We are the faces of OCD

Kind of a vent, thank you if you read all the way through. It feels like every time a new chapter of my life opens up or is on the horizon, my OCD flares up so bad. I get imposter syndrome, I get the urge to confess, self-sabotage, ruminate, etc. I’m moving in with my boyfriend’s family soon. Me and him are long-distance (14 hours away from each other), and this move means we will be able to get married sooner. I am SO excited! … but I also have ROCD soooo bad. My OCD tries to convince me I’m a liar, I’m an imposter, I don’t deserve him, “what if I cheated on him and can’t remember?”, etc. and it’s miserable it eats me up. It feels like lately I’m having 1 good day and then 3 bad days, over and over again. Me and him just met in person for the first time this year (in June actually) after knowing each other 4 years and being together for 2. I have also had some other life changes, family drama, and now moving on top of all of that, I can’t help but wonder if change *itself* is triggering my OCD. I stayed with my boyfriend and his family for a month, and I loved it! My OCD was bad maybe the first week I was there, and it flared here and there, but I was able to cope and I felt so hopeful. It was really nice being around his family a lot, his siblings and parents are really fun to be around and my OCD is much better when I’m around people. Now, I’ve been home for almost a month, and throughout the past month I’ve been so anxious on and off with OCD flares. I got home, and then the next day my mom went out of state for about 2 weeks and I was home completely alone. Going from always being around people and talking to them, to being home completely alone and sleeping alone, it drove me crazy. I am also thinking of my future and I’m simultaneously excited and terrified. I’m so scared for when me and my boyfriend get married and eventually have children, I want kids so bad, but I’m scared because I have to be off my meds (Clomipramine) during pregnancy. I’m afraid that if I can barely cope *now* while I’m medicated, how the heck will I cope when I’m pregnant and unmedicated for 9 months? It’s just so many thoughts roll in and my OCD and anxiety takes over and I’m so sick of being so overwhelmed all the time. I’m so sick of feeling knots in my stomach for not confessing or ruminating. Please, does anybody relate?

Is anyone’s OCD just a 1,000 times worse in the night? To where you’ve convinced yourself (especially if you wake up between 3-5 am)that you’re completely a different person than who you want to be? Sometimes I’m scared it’s like psychosis or something because of how intense the thoughts and feelings are.. Has anyone else felt this way? Is this a symptom of medication wearing off in the night??

Has anyone tried daily affirmations for self-compassion? I read that self-compassion is really important in OCD recovery, so I wonder if daily affirmations would be helpful. Of course, there could be a fine line before it crosses into compulsion territory. Any tips?

Do you find it helps or hurts your OCD? I’m coming to realize it worsen my symptoms particularly if I consume it during the day as it also can affect my sleep which is terrible for my OCD.

I can't deal with these thoughts anymore I'm so scared its all the time every day. It's gotten to the point where the anxiety is gone and I keep on getting thoughts that say maybe I will do it. I can't do this it's so fucking scary I don't know if I can handle it until my therapy appointment on Monday

I love my son more than anything. Just writing that's making me tear up from guilt of these violent thoughts. Everyday for the last 2 weeks I cry. I don't want to move from my couch. He's 6 and he looks up to me and is always around me and I feel so guilty from these thoughts I want to avoid him but I can't. I feel guilty whenever a happy thought comes up or when I do anything I like. The ocd tells me why r u doing anything you enjoy remember what you were thinking earlier. My brain is constantly ruminating this specific scenario it's conjured up that makes me frozen. As soon as I wake up the thoughts start and never end. its a struggle to get ready for work and even go home or go to the gym all things I love. I haven't hidden knives around my house because I think I'm giving in if I do. I know coming on here is a compulsion but I can't help it today. I'm ready to just runaway but something in me keeps me from leaving the family I love so much. I'll get through this but had to write it out

Idk what to do right now I'm really freaking out I really want a relationship with God and Jesus and the holy Spirit, but I'm struggling my ocd and whatever I'm going through is destroying my faith, I really want the holy Spirit to transform me, but everytime I notice the holy Spirit I get resisting and want to push him away idk what to do anymore. I'm starting to become cynical towards faith and I'm really freaking out and idk what to do I don't want to be abandoned by God

My psych just upped my Prozac about a week ago… having some wild side effects. I responded to it really well at a lower dose, so I’m hopeful it will get better! Have any of yall experienced side effects like increased intrusive thoughts, but less emotional responses? General muscle weakness and just feeling bleh? How long did that last for you?

Hey y’all! I’m new to the app and to the NOCD community. I have been reading other people’s posts on this little forum. It has mostly been comforting to see that I’m not alone. However, I feel like I stepped into another spiral by doing so. I’ve been reading people’s posts with SO-OCD. I’m a lesbian. I have a long-term girlfriend. I feel very confident in my sexuality and in our relationship. BUT, these posts have me doubting everything and my whole identity.I don’t even know why I looked, but I regret it. I suddenly feel so much shame for being a lesbian after reading about other people’s shame with same-sex attraction. I’m also feeling like “what if I’m not actually gay, and I’ve just been giving into SO-OCD”? I’m also feeling overwhelmed with religious guilt even though I walked away from the church years ago. I actually feel sick to my stomach. I’m not here to make light of anyone’s experiences with SO-OCD. I just want to feel normal. Does any of the other queer OCD population struggle with this too?

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.

Anybody else use their lack of sexual history as a way for OCD to use as evidence? I just start remembering all the times I could have had sex but didn’t. I also had a HUGE porn addiction that made it so difficult to function. I remember that I was always afraid of having sex with anyone other than my ex because I was emotionally abused and I felt like if she found out, she would get mad and at the time, that would break me. I’d always overthink about sex and what could happen if It happened at that moment. My mind would fill with questions and I just would end up saying I rather not have any sex. My therapist believed I could have shown signs of OCD early on. I believe that’s what’s happened then and now. I don’t like guys romantically and I love getting excited for a woman. I love that feeling of seeing a pretty girl and getting the chance to know her. It makes my heart so happy. But I would do everything I can to avoid speaking with a guy, even if he was not conventionally attractive. Porn makes me feel like I could turn gay since I watched it so much. I’ve lost interest in watching porn which is a good thing but now ocd is like “oh you don’t get turned on by porn anymore, and those videos had girls in it so that must mean you don’t like girls anymore.” Like how stupid is that. I also saw on Reddit and Quora that people were saying porn can change your attraction/make you lose interest in girls. I know Quora and Reddit are OCD’s best ways at scaring you and these forums are never to be taken seriously, but man does it trigger you. Anyways if you made it this far, thank you. I’m just overthinking a lot today

Hi guys! Hope everyone is having a beautiful week. I did therapy with a therapist on here and it helped me hugely, I had next to no OCD symptoms for almost 8 months, but recently it’s been flaring up again. I am much better at handling intrusive thoughts and going on with my day but I just have this huge fear of it getting as bad as it was last year. I was unable to get out of bed for 3 months because the intrusive thoughts were so debilitating. I never went to feel that way again. Does anyone have tips on how they deal with OCD flare ups and how they bring themselves back down to a happy medium? Thank you all 🤍

I'm so so hungry but my house is disgusting. My mom cooks our food but the problem is she takes her phone in the restroom with her and every time she cooks she facetime my sister. the other day I watched her wipe the floor with a tissue, leave the bathroom, and come into the dining area to check the time on her phone, which means she touched it because she was in a rush. I hardly eat as is and I don't want to feel disgusting, what should I do?

I think that basically the thought right now is a fear of being alone both physically/literally and philosophically. It feels like an excess of awareness that I am an individual, I am me and only her, always and forever. And who am I? Can I trust myself? Am I 'trapped' inside myself? Anyway, a lot of thoughts about self-worth and identity. Then I get scared of not being able to trust myself, of depending on myself to do things from the most basic like brushing my teeth to, I don't know, working and supporting myself, controlling myself, etc... and then I feel scared of going crazy because I don't think these thoughts are normal and that makes me feel even more alone, even less connected to others.

i’m so stressed. so i showered and i usually open the door from the top bc i don’t like touching the doorknob of the bathroom as i’ve touched it w dirty hands before and it’s the bathroom so it’s just contaminated to me. i showered like 30 min ago but all i can think about is if i touched the doorknob to open the door bc i don’t remember. but i feel like if i did i woulda automatically notcied bc i never do. uhhhh idk whay to do i touched a lot of stuff and i’m in bed rn.

Does anyone take sleeping aids to help with sleep? Does it affect your OCD?

I just started dating this guy not too many months ago. he is everything i ever wanted and he treats me right. but now my OCD intrusive thoughts are creeping back in. ones like “do i love him/like him” and like “i have to tell him im having these horrible OCD thoughts or we will never know how i truly feel.” but i know i love/like him. And sometimes I’ll be having a good day and then BAM, the thoughts smack me in the face and i get stuck in an anxious loop and it ruins my mood. how can i break this compulsion without feeling so anxious and do i tell him i’m having these thoughts to relieve the anxiety?

Hey everyone, I’m about 4-5 months into my OCD recovery now and feeling a lot better overall. I’ve been thinking about a bunch of stuff lately, and one thing that keeps coming up is coffee. I used to be convinced that coffee made my anxiety and intrusive thoughts worse, but now I’m wondering if that was just another one of OCD’s tricks. I’m really thinking about giving coffee another go because, honestly, my work days can be so draining, and I feel like I could really use that caffeine boost again! 😂 But I’m still a bit on the fence and wanted to hear your experiences. Have any of you noticed if caffeine actually affects your OCD or anxiety? Does it make things worse for you, or have you found it doesn’t really have much of an impact? Would love to get your opinions! Thanks!

I've seen numerous posts about changing themes and introducing new ones. Could it be that these categories are merely artificial constructs we've created to impose order on a disorder that isn't truly related to the themes themselves? It seems like they might provide a misleading framework for addressing issues and could potentially confine both patients and caregivers to a limited perspective. What are your thoughts on this?

I’m starting to feel like recovery is not possible. I want to love my boyfriend again. I want to be with him forever. The pain in my chest is becoming unbearable. The headache I have everyday is becoming unbearably exhausting. Losing this relationship will be the biggest regret of my life but I’m also scared that staying will be the biggest regret of my life.