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There's something seriously wrong with me. And I myself don't understand it anymore.

* A specific thought I’m afraid to say my intrusive thoughts without a voice. Like say the intrusive thoughts by moving my lips/tongue , and smile after. For example- im afraid to curse someone, but without the voice just move my lips. And there are more thoughts not only curses. I don’t know what to do I’m scared to even be around my family cause what if I’m going to do that. I’m so scared to go out with this thought. Cause I’m going to see people and animals outside and I’m going to do that. This is scary because my thoughts are even more worse then the cursing one I’m ashamed to even say it. And why now I feel urge in my lips? Ugh I hate this.

Hi everyone, Im posting this because I’m feeling quite deflated after a bit of a spike with my OCD. I’ve had several themes, one of them being around my relationship. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 7 years. We’re in a very strong relationship and have been through a lot with my mental health. He’s been an absolute saint throughout the whole journey and I could never thank him enough. I had a very severe obsession about me being unfaithful/having feelings for someone else. It was about a male friend from work who I was pretty close with, he was really a lovely guy and was there for me through a lot of other life things that were going on at the time. We used to go on a lot of work nights out, I didn’t have the best relationship with alcohol, and it was definitely a coping mechanism during the tough life circumstances at the time. There was one night where this friend stroked my leg in the taxi on the way home and I didn’t stop him. fast forward 2 years later, I remembered this said event, which I’d obviously forgotten about and it spiralled out of control. I made myself very ill. It was before I knew I had OCD, or even knew what OCD actually was. The compulsions were horrendous - confessing again and again, checking memories, convincing myself things happened when they didn’t. I convinced myself that I had feelings for him. It was a very hard time. After a long recovery and seeking help/medication, I overcame this theme. However occasionally there are small triggers. Such as recently, we have been watching a TV show where the main character has an affair. It has brought all of those feelings back. I just feel totally devastated and ashamed. Of all the themes I’ve had, of harm and even POCD. This one hits me the hardest. I think it’s because I love my partner so much and the thought of losing him breaks my heart. I’m truly holding out that this will be just a blip, and will surpass. But I can’t help feeling that these triggers are going to come for the rest of my life and the thought of having to deal with feeling like I don’t deserve my relationship every so often is terrifying. I’m so sorry for such a depressing (and long) post. I just needed a place to express these feelings as it would be very hard for someone without OCD to understand. Any advice for these feelings would be very appreciated 💕

I’ve had sexual thoughts that get so bad I used to cry daily. Today I tried to sit down and let the thoughts be there and I didn’t really feel anxiety? Does this mean I acted on the thoughts or I wanted the thoughts? There was a specific event like two days ago that I’ve been constantly having anxiety about because after the event I started getting sexual images and then I wondered if I actually did that. For the past two days life has been so bad. Today I woke up and I replayed the events step by step and I couldn’t find when I could’ve acted on the thoughts, so that gave me relief. Then I tried sitting with the thoughts, and the thoughts that once made me cry and feel so bad didn’t really feel like anything. Am I in denial? Just yesterday I was thinking the worst and that I couldn’t handle any of this anymore. I know replying events is a bad thing too but I needed to know for sure if I acted on my thoughts. My thoughts are so bad and the thing is if I did act on them I’d never be able to forgive myself. I notice in the moment I didn’t really feel anxiety like I did but I got so much anxiety the day after everything happened and then I wondered if I did something bad. Can someone please help?

Ex and I split 5 years ago, have a child together so remained completely platonic and friendly and done stuff as a 3. Zero feelings or attraction. Now I have a new partner and he has a new partner my anxiety has latched onto 'what if you still love him' and will give me thoughts of us being intimate which honestly are not appealing. Not even kissing. It feels awful like I'm mentally cheating even though I don't want him. He wanted me for years after and I turned him down so why is OCD triggered now. I'm distressed.

How does one do erp for magical thinking?

it feels like a monster crawling into my skin. like this unwanted feeling & thought. anytime I see a trigger, my brain does the honor to torture me. it’s like I’m trapped. locked in place. and you can’t do anything about it when it comes. you want it to go away but it eats at you. you’re sure you aren’t what you fear. but each exposure makes you rethink. and the cycle begins. what the fuck even is real or fake??? shit feels real to me. I hate it. it causes so much stress. shame. it’s like my brain forces me to. I don’t want it anymore. I want to go back to the way I was. before all of this took over. I want to rest.

Ive tried to remain uncertain about this... I really tried... Im so depressed... and I feel alone... theres no hope... My pocd keeps saying that my worst fear of unknowingly cybering with a minor has actually happened and it's really triggering the hell out of me... I feel so horrible...My pocd keeps saying I "unknowingly erotically role played with a minor" when idek if this actually happened or not... this was nearly three years ago... (september of 2021) for context we were erotically role playing on an 18+ discord server, (she wasnt verified, but I assumed she was 18+ because we were on an 18+ place) and then she suddenly stopped responding, before leaving the server shortly after an unknown time... im so freaking anxious and scared... her grammar was fine at first, but then as we were going on, she kept making errors like "boxer" or "then" instead of "than"... my pocd keeps saying that I "UNKNOWINGLY EROTICALLY ROLEPLAYED WITH A MINOR" when idek if this happened or not... some people told me she sounds like/is a young adult... chatGPT tells me she sounded like a teenager... I genuinely dont know what to believe anymore... (these two photos are from her account, and the beginning of our ERP... I hope she wasnt a teenager... I really hope she wasnt...)

Basically last night when i was rummaging i searched up childhood signs someone was a lesbian and today i was with my boyfriend and he saw it and asked me about it and i had to come up with an excuse but now im starting to think that he actually thinks im a lesbian and i dont want him to leave me but what if i am a lesbian and im denying it?? Im so scared and confused

I can’t stop obsessing over something my boyfriend said!! I know it was just a joke but my ocd latched onto it. It wasn’t important but now my thoughts are racing, like would other people accept what he said? Would a good person say this? Did he say a bad thing? I’m so confused and I can’t keep living like this! I can’t control what others say, people are always going to say things and I want to be able to let them go because when it happens, I spiral and then can’t relax and everything’s ruined. I struggle to look at the bigger picture of things, and think if someone says one bad thing, that makes them a bad person. How can I help myself in the moment when things like this happen? Please could I have some advice!!!

I stayed home from school today, I couldn’t do it. It was all too much. From the moment I open my eyes it’s back into a labyrinth of torture. I wish I had my old theme back. At least with Harm OCD I didn’t feel this lost. My mind is in a constant state of panic. So much so I can’t eat without throwing up. And my head hurts from thinking so hard. I want to sleep. Sleep for a while. Escape this pain. I wish I was like other kids my age. I wish I could find joy in my youth. I fear the past, the present, and the future. How am I supposed to live like that. My own mind convinces me i’m different than what I am. Whether that be me being a murderer or transgender. I miss being a kid, when everything was simple, and free. Now i’m in highschool dealing with OCD. I don’t go out, I stay home because I panic more when i’m away from my family. What’s the point? Why do I keep fighting if it will never end? There’s no cure.. it can only be managed. What’s a life like that? How is that worth fighting for? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a stranger. My mind constantly cycling what ifs and scenarios. Does it ever get better? I used to be so optimistic, I used to find light in everything.. Every corner of life. I was always told I was a ray of sunshine. Now i’m dull, hallow, and empty. OCD is torture. It has taken everything from me. My happiness, my identity, and my enjoyment. What do I do? Where do I go? Does God even hear me?

I feel like no one cares about me... Im struggling in college and it just feels like I cant catch a break... Ive made bad choices that make me a bad person... I have to be uncertain about worst case POCD scenarios that may or may not have happened unknowingly... I genuinely dont feel like any one cares about me... and if I pass away, ill be laughed at and forgotten by everyone... Im alone with no gf, barely any friends, and I cant even be certain that my POCD fears of unknowingly cybering with a minor did or didnt happen... im stuck in hell...

Did anyone ever had the though "I just wanna be normal" and got super scared cause that's exactly whay someone in denial would say? You know the word "normal" it sounds like a clasic story of someone represing something, I swear I barely had this though, I think I had it just twice in all this time.

Hi Im a 15 year old girl and about a month ago i started having these toughts about harming myself and other people. It was verry draining for me so thats why me and my friends stayed toghether for a week and have fun. Now i started having it again and i cant help but think im a pysochapth. Today I started breaking down and i dont know what to do. Are these the since of OCD or is something really wrong with me? Please help.

I'm not trying to self diagnose here I'm just reflecting on a thought (maybe this is a compulsion?) that has been driving me crazy My mind went on a loop telling me "ok what If you don't have OCD and you are just lying? It means your thoughts are true!" When in reality even if a person doesn't have OCD it doesn't automatically invalidate their intrusive thoughts or the suffering they are going through. So let's go recently I talked to my mother about my concerns on having OCD and she explained to me when I was a teen I used to do weird stuff that seem like compulsions and I remembered I used to go through and back from the doorframe a number of times until I "did it right" or when I had to have my things arranged a certain order. I had to have my clothes tucked and wear them a certain way. Even in school I had to sit a certain way and I would freak out and try to "fit" my chair until it felt right. It's herd to explain but I was also a simmetry freak? I was really bothered when I saw a light bulb inclined even slightly. How the Sewing of my clothes or even the seat of my dad's car were "not right" in a way I used to run my fingers through them just to get some relief. My actions had a certain rhythm to them. I had relief by tapping my fingers on a surface two times and stop and start again in this rhythm. So this makes me bothered I think I might tell this to the specialist next week. It still happens but as I grew up it seemed to have disappeared and changed themes. Am I making sense to you guys? Sorry for the long post.

Pls pls help me…and if you have even 5 mins give it a read maybe.., i am posting after a while as life came hard and fast to me so i have been dealing with ocd for about 5 years now with different subtypes from health to suicidal to homosexual seen quite a lot and now idk if this is rocd or not but i need a little help… so i was on and off with this one guy for a long time lets say 2 years and never was in a relationship though and had intense feelings for him but he never committed as such so it never happened and i thought of him to be my TWIN FLAME.. cause he always came back and left and came back again but nothing happened still and i changed cities for my higher education and finally met a great guy and someone who i could finally open up to and fell hard for while this other guy started to fade away always knew the soft spot would remain but rest faded because i love someone else now and my recent guy has a girl bestfriend he is close to and they never did anything but he told me before he met me and after his breakup with his ex he thought his bestie and he could have something but he shut them down completely when we got serious. Yesterday this guy i thought of as my twin flame or whatever came back after 4 months of no contact and i handled the situation well and told him i was with someone else and everything and that i was happy as well but a part of me was sad he didn’t do what he is now maybe a few months ago cause then we could be together but nevertheless i am happy where i am now since then my brain has been thinking a few things like my how i dont want to do anything but my current boyfriend what if he went with his bestie behind my back and i left him and went to this other guy to see if there’s a chance but then if i am even thinking so means i want it and i am being selfish and its not like rocd intrusive thoughts cause doesn’t feel so but actually wanting to do it otherwise why would i consider it and be thinking about it so much and maybe even lie to my boyfriend about it? He leaves me first so i dont have to but if i think like that means i want and i am combating guilt and regret and being selfish but if i am okay with him leaving cause then i think i get to be with this other guy means i do and i am lying to him and if thats what i want what am i doing and if its playing in my head thats not okay and i am with him cause selfish and i am scared he would leave but okay with him fucking up and leaving so that i get that chance but if i want it at all means i want him and this is a safety option and not what i truly want and i am lying to my boyfriend? if i am okay with him leaving and would go to kar that means it already in my head and what i want i just want him to do that so i go without regret thats toxic and selfish and if i already feel like this that means its true and i feel nothing for my boyfriend? what am i doing with him and then just there until he fucks up and i leave and if thats what i want then i already dont want him or know so and not like intrusive ocd thinking but actually thinking and possibility and if i am okay with that that means no feelings for the current guy i am selfish and toxic and just not a good person but not saying truth cause also scared and want to keep around but thats not okay and not ocd and just i know not ocd just thinking and if hoping for it even tiniest thats pathetic he loves me and i love him so why do i think so and do i even love him of one ex coming back can make me think this and question and will be okay even the tiniest bit with what i thought?!? Idk if i am even anxious i am writing this normally so its true thoughts and not ocd and i know so so its cant be also which means i am wrong and selfish and not right?

A month ago, we went to my sister’s place. There, I took care of a kitten. The day after I started taking care of it, the kitten died. We returned from my sister’s place three weeks ago. Three days ago, I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me that I had been bitten by ants or fleas. As a precaution, the doctor gave me two things. I am using them, but because of my OCD, this process is even harder for me. Now I need to go shopping, and my OCD tells me that if I shop incorrectly, I will never get rid of the fleas. It also tells me that if fleas jump onto my cleaning supplies and I use those supplies again, the fleas will infest me again. I have difficulty closing the lids of my cleaning supplies because I’m afraid that if the lids stay open, or even slightly open, they will lose their effectiveness. On top of that, I stay in a dormitory for university, which makes everything even harder. Sometimes I think that I will never be able to get rid of the fleas, and I’m afraid I’ll never be free of them. Other times, I wonder if I ever actually had fleas.

Does anyone go over their false memory and decide yes it didn’t happen and then two seconds later think oh but what if it is real and then mime their false memory again?

I have a fear now of lying even if it's a white lie and I can't differentiate the truth.

Just wanted to vent and also leave my experience here just in case someone is going through the same. My fear of having schizo or psychosis led me into having intrusive thoughts that I will start hearing voices and stuff like that so suddenly I became super sensitive to every little sound, checking if I heard something or not. When I hear little sounds that I can’t really recognize (like something outside) it gives me a mini panic attack for the first second bc I think “was this sound real? Am I hallucinating now?” Then I try to shake it off as I know I am not, it’s just my ocd really tricking me and I get this bad anxiety with the uncertainty 😭 I also repeat sounds in my head maybe as I compulsion? I don’t really know. It gets better when I’m paying attention to something else and I forget about it but right before sleep is being such a pain, I get sleepy but I get scared of going to sleep and all the thoughts that pop up are distressing. I’m not doing ERP yet but if anyone here that has had the same experience can recommend a therapist from NOCD for me I’d appreciate it! I know it will help me with this theme. I still have harm OCD here and there but not nearly as distressing as this theme is for me and I know that’s why it sticks around. This sucks. I’m glad we have this app though and I am glad we can relate to each other here. OCD is isolating. I can’t really talk to anyone in my life about this because I am scared of how they would react. Stay strong everyone 🥹🥺❤️