Welcome to
the NOCD Community

i have a friend whos 17 and i'm 20 and im so afraid im going to develop a crush on them and it will be immoral because they're still legally a minor and i'm afraid that when i talk to them im slowly grooming them just because im being nice to them and i'm their friend. im scared i have a crush on them this whole time i cant tell, deep down i know i dont but the fear is so strong. im afraid they can tell im being weird or that i feel afraid of this and they're put off by me. i think i just need reassurance im not weird or grooming them. we just talk about the beatles and that's it, thats our main thing in common, obviously nothing sexual or romantic or weird. but still, i could be. i hate this

One night I started obsessing over how my dad could develop cancer I was watching a movie on Netflix and I kept having to pause the movie to blink and quickly pray to God that he wouldn't so I wouldn't be choosing the movie 'over' my dad. But one time I didn't and I just carried on playing it and then I felt this huge sinking feeling which made me feel like I caused something terrible to happen so I banned myself from Netflix for a year 😭😭and also started banning a ton of other 'materialistic' stuff like chocolate and music because I read in the Bhagavad-Gita that 'life is a balance of pain and pleasure' so I thought that by reducing pleasure I could prevent the pain I could feel from my dad 😭which makes no sense at all Anyway I got over this eventually but today I was watching Netflix again and then I started thinking about how I should probably put it away and go to bed (after I pray for my dad first) but I started thinking about how I don't want to put it away and I think mentally I chose it 'over' my dad- EVEN THOUGH I WOULD NEVER. And then it was like all my OCD faded and I was allowed to pray for other stuff too, etc But then I realised that this could be because Id chosen something above my dad and now he will one day down the line get cancer. I couldn't bear this so I started praying again before bed that I don't choose anything beyond my dad, and that him not getting cancer comes first, etc. Then I got into bed and I keep feeling the urge to get up again and show God I've chosen him and that I don't choose anything instead, and I keep feeling the urge to like tap the floor twice to solidify this but I promised to god that I can't 😭😭 I am so sorry that this is such a long post. Any advice at all would be welcome :(

Currently still struggling with feeling hopeless and anxious and sleeping, I have been sleeping the past days at four in the morning and it’s really been taking a toll on me. I just feel so hopeless due to insurance issues with NOCD , I no longer have a therapist at the moment but I’m trying my best to find another therapist that’ll accept my insurance, but with Medi-Cal it’s really hard , And the stage and point I’m in at my life currently it was the worst time to be let go and not have much help. I know I have my tools and skills, but it’s different having that one you know, someone understand what I mean, I’ve just been having really poor mental health, and in the night I have been having a really poor sleep and it’s really affecting me because I struggle going to sleep and getting up in the morning, just wondering if anyone is able to help me make a sleeping schedule , Or any encouraging words to keep going anything would be appreciated. I really truly don’t mean to burden anyone on here thank you so much

Right now I'm having trouble with something I did years ago. When I was in my early 20s, I accidentally talked about an interest I wholeheartedly refused to believe wasn't nsfw on my blog where minors followed me. These minors would sometimes like my posts and leave comments and I think one even made a blog regarding this interest. I never reached out or messaged any of them. I've never wanted to harm anyone and I'm asexual/aromantic so I've never thought of anyone in a sexual way, especially not kids. I've had really bad religious guilt around sex in general, so that doesn't help at all either. Eventually I accepted that the interest wasn't completely sfw (I didn't think of it as sexual, but my body does for some reason), so I made a new account and deleted the old one and blocked the minors. I forgot about it for a few years, but one of my favorite YouTubers just got cancelled for being a pedo and now these memories are all coming back. I feel disgusting and like I'm a groomer. I can't stop thinking about how one day someone will come forward and accuse me of being inappropriate or grooming them. I can't stop thinking about how young the minor who made a blog dedicated to the interest was and how I maybe ruined her life forever. I'm currently doing therapy through NOCD and my therapistis great, but I just got triggered so I'm having a hard time right now. I feel sick at the mention of kids, I feel sick around my friends who would maybe hate me if they knew this, I feel sick because this feels like something I'm going to have to carry on my conscious for my whole life. I know I can't ask for reassurance, but I'm just so tired :(

i've been forcing myself to have very graphic intrusive thoughts to make sure i don't react and i feel so scared. also i'm scared if i ever acted on a thought like for example if i'm w a baby what if my mind was like "give the baby a kiss to make sure you don't feel anything" what if i did. wouldn't that be assault? i cannot remmeber for the life of me

Can someone tell me how ERP works and give a particular example of an exposure and how its carried out? i need to know if its in addition to CBT or a part of it or something.

I'm not sure if I'm developing POCD or if I'm just overthinking. It didn't start out this way at first when I was worrying but now I feel deep anxiety and dread just thinking about children. I befriended a 15 year old last year on a Discord server because we had the same obsession and crush on the same fictional character. I thought he was a very chill and fun person to talk to. I didnt know his age until I asked him in the DMs. I'm very much not used to talking to anyone whos underaged as I spend pretty much my entire time talking to people my age and older. I definitely tried to keep things as age appropriate as possible but sometimes he would bring up topics that I wouldn't think were appropriate to talk to between an adult(I'm in my very early 20s) and a 15 year old. I just never put up the boundary of saying that I don't want to talk about it and tried not to get too deep into whatever he brought up and change the topic. I get freaked out and scared that what if I'm having inappropriate conversations with a minor and I'm going to be exposed as a fucking freak who had a weird convo with a child. I definitely frequently point out that hes a minor and I'm not a minor to keep that boundary between us. I'm now scared of being canceled if I ever decide to put myself out there and post my own art. I've had so much body tension and chest tightening to the point I was scared about the possibility of a heart attack.

I can't keep living like this any longer. It's been 4 years. I wasn't like this prior to getting OCD. I was happier and I wasn't overly worried about my thoughts and the things I did in the past. I worry about everything every single day. It really infuriates me and it also makes me really sad. How do I just not only explain this to my parents and that I'm also considering medication?

Pls I beg you help me. It’s been two or threee days that I’m feeling proper proper stressed. Not just the average and usual doubt, these days it has felt proper proper real and it makes me feel sick, I can’t eat, I want to throw up, it’s taking over my whole body. I started feeling better about the doubts “is it love or attachment” and then another hit “maybe I’m with him just for the relationship and I don’t care about him I only care about the relationship”. I’ve made so much reassurance seeking with ChatGPT and some of the things were positive and others not and I felt even worse. Just because I don’t often think consciously about his happiness and I’m with him because I feel so cared for, supported, safe, my inner child comes out and spending time with him is my favorite thing even after a year of long distance. Help me I want to die because of how painful it is

I'm so triggered right now. I'm at the airport and something horrible happened. I'm writing this from the bathroom of the airport. I was sitting and eating, looking ahead, and in front of me passed a "bottom area". They were t*ght leggings, and you could literally see the shape of the bottom. I just saw that and didn't see the whole person, and in that moment I think I found it attractive. At first I thought it was just an adult woman that was a bit short. Then after some context clues I realised that it wasn't an adult. I think I felt arousal down there, but it was before realising it, but it lasted a bit. I don't know if was a groinal response because of stress upon realisation. I'm so triggered and feel like a ****. I'm supposed to go on a trip with friends to have fun but I feel like I can't anymore. I'm seeing triggers everywhere. I'm starting to believe more each time that I'm attracted, that I want those things. After this event happened each time I saw a trigger I felt like I was attracted, like I wanted it, but that's probably a narrative painted up by OCD that making me believe those things too realistically. I passed in front a t**n*g* girl and saw shorts and felt the urge to look down, and I'm afraid that it wasn't the usual compulsive checking to check for a triggering element but because maybe I was attracted. Or this is just OCD highjacking my brain, making believe that. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, my friends are asking why I'm so non-talkative. I didn't want these things to happen. Why do they keep happening? I can't anymore. A b*by is crying and I'm hearing it, and I'm afraid. I'm stuck in the bathroom from more than 15 minutes writing this.

The idea of being pregnant has scared me since as long as I remember. I would intentionally avoid pregnant teachers in the hallway of my elementary school. I am now an adult and sexually active with a partner I am so totally in love with. BUT i am in constant fear of getting pregnant, even when we use protection. I find resentment growing against my partner that he does not have to worry about this and that his body is not at risk or as vulnerable as mine is. When i imagine myself getting pregnant, I immediately resort to ideas of self harm. I believe that suicide would be a better option for me than the eternal trauma of giving birth. Most people picture their ideal birth experiences where the baby is placed on their chest and they sigh a breath of relief and all the pain was worth it. I imagine myself screaming in agony, begging to be put out of my misery, only for the thing that ripped me in half to be put on my chest and fill me with rage. I don’t think I could bear looking at it. the intrusive imagery of me during birth or the baby kicking around inside of me haunts me day to day. I cannot find freedom from this fear and everybody tells me it’s “not that bad.” maybe it isn’t to them, but this is a lifelong fear. I used to want children , but my fear and bodily reactions to the idea of pregnancy only get more severe to the point where i look at a baby and picture its mother screaming in agony. I get angry for the mothers. I know this is not regular and I wish more than anything that I could view pregnancy and having a baby as a blessing or something cool my body can do, but instead, it’s a curse. Regulations on abortion and maybe birth control are only making this worse. I had a psychotic break two weeks back and feel like i am teetering on another one. I want to harm myself or mistreat myself in order to hurt my fertility. Everyday i feel like i am slowly approaching my doom of a painful and traumatic pregnancy and birth. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like im trapped in my enemy’s body. I feel like my body is a traitor. I don’t even know how to describe this to a therapist. Regular talk therapy has not helped this problem over the past four years. I want to beat OCD because i want to be a normal human being who doesn’t want to stab her ovaries or harm herself when she thinks about growing a family. It’s affecting my sex life and my relationship too. I’m so scared.

Sensitive topics (again) 18+ ——————————— I’ve been posting a lot lately and what’s been on my mind. I guess this fear started as something that was less reprehensible, as a kid I used to say a lot of offensive stuff, etc, I was scared I’d get exposed or that those messages would somehow resurface and ruin my career later down the line. I eventually got over that fear, well kind of, except it’s taken a different form. For as long as I’ve been online, I don’t recall ever initiating anything sexual myself, only like once or twice and that was when I was about 13 or 12 but it was with someone my own age. I’ve mentioned before I frequented sites like Omegle a lot and I’d encounter people my age or older adults, since it’s been taken down I no longer use it the same can be said with other websites that are still up. I do remember that sometimes there were kids on there, I remember being annoyed at times and I did lecture them about it before skipping them. My biggest fear now is that someday I’ll be exposed for grooming someone, but I genuinely can’t recall a time I’ve ever done that to anybody online. There was a time when I was younger where I felt extremely awkward even talking dirty or doing anything of the sort, I only started doing that sort of stuff when I was 14 years old, and that was with someone that was about the same age as me. I cringed and didn’t know what to do at times. I even remember being proud that I had never done such a thing to anybody younger than me, I can’t remember anyone and if you asked me to name someone I couldn’t possibly do so, because they (probably) don’t exist. Whenever I lie down and try to remember and sift through my memories I don’t find anything. Yesterday I remembered I spoke to someone on a different site called y99 but it was a friendly conversation. I was 18 then, I still am, just recently turnt. I think he was my age or older? I can’t remember, but my mind’s telling me he was younger? I think he was between 17 or 22 I genuinely can’t remember. At the time I was hesitant showing people my art but since this was a regular conversation I thought it’d be fine. At the time I remember I was worrying about whether or not any nudes I had taken and sent to people might be floating around on the internet without me knowing, so I was cautious and thought “what if somebody recognizes my art if I am successful and they remember that?” My brain’s turning this into something else and telling me that I was really only worried about people finding out I was a sexual predator. I was genuinely worried at that time about pictures of me nude being traced back to my art somehow, but now I’m not so sure about how I felt. I can’t remember if I’ve done something wrong and my mind keeps going back to times I spoke to people two years younger than me, I’m scared I’ve ruined my life already without knowing it. There was a YouTuber a couple of years ago who was called a “groomer” just because he spoke to someone a year or two years younger than him. I just want some certainty, I don’t want to keep attaching different meanings to normal conversations or otherwise. I have no energy to do anything and no motivation to keep moving forward, I think I’m some sort of monster and thinking back to things I did as a child haven’t helped my case. I attempted a couple of days ago but got scared the moment I let go. I was excited to graduate weeks ago, I finally did it, but I couldn’t even enjoy that fully. I don’t know, I think my life is a waste at this point and me getting this far was for nothing, I’ll inevitably get exposed for something I forgot I did and my life will be ruined. I feel selfish for even thinking about myself and only about my life, what about that person’s life that I messed up? I don’t know what’s real anymore, I’m incredibly tired and I just want some closure that I will never get. People tell you to try and deal with the uncertainty but I can’t. I can’t be at peace and I can’t just enjoy life and sit around when I’ve potentially done something wrong. I can’t enjoy life, I can’t fool myself into this false sense of security

Does anyone ever experience this weird thing where ocd makes you feel like “you would have had no control and done this”. Like everything you feel and believe would have gone flying out the window and you would have done something you know you don’t want. Especially when a POTENTIALLY real situation could be happening and it’s not just the thoughts alone. Your brain is like oh this is real life you really would have done this or that. Driving me crazy.

I have such a hard time to describe the feeling of what I call a “dirty space” I don’t always mean physically dirty. Like no there isn’t uni all over the floor all the time, no, there isn’t dust all over. It just feels dirty. In my body and head when I’m there. Like if I touch something there the “bad” feeling is now in me. Or on. I can’t explain it. Especially to people who have no clue about ocd, or anything. I had a meltdown last night because I had to go to a house for a couple of hours, and that place was a dirty space. The thing is, it isn’t dirty. It’s a well kept house. But something about the space just feels wrong? I got home and felt super off, like I physically couldn’t move because I felt the bad on me. I literally stripped out of all my clothes after pacing around crying and trying to shake it all off of me. Then changed. And I just sat there shaking off, rubbing it off, crying, and counting. The only place I felt clean was infront of my piano. So I played for a bit. Till I calmed down. Does anyone else know what i mean by “dirty space” and “bad”??

I’m backtracking hard today. I just got into a spiral because when I was younger I would be aroused watching lesbian kissing videos. I just watched some to test myself and felt like it was a hot video. I don’t think I have a desire to do this in real life, but I feel back to square one right now and am ruminating / testing all over again. I can admit that I think it was hot and that sexuality is a spectrum. But I just can’t stop obsessing about what this means about me today. I feel sick to my stomach!

Recently I’ve been finding it really hard to enjoy moments with my family because I am so worried about them all the time. When I’m with them it’s great and I love spending time with them but I can’t help but worry about all the things that could happen to them at any given moment. These feelings started becoming much stronger after I lost both my grandparents a couple years ago. I have never experienced that kind of grief before. I constantly am thinking about how I am so scared for when they die and I have a hard time accepting that the people I love won’t be around forever. Im scared I won’t survive on my own without them because they are so important to me I worry I will be consumed with the grief. And it’s not like my parents are old and withered they are still relatively young. It’s really distressing to feel that way about family all the time. I don’t think it’s normal to be thinking about this as often as I do but I guess that’s why I am here lol. Anyone else relate?

Ive seen a movie about dementia, and ocd got involved in it. I googled about ocd fear of having dementia cause i was interested if others have this fear too, but i didnt got what i wanted. Instead everywhere i read articles about ocd causes dementia, risks factors, and im questioning if this is true. This is not my main fear, i just developed it now but i know i have a huge health anxiety problem, but bc of this i dont believe in articles like this.

I made a very reckless decision. Last year I went to the movies when my dad tested positive for Covid and I did not even test before I went. Not maliciously at all, I just didn’t even think to since I didn’t feel sick. But I got sick a few days after. I wasn’t gonna go to the movies but my brother wouldn’t stop asking me and I caved in and went, since I wasn’t going to be face to face with anyone and I felt it was low risk. No one sat next to us. I wore a mask of course. But obviously there were still risks. People could have gotten it from touching the door handle that I touched and then touching their face when eating popcorn. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this. I cannot even live with myself. Usually I’m careful when it comes to Covid but not this time. Yes people make mistakes but nobody has made a Covid mistake as bad as this one! I don’t deserve to live.

My brain keeps obsessing over the idea that my mum could develop cancer. My brain keeps saying things like 'move your head twice' or 'tap the floor twice' and it has to feel RIGHT to make sure that she won't. But also all of my compulsions are basically praying until it feels right so when I move my head it's in the direction of the picture of God I have in my house for example, and it feels right. But when I do ERP and delay my compulsions they don't go away, they just come back stronger later in the day like a reminder that I really do have to do this. And if I refuse it's like I'm wasting the opportunity and giving this up, so I'm telling god that I'd be fine with her getting cancer and then she really will. I don't know what to do about this :(

Trigger warning for other members. Strap yourselves in, it’s a lot lol. (Mentions of CSA, abuse, sexual urges, porn) So, growing up my older sibling was abusive, and I don’t remember a whole lot of my childhood looking back on it. Like I have some core memories and some bits and pieces, but I *do* remember that ever since I was very little (like 6 or 7) I had a lot of sexual urges and I’d use whatever devices I had access to so I could take nude photos of myself. I now know this isn’t a normal behavior for a child. At age 9 I do remember walking downstairs and finding my older sibling sexually abusing my younger sibling and I remember screaming and calling my mom to tell her and crying a lot. (My mom believed me, and my parents are great parents, that’s not an issue here). I was on the internet a lot as a child and was exposed to porn at a young age. I was groomed by the internet and I struggled with porn use for a while, starting at around ages 11-13? I’m not sure. I stopped watching it at some point before dating my now boyfriend. I keep having nightmares about everything, I don’t know if it’s my OCD either but I keep thinking back on my childhood and my sexual behaviors and then I get anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I am thinking I may have been SA’d as a child by my older sibling, but I have zero memory of it, *if* it occurred. I’m just realizing, man… the things I went through as a kid really weren’t normal, especially my behaviors. And now I’m like, convincing myself I’m a cheater or something or that I’m a gross, horrible person for having intrusive thoughts like this. I keep thinking the reason why I’m getting intrusive thoughts isn’t because I have OCD but it’s because I’m actually a terrible person and need to confess it to someone. Or I need to self-sabotage. I’m staying with my long-distance boyfriend (and the love of my life) for a couple weeks so I’m thinking maybe the change in environment could also be triggering me a bit. I’ve been enjoying my time with him, I just keep having moments of anxiety every day and it’s bothering me, especially when I realize I’m gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I keep thinking it’s my fault. Me and my boyfriend were making out and my OCD was like “are you using him?” and things along those lines. I’m scared of going further with intimacy because I’m scared of “using” him. Does anybody relate to any of this? I’d like to know I’m not alone. I keep waking up with my heart racing. It’s almost 7am and I’m tired but I can’t fall back asleep. I might try to in a bit, but yeah. I *just* met my bf’s family during this trip and I love them and they love me so that makes me so happy. I’m also feeling like I absolutely do not deserve any of this. But yeah. Thank you for reading my convoluted rant.