I experience a few different sup-typesā¦ I would say introspectively the most noticeable is Somatic OCD followed by Harm and Contamination.
I have been in therapy for 11/12 yearsā¦ pretty consistently.
I heard about this app through some ads, and some friends and family started suggesting I try it. This is my first time using it.
I previously did not realize I had OCD.
At some point when I was around 16 I thought OCD could be the thing I was experiencing. The understanding of OCD in my general circle of people was limited. When I introduced the possibility of having OCD to others, I was met with the idea that I could not have OCD because I had always been disorganized and āmessyā. Otherwise, I was introduced to the concept of āPureā OCD- which wasnāt entirely fitting for me. I didnāt know, until today, that Somatic OCD was the word for what I was experiencingā¦ along with a few other subtypes that I learned about today.
Within the past couple of years Iāve come to realize that I experience symptoms of OCD. I have also come to realize that there is a strong pattern of a variety of OCD subtypes on the paternal side of my family. On the maternal side there is (sparse, compared to paternal side) history of Hoarding Disorder- which I know the DSM now classifies as its own condition within the OCD spectrum.
TW: This is the part where I discuss personal symptoms, memories, and behaviors with some detail.
Today while filling out the questions for this appā it really āsunk-inā for me that I have been experiencing Somatic OCD for as long as I remember.
I canāt say I can pin-point where it startedā¦ but I can say one of my earliest, seemingly-random, memories is being 5 years old- In Kindergarten Music Class. We were watching a movie and I suddenly became aware of my breathing. I felt like I wasnāt breathing, but I was getting oxygenā¦ because I wasnāt feeling out of breath. I was very anxious as a child so I cannot recall if in this moment breathing awareness caused anxiety. I do remember thinking (with the vocabulary I had at the time) that it was maybe a cool thing? To breathe without breathing- is this something everyone can do? Iāve always experienced Magical Thinking as well.
I also remember being anxious, as a young child, after I learned that we expel CO2 when we breathe out. I was very anxious to breathe in āstale-airā thinking it could harm me. This interacted with Harm symptoms where I obsessively worried about intentionally suffocating myself although I didnāt desire to.
As I think back, I remember some of my earliest memories are of me trying to āeven-outā some of my body-feelings. If I was playing with a textured toy for a few seconds in one hand, Iād have to switch it to the other until the feeling was the same in both hands. Many times this lead to me counting seconds while holding things, and continuing the ritual until I was inevitably distracted or re-directed.
Other early memories of mine include me thinking I could control the weather with my mind. I was very worried that I would accidentally summon a tornado by wishing for it with a passing thought. I would spend hours staring out the window thinking āI donāt, I donāt, I donātā¦ā hoping that if I accidentally made the wish it would be preceded by negating it.
Iām sharing this to cope with the āsinking-inā of it all. Iām looking back at these experiences with a āneutralā lens in the sense that Iām trying to be mindful of feeling triggered, and allow myself to sit with feelings that come up and observe them without trying to push feelings and thoughts away. Obviously itās a balancing act because I donāt want sitting with my feelings to turn into sitting āinā my feelings and ruminating. Typing things out is helpful for me- I understand my thoughts and feelings better when I hear or read them back.
A lot of feelings have come up for me in a short time since downloading this app and filling out the survey. I feel sad for my current, moreover my former and child-self. I feel bummed in general that our understanding of mental-health is/has been limitedā I feel bummed that OCD is sneaky like thatā¦ Nearly 12 years of therapy, and the reality of experiencing OCD was just so normal to me that I didnāt notice it enough to share. I feel bummed that I didnāt previously have the vocabulary or the skills to be honest and speak about what I was experiencing with consistent detail. I feel sad for my parents and their parents and siblings who experienced similar things.
Itās hard sometimes to allow myself to identify āfeelingsā (emotions) without thinking Iām over-processing it. Like I said, fine line. I do struggle to identify and sit *with* the feelings so it is something I inevitably have to do.
So yeah. Itās just kind of wild to think this has been going in for SO LONG. I feel a relieved, having processed it a bit. So Iāll close out and re-direct myself now as this has been a long reflection moment.
