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Can OCD make you feel like you're enjoying OCD even though that's not the case and you're in mental anguish?

I'm worried if people knew my past, especially my partner, they would all leave me. My family, my friends, the love of my life. I remember what I've done, and false memories just make it worse, make it feel like I need to confess to things I can't remember details of, that I'm not worthy of forgiveness and love, and that I'm loving a lie every day I wake up. Some days I can live beside it, other days feel impossible. We want to get married, but I feel like I'd be doing her a great injustice if we did. I just don't know how I can live like this.

I keep giving in to OCD I wish I could resist it but if I don’t do what it says then I feel weird because I’ve been doing it for so long!

Hi so I struggle with harm ocd and I believe I have gotten to manage the thoughts better as they are no longer eating away at me every minute as they were for the last month and a half( I still ruminate a lot) But I guess I am also depressed and the anxiety were too much and now I can’t really feel a lot of emotions, it’s not like they’re all gone but very suppressed I would say, like I can’t feel joy like I used to, I don’t feel anger or sadness especially when watching sad things or videos as much, I don’t feel guilty as much, like when I broke a family friends chair on accident, cognitively I felt bad as I offered to pay to replace it, but I didn’t really feel guilty, I have felt it in the past but since this flare up I haven’t been able to, and the anxiety is gone (which is partly good) but also a little unsettling, because I am a Very and I mean VERY anxious person I remeber in high school I would get super anxious to do something simple as picking up a tissue and blowing my nose, now I can’t really feel that and it’s helpful in some situations but it doesn’t feel like I am myself. I want to get rid of this numbness because I graduate this week and want to feel both happy and sad for when that day comes and not hollow. Any tips for anyone who’s going trough the same thing? Or has?

trigger warning so nobody accidentally picks up this ocd type and tw for weed usage. i think this is ocd at least. i am diagnosed but it could be something else. im 15 and it all started after i got too high off of weed one night and had a panic attack when i was 14. it felt like my whole reality was shattering. i felt like i wasn’t real and that the world around me was fake. ever since ive been struggling with self image and wondering if im insane and if the world around me and the people around me are real. or if im even real. i wonder about people and the evolution behind it. what are we?? we created this civilization and its just odd to me for some reason, how everything became to be. i look around and wonder who i am, if im insane, i look at myself in the mirror somedays and wonder if i fit inside my body. if personality is just a construct or something else. it spirals into thoughts like am i even real?? am i a real person?? is the world around me real or a simulation or god knows what. it used to cause me major distress but ive learned to manage it because what else am i supposed to do. the worries come and go. it usually happens when i worry if im gonna die (ex if i stay up too late and arent tired i wonder if im gonna have a heart attack) and that spirals my anxiety. i feel like im in a constant state of disassociation or existential worries. i keep trying to find proof that im sane and everything is real but it just makes me worry more. im not good at letting stuff go, but i think thats what i have to do. i wonder if anyone else struggles with this or if im just crazy and alone. i think my ultimate fear is losing control of myself, if my brain spirals off to far and i cant reel it back in. sort of like a point of no return.

Hi new too this app been having gay thoughts for a couple months they have recently went away and so as the anxiety I lost attraction to females but still get turned on too them so does that mean I’m bi or straight cause I don’t think gays get boners to girls I have very confused if this is ocd or something else this has never happend before always had girlfriends etc so someone Please help me out here I don’t think if I was gay I would get erections to girls

I’m so fed up of this, it’s not proper full on intrusive thoughts it’s just this whole general feeling and I hate it, i can’t shake it and i just don’t know what is real or fake. I try to imagine myself in situations and see if i would like it and i don’t think i would but that’s not enough for my brain. I’m also so stressed because back in february when this girl wanted my snap and sent me into a spiral of intrusive thoughts, i saw her at work yesterday and it made me feel so stressed. My brain told me this stress meant I liked her?? but i don’t. In February before her friends even said about wanting my snap I was fine because I don’t like her?! But as soon as that happened i got all these intrusive thoughts like ‘oh you must look gay then’ and from then on every time i have work i get bad anxiety - my brain keeps saying this anxiety is attraction does anyone have any advice? i’m sure it’s not attraction but my brain keeps saying it is and i get intrusive thoughts and feelings.

I have been dealing with harm ocd for two years, this crisis led me to lose my faith which was a big part of my life, to avoid friends, to lose my passion for writing… I still read and do sports but I just feel tired from having these thoughts whenever I see a stranger even though I go out and meet people. When it will go away? I feel sad and empty..

I love my bf a lot (at least I think so) but I really struggle at times because I obsess over every little thing he does that I find weird or cringy or annoying or unattractive. a lot of times I’m just blowing things out of proportion. But the problem is, sometimes these thoughts don’t feel intrusive, it’s not like my brain is telling me something is annoying when it isn’t. There are definitely times where he does do things that I cringe at or feel annoyed by, or I just have this weird feeling of being put off. And those are the things I obsess over. So now I’m worried. I’m not sure how to describe my thoughts and feelings, I guess it’s more that something he does will trigger me (i.e. he does something weird or cringy or annoying) and I respond (i.e. thinking and feeling weirded out, annoyed, or cringing) and then all I focus about is the weird things he did and the fact I feel that way about them, and I start obsessing and playing over the situation in my mind, and I worry that his actions will make me not like him entirely, and I start putting him under a mental microscope, picking apart everything. And I worry that me not liking those things is bad or wrong or it’s a sign I don’t like him. And I don’t know how to move on, because my brain wants to like everything, but it can’t, and it can’t move past that, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t get over all these thoughts and feelings and I worry that it’s not OCD because it’s not necessarily entirely intrusive and idk if it’s bad to feel this way, and even if someone told me it wasn’t bad to feel this way, I would continue to worry that I just don’t like him and or that I wouldn’t be able to handle those “flaws” forever.

I feel when I get a thought I can’t talk myself out of it unless I have proof like a voice memo, a video or a dash cam recording. How do you guys talk yourselves through your thoughts. Whatever they may be?

So me and my boyfriend have been to a wedding this weekend. He was all dressed up in a suit and looked incredible. My ocd was veey mild for the whole day and I couldnt take my eyes off him. It made me get excited about one day getting married to him, and all our friends at the end of the night were joking we would be next as we have been together for ages. All today I have been joking and talking to him about when its our turn what we want etc at our wedding. This evening suddenly I feel like my ocd is really strong. It is saying I dont wanna be with him and Im actually gay so cant marry him. Its horrible - I was so happy with how yesterday went and this morning talking about weddings was lovely. Anyone else have this?? 💗

Hey guys, just wanted to introduce myself my names Matt. I was first diagnosed with ocd at the age of 14. I am 29 years old currently. I really had it bad for awhile then I got out of the hole and saw the light. Now I feel like I'm back in it. I've been inpatient at ocd facilities like mclean and Roger's. I consider myself very fortunate and that's where part of the guilt comes in for whatever reason. I've been supported a lot of my life especially when the ocd was really bad and I couldn't function in society. I got back on my feet but recently experienced rocd for the first time. The fear it instilled in me..im struggling massively at the moment. I find that the intrusive thoughts come in and have a strangle hold on me and the sadness and emptiness that follows. I was diagnosed with depression but its hard to come to terms with it. I feel that the ocd is just so awful now. I have experienced a couple sub types in the past..a big one being harm ocd and health related ocd..contamination to a degree. I used to reread when I was in school and that was hell in itself just trying to chase a feeling of perfectionism. I've done ERP plenty of times in the past but ceased the therapy as I got better. Now I'm seeking therapy through nocd which I've never tried before. I really hope I can get myself on track because it really feels like the weight of the world is on my back. I want to pursue music as it's always been an important tool for coping and connection. I can't explain how it makes me feel it's just amazing. I've been working on my vocals but there are so many barriers right now. I feel so sad and I just want to isolate myself. It's up and down emotionally. I'm adjusting to medication that I discontinued awhile ago and now I'm back on it. It's a slow grind. I literally feel like the stress at work is becoming too much as I'm essentially caring for others when I can barely care for myself right now. I work as a life coach with individuals diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder. I know I'm really bouncing around here on all of subjects but I feel like the more and more I speak up about my diagnosis and spread awareness of ocd the more I'm feared of being misunderstood. I think it's truly another "what if" ocd fear. It is so hard to get a grip on the ocd because the rumination is so bad. To be honest it's hard to open up about ocd in general. I just keep thinking as a male I have to keep it together and I shouldn't be emotional that it's weak. I feel like I was fed that before in my past. I honestly appreciate having a community like this I'm grateful. It's so odd I just want a big hug but at the same time it's too much to be that vulnerable.

anyone else use tarot cards and astrology and psychics for reassurance? i know things are bad when i constantly use this online tarot yes or no website for answers on everything and its never enough i do it multiple times and even if i get the answer i want i dont feel reassured and its kinda self sabatoging because especially with dating and relationship ocd its very much about if things should proceed is he a good guy does he have good intentions does he still like me should i go on another date and its like so many disappointments happen from just what these cards are telling me before i can even just let things play out how they may so when im in the moment with whoever in my mind ive already been rejected by them or not really truly liked by them multiple times before hes even done or said anything implying that is the case

Hi! So I can't stop thinking that I am a bad person .. Idk .. I doubt everything .. I can't stop thinking about all may past actions and I cant stop thinking that I had bad intentions in everything .. Also I keep having thoughts about what if I really want to hurt someone .. I keep having intrusive thoughts about harming people .. I am so scared Idk if I really want or its just intrusive.. but they cause me distress... Any advice? Is someone going trough the same thing?

Does anyone ever walk by something that triggers a wave of anxiety and think, "Wait, what was I doing?" and question if you hurt someone or killed someone? For example, I was walking out of work to meet my father and had to walk by the trash can in front of the building. At this time, I also saw a man a few yards away. As I walked by the trash can, I got a wave of anxiety and thought, "Wait, what happened? Why am I thinking this? Did I do something?" I tried to move forward and ignore my surroundings, including the guy walking in front of me. I ended up leaving work to get lunch and began to doubt myself.

Does anyone have any tips when it comes to rumination and trying to figure out the answer in my head related to HOCD? It's literally all I think about all day every day. It feels like I'm just wasting my life in my head.

I wrote a post yesterday asking for help but nobody answered, im writing this one hopefully ill get help this time. I want a solution to this, im so sick of this, i cant spend time with my family anymore and cant even use my phone without constantly checking every setting to make sure its 100000% safe. Im so tired of thinking too much of bad things. Please please give me ways to not feel like this again, i cant eat, sleep, think about good things, and i cant even cry to let it out because i dont know how to cry it all out, i feel like its stuck inside and constantly playing bad games on my mind with the bad ideas. Please help me i cant do this anymore

This is probably going to be triggering for some of you who suffers from so-ocd, so I just want to clarify: it's MY experience, I'm not invalidating yours. I've experienced intrusive thoughts since I was like 10 y.o., some of them really scared me and made me afraid of my own brain. When I was 18/19 y.o, I started having a lot of doubts about my sexual orientation: I couldn't stop thinking about it, I became obsessed about the idea I could be bisexual and not straight as I thought. I made a research online and I found out about ocd: it all made sense. I was scared but also relieved to find an answer that made sense to all of that. I'm now 21: I spent years trying to find the right treatment. In November I got officially diagnosed with ocd, but my therapist didn't do erp. At the same time, I started dating a wonderful guy (my actual boyfriend). We had some very beautiful months, we did a lot of things together and I was really happy. However, I was also overwhelmed by anxiety, all the time. I experimented derealization very strongly. I still had some so-ocd thoughts, even if they started to reduce, then developed rocd and I also started to become obsessed about ocd itself. So I started to look out for a new therapist (I wanted to find someone who did ERP), and when I was on her office, telling her all my thoughts, I got so triggered... like, she said that "experimenting in a young age is good" and when I said that being with my boyfriend made me feel calm, she said "because you didn't have anxiety regarding your sexual orientation?", making me feel very guilty, like I was using him just to find relief. She eventually said what I was experiencing was likely ocd, but she triggered me anyway. I never returned to her, and a very difficult and strange period started. When I went out of that place, I was somehow convinced I was a lesbian: I thought "Well, it's not the answer you wanted, but there it is". I also watched videos on YouTube, read a lot of articles... and somehow started to think that was it. The scary and confusing thing was that I didn't have that invasive anxiety anymore. The sensation of derealization had already started decreasing, but since that day it almost disappeared. One week later I couldn't hold it together anymore, I cried with my boyfriend and told him all my doubts. I went home devasted, I missed him a lot, all that didn't seem to have sense: suddenly, I couldn't recall to my mind all the reasons I had previously thought about that made me a lesbian. We had a very difficult month, with a lot of ups and downs, we kinda broke up. Now, I've started a new therapy with a therapist I found thanks to the international ocd foundation. I finally found someone who is qualified, who told me I'm dealing with ocd, however... it really doesn't seem like ocd anymore. I ruminate about my sexual orientation and what should I do with my boyfriend all day long, but I don't have anxiety anymore. My heart beats faster sometimes, I'm sad, I cry, but that's it, I don't have that huge anxiety and big sense of urgency as before. The idea of being bisexual/lesbian doesn't even scare me anymore. On the contrary, I'm starting to be more anxious at the idea of staying with my boyfriend, even if before he was my safe place and I wanted to love him with all my heart. So... it wasn't ocd all this time? Or it was, but there is also something else going on? Should I take courage, break up with him, and try to solve these things out in a different way? Or it's another trick of ocd, and in the moment I'll break up, it will make me doubt everything once again?

Hey guys! Im new to this app but only because sadly ive been going through a new “theme”. But I wanted to post my success story for HOCD after seeing so many people on here going through it sadly. So here we go… I was 15 years old life was going amazing. Easy living, had just got a new girlfriend and so much in puppy love it was awesome. Fastfoward 3 months I woke up one morning in a panic I thought I was turning homosexual. It wasnt even a thought and nothing triggered it that I can remember it was just there. I obsessed about it and had no idea what was going on or why. I remember texting my bestfriend “hey man have you ever just lost feelings or attraction to girls out of nowhere”? Not knowing at the time this was a compulsion. Then I fell into the good ol google. First thing I searched and ill never forget “why is my mind trying to make me gay?” and the first thing that popped up with was a support group for HOCD. If I hadnt of found that I would probably of lost my mind…. But knowing now I wish I never did because I was on it 24/7 everyday reading and getting reassurance just to feel better for 5 minutes. So after struggling and coming go conclusion of what I thought I had I pulled my parents aside and asked for help. Crying to them and telling them I needed help because my mind was spiraling. Keep in mind I grew up in a Christian background and southern roots. I told them “My mind is making me think im gay and i dont know what to do. I think I have something called HOCD but I dont know.” My mom insisted it was adolescence and hormones and I was just “confused”. I wanted to go to therapy but I didnt know how to ask. I thought if I could just get on medicene that would make me happy this would all go away but I never had the chance to. My tutor at the time was a church pastor and my mom mentioned to her what I was going through and she recommended having me sit down with a conversion therapist. Can you imagine how much distress that gave me? But at the time I said okay if this will make it better… But we never went through with this. Im just here to say I dealt with this for 3 years with no therapy and no medication. I noticed guys everywhere I went.. On tv, in the streets. I couldnt even look at myself in the mirror sometimes because I was afraid I may look gay(this is not a homophobic post i have many gay friends now). Now to the concurred part. I now have a beautiful wife, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 turtles and im not worried about it. Funny thing to me that always seems to happen with OCD/pure o is I can remember the day and the time it started but I cannot remember when it stopped. Im not sure if you get used to it or become numb to the feelings. But for everyone out there dealing with this their is hope. I would advise getting therapy and opening up to loved ones even if you are scared. Theres light at the end of the tunnel and it may seem like living hell now but I promise you will have a happy life. Sorry for this crazy long post! Love to you all and stay strong!

Hello. This is my first post and it’s going to be a confession of sorts… I was recently diagnosed with OCD and it has been really clarifying, scary, and confusing to navigate alone. I am also going through a lot of changes in my personal life. I recently graduated college and I am currently healing from a very difficult break up with my partner of 4 years. I don’t handle uncertainty or change very well so this period of my life has been super stressful and uncomfortable. My recent diagnosis and break up have taught me a lot about myself. I first realized I might have OCD because my mental health and— what I now know to be compulsions— became so destructive to my physical and emotional wellbeing that I actually began googling questions about repetitive self mutilation. The first result was something about the link between OCD and self harm. There were some examples of what compulsive self mutilation can look like, and it strongly resembled the things I have struggled with my entire life. For me, self mutilation is the compulsion I struggle with most. At times it has been incredibly debilitating. From there, I became obsessed with reading into OCD (I find this pretty ironic and funny). The more I research about it the more it resembles the things I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. I realized that the overwhelming guilt, shame, and anxiety I feel constantly are not the consequences of being a bad person, but rather the symptoms of OCD. It feels super validating to learn that the inner turmoil I’ve struggled with my entire life is something other people experience and is actually treatable. I started working with a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD and ended up getting formally diagnosed with moderate to severe OCD. Since learning this, I am beginning to understand myself in an entirely new light. It has in no way been easy. I hit rock bottom and— just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse — I hit an even lower rock bottom. I’m not saying this out of self pity or to try to fish for sympathy, I’m just hoping that I can make someone struggling with a recent diagnosis feel less alone. I have felt very alone in this journey even as I learn that many people struggle with similar things. I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I am actively seeking treatment and I’m doing what I can to manage my OCD. I’m really grateful for this platform and I am relieved to know that things can actually get better. I think the next step for me is to start ERP therapy, but right now that sounds really scary and exhausting. Even so, I’m quickly warming up to this form of treatment as I research about its effectiveness. Everyday I discover more ways my life has been impacted by OCD. It’s very painful to realize that the overwhelming shame I feel about my obsessions and compulsions has actually been the reason I’ve lived the first 23 years of my life undiagnosed. My diagnosis has also shed new light on my past relationship and has helped me sort through some of my emotions in this healing process. … To anybody who actually read this whole thing: thank you. If nobody read it then at least I got this off my chest. I would really appreciate any advice on navigating a recent diagnosis and seeking treatment.