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How should i manage this automatic reassurance behaviour??? Pls someone help me Plsssssssss This automatic reassurance behaviour failing my hard work😔

*not really writing this for advice or anything just venting and seeing who can relate* Hi everyone. I am someone who has both borderline personality and ocd. As you can imagine these things do not really interact super well with each other. I have been really self aware when it comes to my bpd for the last few years, which is so important. self awareness is so key to healing and living with bpd. Especially when it comes to splitting in my relationship/towards my long time partner. I have suffered from ocd since I was young, my earliest intrusive thought being in elementary school. It didn’t get bad though until high school, when I had an intrusive thought towards my nephew at the time and proceeded to spiral about it for 8 years. Now I know that was ocd, and I am not a bad person. Just providing this for context. Currently, I don’t struggle from pocd anymore and I am so glad because that (in my experience) was the worst subtype I dealt with. Now I have awful sexuality ocd and rocd, along with borderline! I am bisexual, but my attraction towards men is small and particular. I am just picky due to severe sexual trauma and life trauma in general with men, and I think a lot of people can understand that. However I have been with my partner (a man) for the last few years and he is unlike any man I’ve met before. I feel so safe around him. I came out as trans masc to him when he’s only been with woman before and he was so extremely supportive, and has been continuously supportive since. I have never had a bad day around this man. We own a car together, live alone together, have a fur baby, it’s so great! I am very happy, but ROCD is so whack and hits at the worst times. Sexuality ocd has been bothering me too as I am someone who consumes a lot of queer content. Sometimes if it’s lesbian-specific content my brain goes “if you enjoy this more than anything else you don’t love ur bf!!” Like what? (I have watched the movie Bottoms like 5 times, iykyk) Obviously these things aren’t linked, but ocd tells me they are. For context I was a lesbian for basically my entire teenage years up until 18 when I met the only other guy I’ve been romantically involved with besides my bf, so sexuality has always been iffy for me. Now for the ROCD, splitting whenever I’m upset towards my bf over minor things has been mostly manageable, but my sexuality ocd turned into rocd and it’s been rough lately. When I’m upset I question how much I value him / our relationship, I question if I love him, “would a woman do this to me?” (yes I’ve been in abusive relationships with woman lol), etc and it’s so awful. I am able to identify that it’s ocd though. Especially when I go “what if this isn’t ocd and I actually feel this way?” ITS OCD. My therapist always reminds me that ocd attacks what I care about the most, and that if I didn’t care about him I wouldn’t feel this way. She’s right and that is key to getting me to calm down when my anxiety really spikes because of ocd. It’s just hard. I think if I was living with just ocd it would be a little easier. Not that ocd is easy at all, but never knowing how to gauge my anger/emotions as someone with borderline is so hard. After it’s over I can realize what went wrong, and I can be self aware, but in the moment it can be so hard. I love my boyfriend, he is someone i If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be bothered. I am okay with the uncertainty of intrusive thoughts, I know that’s the common goal of erp/therapy for ocd, I just struggle with living this way. It feels so unfair to myself and my partner, but it comes and goes in waves for me. Hopefully this big wave will be over soon. Let me know if you relate in the comments. 🫶🏻

Since conquering OCD my life has been so much fuller. We are four months into 2024 and this is the first year i’ve gone this long without being suicidal. I love my life and I don’t continuously wish I was someone else.

My fiancé and I are getting married in just 42 days and my ROCD hasn’t spiked this hard in a long time. So many triggers, so much stress around planning makes it difficult not to fall into back on compulsions. I’m trying hard not to confess exact thoughts here nor am I looking for any reassurance. Just needed somewhere to put down that this is damn hard!!

Big trigger warning in advance, I’m using this as a moment to just write my fears and hopefully help others find something they can relate. Please no reassurance. If you feel up to it, please feel free to write your fears. I’m not really sure how to start this So I’ll just dive into it. I don’t really have OCD I’m using SO OCD as an excuse to not accept my newly discovered sexuality I’m a late bloomer I have internalized homophobia I don’t love my wife as much as I used to (this one is getting me the most so far) The homosexual urges and thoughts I feel are real and wanted I get anxious seeing dudes out in public because I’m attracted to them If I just shout that I’m gay right now it’s because it’s true I’ve been in denial these past 7 years and really discovered my true sexuality back when I was 24 I’m not anxious and engaging in compulsions as much now because I actually am gay and am starting to accept it I can’t stop looking at dudes out in public because I like it The sadness I feel writing this isn’t because I don’t like these thoughts, it’s just me having to accept that I’m someone new now and have to leave my life as I know it Me rejecting my homosexual thoughts is me rejecting who I truly am and that is wrong I’m going to have to resist my homosexual thoughts, everyday, for the rest of my life, and that I just need to accept I’m gay I’ve always been attracted to dudes and have just repressed it All the times I look back at seeing that it was OCD is just me altering the memory to fit my new coping mechanism I’m just afraid to accept I’m gay and I’m the only one holding me back Everyone else who says they have SO OCD is also in denial But the biggest one for me: I have been a puppet for my OCD for so long and I will still be his puppet going forward There’s more too, but as I was doing this and my distress starting going down, my OCD likes to forget my fears because he does not like me acknowledging them. These past few days have been hard, especially with the lack of compulsions and anxiety but the thoughts still there, especially so seeing dudes out in public. But I have gotten through this before, as much as he wants me thinking I hadn’t and have been in denial, and I will again and truly feel like I almost am. It’s scary right now accepting these thoughts that cause me distress, and being confused whether I like them or not, whether I’m still attracted to my wife, etc. but I can remember a time when these thoughts didn’t plague me as much, and know the thoughts that I’ve had pop up during the years wasn’t me but him. This will always be a battle but he can only win if I let him.

i know compulsions are not helpful on the long run. but they can help to give certainty and a bit of peace for the moment. i usually imagine scenarios and check how i feel about them. has anyone experienced that sometimes this does not make you feel certain and safe, but somehow confirms what ocd is telling you, e.g. after imagining a scenario it feels like you could actually want it? so compulsions sometimes don’t even help on the short term and i feel the need to ruminate more and more to come to the solution i want

I saw a video that said “he’s not playing hard to get, you’re playing hard to get rid of” and now I’m sat here thinking I’m being a burden to a guy and how I’ve been wanting to leave for weeks now but need the closure to make that step, and how im probably pissing him off and he probably hates me and I’ve ruined any chance of “right perosn wrong time” happening and how we’ll never ever be together ever again is my fault and I’m not in a massive fucking depressive episode wanting to just stop thinking

I don’t like who I am, I don’t like being a nervous obsessive wreck all the time. Breakups happen and this has destroyed me, this isn’t normal, this level of I can’t move on isn’t normal. Not only that but I feel vile in myself, who I am I hate it. I don’t wanna feel like this

How normal is it to want to fix a relationship, even thought the guy says he can’t meet up because he’s busy you both still talk to one another every day and you try to move on but you’re just i love with him and you can’t see yourself with anyone else? So you try to get closure to move on by meeting up and I can’t see any other way. It’s been 4 weeks on Sunday that we stopped seeing one another and a day hasn’t gone by that I’m not in so much pain in my head shouting at myself that I’m a freak, that I’m crazy, that I drove him away and I’m starting to believe it’s true. I’m asking him every week when I feel he’s free if he can see me and he’s always feeling really bad that he can’t, but in my head he’s saying no because he really hates me. That he actually doesn’t want to see me. But he’s messaging me so it’s a confusing thought. I just rang a helpline because I’ve been feeling rotten about myself and they didn’t help so now I’m like what do I do what’s next I’m stuck

I’m kinda laughing at myself because I’m extremely disappointed that I just now found out that seeking reassurance doesn’t help anything…y’all wanna guess why I’ve been scrolling this app for the last hour and a half? … welp someone tell me what to do because it’s the only thing that seems to help me…

(sorry for the long post lol i'm just trying to make as much sense as possible) hi everyone, i'm not diagnosed OCD, but i recently came across some info about the ROCD theme, and a lot of the symptoms really resonated with me. in every relationship i've had so far, as the relationship progresses, i'm faced with unrelenting thoughts of "what if this person isn't actually right for me?", "we don't have xyz in common so we should probably break up", "they'd probably prefer to be with someone different than me", etc. and it makes relationships almost unbearable to stay in. my last partner broke up with me because i couldn't confidently say i was love with them. i never considered OCD, because i didn't have any noticeable compulsions, but then i learned rumination can be a compulsion, and i do that almost constantly. i may also have other compulsions that i just never considered unusual, i'm not sure. after looking into ROCD, i noticed a lot of other behaviors i've exhibited throughout my life could be attributed to OCD, like extreme perfectionism in all areas of my life, excessive googling of symptoms, and occasional phases of intense existential anxiety, among other things. i'm late diagnosed autistic, so i figured that was the cause behind all of this, but now i'm not so sure. also, i have tried CBT several times, but it has never been helpful for me. one therapist encouraged me to break up with my boyfriend when i was experiencing lots of uncertain intrusive thoughts, similar to ROCD, which was upsetting and didn't feel right. i say this because i know ERP, which i haven't tried, tends to be more effective for OCD specific therapy. i tend to fixate on mental disorders, trying to find an answer for what exactly is "wrong" with me, so that might be all that's happening now. but i just wanted to see if the community here thinks i have good reason to go get evaluated. i'm afraid that i will get dismissed by the psychiatrist, and still be lost, not understanding what's going on in my head or how to fix it. i guess i'm just here to see if anyone else thinks my symptoms are obvious enough for a diagnosis. please be nice to me lol i'm shaking writing this bc i know some people can be pretty mean when it comes to "self diagnosing" (which is not at all what i'm trying to do, i just need some guidance) thank you !!!

Ever since I was a teen I wondered what my purpose in life is. I constantly wonder when my next long term relationship would end and mentally prepare myself for it so I don’t feel as lost and to have my own closure. No one’s ever proud of me. I don’t understand complexity. I need constant reassurance. I need to check and double check and triple check everything I touch for 5 seconds, especially if I’m locking it. I need to check and be reassured that the dog is in the house. I need to know everything that’s going on, and if there’s a change in plans then count me out. If I park a car I have to pull on locked door handles and make sure the gear shift is in park. I constantly google to try and make sense of my mind and feel somewhat normal or fit in somewhere, but normal is a dream. When I shower I must wash my body and then my hair and then my body again or else I’m not clean because my hair would be dirty from my body or my body would be dirty from my hair, there’s no medium. I cry because I just want to be normal. I’m tired.. Thanks for reading.

God I wanna ask my (15f) sister if I’ve ever hurt her -so badly. I wanna know if I’ve ever m worded her… she still likes me though- is around me, likes my attention when we are alone and is not troubled by my presence at all. Sometimes she squabbles with me, says hurtful things but she’s a teenager first and foremost. (Also likely bullied :( which is my non ocd fear.) She’s my sister, I love her more than anything and she doesn’t even know it. I’d move mountains for her if I had to and when I found out she was being bullied I wanted to personally put the fear of god into those pathetic wimps. She was born so I wouldn’t grow up alone if anything happened to our parents. She was the best gift and if I ever hurt her that way I would unalive myself The reason this thought came up was that I had a memory where me and her were playing as kids. We hid under the covers (idk why or the context) and she said “like sex?” And I panicked, got out from under the covers so quickly and said “what?! No- no nothing like that.” Or something along those lines. (I was molested as a kid by my cousin so I knew what sex was way too early- I think I was mostly disturbed by her knowing too.) My ocd is trying to find meaning- to find some part of this memory to twist. I can feel it bubbling in the back of my head sometimes. Conjuring up stuff. I know asked for reassurance from her is the worst thing I could do. Not only cause it’ll worsen symptoms if just ocd- but also it could possibly traumatize my sister cause she doesn’t know I have ocd and wouldn’t understand intrusive thoughts. :( Sometimes I just wish she also had ocd that she didn’t tell me about and we could both just ride it out as a pair again. Instead of being separated by my mental illness.

How do I stop replaying things that happened in my head? (Ex: someone flipped me off today driving and I can’t get past it & can’t stop replaying it in my head trying to remember every detail).

Hey!! I have health OCD wondering what everyone else struggles with and how you cope with things? Just seeing if there are similar story’s out there! 😊

Everyday i have unwanted thoughts and images in my head of me harming my loved ones in horrible ways, also urges too. i’m not like that at all, i don’t want to be like that at all and i also have an extreme fear of becoming a bad person and harming the people i love, or snapping out of anger and harming people. These thoughts scare me a lot and im really sad that i have these thoughts at all and its taking a toll on my mental health. whenever i see something like a gun or a knife or something like that i get anxious and scared at the thought that i could hurt someone with those things and i get thought about me in a position where i hurt someone. the last thing i want is to hurt anyone. i just wanna make people happy and i wanna treat others with kindness. i don’t want to do any of that i don’t wanna be a bad person. i hate these thoughts in my head and im so anxious at the thought that im gonna commit them. can someone help me and give me some advice on what to do?

It feels like I actually like and want to be gay, like I’m turning myself into someone I’m not! I’ve never had any romantic or sexual attraction towards girls. I’m not having anxiety and any compulsions anymore! I don’t understand how you don’t want something for so long and then all of a sudden want it.

What do you do when it starts to feel really real and you lose yourself? I constantly get thoughts/images of me being romantically involved w a child and I disgusts me to my core but at the same time I get thoughts and this "feeling" that I like it and it freaks me out. I tend to say "i want to be someone my age or older" when I get those thoughts and I get thoughts that I’m lying and that I don’t see myself w someone my age or older and it’s so weird and gross. I’m so scared that I’m going to become something I don’t want to be. I haven’t been diagnosed fully but my psychiatrist said that she’s sure that it is anxiety disorder and impulse phobia which is very close/linked to ocd. I’m so scared that my fear is gonna become real and this is turning me into one and I’ve always been one or something.

Does anyone have any tips for how to make decisions faster and not go back and forth?

This might be really disturbing but it can help you understand ocd. 2 years ago i didnt had the help for ocd that i have now, i just was in a discord server where people teached you to "accept everything and live your life" which in some way is good, but its just a tiny little part of ocd 4 recovery and every mental illness revovery, just based on that you cant recover, ocd is much more deeper. So back then i just had this advice, to accept every thoughts cause they are just thoughts... again this is not enough for ocd recovery. So i felt worse and that time harm ocd got really bad. Usually i had suicidal ocd but in that time i had harm against others, like killing my family. And this going to be so discusting, both for you and me but it might be a good exposure to me, i remember one night i was writing to someone what i was going through, and i wrote to her that im actually feeling that i want to hirt my mom. And i remember i felt like im going insane and i want to hurt my mom, i had random thoughts that said this will feel good, i will enjoy it. And lot of people doesnt know this but ocd can be this agressive, its not just "what if" thoughts. But because of movies we think that if you have thoughts like this, expecially telling you want to do, it means youre going insane, youre schizophrenic, you have demons and youre probably going to do it. These things were in my mind so i was just really sick of myself. I wrote this to that person and i really told her what i was feeling, that i feel like i want to do it and i would enjoy it. She told me to go to the hospital(cause i worded it really badly). I felt soo bad, i didnt wanted to go to the hospital but i felt shame that i dont want to accept that i have a problem. I still didnt went to the hospital and now im actually happy about it cause 2 thing couldve happened there, 1 they take it seriously and deal with me as a sick person who wants to kill his family, which wouldve ruin my revovery, give me more doubt and self hate and give me trauma, or the 2nd thing, they realize its just ocd but the whole situation makes me feel shame. So i didnt went but i was so tired and sick of myself that inside i accepted that i have to get locked in a mental asylum, cause im dangerous...So my point is that ocd can be this agressive. It can manipulate you to feel anything and if you dont have the right tools, you will fall for it. If you dont have people who understand ocd, please find a therapist, you dont have to suffer with this alone. I hope i could help to some with this horrible story😅 Now its time for me to sit with the discomfort that i shared this and the memoried came back😂