? I’ve realized that I’ve let my ROCD win and have been giving in to compulsions and ruminating through my past three relationships and this one feels like the hardest theme so far.

I’m so worried about being a literal psychopath. I keep reading that psychopaths start out hurting animals. I made some mistakes a kid. I was mean to my animals and for some reason it didn’t register that they felt pain. I never killed any animal I was just rough. I haven’t done anything since i was a kid. I get very emotional anytime I see an animal in pain and suffering. I even consider veterinary school after I graduated high school but chose not to pursue that because I have such strong emotions towards suffering animals/euthanasia. I could never see myself taking an animals life even if it was for the better. I currently live surrounded by animals and see them more as family than pets. They are my literal babies. I’m worried because I at times looked back to the things I did and wish I never did it but it’s never stuck so much with me until recently. It’s all I think about and I literally wanna punch myself and wish someone would’ve just beat me when I did that stuff. I’m worried it means I’m a psycho just waiting to break. I’ve been having harm ocd type stuff and have been ruminating and it’s all I think about is being a psycho. I feel like everything has been a lie since my childhood. I’m questioning my own emotions and everything and now I feel numb. I don’t wanna hurt anyone or anything but I constantly feel like a psycho and it feels so real. I always enjoyed watching true crime stuff with my bf and now that I know about all this I’m freaking tf out. Everything feels so real like it’s already happened or is gonna happen if I try to forget about it.

Does anyone else have experience of being on hard psychotic drugs then getting completely clean? How much better did you get? I’m starting to find a stable place abd I wondered if it was just wishful thinking goggles.

The past couple months, Harm OCD has been an absolute pain. Constantly plaguing me "what ifs" and "did that mean xyz". Specifically what gets me is driving. Either near motorcycles, semis, curves on roads, and the worst is when there's a pedestrian walking alongside the road that doesn't have a sidewalk. My fear is that my body will just react without me wanting it to. So each time I am driving and I see there's a pedestrian, I tense up and it's the worst few seconds of my life. It's a field day for the OCD flooding me with what ifs. The wheel can move for whatever reason but I've learned recently what my OCD does is gets me when thought-action-fusion. Thought-action-fusion is taking two unrelated thoughts, feelings, behaviors, whatever and fusing them together to trick you into believing it is true. It can also work as Action-Thought-Fusion, which is what my OCD does with driving. I've been trying to work an exposure and use my tools but still cannot seek to overcome this. I've said it before and that is I can't try and place a time stamp on when I should be "better". In the end, it just makes it harder on ourselves when we do that. But it's hard sometimes, believe me lol. I get mad at myself because I have an arsenal of tools to use and I'm aware most times of rumination and still fall into OCD's trap. Today, I was driving my brother and I to the gym as we do every Monday. I go along this curve, get bothered but use my tools to get through it. I'm pumped and proud for doing that. I guess I spoke too soon because not long after, I approached this narrow two lane road with steady traffic flow. Usually not an issue but there was a pedestrian walking on the road with no sidewalk. My worst nightmare 🤦🏻‍♂️. I can't really move over much as there was oncoming traffic and I should've slowed down more cause I heard the pedestrian yell and throw their hands up. I thought they were a little disorderly but my OCD couldn't care less. I was distressed and mad that one moment I was confident and the next, I was cornered by rumination. I kept thinking, "why couldn't I just win one time?". I looked at my tools, realized I needed to "get off the treadmill" of rumination and enjoy my workout. But it was hard. I couldn't go back and redo the scenario. I was stuck with just living with it. I felt my day was "stained". Mentally, I was tired and wasn't feeling energetic. But after dropping my brother off at home and got back to my apartment, I went to play my game. Gaming is a hobby of mine, so it's normal for me to get on the game most times..actually any time I'm free lol. What I didn't expect is to end of laughing to the point of sounding like a tea kettle with a buddy of mine. I didn't intentionally try and distract myself. I just went to play the game like I normally would and ended up having a great time. I know this post is long, but this is my entire point I want to make. Our days are not stained and ruined just because we are attacked with OCD. We can still enjoy our day despite being tripped up by the OCD. To me, that is the true essence of recovery. Continuing on with our day even though we're faced with OCD. I won't lie and say the stumble isn't completely gone from my mind. When I got off the game and went to pray, it came back. I feel my OCD being the typical pest it is and saying "just because you hand a good day doesn't erase what happened..you can't get away from it." To be transparent, I struggle with that. Despite moving forward with my day and even enjoying the day after struggling with OCD, I still discredit myself and the victory of enjoying the day. I pray all the time that I can regain my confidence when passing pedestrians walking along the road. Working with my therapist, I know it's a fear for everyone. So I'm not praying to not be bothered by that. Just praying I can do why my therapist said and "just drive". Meaning the same as the "getting off the treadmill" metaphor. Which I forgot to explain a little about that, but that simply is like you're on this treadmill, rumination being the treadmill here, and you are told to get off the treadmill and you then ask, "but what do I do now?" and you are told ANYTHING but getting back on the treadmill. I am not perfect and that's okay. Some days are much harder than others. To be honest, some days I wish I could just hide from the world of triggers. But I can't and don't want to let OCD have that power over me. So, if you're reading this. Let's rest up. Each day is a new day. There is no time stamp on when we should be "free" of OCD. All we can do is live life one day at a time, enjoying one moment at time. I share this because I received an "OCD Conqueror" badge but that doesn't mean I don't face hardships. I share this also as a reminder to not be so hard on myself. To remind myself that OCD will always try and block out our "sun" so that we can't celebrate our victories. Please know that you are not alone in this. I'm here to say that we can still enjoy our lives with OCD. We just have to keep working and remaining positive. Love as always. 💚

Okay, so, friends I need some support, or erp direction. I keep looking for reassurance and I keep inwardly catastrophically thinking. ocd picks one thing, then latches onto another thing, and man I’m annoyed with it. So as you guys know me and my husband recently eloped this weekend due to him enlisting in the navy. We still plan to have a large wedding at some point once we know about his deployment schedule etc. I’m currently obsessing over my husbands bachelor night. I didn’t plan anything because we talked about how we were just gonna do our own thing with our friends for our big wedding in a year and a half. But his bestfriend took him fishing all day and then ended up telling him he wanted to take him out for his bachelor party and do what my husband did for him when he got married (go to a strip club). - ( i didn’t care when he went this time because it wasn’t my husband getting any dances from strippers. ) So ofcourse he talked to me about it first, he wouldn’t have gone if I said no absolutely not, and I said it was fine. I didn’t want to start off our marriage being the wife that doesn’t let him go to his own bachelor party because of my own insecurities. BOYYYYY I WISH I JUST TOLD HIM NO. I’m currently obsessing over every little detail. It’s all I can think about. The minute I think I’m passed it I get pangs of thoughts again and again. He told me what happened so I know all of the details, but mannnn. So I looked up the place while they were on the way there, and I found the clubs Instagram and got VISUALS. (Mind you I’ve never been to a strip club so my brain is running wild. I’m 26 and I’ve never been to a club or an EDM show or a rave or anything) When I seen all of that all I could do was cry, and I didn’t want to ruin his night so I just stopped texting him when he was going, maybe if I went out and did something I’d be better ? Idk. Hes the sweetest guy, and he is HUMAN. He is a man and bachelor parties are just things that people do when they get married, I know. AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS OKAY. But I’m still obsessing over it. All he did was have a few drinks, got a dance from some stripper and he said it wasn’t even that great, the place was lame and they left pretty quickly. I believe him and I trust him, I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t believe him or didn’t trust him. I know without a shadow of a doubt he would NEVER purposely hurt me. This is the one person I believe would never hurt me. Idk why I can’t stop obsessing. Maybe because I have rocd. I’ve put him in like this bubble of perfection where I forget he is human. My current fear is that I’ll never be able to get over this and we’ll grow to resent each other. It wasn’t even a huge deal but I can’t stop bringing it up and asking him about it or giving him crap (jokingly) about it. I wanna stop thinking about it. I don’t wanna obsess over it anymore. Now I know yeah I can’t stand the thought of it, going forward he won’t do it ever again. But AHHHH. I’m so afraid about what this will do to our marriage. I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him or push him away. I’m like spiraling over a stupid bachelor party. I think I need to do some ERP.

My psychiatrist hasn’t officially diagnosed me yet, but mentioned that I could have OCD (suicidal OCD). The more I look into it, the more I relate to Relationship OCD. As I look back at my old journal, I feel like I can totally see the possibility of me having relationship OCD. I’m curious if these count as obsessions: 1. Fear that the relationship was going to end (it did) 2. Fear that I was going to say or do something to make him stop loving me 3. Fear I made him an idol in my life (Scrupulosity OCD) The relationship caused me so much distress. I could not stop worrying about the relationship all the time and couldn’t think about schoolwork or anything else. Do these count as compulsions: 1. Constantly having conversations with him & others about the relationship 2. Constantly praying & journaling about the relationship I meet with a psychiatrist tomorrow for an ADHD assessment but I’m so interested in learning about all this stuff & figuring it out… which I read could be a compulsion. Would appreciate any comments!

I feel really stupud righting this right now. I can't tell you how many times I've written something and then back spacr everything I wrote. But I guess this is my way of trying to i dont know, better myself. I read everybodys stories and I feel for each and every one of you. What you all go through, is something nobody should have to do. But I know we can't all share our complete thoughts, becausr idk about you guys. But I'm ashamed and scared. I'm scared that my thoughts will make me dangerous or violent. I often compare myself to Jeffrey Dahmer because of what I think. And it's exhausting, but no matter who tells me their story or who shares somethung similar it doesnt feel right. Nothing really feels right to me, and not in a perfect order type of way. More in a my organs are in the wrong spots, my skin feels unevenly placed on my body, and I just want to rip everything off of me. I won't go into details of course, I don't want to trigger anybody on here. But having ocd, or maybe even getting diagnosed or helping yourself through medicine and therapy just seems so pointless to me. When I look in the mirror or imagine myself I'm nothing, I'm just a sack of flesh and everything I think and feel is a chemical reaction. It's alive but not real, I'm alive, but I'm not real. When I look around and I feel my skin, there is no possibly way I can be real, there is no way my life is real. I feel crazy because I constantly think I'm crazy, and the really sad thing is I want to get worse. I don't want ti get better. But at the same time I really really do, and maybe thats why i've never healed or "gotten better" is because something deep inside my head didn't want to and it never did. I am sorry for this being a long rant/vent, I don't know what I wanted this to be, but i'm typing so here we are if your still reading this. But have a good night you know, and thanks for reading this.