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I feel so worthlessssssssss. I feel like I’m not even me anymore . Like my ocd is me.

So basically, I don’t know when this started, but basically whenever I look at a girl, a girl on a phone screen, or even a cartoon that’s a girl, I have this weird tendency that I like them, even though I’m straight. And though I am fairly young (still a teen), I’m positive that I’m straight, but my mind is giving me these weird feelings and signals that I’m not. And disclaimer, I do not have a problem with people with other kinds of sexualities, but I am feared for my life about this. I’ve honestly been keeping these tough emotions and feelings in me for days now. I don’t want to tell my mom because I don’t want her to think bad of me, and we also live in a Catholic household, so the thought of having a different sexuality is a lot on us. I’ve done some of my research, and since I’ve had many different types of OCD for quite some time, I’ve come to the conclusion that apparently I have SO-OCD or HOCD (basically the same thing.) I don’t know if this is true or not. But some other websites have told me that it’s just a part of being a teenager and growing up, and finding what love interest suits you the most, but I honestly have no pleasure with this whatsoever! I constantly think about, “oh, what if you like this girl right there?” Every time I walk past a girl, and sometimes my mind agrees with it, but deep down I don’t want this. And even sometimes, when I’m watching a video, or looking at boys in real life, looking at boy cartoon characters, most of the time, my mind tells me, “this boy is cute. I am attracted to him.” But other times, I completely disagree with that statement. Same with girls, so I don’t know. And also my mind tells me, or something in me tells me that the guys at school that I like, I don’t like them anymore, and instead I look at the girls, in which I know that I’m not attracted to, so it’s just a continuous cycle like that and I don’t know how to stop it. Someone please help because I don’t really know how to explain this, it’s just tough on me.

A little sad and down. I just feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I grew up with trauma, made mistakes, dealt and still deal with hyper sexuality, and my ocd is so bad. All of this makes me feel tainted, like a weird bad person. I hate being around people and even talking to therapist bc I feel like ive successfully fooled them. Also, I recently saw a POCD hate train on TikTok so now I just feel like a fraud. I get all these thoughts and feelings that im just using ocd as a mask because I actually am a bad person.. and that im some sicko or something, and also my brain tells me and I go back and forth with myself about “oh you just have morals because you don’t want to be shunned from society, and if you were to have no rules you would do disturbing things” and I know I wouldn’t, because I have morals now that are ingraved into me…I just want a normal life. I just want to feel normal. I tend to feel useless in this world, when I really want to do good things but I feel tainted and like I taint this world. I try not to let this consume me but it’s hard.. If you read this thank you. I know I am just in a funk right now but sometimes I wonder if it will be a forever funk… or that I need to “accept” im a bad person so that I can move on… which I won’t bc even if I am (maybe maybe not… I will never know with ocd) I wouldn’t want to be.

Today I've let myself go down a huge rabbit hole regarding this phrase and it's stressing me out. Sometimes, yes, it is that deep. But other times, it really isn't. I keep finding myself torn between these two ideals. I've been seeing all these videos regarding the rise of anti-intellectualism and the anti-woke mob, all that. These videos make me extremely worried about cancel culture and moral guilt, and they had me rethinking every morally wrong, gross, questionable thing or thought I ever had. I saw many comments saying that yes everything is that deep and it feels like my mind is on constant security and asking myself "what would the internet think about the things I've thought of or may have done?" On one hand, I feel like if I say "it's not that deep", I feel like a hypocrite or a bad person or an idiot. But on the other hand if I say "it is that deep", my OCD begins to spiral and analyze everything about myself. It's not healthy to overanalyze everything but it's also not healthy to ignore bad things. It's very stressful Does anyone relate to this?

hi guys, i’m struggling again. the other day, my bf and i went to get ice cream and there was this girl with a fat ass. i pointed it out first because like super impressive and she’s my ideal body type at the moment. (note: i get jealous and freak over girls i have jealousy to) so i was staring at him to see if he was looking at her but i couldn’t tell, he was looking in her direction but she was in the front counter. idk if he was looking at her. i brought it up and he was really sweet about it and reassured me that he didn’t and that he purposely didn’t look out of respect for me. i believe him but i have a little voice in my ear telling me he’s lying and he obviously was looking. any tips on how to diminish that little voice ??

So earlier I posted this.. "I had socks on and I stood on something kind of hard, and I looked at what it was and I couldn't tell if it was like a tiny piece of poop (from cat) or chocolate or something. I took my socks off obviously but now I'm worried that 1) I should wash my feet and 2) I should change my trousers because they kind of trail on the floor a bit. I just don't know what to do." And I'm still really panicking. Because I've been in my bed – I napped. My trousers and my feet have been in my bed. And I just don't know what the "right" thing to do is. My brain is telling me I need to accept uncertainty. Fine. But then the logical side of my brain is telling me "YOU COULD HAVE POOP ON YOU. LIKE SERIOUSLY COME ON ANYONE WOULD WASH THEIR FEET". I have no idea what to do. I'm so stressed.

I know OCD is a hard thing for those around us to cope with, but man… I feel so dismissed by the people in my life. I actively stopped seeking reassurance from them — but they can still tell I’m sad, so when they ask me why, I tell them, and this is what I get: My mom: “Oh my god, you’re on this AGAIN?! You’re driving yourself crazy! If you refuse to go on pills, I don’t know what to say at this point.” My boyfriend: “This is just getting repetitive. You’ve been so sad lately, and if you’re gonna be a bummer to be around, then I don’t know what to say.” Honestly, I don’t feel like my support system is very good, but maybe I really am just driving them crazy and need to own it? Because, believe me, I wish I could just stash it all away and be okay, but the whole issue is that I can’t. Plus, ERP literally tells me to do the opposite, and I’m still learning how to do ERP properly, so it’s gonna take time. I started ERP therapy. I bought self-help books and I’m reading them. I’m doing meditation daily. I’m moving my body and trying to keep doing what makes me happy. But, it seems like if I’m not 100% better immediately, no one has patience for me.

My boyfriend told me that he feels like he’s losing me, that I’ve changed, that I never seem happy to see him anymore, and that I haven’t told him I love him in a long time. Hearing this completely broke me. I feel numb, stuck, and unable to process my emotions. I don’t understand what’s happening to me. What if he’s right? What if I don’t love him anymore and I’m just in denial? I want to feel something when I’m with him, but I feel blocked. I feel like I can’t express love the way I used to, and now he’s noticing it too. That makes me feel even worse, because he doesn’t deserve this. He’s been trying to help me, but he told me that I’m not changing, and now I feel like I’m the problem. Even when I’m calm, I still feel disconnected. My brain doesn’t work the same anymore—I can’t think clearly, I can’t process my emotions like I used to. I thought that when my anxiety would go down, I would finally feel normal again, but even in moments of calm, I feel like I don’t know what’s real. I feel like a horrible person, like I’m emotionally unavailable and ruining everything. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I just want to go back to how I used to feel, when love wasn’t something I questioned every second. im ruining my relationship

my boyfriend td he feels like he is losing me , like im different amd, that i have changed, that i never told him i live him anymore and im never happy to see him as i used to. why is this happening to me. i feel numb. is my fear real? im a horible person

Hi everyone☀️ has anyone ever vented to a friend without knowing it is a compulsion? Meaning like you believe the thoughts so much in your head you vent to them and they agree with you? Which then fuels your obsessions about your relationship even more? I have really done that less lately the more I have learned about my ROCD, but wanted to know if anyone else experiences this? It’s so hard when we think we are just venting and then someone agrees or goes along with the obsession because they don’t understand the OCD..which then fuels my ROCD 😭 idk if I’m making sense lol hopefully someone understands

So I havent started NOCD therapy yet, I see my therapist on Monday. Backstory- I was on paxil and I started having lots of break through anxiety/panic last year. So in December my dr and I decided that I should try a different SSRI. On dec 27th I started a crosstaper off paxil on to lexapro. Little over one week I did 15mgpaxil and 5mg lexapro. Then I did a little over 1 week on 10mg and 10mg of both. Then went to 5mg paxil and 10mg lexapro. Then 2.5 paxil for a couple days then on Jan 21st I start just 10mg lexapro. From there I did about 18 days on 10mg then moved to 12.5mg lexapro. Then this past Saturday I went up to 15mg. During this I have been taking ativan for my anxiety and panic attacks. I had ativan or xanax to take as needed before but during the starting of lexapro I have been taking ativan almost everyday to cut the anxiety. Then I googled if I was addicted/dependant on my ativan and got scared from what I read. Then I started reading about ativan withdrawals and that scared me. So last night and this morning I've been spiraling on if I'm going to have a seizure from the ativan and I started panicking this morning when all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep in since I didn't have to go anywhere today. Since I started panicking I took my ativan and now I feel like a loser. I just want the lexapro to start working so I can feel some what normal again. I have good days and bad days and yesterday and today were bad days... When does this get better... I hate worrying about my health and if something is wrong or if something will cause me to get sick. Im scared to die and my emdr therapist says that means that I love being alive and respect life but then why do I waste it worrying and living in fear

Prior to coming to college, I knew that I was having thoughts that other people weren’t having and that it controlled my actions or feelings of guilt in a way that I just couldn’t see in my friends but I ignored it. Since coming to college, my compulsions and stressful thoughts have gotten a lot harder to handle and my new friends have started pointing out that they think I have OCD. I’ll try to explain some of the reasons people have pointed out or I’ve noticed but at the end of the day I always question if I’m just doing these things for some sort of attention or something. I have this strong belief that when I’m walking on pavement, the amount of times that I start stepping on a tile with either my right or left foot have to match. And people always ask me if I’m just superstitious about stepping on the cracks but I don’t mind that as long as I make it match with my other foot. The problem is that whenever I’m unable to “make the tiles or cracks match” I feel like I’ve left some universal channel open and something extremely bad will happen to me in the next 24 hours (after that it resets). Sometimes it makes me look weird when I’m walking and it’s really embarrassing when people ask me about it and I can’t fully explain the concept to them. People generally just get confused and I feel like they just regret asking and think I’m weird. Once, when I was walking down the street with some of my friends, i ran out of tiles to make my steps even and totally FREAKED OUT. I got really anxious and I couldn’t stop bouncing my leg. One of the people I was with made me feel terrible about it when he said “wait that’s actually real?” So now my fears of faking OCD just because has become a bit more real to me since my friends don’t understand the full extent of how it makes me feel, even when they’re actively seeing me break down. Besides this, which is really the most inconvenient part of my potential OCD, there’s a multitude of other things I’ve noticed that show signs of it. Whenever I take a test, I have to be wearing at least 2 hairbands on my wrist and be wearing a sweater in order to do well. Numbers really matter a lot to me because they each have a different meaning and I’m scared of some of them. When I was little, and even now in other instances besides sleeping, I used to count how many times I rolled over before I fell asleep in fear that I would land on one of the bad numbers. For example, 1 would mean a serial killer was in my room, 3 would mean something would come out of the mirror, 4 would mean a doll came to life and was trying to murder me with a knife, etc. They all sound like stupid fears and are highly improbable but it used to feel very real to me. Now I still associate those numbers with the bad things but I’ve worked on trying to expose myself to certain numbers some nights and find some safe ones. Now the number 4 has changed in meaning and evolved into my worst fear, the zombie apocalypse. This all ties back to my tile crack issue because when I “leave the channel open” by making my steps uneven, the number I mess up at (ex: 4 tiles started on the right means I need to start the next four with my left) is the chaos that the channel will bring. Also, I constantly feel like a terrible person because I’m scared that I’m faking my sexuality even though I only like girls. I’ve been closeted for so long throughout high school that sometimes I feel like my current shame and fear of telling important people in my life (ie. parents, family friends, people who I feel are slightly homophobic) is a sign that I’m not like devoted enough to my sexuality – making me scared of calling myself a lesbian. I’ve also never been with a girl because I only recently came out at college and it fuels my rumination that I subconsciously must just be asexual or once again doing it for attention. I’ve tried dating guys to make my mom believe I wasn’t lesbian but kissing them or the thought of spending the rest of my life with a man always makes me literally cry. I go to Virginia Tech and the lack of an LGBTQ+ community here is making my coming out process and search for a true relationship extremely difficult and bleak. Whenever I see a girl I don’t find attractive (even though I see a bunch that I do) it scares me and makes me think I might not actually be lesbian even though I like girls. Idk what to even say about this it just sucks. There’s so much more that I can relate to based on the discussion board such as fears of accidentally having pdophelia and cheating on people I’m not even dating. But at this point I feel like I’ve already written an essay and I don’t even know where to start with the different types of OCD and where to seek a diagnosis. The hardest part about asking for help or guidance is the fact that I never attempted to get diagnosed, making it feel like I can’t even claim that I have it. Thanks for reading this, please write back if you can relate at all :)

I posted recently on this app about my false attraction Someone told me to stop obsessing and you'll know whether they're really false..! it triggered me But when i tried to calm down and asked myself am I really attracted to girls i heard a voice YES..😓 Like i havent been professionally diagnosed with hocd And also im too young they say im just exploring.. but how??I've always been interested boysand i ve always had supportive background but i dont want to am into coming out process? Im going crazy now, cant feel anyting almost out of breaths...

I’m really scared that if I stop panicking about my thoughts, they will become real. Lately, I’ve been feeling irritated by my boyfriend, and sometimes I even think he annoys me or disgusts me. When these thoughts come, they feel so real, like I genuinely don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. And now I’m terrified that if I stop reacting with fear, it means I actually don’t want him, and I’ve just been in denial this whole time. What if the fact that I’m getting used to these thoughts means I’m actually accepting them as the truth? What if my fear was the only thing keeping me from realizing I don’t love him anymore? I’ve read about people saying that, with ROCD, thoughts lose their power over time, but I’m scared that in my case, that will just mean I’ll end up accepting something I don’t want to be true. On top of that, I had a situation where I noticed a guy at school, and my anxiety made me obsess over it. I remember seeing him last year and paying attention to how he dressed, which made me panic and think, ‘What if I like him?’ The thought wouldn’t leave my head, and I even thought about it at home, which made me feel guilty. Recently, I had to go to his classroom for a project with my teacher, and when I saw him, I felt like I got nervous or something. Now I’m terrified that I like him, and that it means I don’t love my boyfriend. I don’t even know his name, I don’t want to know, but my mind won’t stop obsessing over it. Meanwhile, my boyfriend told me he doesn’t feel loved by me anymore, and that breaks my heart. I feel so guilty because I’m constantly thinking that I don’t like my boyfriend, and now my brain is telling me I like someone else. What if I’m only with my boyfriend because I don’t want to hurt him? What if I’m in denial? I just want to feel normal again. my boyfriend is amazing he dosent deserve this

hi this is my first post on here and I’m in desperate need for anyone to hear me out and offer support or advice or just about anything even though I’m fully aware reassurance is a nono A little about me : early 20s, straight female (my soocd would disagree lol) and mild to moderate autism I started seeing an ocd therapist a couple months ago and she was lovely. I was coming out of a difficult period of my life where I had stopped my ssri and that decision bit me in the ass because my ocd came back in full force (soocd, real event, pocd, rocd, pure ocd thoughts, statements, etc ) For the most part all of my themes have settled but today my rocd has struck so hard I can barely function, I’ve been a crying wreck all day feeling sick with shame and guilt over my fears with my bf and not finding him attractive all the time or when I notice other attractive men and sometimes I question if he is it for me because he is my first everything so I have nothing to compare to and all these thoughts are so overwhelming (even normal curiosity about dating other people freaks me out) I love him so much (at least i think i can never be 100% certain) and that’s what *obviously* scares me. No one here can tell me how I feel but I’m just so scared and the guilt and shame is eating me alive Another trigger of mine is the fact he wasn’t my type physically when we first met (we weren’t dating then) but overtime I started to like him a lot his personality complimented mine and he became attractive to me and I felt all the lovey feelings and excitement Essentially I’m scared I don’t really love him because if I truly did I wouldn’t notice or fixate on his physical flaws or the things he does or doesn’t do that bother me sometimes I try to think logically he probably has similar thoughts about me but doesn’t bat an eyelid Im just so tired and I can’t see my therapist till Friday :((

Hello there. I’m new here and think I may have OCD I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. However, in my early teens, I started experiencing obsessive fears and engaging in compulsions because my brain convinced me that if I didn’t perform a certain action a specific number of times, it would “prove” that I wanted something terrible to happen. When I was 17, I began seeing a therapist and opened up to her about this. She diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and I accepted the diagnosis But last night, I became curious about whether people with GAD engage in compulsions and have specific fears, so I looked it up. I was shocked to learn that these are not typical characteristics of GAD Now, I would love to find a therapist who specializes in OCD so I can get a formal diagnosis and the appropriate treatment

Finding this app has helped me a lot in feeling like I'm not isolated and I've definitely met so many kind and helpful people here. You guys have helped me on my darkest days. However, because of my fragile state of mind, I think scrolling on here is becoming a compulsion and I feel like I end up triggering myself more by scrolling through some posts. I think it just ends up adding more to my intrusive thoughts and more ammo for my false memories and POCD to latch on to. And I know exposures are good for treating OCD, but this level of exposure seems to be doing more harm than good. So I will try to be less active (maybe I won't, who knows lol).

I want to have a crush on Pennywise cause I just think he looks good character wise but people say his true form is female but the Robert gray is also supposed to be Pennywise which is male. I don’t want to have a crush on a female character eww. So I need someone’s help on the it lore I’m ruminating on this character cause I have a fictional crush on Pennywise and no one understands me. And the IT creature is supposed to be female so doesn’t that sadly mean the clown is female? SOS please send help

i just installed this app so i dont really know what im doing, but if you see this please reply: do i have ocd? when i was younger, i believe i had ocd, due to me have to do things a certain number of times, for example when i got in a car i would have to tap the chair in front of me at least 4(or an even amount) times or else i was just feel..incomplete? i dont know the name for this feeling, but it is very stressful. there were many others things i had to do like this. then after awhile this symptom went away until this past 2 years, but it is much worse. i still do the thing where i have to do things a certain amount of times, but now i also am just really afraid of things being out of order, not necessarily messy, but in a place which i dont rmeber where it is, and i dont trust my self if i did something, for example shutting a door behind me, i have to look back like 3 times to make sure i actually did it even thought i definitely did, but i just have to make sure or else i have the feeling of being incomplete. sometimes i have to shut jt over and over again. i make sure i do these little things such as putting one coin in my pocket everyday and if i forget it so stressful to me to the point of tears and breakdowns. this stuff makes me extremly stressed and sometimes i have to go back to harming myself to relieve this feeling, which isnt good, but its like the only thing i can do to solve it. there are many more things that i do that i think is ocd but the paragraph already long so just please let me know if this is ocd?

Hi NOCD community. I am a U.S. citizen living abroad and have been struggling to find online therapy that could explore topics such as intrusive thoughts and compulsions. I am not officially diagnosed with OCD but have considered seeing a Psychologist for about 3 years now. However, a lot of the therapists on here are only in America or Canada. Has anyone experienced or found a way to seek online therapy abroad? Also, what did the process of getting diagnosed look like? I am not seeking to “have” OCD. I’ve only been curious because if it was something I’m diagnosed with, it would answer a lot of questions I have about myself and my intrusive thoughts. They can be debilitating and harmful and I’m wanting to seek help. If you have any information let me know! Thank you 💓