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does someone familiar with SO-OCD wanna have a chat?? i'm in a bit of a hard position and just want to talk to someone.

I’m just here to vent a little and hopefully I can get some advice… My brother recently out his dog up for adoption that has been in the family for 6 years. I’m a wreck and I can’t stop picturing him in a shelter all alone, I feel heartbroken and im going down there first thing in the morning and gonna adopt him myself. I’m praying I can get to him but I’m also terrified of taking care of another living thing. I’m damn near 30 and I feel worried that I can’t give him everything he deserves because I’m an anxious wreck all the time but I also know that no one can love him as much as me. How do I get over this awful feeling of worry and anxiety running through my body? Leave him in the shelter is not a choice , I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life and I love him too damn much. Am I crazy or do others feel this way about having this much responsibility over anther living thing :/

Hi everyone! I am a 22 year old AFAB nonbinary person from California, and I wanted to come on here and ask about people’s experiences with OCD surrounding taking testosterone and being trans/LGBTQIA/nonbinary. I am not talking about doubting identity but more so doubting whether taking testosterone is the “right” choice or whether the changes you might get are what you “truly” want. I would really love to hear from folks who also identify as nonbinary as I feel that nonbinary folks have a unique experience with taking hormones due to not being a binary trans person. I would definitely love to hear from anyone who identifies as trans or nonbinary, but I think that my experience with hormones is different since I know I don’t want to look or sound or feel like a full masculine person or man. For me, this means I am on a lower than normal dose of T right now, and I also don’t believe I plan on taking it longer than a few months or at least until I get my desired results. I want to be very androgynous, and I keep getting a bunch of intrusive thoughts about waking up and having all these drastic changes to my body and self to the point that I won’t recognize myself anymore. I know this is irrational and definitely attacking the fact that this is a huge decision to make to go on hormones, but I just feel like I haven’t seen this representation yet in both the trans and OCD communities. Again, please feel free to share any type of experience you have whether you are a nonbinary or binary trans person!

I keep feeling bad that I didn’t find my partner that cute at first. I didn’t think he was unattractive but when I first met him it was at work and him and this other guy were new. I thought the other guy was more attractive at the time. I even vocalized it to a friend. NOW my boyfriend is my whole world and I think he’s the most handsome man ever. Even more handsome than the guy I originally thought was cute. I don’t have a problem with his appearance or anything. I just feel guilty over not finding him more attractive than the other guy. It feels wrong and of course my thoughts are saying I should tell him this but I know it’ll just hurt his feelings.

Is this my life now? A loop of fears and panic? Freshman year.. two years ago is when all this started. When I began my journey with this debilitating and scary disorder. For a while I felt like everything was okay. Like things were getting better. But tonight it’s getting so bad. I’m shaking, the thoughts are literally making my body enter fight or flight. The feelings.. the thoughts it all feels so real. It makes me question every aspect of who I am.. Is this forever? Will this be my life? If it is, that sounds like pain.. I constantly check myself.. which ain’t realize might be a compulsion. But I wonder, am I lying to myself? But then again I wouldn’t fear it so much if what I felt was true. I try to stay calm, to not fight the thought but let it pass. But it only grows in power. It’s been giving me these fake feelings. Things in which i’d never felt before. I just want to be okay. And I wonder if that’s even possible anymore. All I know is that I have my family, my Mom, everyone who loves me dearly. Please anyone… I don’t want to beg but if you could give me some motivation or positive words i’d love that.

i literally cannot do anything bc of this ocd. i want to watch tiktok but i can’t bc i’m so paranoid that i will repost something by accident, especially something that could be inappropriate. i’m also scared if i like something on tiktok by accident or if i liked it and now i need to check it 100x. i just want to watch tiktok. it’s also on instagram too, i’m so paranoid that i will like a post or like a story. i’m so tired i just wanna be a teenage girl who can use social media normally.

So I have posted here before about this topic. I feel so ashamed so angry but I feel it is my ocd … so from time to time me and my psychologist will talk about different diagnoses ( like if it’s almost time to end our session) because psychologist and like the dsm manual and all these diagnoses are so fascinating to learn about but I feel like I want a “new diagnosis “ and I don’t understand why I feel like I get a high off of it and excited that there’s something “wrong” with me…the last time I posted this someone said maybe it’s because you feel seen and heard and maybe that’s the case but now I just feel like my brain wants me to stack up the diagnoses like tokens … when having this thought I’m very careful of telling it to anyone or even asking hey could I have “so and so diagnosis “ because I don’t want to be seen as an attention seeker because I am not I don’t know were the want or “need” for a diagnosis comes from I just feel it goes beyond so much more than being seen or heard … but what if someone knew my true thoughts would they think I’m attention seeking from now on and not give me any diagnosis or even listen now to what I have to say because they already think I’m doing it for attention or acting that way for attention and even if it is a genuine diagnosis what if I made up enough symptoms I have a diagnosis of something but it’s actually “fake” I don’t know why I’m doing this please help and please don’t stop believing me

i made a similar post, but I didn’t really get helpful responses. also I’m not diagnosed and can’t get diagnosed , but the past two days I’ve been spiraling and I have constant anxiety. I feel contaminated and like I keep having actions replay in my head and I see images of terrible things and I just feel gross. also like I can’t do anything alone or else I’m afraid that I might end up doing something wrong. so then every action I do has to be in from of other people so I can make sure I didn’t do anything crazy. any time I’m alone and I go about my day later on I always get these thoughts and what I’m pretty sure is false event ocd and I’m stressing so much.

Why everything I was once is gone? I had goals, I always been such an empathic and good person, I had so many plans in life and since ocd came to my life everything is gone, ocd has ruined everything in my life, I can’t see to find myself anymore. I hate my brain for making me think that I’m a bad person when I know I’m not. OCD really took everything away from me. I already have a lot in my plate for me to be dealing with this, it’s so unfair. I have never had it easy and now when my life was starting to get better I get OCD:(

I’ve been EXTREMELY worried recently about associating things/ loved ones/ my own body even with the negative emotions, people, etc that my ocd is currently making me feel like I have to avoid. This is causing me to CONSTANTLY think about these negative things and CONSTANTLY repeat compulsions if the negative thought or the thought of associating the thought with the action/ thing comes into my mind. Like I’ll be doing something as simple as showering and get worried that I’ll associate/ contaminate my own body with the thing/ person that terrifies me. So I’ll have to shower again. Is this normal? How can I stop it?? And will I ever be able to un- associate something with the negativity?

I've been going hard at ERP the past three weeks to deal with SOOCD, specifically as a female that is in a long term relationship with a male. I see a lot of people struggling, I am still struggling, too, but I've really been putting trust in the ERP process the past three weeks and I can see how ERP works. When you're going through the motions of ERP, you really won't see the point until you do. It's very much a trust the process therapy. Until you really commit to saying "maybe, maybe not" each time you think you're turning the non-preferred sexual orientation, each time you try to rationalize with yourself, each time you try to reach for certainty irregardless if it's trying to accept the sexuality your SOOCD is based on or if you're desperately trying to remind yourself of the sexuality you know yourself to be, you are not going to see why ERP works. Here's what ERP looked like for me today for five hours: I watch a video that triggers me like a late bloomer lesbian explaining things she did before she realized she was actually just a lesbian. ---> I get the urge to think and analyze if it applies to me and my past and present because I obviously don't want to be lesbian, but if I am, I don't want to continue leading my boyfriend on. ---> It feels like I really OUGHT to take this insight seriously and maybe I do give in a little and start analyzing past relationships and find that it does apply to me somewhat. ---> I get anxious and start thinking I'm realizing something and turning lesbian. ---> I tell myself "maybe, maybe not". ---> I start rationalizing and analyzing again without any effort because I very much still feel like I need to figure this out RIGHT NOW. ---> As soon as I catch myself doing it, I say "maybe, maybe not," and stop the train of rationalization and analysis in its track. ---> But this feels like denial, I NEED TO ADDRESS the information right now otherwise I'll be in denial! ---> MAYBE, MAYBE NOT ---> Continue working, go sit with my family, or play with my cat all while being uncomfortable and repeating "maybe, maybe not" everytime I feel like I'm turning lesbian or I try to rationalize why I am not. You must stop reaching for certainty! I eventually calmed down and facetimed my boyfriend and it was a lovely time.

Something very traumatic happened in my life. I’ve actually had several very traumatic events, and years living in survival mode. I’ve spent the last five, almost six years in depersonalization and derealization. But a few months ago something very traumatic happened and I lost a lot of my friends, and a lot of things important to me. On top of this I live with my narcissistic parents who were trying to do everything to keep me from continuing to work to pave my road to independence. They were saying to take my time and mourn the loss, which is crazy because part of the reason of that traumatic event is that they tried to sabotage me. My dad threatened “if you don’t get your attitude right there will be consequences I don’t care how old you are.” I’m a young adult , I still live with my parents. They’ve made it nearly impossible for me to become independent. My “attitude” is nothing more than me trying to gain independence and maybe having a ‘slightly’ different opinion than him. I used to be able to rest at home after I came back from work. Now I’m 24-7 on edge. I have to act happy 24-7 and I can’t sleep at night. It’s 24-7 constant hell. I have no friends and no contacts. My dad has never been violent just to clarify but he’s terrifying because he still has control over me. I work two jobs right now. I’m doing it to help me pay for a car. But he’s trying to do everything he can to keep me from this. And ever since this traumatic event I can barely focus on anything I’m in a constant state of panic and fear. Before the event, I was doing really well at work and I had my plans all coming together. I could go to work, come home and rest. Now with work, I work twice as hard to focus but I’m half as focused even when I put in more effort. I am desperate. I will do anything to get out of this state of panic and get my focus back. I have to perform well at work to gain my independence. But the more worried I get, the more panicked I get. 24-7 I’m worried what is my dad going to do if I have the slightest “attitude” which he basically considers not pretending to be happy 24-7 and not laughing at every one of his jokes. He doesn’t even have a job he just stays home and basically annoys and tortures everybody and than tells us how terrible we are and tells us how we should be happier and how we’re terrible people and we all have to pretend like we think he’s a great person even though he literally does nothing. But anyway, I’m frozen in fear. I want to learn to compartmentalize. Before this traumatic event I could do this. Even though I lived with toxic parents I did my work for the day, I said “yes ma’am and yes sir” and showed respect then I went in my room, locked the door and I was done for the day. But now after this trauma I am in constant fear. Plus after my dad’s threat “there will be consequences,” I feel like I can’t relax even in my own home. Please help I need to compartmentalize what’s happening so I can rest at the end of the day. I don’t know what to do. I have to be able to focus at work instead of constantly being panicked. I read stuff that you need to do anything to escape a narcissist. Which is what I’m trying to do but I feel like the more I try to escape the more panicked I become so the less I can actually work because I’m just in a constant state of panic. I used to, before this even, just take it like one step at a time, one day at a time. I took independence one step at a time as well. And I think because of this I was actually on a trajectory to gain independence faster because I could actually focus on stuff. Now I’m just panicked because of my dad’s threats I feel like I have to escape. My mind keeps saying “I have to escape I have to escape.” But the more I try to escape the more panicked I become the less I can focus and paradoxically the less I can actually escape. Any one know what to do about this? It’s like the more pressure I put on myself the less I can actually function? Please any advice will help I’m desperate. This is a hellish way to live. I’m just begging for any relief from this hell. But I will not give up no matter what. I just need some advice on how to compartmentalize so I can some rest and some sleep.

im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.

Has anyone been prescribed Escitalopram for their OCD? And if so what was your experience like. I just got into my 2nd week of it and got bumped up to 20mg. Today has been weird because my anxiety is gone which has been for a bit but the thoughts seem stronger today especially the Harm related ones. Almost like commands now. Can anyone relate?

Does anyone else just feel “weird” most of the time? Like interacting with others and being all smiley and laughing while having this horrible thoughts in my head at the same time, it feels like I’m a fraud or some kind of master manipulator. Plus just feeling off - like still a feeling that things aren’t okay even if you don’t have the thoughts active in your mind. Just feel like they’re lurking in the background and will pounce at my moment. Also with my harm thoughts, I often question whether I want them or not. Like I’ll even think “yeah, I’m going to act on this” or “I want to do this,” and I don’t really feel anxiety anymore. Just more of an emptiness. Then I think I would like to act on them and I wouldn’t care if I did, even though my past self (I’m 32 now - was diagnosed with OCD at 15) has never done any sort of harm to another living being. I would describe myself as kind and empathetic. Still, feeling like my core self has changed in some way. And being around the people I love sometimes doesn’t bring me any joy, and instead just an empty feeling or annoyance - which just adds more fuel to the fire in regards to my thoughts. Plus there’s an overall sense of frustration too. Like do I feel frustration that I’m not acting on these thoughts, like I’m just holding myself back, or just frustration of all that is going on in my head. What keeps me from not acting on these things? I know it’s my personality and my values, but at times they feel so real that it feels inevitable that I will just snap and act out in a harmful way. Like I won’t get better unless I act on them and my mind saying “just do it, it will be freeing,” , which I know deep down isn’t true and would cause much bigger issues. It would destroy my life. I do know I hate feeling this way overall and want to go back to a time where I didn’t have to wonder about my identity and who I want to be as a person. Not feeling peace and happiness in my usual comfort place (my own home) or being around the people I love. Tired of the doubt and questioning. Thank you to all who read all of this and relates, even if just a little. It means a lot to know I’m not alone.

I've never had COVID until now. I've tried so hard to avoid it. My family all got it first and I have a baby. We stayed away from the others as much as possible, even had my husband and other kid stay somewhere else, but it was too late and the baby got it and I had to take him to the ER for a 106 fever, and then I got sick from him and I am very sick, and I know the virus is everywhere in, on, and around me, and I don't know how I will ever survive knowing I can't possibly get rid of it from everything. I had to go to the ER for heart symptoms from my illness and they did lots of tests but I'm just very sick. I bet my anxiety was giving me heart palpitations. This really feels like my worst nightmare. Even after I'm better, how can I disinfectant every single thing, the carpets, my baby's stuff, so I'm not worried about infecting other people or even about just having the virus on me? I know it can't make me sick again but it's the contamination that kills me.

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Big hugs! Remember that you can do hard things! Don’t listen to the lies!

i’ve been doing so much better sometimes i forget i even have ocd and then it comes right back to remind me in new ways

How do you guys deal with it? When it has to do with a self harm theme it’s so so confusing and debilitating. It’s like someone else is in the drivers seat of your brain and you’re going against what it wants but it’s painful to do so. It genuinely feels like I want to. Even though I didn’t want to at all before this one thought and I have no reason to. Then I always spiral wondering how and why and if it’s even ocd or if I need to go get help. So exhausting. These thoughts/ feelings and urges are coming in first person and it feels like I’m intentionally thinking them or they’re my genuine feelings.