Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm really not in a good place! The thoughts just keep coming! Even when I ignore them or agree with them & it's literally making me sick to my stomach!

I’ve been trying my best with ERP and just everything that’s going on. I have severe OCD, GAD, PMDD, panic disorder, recently diagnosed ADHD, and currently experiencing a major depressive episode. Apparently. I was taking a break from this app but I really need support right now. My family is honestly really mean and not understanding of what I’m going through. Right now it’s gotten bad to the point I had to withdrawal from my last semester of university. My only support is my boyfriend and he’s now planning to join the military. I won’t be able to talk to him for 3 months and I feel really scared of being alone with all of this. I know I shouldn’t depend on him to begin with but right now I’m at an extremely low point and I feel like I won’t make it alone. There hasn’t been a single day we haven’t texted and talked in 4 years. I feel really scared, but I don’t want to hold him back. You guys, I feel so sad and terrified right now. I don’t want him to go, he’s all I have.

*TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of adult content and suicidal thoughts* I am in pieces right now and I’m struggling to see a way through this nightmare. I’ve never posted on forums before but I see a lot of people sharing similar experiences on here and I feel like I need some advice. So around 4 months ago I was in a bit of a depressive state and I ended up looking at some NSFW content on Reddit, which I now regret more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. I was on a specific page that I’d used a few times in the past, but I found myself spending a much longer session on there than usual- I think because of the stress I was going through at the time, and I wasn’t looking for ANYTHING illegal whatsoever. I can remember scrolling past a few things that I found unpleasant, and I WISH this was the sign that I took to leave the site immediately. However, like an idiot, I continued scrolling through because I hadn’t found anything I liked. As soon as I left the page, I had an awful, awful feeling build up inside of me. The next morning I woke up with the realisation that one of the posts that flashed up had a very ambiguous sounding title and I got that horrible gut-drop feeling. Whilst there wasn’t anything visually alarming, the title that I remembered spoke about “waiting for their mum to get home” and I felt absolutely sick. Even just writing this is making me want to throw up. I started panicking and I even called my mum because I was in shock. Ever since that happened, I have had numerous visits to hospital because of it and I’ve been put on medication. I made a little bit of progress until I was hit with another dreadful realisation that I had seen something else with a worrying title on there in the past, and this time it felt like there were no excuses. I started spiralling into a pit of self-hatred and despair which is where I am currently at now. Even though I knew I just forgot about it, it doesn’t make me feel any different the situation, and I cannot forgive myself no matter how hard I try. I’ve had dozens of health professionals tell me that I haven’t done anything wrong, yet it just feels so catastrophic. I have since reported the subreddit and I haven’t looked at any kind of adult content since, because I personally find it the single most terrifying thing now. I just wish there was a way to settle my uncertainty and make sure that the people in the images were safe, but there is no way to prove that. Things have just got worse and worse and by brain is bringing up all kinds of gross/disturbing things I’ve seen on the internet from years back, and it’s taken over my life at this point. I don’t want to sound narcissistic but I’ve always considered myself to a person with strong morals, and this feels like it’s violated every single one of them. It’s made me feel like I don’t deserve to heal or grow from this and the only thing that is keeping me going is not wanting to upset my family and friends. I’m sorry for the long post, I’m just terrified with what’s happened and I’m starting to lose faith in ever recovering. If anyone has struggled with anything similar and has come out on the other side I’d love to hear how you overcame it because I genuinely cannot see the wood for the trees. Thank you for reading.

I've been going through this for 3 months now and my OCD has been so bad this all started because of a ccompulsion I did in October which I didn't want to do and now led to one thing or another and now I'm at a point we're I don't know who I am anymore I litterly though I was attracted to freaking infants 2 months ago and way worse and now it's litterly got out of hand I would get anxiety out of no where when I was out and I litterly that I was attracted to certain younger people Idk why it does this shit of course I wasn't because that's passed but this time It litterly felt genuine and real and it felt like I actually liked it and i still feel that way what does this mean I know I've been checking for months now and every time I feel like I was I wasn't but this time i think I just accepted the feeling and my OCD latched into another younger person this one feels very real i mean i was hyperfixating alot what if thats the reason and i still do alittle bit of compulsions to get rid of the thoughts but its rare ive been around kids all my life ive never ever felt this and i dont ever want to become this person is it possible this is still OCD because I didn't even get anxiety in that moment I felt lightheaded though and I kept replacing my words with aww or adorable but it didn't feel genuine I keep thinking about and obsessing about and no matter how hard I try to distract myself it's always there that younger person is there and its scary this is like one of the worst things a human could ever go through and I feel like this anxiety in my chest every time I fall asleep I wake up with it in my chest like I'm really concerned I've been sleeping all day and I've even been checking to see if I am actually attracted and it litterly feels like I am I'm so tired I feel like I'm denying how I actually felt in that moment and I feel like I'm suppressing something Idk if I even have OCD anymore.

I am really worried that I may have SA'ed my little sister. When we were very young, and I mean, really, really young, I was 5 I think. I used to kiss my sister, because I was curious and my mom caught us and she told me not to do it again and I didn't. But when I was about 11 she felt on my lap and I liked the sensation so I tried to rub myself against her. I tried to take my life because of this, I did therapy and everyone, including my sister, told me that I was just a child, and my sister admitted to having done similar things and she said "Would you blame me?" and I said no because she was a child and barely understood what was happening. My therapist said that I mimicked adult behaviors when I kissed her but she was so young, like barely 4 years old and I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to die.

It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.

i know i’m spamming on here and i want to die i don’t wanna be a boy it feels like i have to be i can’t keep living like this. i don’t feel like my anymore its true 😭😭

******TW for POCD****** I’ve been struggling with a specific intrusive thought lately, and it’s been making me feel really scared, especially in the mornings when my anxiety is highest. I often give into compulsions during this time, and this particular thought makes me feel like something harmful is already on my phone, even though I know that’s not true. OCD keeps telling me that because I’ve given into compulsions in the past, I’ll eventually give in to this urge too, and that really scares me. It’s making me distrust myself on my devices (phone, computer, iPad). I came across a post that mentioned famous images I find very disturbing (POCD-wise). Initially, I thought it was just morbid curiosity making me want to look more into it, but the urge to search was very strong, and I didn’t give in. After some time, I realized that this might actually be OCD because I had moments where I recognized I didn’t really want to search for more. It felt like a test to see if I would follow through with the compulsion. The most I researched was asking a chat AI whether something like this actually existed—just seeking confirmation, not further details. However, the AI provided a name, and that name started looping in my head. One morning, I woke up with the urge to search for it, thinking it would lead to harmless results. Thankfully, that’s what happened, but now I realize searching for the name was also a compulsion. It felt like I was checking to make sure harmful material wasn’t easily accessible or that I wouldn’t accidentally come across it. The thought keeps looping in my mind, and I’m really scared that if I acted on it, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I know it’s an intrusive thought, but it feels so real that I keep doubting myself. My compulsions seem like safety behaviors, but they make the fear worse, almost like I’m getting closer to something terrible each time. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten the urge to search for things I know I shouldn’t. They feel like intrusive thoughts that I resist, but sometimes I start considering acting on them just to “get it over with.” I realize now that would only make things worse. My mind also spams ideas of what I could look up to find it. For example, if I wanted to look up something like a banana, random phrases like “yellow fruit” or “fruit known for potassium” pop into my mind. Alongside that, I keep feeling the urge to read more about this topic. It almost feels like a normal curiosity, but I’m still unsure if I should trust it. The hardest part is how consuming the fear feels. I feel nauseous and overwhelmed, and although I’ve been trying to sit with the discomfort, it’s really hard. I’ve also found myself imagining looking it up, which I think is a form of testing myself or possibly an intrusive thought. It feels like I’m getting closer to acting on it, which is really overwhelming. This whole experience has been really scary. It initially felt like curiosity, but I’m afraid I might have acted on it if I hadn’t stopped myself or talked to my bf about it. I’m scared I’ll lose control or eventually give in, even though deep down, I don’t want to. It feels like OCD is convincing me otherwise. The constant doubt and fear are making it hard to focus on anything else. Can anyone please help me? I feel like I’m dying, I wish I had never learned of this

hi im new and im only 16 but recently i have did sum for rhe first time and i can’t stop constantly thinking and thinking about it and im constantly searching up on tiktok the symptoms and stuff and when i do that i start to panic even more and i start feeling the symptoms more and more and everytime i feel sum i never felt or idk i search it up and it makes me like panic and even tho i got my period already i constantly still keep thinking about it and it keep searching and seein things and it’s affecting me so much that i cant even do things i wanna do cus im constantly thinking about it and seeing so many tiktoks and i cant even be alone for one second or i get one little cramps and im zoned out

i (22f) am not a full blown stoner whatsoever, but picked up smoking weed years ago and use it pretty regularly now that i’ve been in college for a while. Not the best habit, I know, but it eases my mind so easily and is such a quick fix for my ocd when I feel really panicky. My mom caught me last night and proceeded to have a full conversation with me about it while I was totally stoned. From what i remember, She isn’t mad just really sad and disappointed. She’s made it clear through my whole childhood that weed is a horrible drug, but i just dont agree. I think that when used in moderation, like any other drug, it’s actually super helpful. I leave for partial hospitalization this Monday for my depression and she has been so helpful in getting me to the stage where i actually want help. I just feel so guilty now. A part of me is like okay i’m an adult and i can smoke weed once in a while. I did it in highschool in the house like a few times and no one ever said anything. I did it outside far way from the house, not even close to where It could bother anyone. The reason why she woke up is because I was too loud coming inside and then she came down and smelled me. Another part of me just feels like shit. I’m not an adult right now because i’m in such a mentally shit place and rely on her for so much. I should be respecting her expectations. She just seemed really sad and that’s what’s upsetting me most. It’s definitely a habit that has gotten out of hand in the past, but I don’t really want to stop. That kinda makes me sadder. (it’s not legal where i live but i bought from dispensary in another state)

On my tumblr I keep getting messaged by a lot of people from Gaza who made accounts to get donations to evacuate (they have been verified and such) i donate what i can and share their posts,but don't typically reply to their messages. A few people started messaging again thinking i was ignoring. So I felt bad and told that I donated and shared. There was some confronted bc one of them I sent a donation several days ago but didn't reply.to their message until later and they got confused and thought I didn't donate. I feel really bad and anxious abt it even if I know I did do it and am trying to do the right thing,the fear i might convince a family stuck in a war zone i am lying to them about such a thing terrifies me

Like I'm not even scared I feel numb and ever since that night I've completely went down hill Idk what to do the feeling i felt this time genuily felt like i liked it and i didnt even have anxiety at that moment and now I'm panicking I really hope this is still OCD like I'm sorry if I'm still asking for reassurance but im really worried like it felt good in that moment I don't understand what's going on like I hope it was a false feeling and not something real.....like this has happened before but Idk 😭😭😭😭 I really don't know what to I don't want to turn into a p word I don't this I've been sleeping all day I still do compulsions a little to get rid of the thoughts but I've been getting sexual thoughts too and I don't want them but I feel like I do I don't understand I though I was getting better but I guess every time I get better everything gets worse..

Took my blood pressure 2 days ago at doctor and it was high I just took it at the pharmacy and it was high again now I can’t stop thinking about it about it and how I m gonna die from this

Adults only please There is this woman that I really want to talk to. I just want to get to know her, spend time with her, and just have a good time being with who she is. I think about her all the time and I just wish I could have the chance to talk to her. I don't see her a lot because we're both really busy. But I also don't feel like I'm ready for a relationship, even though I badly want to talk to her and eventually ask her out. What do I do? I just hate that I'm held back by my past and my bad habit with pornography. If that wasn't a problem in my life, I think we'd be dating by now. I haven't watched it and I don't want to watch it. I also feel anxious about it all thinking I'm going to mess it all up and hurt her when that's the last thing I want to do. When will I ever be ready? How do people know they can commit to someone?

I have some friends who belong to a Reformed Presbyterian Church, and I found out that the Reformed churches follow tenants of Calvinism. The teaching here on the Sovereignty of God specifically is such a comfort to my OCD heart. The absolute sovereignty of God means that I can’t mess up his plans. I don’t have the same weight of responsibility to keep my soul safe (or anything else). I am finding comfort in that.

For those of you in therapy for dermatillomania or trichotillomania, has your therapist had you try to go longer and longer without picking/pulling? Can you please explain how specifically they recommend that you do this?

So, I am seventeen and I have always had a very close relationship with my uncle and aunt. But these days my dad said he didn't like that my uncle put his hand on the back of my neck while I was sitting and stroked it. And I was like "???" cuz he said like "I didn't like it, but I don't care if you didn't" and I was like, "dad, I didn't feel unconfortable, it was ok" and he kept saying that I shouldn't let people touch me like this, like my opinion doesn't matter. I talked to my mom and she said that I should do what makes ME comfortable. She said that men are like that, that they are very malicious. What bothered me wasn't my uncle, because he respects my privacy, but what my father said, and like, if he thinks the way my uncle touched me was wrong, why didn't he do anything?? Instead of talking to him he choose to come and tell me that he did not like, It wasn't even about me, it was about him not liking it.

It’s just a movie it’s just a movie… they’re just actors they’re just actors…

Tw I'm sad that it seems people don't need me, including my friends and whoever I could get into a relationship with. They could all just have someone else, and it wouldn't really affect them if I wasn't around. It feels devastating, and my perception of relationships has dramatically changed in the last few years

I've been struggling so hard with trans ocd lately. specifically fears that I'm a trans man, and that I'll have to come out and I'll be abandoned for it. granted, I'm already nonbinary. I love being feminine, but I realized I wished I could be feminine in a gender non-conforming way. I hate that being feminine just makes me 'basically a girl' since I was born one. I wish I could be more like when a man is hyperfeminine/looks like a women. like a mix of both and i get envious seeing men wearing anything super feminine like colorful makeup/lipstick or dresses or wtv. There's parts of me I wish were more masculine like a flat chest but I also still love how I look with a feminine body. anyways, I started trying masculine terms for myself because I like them. I don't mind some feminine terms too though, i just prefer neutral or masculine. I know there's no wrong way to be nonbinary. But now my ocd is just telling me I want to be a man and I'm just in denial. and that when I come out my family will either hate me or abandon me. I've done ERP on my own for this since my therapist is out for a while but it only helps briefly and then the anxiety hits me again. weirdly, I'm not really out as nonbinary either but it's specifically coming out as a trans man that gives me anxiety. I don't know. I've been struggling with this for like 3 weeks now, I just want it to be over. I'm sick of being anxious all the time. I feel like I don't know myself.