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the NOCD Community

What meds/doses are you guys on and have they alleviated distress for you?

im not getting that many intrusive thoughts but i am still thinking about it and googling. basically today i had a phone call therapy thing arranging for therapy in two weeks, she said i needed to make a diary of any thoughts and feelings i had for the next two weeks. so this appointment thing led me to think my ocd was fake so i slept because i didn’t want to think about it any more and then i googled for 2 hours. but now im like what happens if i did this on purpose just so i have something to write in my diary and i am manipulating my symptoms, i have done so much googling that what happens if i have just taken these symptoms as my own im so stressed. i’m scared that the ocd is fake, i might not be that bad for the next few weeks and then that means my theme is real, i haven’t been completely obsessing about it for a few days, does that mean it’s real? can ocd temporarily go when you are really stressed about other things like school work? i know for some people that makes it worse but for me it comes back worse when i have nothing to think about and am not very busy

i always want to watch new tv shows and lately especially i’ve been getting triggered by a lot of them. anyone else experience this? it gets to the point that i feel like i can’t continue watching the show or i’m doing something wrong, even if i enjoy it/want to continue watching. i recently started watching the menéndez brothers documentary on netflix and i’m intrigued and want to watch the rest but then my brain tells me i’m enjoying it for entertainment purposes or “profiting” off of someone’s trauma or awful experience. i’m more so interested in the case and watching the court experience but i fear i won’t be able to finish it now. anyone else have this issue?

Has anyone switched therapist before? How did that conversation go? I really like my current therapist, but my psychiatrist got me into a OCD center at one of the top hospitals in the country. Now I have to tell my current therapist that I can no longer work with them. Looking for advice on how to handle this conversation.

Everything I’ve ever used to tell myself that there’s no intent, is now backfiring on me. Today it felt like my brain was fantasizing and enjoying the thoughts of murder I now have towards loved ones on a daily basis. What is the difference between HI and this?

Hey everyone. I’ve noticed after starting NOCD I’ve become aware of just how “bad” I am regarding my mental health. Triggers and obsessions I never was aware of. I feel like before therapy I managed my day with a big blanket of denial. Now the cover is off and I see all my OCD and feel broken. Much worse than I thought I was. Did anyone else get worse before getting better? I feel like I’m obsessed now with OCD. Irony :(

Any recommendations for books to read regarding OCD?

And now someone has triggered me and said that my intrusive fears 100% did happen... im so triggered... I want to honestly cease to exist... I want everything to end... Im so triggered...

My boyfriend kust told me that I’m putting us througj hell. My rocd is finally kust ruining everythimg I fucking hate mydelf I cant fo tjis anymroe Who do I go to? All my relationships are gone now

I try and read/post on this message board at least every now and then as a way to feel connected to people in the OCD community, and to offer whatever kind of advice my experience has taught me, because I don’t think any human should have to struggle with OCD. I wanted to share that since starting clomipramine, my symptoms have become a lot less severe. I was hesitant to try this medication even though my dr has suggested it because it’s an older antidepressant, so it comes with more side effects. For me, that’s been issues urinating and when I first started a really odd feeling when I yawned (like, the heck?). And then a specific spinal reflex that is not appropriate to mention was physically impossible for about a month, but I’ve regained some ability there…. But the side effects for me are 100% worth it given how much it’s helped me. I can walk away from obsessive thoughts / behaviors without going nuts or having to perform some other ritual just to walk away lol. I can put thoughts out of my mind more easily, let them go, and move on. It’s like a switch. I still struggle, but I still don’t think the medicine is fully effective just yet, and I just have a lot more hope for the potential of a normal life now. Or like, a functional one at the least. So if you’re currently out of luck and haven’t tried this medicine yet, I recommend giving it a shot. I take 75mg right now and think I may need to increase some, but even now it’s helping so much. Don’t let dosage increases scare you, the side effects will taper back down… I hope this helps someone.

Since two days ago, I’ve had this new theme spiraling in my head. I have two cats and I recently just had a fear of getting r*bies (I’m scared to type it). It’s stupid, I know. I haven’t been scratched, bitten or anything of that sort, but I’m terrified that I could get it or that I have it, even though nothing happened. My cats are indoor, and we they are two years old, we are going to get them their shots soon (they had been up to date when we got them, but it’s been about a year). There’s no animals or anything and we don’t let them outside but there’s still that ‘what if.’ I don’t want to touch my cats and I’ve been monitoring myself every second I can. I wash my hands a lot more and I have such extreme anxiety and sensations that I can’t sleep at night (which worsens my anxiety because that’s a symptom of it.) please if anyone can help me or has gone through this, how can I calm down from this?😖😖

Does anyone experience delusional type thoughts? Like you know deep down you don’t believe them, but you still feel such anxiety about them or keep thinking them you think you might actually believe them or think them true? For example, my main theme is harm related and is usually always towards my mom. We have a very close relationship and I consider her my best friend. A few months ago, I had the thoughts “what if my mom tries to hurt me?” Or “what if my mom is secretly a serial killer and I’m unaware of it?” Those thoughts caused me intense anxiety, where I even had the urge to barricade my door thinking she might come in to hurt me or call the cops on her. I of course never did those things, but the panic I felt at those thoughts and the wanting to flee or do something about them was intense. My mom is one of the kindest people on this planet who loves me dearly. I shared all of this with her and she knows I have OCD, so she understands. It went away for a few months, but yesterday went back into therapy and was telling what types of thoughts I have had before and after I mentioned these specific ones, I believe they kind of “re-triggered” for me. Now I’m ruminating on them again, even though I haven’t had them for several weeks. I guess my main concern is thinking these types of thoughts are too bizarre for OCD and actually a sign of something else, like Schizo or Psychosis. A fear I’m going crazy and going to lose control. I’m concerned I will actually believe these thoughts 100% and hurt my mom in some kind of act to protect myself. It sounds crazy writing all of this and again, I know deep down I don’t believe these things (although I then doubt if I actually do or not lol), but OCD makes everything seem so real and true sometimes. It will truly make you obsess about anything. Thank you for reading all of this! I really needed to vent.

I have been having horrible anxiety and can’t sleep or rest. Do any have suggestions for getting rest while dealing with this.

Im not sure if this makes sense or is very common as i have never read or heard about anyone experiencing this. Ill try to give brief summary about whats going on. About 2 months ago i began to be super anxious about a medication i may start thats unrelated to mental health but has the possibility to cause sexual side effects such as low libido and ED. I have not actually started the medication, am 20 years old, have high testosterone, high muscle mass, lift weights 5x a week, sleep decently (besides anxiety), eat well, and have always had a HIGH libido, sometimes too high in my opinion. After beginning to worry so much about sexual side effects i think i actually gave myself a bit of psych ED even though i didnt switch a single thing in my life, thats thankfully gone away and ive told myself its psychological and because im worrying, but now i find myself having lower libido. Im constantly analyzing my sexual feelings and and still terrified of ED and libido stuff and i think its been making me want to be avoidant of anything related to sex. This mixed with ROCD and other anxieties has not been amazing. I think me worrying about libido and ED has caused damage to this area of my life and i dont really know how to get out of it. Please let me know if anyone has had any similar experiences.

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.

I didnt wanted to post about this but it makes me really sad right now. This post will be about Christianity so if you believe in something else dont read it cause i will mention things that might trigger you. Im struggling with my faith right now and i feel like christianity might be the same like other religions and beliefs. I wont come with the "if theres a God prove it, i want Him to show up" thats ignorant, but i think about some things that keeps me stuck. Before christianity i was really desperate to find the meaning of life so i read about spirituality. Alot of people believe in that and live a peaceful life, cause that thinking makes you have positive behaviours cause they found a meaning. We say other religions are false things but then we say ours is true cause "we feel like its true". So its all about how you feel. Back then i just couldnt relate to spirituality and i found people who were liars and strange people, but we know christians can be that too, so i left spirituality cause it didnt made me feel good. But maybe if i wouldve stayed there and learn more, it generates the same feeling as i have now towards God and now i would say thats the truth cause i feel at peace and that im loved. Many spiritual people feel that, without christian beliefs. Non believers too realized a long time ago that self love is so important. So the problem is that i can never explain why do i believe, i always say "cause i feel that its real" well, if i would be so desperate to pray to a cat God and make myself believe everything I have is from that cat i would feel like its true. So my faith is about how i feel... which can be easily manipulated. And many times people said to me "its just a view, it makes you happy cause youre afraid that life doesnt bavw a meaning" and now i kinda feel like it can be true. Many will say faith is relational, but i can make that relation to anything, as is said if i think theres a big cat somewhere who loves me it can become relational... and then where all this ends it sounds like well God is with us but he doesnt do anything to intervene, you might now feel Him, we dont have any evidence, in the end of the day you just have to trust theres someone who will give you something after this horrible life. And that sounds like you want to give meaning to life. Maybe i didnt got the answers from the best christians, but it sounds to me like you jjst have to trust theres someone out there, and that belief will make you happier... But its the same with every other religion tho... Native americans believed in many Gods and it gave them meaning and a happy peacefull life. But we say thats false... why? Isnt our belief the same? I hope i get some loving anwers, cause im not trying to ruin anyones belief, im just struggling with my faith.

I really just need to vent. I recently had a relapse and while some days it seems like I’m feeling better, others are so difficult. Today, I’m breaking down at work in the bathroom and I feel so awful about that. Aside from the really scary thoughts I’m having about my health and my family members, I’m starting to feel really hopeless about the future. Like I’m never going to get better and that I’m going to get stuck in this ocd cycle forever. I know that’s not true because I’ve been able to make progress before, but the desperation and frustration that comes with a relapse make it so hard to remember that. I started medication and it’s only been about 3 days but I’m really scared that it’s not going to work or that I’m going to have to go through a lot of trial and error. I just really need to hear from people who have worked through their health ocd. I need hope.

I experience a few different sup-types… I would say introspectively the most noticeable is Somatic OCD followed by Harm and Contamination. I have been in therapy for 11/12 years… pretty consistently. I heard about this app through some ads, and some friends and family started suggesting I try it. This is my first time using it. I previously did not realize I had OCD. At some point when I was around 16 I thought OCD could be the thing I was experiencing. The understanding of OCD in my general circle of people was limited. When I introduced the possibility of having OCD to others, I was met with the idea that I could not have OCD because I had always been disorganized and “messy”. Otherwise, I was introduced to the concept of “Pure” OCD- which wasn’t entirely fitting for me. I didn’t know, until today, that Somatic OCD was the word for what I was experiencing… along with a few other subtypes that I learned about today. Within the past couple of years I’ve come to realize that I experience symptoms of OCD. I have also come to realize that there is a strong pattern of a variety of OCD subtypes on the paternal side of my family. On the maternal side there is (sparse, compared to paternal side) history of Hoarding Disorder- which I know the DSM now classifies as its own condition within the OCD spectrum. TW: This is the part where I discuss personal symptoms, memories, and behaviors with some detail. Today while filling out the questions for this app— it really ‘sunk-in’ for me that I have been experiencing Somatic OCD for as long as I remember. I can’t say I can pin-point where it started… but I can say one of my earliest, seemingly-random, memories is being 5 years old- In Kindergarten Music Class. We were watching a movie and I suddenly became aware of my breathing. I felt like I wasn’t breathing, but I was getting oxygen… because I wasn’t feeling out of breath. I was very anxious as a child so I cannot recall if in this moment breathing awareness caused anxiety. I do remember thinking (with the vocabulary I had at the time) that it was maybe a cool thing? To breathe without breathing- is this something everyone can do? I’ve always experienced Magical Thinking as well. I also remember being anxious, as a young child, after I learned that we expel CO2 when we breathe out. I was very anxious to breathe in “stale-air” thinking it could harm me. This interacted with Harm symptoms where I obsessively worried about intentionally suffocating myself although I didn’t desire to. As I think back, I remember some of my earliest memories are of me trying to “even-out” some of my body-feelings. If I was playing with a textured toy for a few seconds in one hand, I’d have to switch it to the other until the feeling was the same in both hands. Many times this lead to me counting seconds while holding things, and continuing the ritual until I was inevitably distracted or re-directed. Other early memories of mine include me thinking I could control the weather with my mind. I was very worried that I would accidentally summon a tornado by wishing for it with a passing thought. I would spend hours staring out the window thinking “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…” hoping that if I accidentally made the wish it would be preceded by negating it. I’m sharing this to cope with the “sinking-in” of it all. I’m looking back at these experiences with a “neutral” lens in the sense that I’m trying to be mindful of feeling triggered, and allow myself to sit with feelings that come up and observe them without trying to push feelings and thoughts away. Obviously it’s a balancing act because I don’t want sitting with my feelings to turn into sitting “in” my feelings and ruminating. Typing things out is helpful for me- I understand my thoughts and feelings better when I hear or read them back. A lot of feelings have come up for me in a short time since downloading this app and filling out the survey. I feel sad for my current, moreover my former and child-self. I feel bummed in general that our understanding of mental-health is/has been limited— I feel bummed that OCD is sneaky like that… Nearly 12 years of therapy, and the reality of experiencing OCD was just so normal to me that I didn’t notice it enough to share. I feel bummed that I didn’t previously have the vocabulary or the skills to be honest and speak about what I was experiencing with consistent detail. I feel sad for my parents and their parents and siblings who experienced similar things. It’s hard sometimes to allow myself to identify “feelings” (emotions) without thinking I’m over-processing it. Like I said, fine line. I do struggle to identify and sit *with* the feelings so it is something I inevitably have to do. So yeah. It’s just kind of wild to think this has been going in for SO LONG. I feel a relieved, having processed it a bit. So I’ll close out and re-direct myself now as this has been a long reflection moment.

No I'm not asking for reassurance (though to be honest maybe I am) I'm trying to understand if what I'm doing are compulsions and if they are I will try to keep them at bay. 1. I repeatedly say words like "Stop!" "No!" And "I'd never do X and so" answering my thoughts so they stop 2. I ruminate and review every interaction I have going over my actions and the reason I did them and to be honest my mind just goes up trying to convince me what I did was bad and everyone just hates me 3. I count up to 4 and repeat. 4. I have tics. I jolt. Spasm put my arms up in a defensive position and even push the air when the stress gets to a breaking point. As well I hug myself I feel comfort in that. 5. I avoid triggers specially if I feel the impending doom from them. Funnily enough sometimes I do stare at the trigger just to make sure nothing bad is going to happen.

Trying to ignore my thoughts but it feels like they are only coming at me more now😭 im just at a loss i dont know what to do