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I’m really down and don’t have anyone i feel i can turn to. I’m just so tired of living as myself. I hate who i love with including myself. I feel so worthless. Having ocd on top of it makes me feel like im just a waste of space. I dont know how to stop feeling this way. Or if i deserve to. That’s all :(

I had about 3 panic attacks, lost what’s been a very HUGE appetite lately. Cried myself to sleep. Spiraled, spiraled, and spiraled. I’m calming down but I’m still spinning mentally. Probably gonna keep crying all night 😛 I’m sorry if anyone else had a bad day today 💗 We can do this, stay strong 💕

Medication for OCD? Hello all, 19 male here, this seems like a cool community that isn’t nearly as triggering as reddit. I have pretty severe bouts of existential thinking or fear of going crazy ( psychosis ) after some pretty heavy mushroom trips a few years ago, I know logically I should be fine but I do know what it’s like to lose it and it’s scary. Currently I deal with relationship focused OCD, it’s all day from before I even open my eyes. I want things to work out with my girlfriend badly. Also I can come close to a panic attack sometimes which perpetuates everything. Anyway, I mention the fear of going crazy because the way my anxiety/derealization makes me feel is that I’m not mentally stable cause I feel out of it or unreal. I saw that a lot of anxiety and depression medication can cause psychosis and I feel like I could use some help in getting ahead of my OCD because the compulsions are had not to give into when I’m in such distress/not knowing. Plus overall I just feel like I have no idea how I feel about close to anything. Anyone relate about that ?

The 13th of January was when I first started experiencing Rocd. I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend for 9 months. Never had a doubt before. I was literally looking at wedding dresses and couldn’t be happier. I ALSO had been going cold turkey off of my lexepro for a month and a half (I’ve been on ssris since I was 6, I’m 19 now). One day it was like something had possessed me. Like I was fighting the urge to literally break up with my boyfriend. Thoughts flooded my mind. “I don’t love him” “you need to leave”. Of course, I was freaked out. This has been my longest, and ONLY healthy relationship I’ve been in. I never was able to get past the infatuation stage, since either my exes would break up with me, or I’d have to distance myself for my mental health. I love this man. And literally have grown so much since I’ve been with him. He’s been nothing but patient though out this. Which shows me even more tjay I love him. But at last, even though I’m not as anxious anymore. I still have thoughts. “What if I don’t love him” “Am I too young to know what love is, like everyone says” “what if my body is trying to tell me something”. They’re tolerable. But damn. I just want peace sometimes. Can I get any tips from people who have recovered from Rocd. Because I have committed to loving this man for the rest of my life, but I sometimes lose hope that this won’t go away

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? Can someone help me because I'm really hopeless?

I’ve been struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming, and I’m hoping to get some perspective from others here. I feel a lot of guilt about it, and I’m not sure if I’m alone in this experience. Lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming about romantic situations or getting caught up in ‘what if’ scenarios—where I wonder if I could develop feelings for someone else, or if someone develops feelings for me. The thing is, I’m in a relationship that I love, and I don’t want to act on these thoughts at all. What makes it even harder is that these thoughts often hyperfixate on one specific friend, and sometimes they feel entertaining or give me a dopamine rush. But then, of course, I feel even more guilty because it makes me feel like I’m betraying my boyfriend. These thoughts usually happen when I’m upset and looking for comfort, but then they morph into romantic scenarios, which makes me feel so disloyal. I’m constantly going back and forth between feeling curious or entertained by the thoughts and then feeling horrible for even allowing them to happen in the first place. I keep confessing these thoughts to my boyfriend, and he tries to be understanding. He’s just never been the type to daydream, so he doesn’t know if this is something other people experience or if it’s just me. I feel like such an awful girlfriend. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

so i was on instagram and it came up with other signs of ocd then someone commented this doesn’t mean you have ocd now im stressed that its not ocd background - i had so-ocd for a few years then got treatment for it but am now on the waiting list for further treatment for other stuff but i dont have another theme which makes me feel like its not ocd my day to day life consists of touching the door handle every time you go past it or someone will die, and inability to send emails without re reading loads of times and getting other people to check because im scared i wrote something bad but the what if it’s not ocd thought is triggering me now and i don’t know what do

Hi everyone :) My name is Ezzy, joining from Germany. I've always had OCD since I was a little kid (I'm 23 now). Since I'm in my first real relationship for over two years, my OCD decided to cling onto it. I struggle A LOT with false memory ocd too. The thing I wanted to talk about today is about false memory OCD too I think but I'm really not sure. But I want to accept the fact that yes, maybe it did happen the exact same way. But I feel nauseous accepting it. Last year in August I think I met a new colleague and she is GORGEOUS!! She showed me her boyfriend and my head immediately started comparing her bf to mine. The part which I am very unsure about is that I got envious of her boyfriend. Now as much as I remember I never had that problem before but my head keeps telling me that this definitely happened. Let's say it did happen, how can I cope with this? I feel disgusting even thinking about this. Please tell me how to deal with this. I don't want to confess to my boyfriend but it feels so wrong not to. Thank You in advance ❤️

Hello, my name is Tim. I decided to become a therapist because I am fascinated in learning about the ways that people experience and interact with the world around them. In short, I aim to develop a greater understanding for other’s experiences. I was originally interested in treating OCD because of the use of Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). At its core, ERP reveals a valuable lesson, which is confronting the things that we are afraid of helps us grow. Members seem comfortable with me because my first goal in therapy is non-judgemental listening. If you're struggling right now, OCD and ERP are both incredibly challenging, but you are capable and resilient. Just remember to try and take one small step at a time even though it may not feel right or perfect. I'm here to answer any questions you have about your OCD or questions about starting therapy, simply drop them into the comments below!

I obsess about whether I am a cisgender lesbian in denial, and not truly a bisexual trans guy. I feel like this ocd theme developed when I wasn't given support from my parents when I came out as trans. My brain is nonstop overthinking about my identity and I go back and forth between being confident in my identity and insecure. I know that if I were to open up about this insecurity and obsession, my parents would say that it's because I'm not transgender and that they're right about me being female. Having OCD alone, especially themes that overlap, gives me debilitating anxiety. But not being able to talk to my own family about being they're the main cause is OCD cranked up to 1000%. I'm drowning.

Hello, I wonder if it is a common OCD type because i rarely see people talking about this specific theme. So I have always been afraid to change into some people i don't like mentally or physically. It flares time to time and it flared again. I avoid these people's names specific numbers which i relate with them etc. Every time I hear the name of that person my mind is like it is a sign. Now ever since I developed bets and coincidences OCD it became unberable. I know it is impossible magically to turn into someone but my mind goes wild and crazy. It convinces me even though i see myself normal and like myself in the mirror, people might percive me differently as people I don't like. Those people I develop a fear to turn into are mostly people which I consider unattractive or dumb (I know it is morally wrong but again my brain). I wonder if anyone else has the same fear of turning into someone they don't like?

Well, it's been a year since things with my OCD spiraled out of control, which led me to eventually seek a diagnosis and get the help I needed. A little over a couple of months ago, I didn't want to be alive. But now, there's hope for me. I've been managing on my own, but I'm going to start therapy soon (working out insurance right now), and I'm so excited to begin this journey of recovery and working on bettering myself so I'm able to live (and enjoy) a quality life!! ☺️🩷 I wouldn't have made it this far without all the lovely people in this community, so thank you!! To anyone who's struggling right now, it can and will get better, so don't let OCD win. You got this!!

Just kind of putting my thoughts here in hopes it lifts a weight off my chest because I've been feeling very hopeless lately with my OCD. Having just graduated college and being unable to live on my own or have a job because of OCD is really getting to me in addition to my living situation with my family being somewhat of a toxic situation. I feel like I'm stuck in a box and at the all time lowest point of my life which I at first thought was a blessing because when you're at your lowest you can only go up, right? Unfortunately, it seems like I keep outdoing myself when it comes to my lows or just remaining stagnant. When it comes to my OCD, I desperately want to get better and I have an amazing therapist now that I feel like is really helping me but I just can't move forward. It feels like there's some sort of mental block that I just cannot get past when it comes to any clear progress with exposures and treatment and I just feel so awful about it. I find myself so exhausted these days from the constant compulsions and mental stress from being frustrated with myself for giving in to the compulsions. I've always been fairly hard on myself and I feel sure that that's one of the reasons it's so difficult for me to make progress, but it's really hard for me to not beat myself up when my OCD keeps me from doing unbearably simple things like using the bathroom normally. I've forgotten what it was like before my OCD became so severe and I feel almost like a ghost some days. I tend to experience very intense emotions and have very severe lows but recently I find myself feeling more and more resigned to my situation and wanting to put as little effort into my everyday life as I can. Living with OCD is just so exhausting and I feel so weak from it. Every day feels either exactly the same or catastrophic. There's little I find myself looking forward to. I wish for the feeling of safety again that OCD took from me. I want to continue holding out hope that things will get better but I worry often that I'm far too weak to do anything about it. Sometimes it feels like all I can do is drown in my own disgust with what's become of me. I hope this is not forever.

i don't think i ever felt this bad before. ive had ocd since i was 14 or so, almost a decade, but now it's truly the worst it's ever been. i can't even enjoy being with the love of my life anymore, everything about our intimacy triggers me, im costantly afraid that i abused her in some way and that she doesn't remember because she's in denial, or im always terrified im having some horrible intentions towards her and that i always end up forgetting them. it's so deeply confusing, she seems so happy being with me she says she loves me so much and i can see it in how she looks at me, but i feel like a monster. most of the time i wish she could find someone better, if she asked me j would break up with her and do anything in my power to make her have the life she deserves. i don't know what to do anymore im exhausted. therapy is not helping at all, i Just get told constantly that i shouldnt think about these things, that its illogical, and it does nothing for me.

I saw someone mention mental arousal, what does that mean in terms of sex? Is that thinking “oh I really wanna kiss him, I wanna hold his ____. I want to feel him on top of me”? Is it the liking the sex mentally? And then the body physically reacts? I’m worried I’ve only felt the mental and then the physical was forced/I don’t want sex once we start going even tho I did like 10 seconds prior I only feel that before sex/during dirty talk and it makes me wanna kiss him. During sex my head is kinda blank and I’m focusing on the sensations of him touching me. Which I think is normal. I don’t really fantasize during sex. Ig mental arousal would also just be general fantasies from dirty talk and seeing a photo of him shirtless right? Just the thought of it used to get me going but I wouldn’t think of any specific thing tho. Just using the picture. If I wanted a specific scenario I’d start thinking then texting him about it and him building on it and him getting aroused got me going more idk if just me thinking about it ever got me off? Sometimes the fantasies made me really horny but I wasn’t in a place I could do anything. Which I think just means I was aroused physically and mentally so clearly no issue here idk why I panicked. I’m worried I’m no longer mentally or physically aroused by him cuz I don’t feel any of that lately cuz I’m so fioefioeif I’m worried I only feel it for women. I’m bi so technically not an issue but I don’t wanna be thinking about anyone else (mainly friends) like that which is why I’m so uncomfortable but just in general the thought of having a sex with a woman is not appealing to me right now or at all cuz I am dating a wonderful man but that makes me worry I’m pushing down smthn and just denying it. Anyways. Ramble done

I’ve been ruminating since Friday. My ocd is beginning to feel pretty real. I wanna get back on track with my life. I’m really tired. I can’t bare with these intrusive feelings and thoughts. I feel like I’m sinking again. I’m so desperate. I’m irritable , exhausted , I wanna just yell.

I’m 18 and very new to my diagnosis, I’ve had symptoms my whole life but it’s gotten significantly worse within the last few years. I’m honestly just looking for advice. My days feel impossible, I wake up and have to convince myself I’m real, and I continue with that battle my entire day. Sometimes this battle happens and i start worrying that I can’t breathe. When I eat I get worried there’s fentanyl in my food that I will overdose from. My life feels impossible and I can’t see how this will get better or when it will. I’m on medication, and am in conversational therapy but I’m still learning about myself and my triggers etc so it’s hard to know what to talk about, how to explain it best and what can help me overcome my struggles. Anyhoo any advice would be so insanely appreciated. I don’t have a very supportive community around me. they try to be supportive but I don’t think they understand what OCD is or how mine works.

OK, this might sound really dumb, but when you guys get intrusive thoughts, do they just come once and then go away? I’ve heard that repeatedly thinking about an intrusive thought is considered ‘checking,’ but it doesn’t feel like I have any control over how many times it comes up in my head. It’s not like I’m trying to check anything—it just keeps showing up, almost like it’s terrorizing me every time. I can’t seem to stop it from looping, stop remembering it, or prevent it from coming up. Every time it does, I feel horrified, and I already know it’s going to horrify me. I don’t think I’m actively trying to see if my feelings have changed, so is this still considered checking? How do other people get an intrusive thought and just move on? Doesn’t it pop up a million times for them too? I always thought that was normal, but now I’m hearing this could be a compulsion, and I feel really confused, scared, and lost. Is this why my OCD feels so extreme? Because I really don’t feel like I can control how many times the thought pops up.

(what i'm going to say here may not make sense to many, but i want to hear words from real people, i'm tired of searching in the GPT chat) since i was a teenager i have developed certain "fetishisms" with the theme of incest (specifically between cousins), because there was an episode in my childhood that marked me enough for this to happen. i remember consuming a lot of this content (in stories or videos), because i felt a groin sensation (or i was genuinely arroused). i never actually felt mental and moral approval for it, for obvious reasons. i knew it was wrong! but i consumed it because of the feeling..it vaguely reminds me that i didn't feel guilty or anything like that, because unfortunately it's a very commonplace topic and a very collective experience, this "contact" between cousins, however wrong it may be. i recognized that this feeling was wrong, so i simply stopped wanting to have contact with it when i reached a certain age where i was already sufficiently aware of its harmfulness. but now, suffering from these pedophilic-themed thoughts, i realized that the "groinal feeling" i have when these thoughts come to my head, It's the same one i had when i thought about this incestuous theme with my cousin. this made me a little desperate, i went to GPT to look for a plausible answer to this.. i basically said that thoughts about my cousin didn't make me as desperate and agonized as these pedophilic thoughts, and i had the moral conscience behind it, although harmful, it was not AS sick as pedophilia. today i relapsed into pornography again, but i think it was a form of compulsion, perhaps.. i know that my thoughts regarding pedophilia are completely ego-dystonic, because i don't want them. but i don't know, a professional will give my final verdict. I just know that today I researched pornography with an incestuous theme and despite the physiological reaction, i couldn't feel any kind of adrenaline or pleasure in my brain. none. could it have been a compulsion? idk. i don't know anything else.

Being homeless and having contamination ocd definitely don’t go together and up making each other worse and have kept me from solving the other. It’s hard to find anywhere to live when you can’t even carry your stuff in there or feel that’s its not clean enough to let any of your stuff touch that you soent do much time wiping down and that you just straight up have a panic attack and/or pass out and only end up causing those that try to help you misery. And it’s hard to get treatment when you don’t have any time for it as your still trying to find somewhere to live and wondering how your gonna make your next truck payment before your not even able to sleep in you truck. I wish I could just live somewhere and get better but I’ve already expended all of my energy trying to do so for these last 3 months straight. I don’t think I have anymore in me to try and move into somewhere again and wipe all my furniture down yet again. I might just sell it or leave it on the side of the road at this point and buy some basic new furniture, because I just can’t anymore. Not even sure what I’ll do if I do get another apartment as I’d still have to get a mattress into their and that would require getting all of the dirty furniture out of the back of my truck, then washing it out again at the car wash before I could even go and pick up a mattress and that’s gonna be a process that I’ll have to go through several showers and pairs of laundry to do. I’m also running out of clean laundry now and am dreading the thought of trying to wash it at a laundry mat. I usually have to take a shower after I put my clothes in the washer machine and I can’t get the inside of my truck dirty especially since everything I have is also in there and I don’t want to transfer any germs, or gas, or oil, or whatever else is on my dirty clothes, to all of that. Idk what to do anymore. The only other thing I can think of along that route is to try and live with someone else who has contamination ocd. Then I feel like we could really help each other out in everything and eventually help each other get better in an understanding way and the right way. Idk though. Idk how I’m gonna find someone like that. Unless anyone on here is willing?😅 I’m thinking about trying to just check myself in to some mental institution or some in-patient place at this point. I don’t see any other way out at this point. If anyone has any recommendations or knows of place or knows anything about that PLEASE let me know. I’m also thinking about having to sell my truck as I don’t know how I’m gonna keep financing it being jobless and not able to work. Everything I have though is in my pickup, I’m hoping a place like that will let me bring it in or at least some of it. I’ve already gotten rid of so much. That’ll be really scary though as my truck is my complete life line. It’s the only clean safe space I have to stay and what has let me to cleanly bring my stuff around to a new place every now and then (before it doesn’t work out). It’s where I’ve been sleeping and the only place I can really go at this point. Idek anymore. I’m also trying to look into disability and have seen a couple different routes or things I can apply for while trying to research it. I don’t know I don’t even have the focus or willpower or energy to even do that at this point. My body and mind are beyond beyond beyond shot. If anyone knows how to do that or get into that id greatly appreciate it. I have heard from a friend that it might take anywhere from 6 months to a year though if they don’t reject me. Hopefully she didn’t know of the other option or route or didn’t account for something though. That’s all I can hope for. After being jobless, homeless and couch surfing, and constantly trying every waking minute to find a solution and meticulously cleaning everything over and over constantly everytime I find somewhere to stay for a bit and pushing myself to the point that I just completely lose all coordination and access to my short term memory and ability move my arms right, or just straight up have a severe panic attack and/or pass out (if i ever do make it out of this I’ll never complain about “burnout” ever again. This is true burnout) and to where my hands get so dry and cracked that I can’t even bend them or rotate my arms without them cracking and splitting open in several different places every single night and yet ending up at another dead end over and over again each time for 2 months straight has me finally finally after all this time completely burnt out, and willpower and discipline to do so completely overclocked and shattered. My psyche is cracking and I am legitimately starting to go crazy. Throughout this time I’ve lost and ruined many relationships. I’ve been ignored, betrayed and/or talked about behind my back by those I thought I could count on and who I thought I could trust. Who I considered famiIy. I’ve lost or pushed away all of my closest friends. I’m tired hurting those closest to me. Tired of seeing the look of pain on theor faces or hearing the pain in their voice. If I have to take one more dollar or one more crum of food from those that have tried to help me during this time, I think I’m gonna be sick. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everytime I think I’ve found a way out, it’s not. Every time I have gameplan set in place, it fails and falls apart. After all of this I now have the firm belief that someone’s opinion on mentall illness should not hold much weight if they themselves have never developed a mental illness this bad, this debilitating, and lost this much to it. I’m also wondering if anyone has trouble with worrying about transferring oil and gas residue to other things as well? For me it’s not just germs with the contamination ocd, that’s what kinda pissed me off about the description for it. Honestly I think really my biggest fear is just the thought of transferring germs or oil or gas reside to anything of mine that I’ve already miserably spent so much time trying to clean and wipe down that I don’t want to get anything dirty. Especially since I have everything I have all together all the time now with constantly trying to move somewhere or having it all in my truck and sleeping in my truck like I am now… during the dangerously cold Wyoming winters. Anyways does anyone else struggle with that or just the whole oil and gas residue contamination and transfer thing in general? Was wondering if anyone had any experience with that and if so what kind of things they’ve done to help that or what kind of research or science they’ve found to ease their mind or show that it’s not something that operates like they think it does, or that it’s not really as bad as they think it is. Also an example of what I mean too is: I don’t want to get oil or gas on me and then sit in my truck and then the next time I go to run an errand in my clean casual clothes get that on me and then get back home (being hypothetical now w the “home” ig lol) and then sit in my chair or on my bed and get that on those things and then have it transfer all over. Yk what I mean?