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Do you have any tips to deal with false memory? because i lack the ability to recognize if the events were real or not…

Hello, I do have lots of dilemma, I am not exactly sure what the point of this post is but I have been with my partner for about a year now and 4 months into the relationship ocd creeped in. I have had almost all the different triggers and compulsions there is to have. Luckily my partner is extremely understanding and hasn’t broken up with me yet. I was doing good for about a month prior to this and I had a massive setback because I began controlling and fixing him. I began doing ERP during that period but there was so much anxiety however I noticed I stopped doing lots of the compulsions but the anxiety totally ruined my mood and I will be unhappy most at times so I felt I most be unhappy in the relationship since I am not longer having intrusive thoughts or controlling. I also would get so mad that my partner can feel all the love and excitement in a relationship and I can’t feel it( checking for feelings) so I’ll be so angry that I would start saying deliberate hurtful things to hurt my partner to feel the hurt I am going through. I really want to stop hurting my partner but I don’t know how to. I sometimes feel frustrated that I can’t control my actions or thoughts or even delay it. Because he’d always ask how I feel when u am anxious and I will burst out with all the emotions, this has made me very rude,disrespectful and immature to him. ( our relationship was the happiest relationship before OCD, I keep his flaws but I didn’t care about them at all and saw him as perfect) now I am holding a perfectionist view of how a partner should be(idealised partner) comparing him to that. I also don’t know how to be compassionate to myself and sometimes I feel so guilty for everything he is going through. There is a lot that is going on with me but I just want to know how to start feeling like I can control the actions I take and also how to stop confessing ( I am in therapy but sometimes I just need advice from people who have gone through this)

I am terrified of posting this but am doing it as part of an exposure. This post will contain mentions of grooming, csa, pedophilia, zoophilia, incest, rape, porn, and chronic guilt. I got my first computer when I was around six years old. This was the late 2000s and my parents were pretty old when they had me so I had basically no restrictions. It basically put a huge target on my head. Over the years I was groomed a lot into thinking things like pedophilia and zoophilia were okay, i dated a guy who was 18-19 when i was 9, i saw a lot of horrific porn that I am ashamed to have seen. For a long while I looked at anime porn of things like incest, rape, beastiality, etc. I finally stopped when I was around 16 but the guilt and fear I feel over it is eating me alive. I grew up in a school system that told me 14-17 is a “young adult” and so I feel like I should have known better. I also owned a fantasy werewolf/furry dildo but threw it out a while ago because I felt so much guilt. I feel no attraction to kids or animals but if I see one I get intrusive thoughts and images which heavily distress me. I am so scared of turning into a pedophile or zoophile because of what I used to look at as a kid. I know rationally that kids and teens are weird and curious, and that being groomed wasn’t my fault. But I can’t move on or forgive myself. My OCD latches onto anything it can get its hands on but this has by far been the worst. It has made me completely abstain from anything sexual out of fear and I hate myself daily because of what I’ve seen. I am currently working with an OCD therapist and a trauma therapist. They have helped a lot but I still feel so alone in this.

Anyone else think it’s irresponsible to have kids if you have severe ocd?

Who has had challenges with this and how have you coped? I have found this extremely tough in my 6 year relationship.

One thing that I’m struggling to bear with, is how isolating this feels… I spent all evening yesterday ruminating over intense groinal responses in response to intrusive thoughts. And then I had a dream where I experienced sexual arousal due to being in bed naked with someone… Not sure who, and I didn’t touch the person in the dream… But now my ocd is putting the two together and I’m triggered to the next level right now… I’m trying so hard to dismiss this as a stupid dream but I’m finding it increasingly difficult. I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do…

I'm trying to do this on my own without meds, but I am having trouble convincing myself that I don't need to do a compulsion after a trigger. That it's ok to skip a compulsion, because I don't feel like it is. I want to clean and clean and clean, so that there are fewer compulsions and then try to address them. Short of that, I want technology to catch up and make life with ocd as functional as life without ocd.

unfortunately i’ve been having more any more dreams of my dad. in these dreams he always tries to initiate intimate acts with me, and that scares me. i’m never able to speak up and yell no. but i have these dreams so often. i start thinking, did stuff like this happen when i was young? my dad and i have always been close, especially after my parents divorced. I used to sleep in his bed as a kid. i know i don’t remember anything. but that’s where the false memories come in. it’s like i can imagine this stuff so vividly.

I’m still early in my journey and have only had a few erp sessions. After the sessions, I feel totally defeated and depressed (even if I “did well”). I am totally overwhelmed thinking about the past 15 years I’ve spent reinforcing safety behaviors and ruminating. It seems like it will take a very very long time to see and feel meaningful progress. The sessions are exhausting and I have a family- is it really worth triggering myself like this? When did you start recognizing progress?

Those of you that partake in marijuana, how does it affect your OCD? Sometimes I feel like it calms me down and rids my brain of all intrusive thoughts, sometimes I feel like I take one hit and I'm spiraling. Just wondering how it affects other people. Love you all and am very happy I downloaded this app. I feel so much less alone. ☮️

I got therapy 4-5 months ago and she helped me understand i have ocd but it was also getting worse i would hurt my self a little more and cry alot to a point i couldn't and im getting tired of ocd and therapy and talking to my teachers about it because its getting worse everyday i just want to get out of school and out of my house maybe even the mental hospital is good but i don't want to go to school or home im thinking of maybe killing my self then surviving (sorry if i triggered u)

One of my obsessions is always convincing myself I’m pregnant even though it’s impossible, I’m trying to not google symptoms and get reassurance for the first time. I’m really struggling rn. One of the thoughts that usually makes me spiral is the idea if you’re stressed your period could be delayed. So then I’m trying I hard to not be stressed about it and get caught in a loop

Anybody else get depressing thoughts and feelings with their existential ocd? Like you have convinced yourself so much that nothing is real that you literally start to become emotionally detached from things. For example I’ll be watching a YouTube video about the war that’s going on in Gaza or even a tattoo video on YouTube and I’m just getting thoughts like “so what? None of this is real anyway, why should I care?” Etc etc. and it feels natural, like it’s 100% fact but at the same time you know something is wrong and you try and reality test your way out of these feelings but it just doesn’t work. I can’t enjoy anything anymore because of this.

Whenever the topic of mental illness is brought up or the possibility of medication being involved my dad does not like the idea of it. I want to and need to go on medication I feel like I’m getting worse and with the recent news of my school work being effected I cannot do that anymore. I’m 19 years old so I can technically take medicine if I want but I live with my parents still and I hate lying and keeping secrets. How do I tell my dad I want to start taking ocd medication?

i don't have all that doubts anymore and that worries me

I feel like, when i talk with him, im just roleplaying, fooling myself, only say things to my partner just because i feel like "i have to" or "i have to act like this". I don't know how to explain this situation but i hope some of y'all can understand. I feel like i don't even love my partner and i don't think he is a good person and etc, but i deny this, i don't accept this and confess to myself. I feel like i don't even KNOW my partner. This problem breaks my heart so much. I feel devestated. I'm very doubtful of my intentions these days. And my thoughts make me feel that I have self-interested, selfish, conditional, reciprocal, expectant intentions. Like, I feel like I'm using my partner just him to give love, rather than to love and support him, whether he loves me or not, because i don't intend a relationship or find someone who will love me, but i intend my partner himself, i intend to be a lifelong friend, if he wants it, a partner. Long story short, i want to be everything for him. No matter what, friends or partner, even in his presence and absence. I don't know if i can explain myself properly. But my intentions are a bit different from a person who is in love. So i want to love the person, not the feelings he makes me feel. I want to love him, not only the good things of him. I want to love his worst, all of his flaws. But no matter how hard i try, i feel like i just use my partner and my intentions are selfish, manipulative, love chaser, mutualist, enthusiastic, conditionalist, expectant, dissatisfied, insatiable, unaccepting. Other than all of these, i also struggle with unfaithful thoughts and feelings so much. In fact, I'm afraid that my subconscious will think someone else is my partner and therefore love someone else. I don't want to see my partner as someone else, I don't want to see anyone else as my partner. I don't know if this is why I feel like I'm fake and pretending, or like I'm doing something by force, or in a roleplay game, like I don't actually love my partner at all and don't accept him as he is, i think he is a bad person and i actually never ever accepted and loved him, i just force myself, i just act, and i act like im in a roleplay, playing an innocent looking, pure, soft girlfriend role. Because i feel like "i have to". But i don't want any of these and i don't want to feel these. I don't want these to be real. All I want is to love my partner, and only my partner, accept him as he is, remain faithful to him, have unconditional intention, love and acceptence regardless of my thoughts and feelings, no matter what they say. I was so focused on loving him, my love and intention for him, that I forgot to focus on my partner himself. Maybe that's the reason. I think I focused so much on loving right because of OCD that I started to feel like I was pushing, forcing myself, i was acting. My compulsions are very frequent. It's hard not to because of OCD. But I'm doing my best. Still, this situation makes me very sad. I strive for something. But is it because i feel like i have to and im forcing myself, or is it because i actually love my partner? This scares me so much. Can you guys give me advice on how to actually focus on my partner rather than my feelings? Because i want to love my partner. Not my feelings or the feelings hes making me feel.

I sometimes wonder if I even have OCD. My primary subtype is Real Event. Even my other subtypes (POCD, ROCD) usually revolve around specific real events. I have over 10-15, and they are all actually really bad. Confirmed really bad. Some of the most immoral things a person can do without going to jail. I just wasn’t a good person at all between the ages of like 16-22. I had an incredibly poor moral compass and I did so many hurtful, harmful things without second thought or consideration for others. I don’t even feel like I have OCD. My first therapist thought so, and my current therapist is starting ERP with me next week per her suggestion (I did ERP with my first therapist). But since all of my worries, fears, regret, and shame are actually real and valid, treating the constant memories and shame like OCD feels like a cop out. I actually was a very immoral person. I know that having OCD isn’t really about the events themselves, but how I respond to them (ruminating, mental review, confessing, researching, etc.). It just feels so wrong trying to be happy when I’ve done so many genuinely fucked up things. I don’t deserve to move forward. I just want support, I want to know what’s wrong with me. But I don’t feel like I belong here. Everyone on here seems so genuinely good. Especially regarding feared real events. I see posts here of people fearing that they did things 1/100th as bad as things I’m actually certain I’ve done. People are so afraid that they are what I am actually proven to be. I’m not trying to discount anyone’s experience, but I’ve never read a confession on here as bad as even my least concerning event. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I feel sick when I think of the things I’ve done, but I feel even more sick when I’m not thinking about it. These memories are too severe to let go. I’m growing so tired, and my hope fades more and more by the day. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve changed, what’s done is done. Who am I to try and be happy after what I’ve done?

What was a recent ERP win? Big or small, every step forward matters

Me ( M29) and my Ex GF ( F27 ) 5 year relationship . Since the beginning of our relationship, my gf lived me with through her college years ,she did not pay rent , or for any meal. I’ve always made good money and bought her whatever she wanted , and we went on the best vacations . Her love language is acts of service ( gifts , thoughtfulness, etc) . I always felt connection issues, emotionally neglected in our communication style ( I’m very affectionate and she would never really want to cuddle or anything ). I hated going to bed angry at each other which I verbally communicated , she would not listen and go sleep on the couch and not talk to me . This led to me being verbally abusive in some ways , in arguments id say things like “ I’m leaving you , I don’t want to do this anymore “ but then I’d apologize . . This was a few years ago and I grew as a person within our relationship and became a very loving and attentive partner as I always have. A couple years ago , my GF spent a whole night out and was hanging with a bartender she met out and came home and told me she needed a break . This was the start of my OCD in a lot of ways because She lied to me about talking to someone else after I asked her multiple times and she finally told me the truth . I started questioning who I was at this point and my Sexual orientation because of all the pain I felt and I felt like I caused her to act this way. I came to my senses the following morning and told her she had to move out . She cried and begged to my mother after I would not pick up the phone . I ultimately decided to let her back in and she PROMISED me she would not go back to the bar where the guy works. Fast forward two weeks after that , one of my friends saw her at the same bar and I would have never known if he had not saw her there . She lied to me by going back there and then she lied again by saying that the bartender was not there and she just went in there “ to use the bathroom.” I kept talking to this girl and she still continued to live with me. She even said she wanted an open relationship at one point and called that same guy to come over the house to do you know what . Our arguing got worse as time went on and she broke up with me again and told me “ I need time to think and collect myself and of course I want to get back together with you.” We were still hanging out everyday even though she moved out and got a sublease for 2 months. Come to find out she was hanging out with me during the day time and going back to her house to hang out with a new dude she met ( a barber ). She told me we were single and we could do whatever we wanted . Mind you I took this girl to the Cayman Islands during this time . I even saw text messages of her texting the dude “ I miss you” etc . We happened to run into the guy while we were out and she asked me if she could give him a hug and say hello to him in front of me . She even got mad at me for getting mad at her for asking me that question. She wrote me a letter saying sorry and that she loved me and all that. I got suckered in again and still kept hanging out with her . I ended up sleeping with one of her friends friends at the time , and she made me feel like such a bad person for it . That friend at the time of hers she met through me and they are no longer friends. Come to find out , my girlfriend had had a sexual relationship with a football coach she met out before I even did what I did and she was not even going to tell me until I found out . She continued to write me letters saying sorry and how we could rebuild trust . Fast forward to this year we have been broken up for some time but started to rekindle our relationship. The whole past 6 months she has been talking to another dude while talking to me and breadcrumbing me during Thanksgiving and christmas . She even lied to me on my birthday and said she fell asleep while she was actually hanging out with the other dude . I blocked her number and went through a massive transformation. I started hitting the gym praying and meditating . Got in the best shape of my life and used everything as fuel . She recently showed up at my door after a month crying and begging and even threatening to commit suicide . She even told me she had not spoken to the guy she was seeing for 3 months . Come to find out she spoke to the guy 3 weeks ago. She lied again . She said because I told her this wouldn’t work that’s why she reached out to him . I keep breaking up and getting back with her and arguing and mentioning the past still and I feel horrible. Did my ways cause her to cheat and lie repeatedly ? Looking back I got manipulated this time into taking her back and now when we talk I can’t stop mentioning the past and what she did . My OCD has flared up and all the insecurities and self work I did when I blocked her all went to none and I feel like I’m starting back at square one . I feel like I started the relationship with her since the beginning because of my insecurities . I feel betrayed , I feel like a control freak and everything above . What did I do to deserve her lying? Am I being too controlling? Just need help and advice from all this mess. She recently texted me and told me I would never hear from her again after she typed a lengthy explanation of why she texted the other guy . I never lied nor cheated on her but I feel like I lied since the beginning because I felt deep down she was never really my soul mate because of her non affection. After I always told her I needed more affection and communication and maturity . I’m not a gift giver but I always showered her with gifts , Prada shoes and trips . She always writes letters and cries and comes back and says sorry but it seems like I push her away. She has forgiven me for my transgressions but I can’t come to forgive her for here . Maybe it’s because she lied and cheated ? Maybe this is my OCD talking , because I clearly love her if I am this distraught . Why is it so hard for me to move on this time when I did it before by blocking her and working on myself? I feel guilty for the way I treated her early on . Just need some support and advice . Thank you All for those who have made it this far and GOD bless you all.

Hello! My name is Erika, I am 24 years old and I believe I have shown signs of OCD since I was about 14 years old. I have gone to therapy along this journey, once for about a year or so when I was 14 due to self-harm and depression (which I believe may have been from an OCD flare up) and for about 6 months when I was 22. I was diagnosed with PMDD and ADHD and I have been prescribed Wellbutrin (was on it for 4 years) and Prozac (was on it for 3 months). I am currently unmedicated and not in therapy due to being unemployed and not having insurance or enough income. For the last couple years I suspected there was something else going on besides ADHD or PMDD and I thought maybe it was autism, but after doing lots of research, I believe it may be OCD. Does anyone have any recommendations for seeking a proper diagnosis as a low-income individual? Or just where to go from here? I have been getting worse and worse this past year and could really use some tips and guidance ! Thank you for listening 🙏