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I specifically have breathing. It always seems like no one posts recovery stories for this.

TRIGGER WARNING: i experienced csa from the ages of 5-10 that largely went unaddressed. I then experienced repetitive sa from the ages of 15-20 by various individuals. I obsess over my body, what it “could / should be used for”, accidentally harming children/animals, basic bodily functions, and sexual attraction. I perform compulsions that test these obsessions in a variety of ways. I post explicit images online, force myself to watch scary porn, and set up elaborate scenarios during sex. I wish I could just stop, and I don’t understand why I continually do these things. My girlfriend keeps telling me I have to become neutral to these intrusive thoughts to feel less distressed by them, but I can’t. I feel like this if I accept them in any way, or even feel neutral to them, i’m a terrible person who is pro csa, animal abuse, etc. I feel like, if i even become neutral to these things, it would be a losing a part of my values and therefore identity. These real experiences have been so impactful on who I am today. I don’t want to feel neutrally about these things. Do I really have to feel neutrally about these things in order to get better? :-(

I do believe I am but of course I haven’t gotten an actual diagnosis. I just get told pretty often how I’m not normal or the way I think isn’t normal. I used to not think about things the way I do now and I’m not sure if something can trigger OCD?? I started obsessing over things about 3 years ago, and it’s getting worse. I take anxiety meds and I feel like they kinda help except for when they don’t; and I have to take a Xanax to put me out of my panic attacks. The main things I obsess over is germs and my health. Germs. I think about anything and everything I can see them I can feel them. ALL THE TIME. It’s exhausting. My hands are cracked and bleeding from how much I wash them and it makes me wash them even more because now I have open wounds on my hands and I don’t want germs to get in there! I have many different shoes for certain places they go. I have outside slippers, I have in house but not in room slippers, and I have slippers that are only in my room. Germs do go into my supposed health OCD. I panic if I believe I’ve touched something that someone who has aids or herpes has touched. I don’t like to touch anything with my hands and yet I have to wash my hands so many times because I feel like germs got on my hands. That’s my biggest fear actually is getting a disease that cannot be cured. I think about it constantly and what I can do to prevent it and you bet I notice the SMALLEST detail when it comes to my health and body I have a new freckle omg I need to make sure it’s not cancer. I’m so appreciative my partner understands me. He has to follow the way I live for me to feel comfortable. I pay for his health insurance just so I can make sure he hasn’t caught anything or if any of his moles aren’t cancerous. It’s exhausting

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

So my OCD mainly involves real (terrible) events in my life that happened about 5 years ago. When I was 20, I was not a good person. I lacked empathy and did a lot of really shitty things that I would do anything to undo. One of the biggest things I’m struggling with in regards to this is emotional contamination. During this part of my life, I wasn’t afraid to show off for validation from inappropriate sources. This led to me involving so many of my interests in my bad actions. For example, my biggest hobby is dance. I’ve danced since I was a child, and I just got back into taking classes regularly last year. During the time of my event, I sent a video of me dancing inappropriately to someone I shouldn’t have while in a relationship with my girlfriend (who I am still with- she knows everything). This is just one small part of the whole event (my whole event is regarding infidelity with the same person I sent the video to), and once again I know that was a disgusting thing to do and I wish I could take it back. My girlfriend forgives me and doesn’t think think I should let this association impact my desire to dance. But I feel so guilty after I finish a class. I feel so guilty that I feel my absolute best when I’m dancing, but I’ve tainted that by using it as a way to hurt my girlfriend and seek male attention in the past. I know that my guilt surrounding my infidelity is normal, healthy, and deserved. I feel awful even talking about it in relation to my OCD, and it constantly makes me feel like I should not be posting here because my event is serious and not all that OCD related. But so much of ME is tied up in this event. So many things I loved now feel wrong. Dancing, baking, some of my favorite music/TV shows/video games, certain phrases, etc. There is usually at least a hint of feeling like I’ve committed a betrayal all over again any time I engage with anything I loved during that period of my life. I’m sorry for the rant. I could just use someone to relate to. Maybe this is how I’m supposed to feel. Maybe I should stop trying to reclaim those things. Maybe trying to do these interests anyway even though I misused them in the past is just another betrayal. Maybe I’m telling myself these associations are partially OCD, but the guilt is actually a sign that I need to let go of these things and cut ties with all of past me’s “stuff”. Even though my girlfriend says it’s ok to reclaim these things, it feels like an act of selfishness. “Oh, I’ll create terrible, hurtful associations with all of my hobbies and traits and then continue to try to enjoy them after the fact!” It just feels so fucked up. I feel like it’s only right to start over with things I haven’t ruined. But with things like dance, I don’t know how I could let go. It has been a part of me for so long, it is one of my biggest joys, and I used it to hurt the person I love. This whole post sounds very “poor me”. I promise that my biggest concern isn’t “wahhh, I can’t do my hobbies anymore!”. It’s simply how to move forward in life while inhabiting the same body and soul as my greatest enemy. I don’t want any sympathy, and I understand if this post leaves a nasty aftertaste. I’m sorry to everyone that has had to put up with someone like me, and I truly hope that if you’ve been on the other end of actions like mine, you find genuine healing and happiness.

I told my mother that I lied about the website and what I posted when they commented that I should kill myself, but I still feel bad. I didn't tell her how much time ago it was or what site it was, but she just said that it is okay and I don't need to say the whole truth, but I feel so anxious that I feel like throwing up all the time. How can I calm myself, my mom told everything is okay, but I still feel this pit in my stomach, I thought that cofessing would make things better.

I’m sure many know me because I’ve been around for so long, helping out whenever I can. But there are a lot of new people and I keep getting asked a few questions over and over again, so it’s easier to make a post. Here we go! And sorry for typos… this is a long one. I joined this app in 2019 to see what it was about and get extra support as I was working with my therapist in person for OCD and my other mental illnesses. It took 6 years to fully recover and be subclinical for all my mental illnesses, including OCD. Going on 4.5 years now of being fully recovered and happy! 6 years, you say?! Yes, it took 6 years because for half that time, I basically wasn’t listening to my therapist 😆 I’ve had all the subtypes you can imagine because I started showing symptoms of OCD at 4 years old—it runs in the family. I stick around to help whenever I have free time because I know OCD completely sucks. And in the beginning of my healing journey, I only had my mom and therapist for help, but they don’t have OCD, so I had support but not personal knowledge support—it’s the same vibe as an AA sponsor. I am up front and honest and I speak plainly—that doesn’t work for some people and that’s totally fine. But I got help from people on this app (they have moved on) when I first joined and I needed to hear the things they said even though I ABSOLUTELY hated it. It was the truth and they were helping me when they told me to do XYZ or stop XYZ. I carry on because I know getting advice from OCD survivors helps immensely. Also, I don’t have a badge or certificate or anything like that next to my name or on my profile because I didn’t get treated on this app. I hope this post cleared up some things 😌

We’ve all been there when you wake up in the morning and it seems like your ocd was just gathering up all its strength while you were sleeping just to SLAM you with a barrage of discouraging thoughts, emotions, sensations etc to ruin your day before it could even start. It’s difficult to endure, but here’s the solution that has worked for me… Treat it as a cold shower. When you take a cold shower when your body least expects it, it feels almost unbearable and you doubt your ability to withstand the discomfort… until you surrender to it. Then what happens, your body adjusts to the discomfort and you walk out the shower feeling refreshed. The same goes with the morning exposures. They are very uncomfortable. But you’ve been there already. Many times. You know that you can withstand it, but since you were caught off guard, you doubt your ability to do so and maybe even dread the fact that you’re still going through this. Drop that mentality. View it as a cold shower. Surrender to it without doing any compulsions, or research or distracting yourself. Meditate. Relax. Sit through the pain. Eventually, it WILL pass (we know this, but forget at the moment it’s happening). Once it passes, the pain lessens/evaporates, the thoughts slow down or stop or even remain with you throughout the day, but the difference is you’ve already done the work of surrendering to the hardest blow so now it remains as a shadow in the background which may continue to make noise but can no longer govern your day. Because you’ve taken charge of it! And as a plus—- Just like a cold shower desensitizes you to the potential discomforts of the day to unfold, getting your ocd in control as soon as you wake up leaves you at a much better space to handle any other troubles you encounter throughout the day, even if that comes in the form of other thoughts. This is what’s worked for me. It’s not easy but very much worth it. Hope this helps someone 💪🏾 🚿 🥶

I tried helping someone on here. I don’t know what to do. They seem to experience a lot of trauma and ptsd and have pocd and im trying to offer advice but also not focusing on reassuring and they seem to be struggling and was posting a lot. But then they ended up saying they were a pred and they were sorry and need to unal1ve. I ended up feeling anxious and uncomfy and didn’t respond but I didn’t judge I just felt a lot of pressure and figured them saying this was them having a bad ocd episode. They ended up replying more asking if im mad and sorry if they scared me. I just kept saying the same things, recommending therapy and there’s a diff between actually wanting and enjoying these things and then being scared of all of this and experiencing extreme distress and repetitiveness basically. I just feel so much pressure. I felt sympathy and tried to help and now im worried and scared. I blocked them due to this but now I feel even worse. I am sortve breaking into hives and itchy… from anxiety im sure.

I get really bad incest thoughts and I’m scared that I want the thoughts, They are so discussing and repulsing even though I have no evidence of it being real I’m just so so terrified that these thoughts are something I want irl. Please reply and tell me I’m normal😭

These past few days I was fine. Minimal intrusive thoughts ,no anxiety etc(to add I'm on medication so maybe it's starting to work although it barely is 2 weeks) and today I got a sudden wave of anxiety and it started latching on some thoughts like" what if I'm in denial and I wanna break up with my bf? And what if erp doesn't work for me because I actually wanna break up with my bf?" But they didn't really stay long usually those thoughts would make me spiral for days or so, now they lasted for some hours. And now I'm trying to trigger myself into being anxious again because if I don't it means I don't have ocd and if I don't have ocd it means I don't love my bf and if I don't love my bf it means I have to break up. Idk if it makes sense but the lack of anxiety makes me wonder if I actually have ocd or not.

+18 only!! TW for sexual content!! (This might be TMI, but I need advice) So, this is kinda embarrassing, but I haven't been able to self-pleasure without feeling shame or guilt. It's so bad that I've just stopped altogether, but I don't want to avoid it. It was something I enjoyed and was comfortable with, and now, because of OCD, it just makes me feel... gross. It's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, but my mind just tries to convince me that it's wrong. Had anyone else dealt with this? It's not a huge issue, but I'm tired of unnecessary shame. :(

We are responsible for stopping our compulsions but are we responsible for doing them?

PET OCD Urgent. 😓Scared I violated my cat OK, my OCD is acting up because when me and my cat were cuddling, like I always do with petting my cats rear end or scratching or patting. when I hold them, one part of my hand holds their butt. (Not their actual you know what but the rear end area) But anyways, it was making me feel weird and I also tried to feel for my cats tail to see where I should end the petting because I was scared to pet further and touch his actual butt. (I was petting downward on its side and was feeling for where the tail started to see where I should stop because the fear of actually touching the cats actual butt scared me) But then to do an exposure for myself I just told myself Just keep petting his butt or shoot even put both hands there and cuddle with him, or just pet him all the way to the end of his tail, I even allowed myself to fully cuddle with him and snuggle with him. But the exposure is only making me feel worse, and making me feel that I acted on something bad. I was just trying to show myself and even said out loud “look nothing bad is happening” this is making me feel like I acted on an urge and hurt my pet. My cat is fine and likes to be pat on the butt or scratched, and also to get his tail played with. He likes being pet on his stomach as well but that is only sometimes. Typing all of this makes me feel so scared. Now I am having these obsessive compulsions with my cats, that I have to pet them near the rear end to prove to myself that doing that does not mean I hurt them, but it’s not making me feel better!!

Credit goes to Type O Negative Anesthesia song “ To run and hide a cowardly procedure “ a line from the song . I view this as positive inspiration to not do that but face problems straight on and come out better on the other side . Very power song . 🪦 RIP PETER STEELE !

Lists lists lists, bane of my life. Since I would say last 4 years any worry that pops in my mind I put down on the notes app on my phone then come back to it sometime. Is this OCD?

I had this friend and he's my only friend at all but we lost touch after I prayed if he's not a good person for me for us not to be friends he was already slowly drifting away but ig it got worse and now when I think about leaving him as a friend (my only friend) I see angel numbers but IM SO DONE HES MY ONLY RELEAS AND THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY ATP IM SO ALONE AND OFC HE COMES MY WAY AND WEVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 5 MOTNHS AFTER NOT SEEING EACOTHER FOR 6 YEARS AND THIS HAPPENS Please understand why I'm mad

A "perfectionist." As a child, that's how most described me. Little did I know it might've been related to OCD. When writing notes, if I didn't write a single letter correctly or the ink smudged, I'd tear the paper out from the notebook and re-do the whole thing. It would take me HOURS. Another thing I remember that I still catch myself doing is walking a specific way on the sidewalk. I'd have to start with my right foot, then my left foot, and finish with my right foot at the end of the sidewalk square. If I messed up, I'd feel the urge to turn around and restart from the last square. Knocking on wood also became a compulsion of mine (which I still do lol). Same thing with "step on a crack, break your mother's back." I remember kids in elementary telling me that, and I jumped on a crack to prove to them that it wouldn't happen, but then immediately after doing so, I grew extremely anxious. Because, "What if it's true and I just hurt someone I love?" That day, I'm pretty sure I went home and apologized to my mom for stepping on the crack, and she laughed. Bad intrusive thoughts every night about scenarios where my family would pass away, and I'd imagine how life would be without them. I'd cry about it every single night for years. This eventually evolved into a fear that, if I didn't hug my mom or dad before they left the house, then something horrific would happen to them. Then, even later, it evolved again into intrusive thoughts of ME doing violent things to them. It was horribly distressing, but I didn't tell anyone about it because I thought they'd be afraid of me. One time, I'd been convinced myself that my entire family and I's flight would crash. I begged my mom to cancel our trip because "I just had a feeling that this time, it really would happen." The next day on the flight, I passed out multiple times, but our plane landed safely, and we all lived! Mentally reviewing past conversations over and over again and even scripting out conversations. Constantly asking for reassurance about EVERYTHING. Even if it was something small. During Covid, I grew really paranoid. If I touched anything, I felt like I immediately had to wash my hands two or three times. The air outside felt "contaminated," and I'd get intrusive thoughts just walking around our neighborhood about catching Covid by just being outside. In the first month, I did actually end up getting really sick, but I don't think it was Covid. Still, this only worsened my paranoia, and I'd constantly plug my ears to check my breathing, or I'd check my pulse. I thought I would develop pneumonia and die in my sleep😭 There's probably more, but that's just a few of the memories I've been looking back on...

Ok so about 48 hrs ago I was watching YouTube shorts, going through and i stumbled upon a video saying, some people don't believe in the Bible because it was written by men. And ever since then my brain has been going crazy. This doubt is like never before and idk what to do about it. Like literally I'm freaking out. But at the same time I feel like I could give two craps. So here is the kind of thoughts I get. Like I get thoughts saying. How do you know, this or how do you know that. Or like my mind sometimes says bad things, that degrade Jesus. But also at the same time my mind is trying to tell me he is fictional. But I dont believe that atleast i dont think I do. I don't want to believe that. Literally just 48 hours ago my faith was fine, I was talking to God and having a great time and now since then idk what to do. It's like I'm lost my complete faith in God. And idk what to do, it's like my mind is trying to convince me he isn't real, and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm deliberately trying to not believe in him and idk what to do. Idk if I'm ok. I really don't......

(Disclaimer: I don’t have any thoughts about hurting myself or anyone else. No one else, no matter what they think about themselves, should try to hurt themselves or others. And no racism, sexism, classism, ageism, sizeism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, or any other kind of prejudice is ever justified.) ERP can expose you to thoughts that cause anxiety to try to interrupt the cycle of compulsions that help you cope with the anxiety until the thoughts and anxiety come back stronger. This way the thoughts carry less anxiety with them. I get that. And therapy helps give you insight into the intrusive thoughts themselves and to try to look at things other than in black and white. I get that too. The problem is that I don’t just have intrusive thoughts that upset me because they are terrible things that might be true. I have deeply held beliefs, almost like a moral system, a philosophy of life or even a religion, that is part of my identity. These beliefs are: 1. That everything I was ever given and everything I have has been stolen or defrauded from someone else due to the unjust society we live in. 2. That any goodwill, affection, or love that anyone has toward me is the result of their being deluded, codependent, coerced, or brainwashed. At a certain point, someone like me becomes so selfish and takes so much advantage of others that to continue to enable them is to be a doormat. 3. That all humans have rights they deserve, including myself, but that when someone like me who has always had immense privilege, great healthcare, great education, and loving parents and a loving spouse has gone through half their life and done nothing for anyone else and merely been a source of stress and anguish for others, they/I don’t deserve the benefit of the doubt anymore and should be written off by everyone. 4. Therefore, I don’t deserve any kind of help. I should be thrown on a trash heap and left to fend for myself. These beliefs are not instrusive thoughts. I don’t seek or need reassurance because I know these things to be true deep in my soul. This is the core belief that I base everything else in my life on. I knew it was true when I was child, even though no one taught it to me and I was surrounded by love. I know from the bottom of my heart that if I think that I deserve compassion and empathy and if I think that it would be ok for me to enjoy things like friendship, family and marital love, and professional success, I would be a sociopath because only someone with no morals or empathy would think those things when they have been proven, despite having been given everything, to be useless trash. The reason there is so much injustice in the world is that trash like me is not thrown away. I don’t think anyone should hurt me or anyone else. But we should have everything and everyone good taken away from us and left to fend for ourselves. That is the only way that we will have any dignity, because for once in our lives we will only have what we have worked for. I don’t think there are many people like me. I don’t know anyone else who is completely useless and who has completely wasted their life. I don’t think that anyone poor, abused, or oppressed is like me, and I don’t condemn any of them. But I think the fundamental evil in the world is that society enables people like me to suck parasitically on everyone else. We have to be cut off or burned off like the leeches we are in order for the world to be a just place. So what is the point of therapy if this is what I know to be true? Is it just to work up the courage to leave everyone and everything I have and throw myself on a trash heap until I manage to do something with my life? Therapy is not supposed to make you reject your religion, even if you have intrusive thoughts and compulsions that are religious in nature. What if this is my religion?