Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I recently lost my job and decided I don’t want to go back to the workforce. I have the skills I need to create a job for myself. Unfortunately, my fear of failure/imposter syndrome is really taking its toll. I think I’m scared I won’t be able to find clients. Meanwhile, my savings will run out, and I’ll be poor and miserable again. Because of this, my brain can’t focus and is instead compelling me to figure out the fastest route to income with the least effort and risk of failure. But everything I want to do is risky somehow. I also think I haven’t gotten over losing my job. My bosses unceremoniously laid me off at the end of my workday. They claimed it was because of budget concerns and clients asking for work that was outside my skill set, but I don’t believe them. My send-off came only a few hours after I asked one of my bosses if I could do freelance work outside the office. I’d asked before because i didn’t want to do things behind their backs. But I think they saw it as me not being committed to the company anymore. My head is just a mess right now.

MY STORY i’ve grown up in a mostly supportive family and area and we are not homophobic. i grew up knowing what gay people were and i don’t care i grew up not to care. im from nj. my parents are friends with a lesbian couple and we see them once in while. i grew up watching people like joey graceffa whose gay. i also had some school friends that were gay like this kid kevin and this girl elizabeth. i also babysit a little gay boy who likes to dress up as a girl and i always tell him to embrace it and defend him. i wouldn’t care if a friend was gay or anything like i wouldn’t care if my sister was it would just make me rethink things about myself i think. from a young age i liked male attention and had labeled boys as crushes from my mom says. i dont think i liked girls when i was younger and my mom said it was only guys. but idk maybe there was. However i do remeber hairy men when i was younger would gross me out like with black hair and pale. my mom said every since i was a little girl i would tell her i liked boys. as i got older and in middle school i always wanted guys to want me and think i was funny and pretty and i would get awkward around them and nervous around them. but i remeber i didn’t have specific things i found hot or attractive and if someone said something was hot i would just agree and start telling myself it was hot even when i didn’t care i just wanted to be cool. then hocd hit at 13-15 during covid where i was so confused. the first time i had hocd i would like not avoid the thoughts i would do a lot of testing to figure it out for hours and hours in diffrent ways and would feel the same arousal and attraction im feeling now. but i remeber wanting to end up straight and try and rule out gay stuff. but it wasn’t avoidance i didnt have anything against gay people. when the thoughts were still there i still would only act on stuff with boys. when i first had it i remeber crying to my mom for like a month and i was like whatever she’s not helping im gonna figure this out by myself. that’s when i started testing myself for two years. over time it was just there. ofc it was distressing but i don’t remember much. slowly when i went to high school it faded because i loved going to parties and flirting with guys and talking about them and thinking what boy am i gonna kiss tonight it’s gonna be a crazy night. when covid ended and we went back to real like i started going to parties and kissing boys. i started dating one boy and we would talk all the time just not really hangout so we broke up because i wanted more male attention and was kinda bored of the relation shop. i started hu with this one boy and like didn’t really know if i was into it cause i kinda wanted to hoe around and we were kinda like locked in and i didn’t know if i wanted that. so he got the hint i wasn’t into it and stopped talking to me moved on to another girl and got popular in the span of like two weeks. after this i was obsessed with him and got all nervous to see him and i always just wanted to be like can we go back to the way we were. we then started to “hate” eachother and i was so sad all the time he didn’t want me anymore and moved on. we hooked up in and off for two years. then i started hooking up with this one kid cause i always thought he was really funny and chill. we hooked up for a little and then i started to get the ick. i then got with like two other boys at parties. so then we stopped talking and i started talking to the “hate eachother kid” again. we then started dating and he’s my current boyfriend of a little over a year. all these instances made me feel good and i loved the attention and drama. but i struggled with committing with people. i don’t know if this all for validation because i loved when men wanted me it gave me an ego boost and still does even if i didn’t really want them or couldn’t get it to last with a boy. i’m scared it was all for attention and confidence there attention gave me. i liked feeling like a baddie. i liked when the hot funny guys liked me now at 18 it’s back and for six months all i been doing is talking to my mom my sister and my dad about it constantly researching and checking and for those six months i was in a haze of just despair. i was also in erp but it was so bad i couldn’t sit with the distress so i didn’t make much progress and my pyscuatrust told me to stop for a while until we get my brain right with meds. after three weeks no erp and more meds of seretonin and rexulti i finally don’t feel distress or anxious but the feelings of attraction are still there. i thought there supposed to vanish. i’m from nj and from a supportive family and ig supportive environment and friends. i’m 18. and in high school okay so growing up my mo said i only liked guys and would talk about guy crushes and had two celebrity guy crushes. this was all the way up into middle school. then when middle school came around i started liking this guy cause he was funny and popular. then we started dating and everytime he would do something affectionate i would start crying and get so tense and freak out so i broke up with him because he made me so nervous . a year later i still liked him and i got back together with him and the same thing happened so i broke up with him. i think during middle school i liked guys. my mom said i did. i also would get really nervous when any of them would come around to hangout and i wouldn’t talk. but i would also just follow what my friends and sister said. if they said a guy was hot i would just agree. i dont know if i actually found them attractive. i still kinda do this to this day. then covid hit for two years. during those two years i was in my house house and got hocd. so i had hocd sexual intrusive thoughts only and had the groinal really bad. but i would still try and have crushes on guys and think i did. but my hocd also attached itself to one of my pretty friends who was a girl. it made me have a lot of sexual thoughts that i would masturbate to about her. it was about her waist and stuff and it made me loose myself. before hocd me and her were bestfriends and really close and im not sure if i had feelings for her. i mean i was always jealous cause all the guys always wanted her and thought she was pretty. then we got out of covid and i was now in high school. the hocd slowly faded my freshman year. in the begining of freshman year there was this tall brunette guy who i started talking too for months and started dating and i would get all nervous when he came around. i really liked him and enjoyed talking to him. then we broke up cause we never hung out. after that for the next two years i developed what i thought two be two genuine crushes. i would make out with cute guys at parties for the experience and to add cute guys to my kids list. basically hocd was gone but i did this one thing sometimes i did is i would always try to prove i was straight to my mom. like if we were watching tv i would say a guy was hot. i didn’t want her to think i was gay even though she wouldn’t care at all but i would do this because she was the only one i would talk to about my sexual intrusive thoughts and feelings. i was hooking up with my guy best friend but then started to looses interest but he was still obsessed. one day he caught on i wasn’t into it started hanging out with older people and going to there parties and started hooking up with this older girl. i got super jealous and heartbroken cause he didn’t care about me. i don’t know if this heartbreak and crying was because he got popular, he wasn’t giving me attention, we weren’t friends anymore or because i actually liked him. i always had a thing for him after this. i started going to the older people parties and i always wanted to see him there and make him jealous. one and half years later we started talking again and we started dating. once we started dating we started having sex. almost every time or most of the time i finish when he eats me out, we have actual sex or if we’re just humping. we say i love you and stuff. ths first six months we would do everything together like just little shopping trips or whatever. we were always hanging out. then it started to dial down and i started getting annoyed with him sometimes which my mom and sister said was normal. but i still said love you and we would hangout and have sex but idk. i would have thoughts like we aren’t going to last because he’s not smart enough, and sometimes my mom would say this too. but she would also say how much he loved me and how he was such a sweet guy and how he would do anything for me. but idk i just wouldn’t feel it. like i still showed pda and did like him. would a lesbian who didn’t know it yet likely date a guy for a year and a half at 18, have sex like once a week, have orgasmed during penetration, creamed, squirted finished by his hands and mouth then hocd hit again. this time much worse. it was even stronger it felt like with the feelings. the first three months i was in this haze and was crying everyday that i might be gay and how i really really really didn’t want to be. i still have hocd and im in therapy and on medication. i cant tell if my attraction to men is real. my mom says it is and she knows me and im not gay and ive shown genuine excitement about guys. my sister says the same thing. but it feel like ive convinced myself ive been doing it to fit in. the thoughts got bad and ive told my mom my sister my dad and ive told three friends. my mom and sister ive told the details too or the intrusive thoughts and false attraction. i’ve always found women attractive and i find it easier to find them attractive like physically but never felt this way can i conclude im not lesbian? or like is it likely my attraction to men hasn’t been genuine

[ vent ] At times, I'll be doing fine, and I won't be thinking about anything, and then boom. I have thoughts like, you don't love your partner, you only say I love you to convince yourself you love him, you don't actually like him. It makes me really upset because I genuinely do like my partner, I genuinely do want to be with my partner, I wouldn't do anything to hurt him, and I love him so much. But I always tend to talk to AI, and AI is always telling me my symptoms are just ROCD. And I just want to get rid of it because I didn't have these problems before, and now I do, and I just want them to go away. Yesterday, I was literally crying because of how bad I felt. My partner does me amazing, he treats me amazing, but my thoughts always lead me to wonder, what if this isn't ROCD and I just genuinely don't like my partner? Even though, as much as I want to, what if I don't, but I really do, and I want to be with him, and I do love him. Recently, I've talked to him about these feelings, and he told me that he's felt like this before as well, but the way he comes with it, he doesn't think about it as much. But me, it goes in my head over and over and over and over and over and over, it's like a loop or a cycle that never ends. And I always look up, how can I heal from ROCD, and it just says to settle with the thoughts, don't look for reassurance, and it's hard not to do that because like, what else am I supposed to do? It's hard for me not to do that because it's so heavy, and to me, for my ROCD, it never shows up as what if questions, it always shows up as statements like, you don't, you don't love him, you don't want to be with him, you're only saying that you love him to convince yourself you do, stuff like that. It's hard

Parenting and maintenance of OCD are both very much full time for me right now. I know parenting never changes and is always a full time job but I really am feeling frustrated at OCD and of having to constantly navigate this monsterous debilitation that reares it's ugly head every so often. I have to get my balance better.

So this is really interesting to me and a good thing indeed. Looks like I’ve made an achievement, which is certainly pretty awesome. My first post in this app, my first interaction of any form that i can remember, was that i was just so sad. That’s all i could say, nothing else. I was so empty and lost and sad. But because of the people here, my awesome therapist Leigh Joiner, and my immediate family, I’ve found support like I’ve never encountered before. My friends couldn’t do it, not myself, my blood family, nor social media. I simply couldn’t find anything of value i could lean on, even if virtually. I started therapy outside of here after years of f’ing everything up but thinking i was getting it right. I finally found some answers, something i could look at, think about, rework, or write off. I’m not fixed, far from it, but I’m better and that counts a wicked lot. I’m not dodgy anymore, not questionable, not a liar. Not to myself or anybody. None of that worked for me or anybody close to me. This is a journey, a welcomed and long awaited breath of fresh air. I’ve been fortunate to remain where i am and have the chance to be better, rather than lose everything. I’ve lost enough to hurt for a long time, but i didn’t lose everything. Mostly, i gained myself, who I’ve tried to be for so long. Myself isn’t a word that brings immediate disgust anymore. I’m far from where i want to be, but I’m so very far from who i was. Leigh said a few times that she’s proud of me for all of my accomplishments. But she’s repeatedly said she’s proud of me for sticking with healing, not backing down, being willing to face and correct things. Sticking with it doesn’t always bring success, but it sure as hell brings a sense of self worth and a step forward that simply cannot be matched by a star next to my name on a roster, or even a cookie lol. Thank you to all the people who have chimed in on my posts, for all that help me understand things i didn’t have right, for listening and hearing me as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, jokes, stories, and wisdom with me. Please continue to do so and i will as well. If you’re struggling, it’s ok, we are as well. Don’t struggle alone, but lean on each others abilities and knowledge as we do the same. I’m probably reaching the word limit lol. Thank you everyone for being exactly you. Know you’re capable, beautiful, and most of all, so very worth the effort💯🤘🥹.

Should I feel guilty about being friends with someone I used to hangout with before my partner? This guy hangs out with my friends so it’s hard to avoid him. And then feelings happen and I’m learning that my feelings don’t have to hold significance. Should I feel guilty I’m like why do I still like to be around guys Maybe this is just life. I’m going to see these people. Idk

anyone else feel like something in your life needs to change, like either your job, your relationship, or where you live but you're afraid to make any decisions in case it's fueled by ocd

Yesterday something happened with my partner and I can’t stop thinking about it, even though it’s technically “resolved.” We were listening to music and he was singing along to a song that had the word “hoes” in it (like in the offensive way, referring to women). I told him that I didn’t like him singing that part. He first said that the word wasn’t even in the song. We rewound it – and it was in there. What triggered me wasn’t even the lyric itself, but his reaction. When I said something like “Oh, I must’ve misheard,” he didn’t say anything. No “Yeah, maybe” or “Oh no, you were right” – just silence. That moment really stuck with me. To me, it felt like he knew it was in the song but didn’t want to admit it. I also doubt his honesty because of that silence. It’s like my brain says: “If he were being honest, he would’ve just confirmed it.” Later on, he explained that he didn’t really notice what he was singing, and he hadn’t been paying attention to that part. So technically, we talked about it. But my brain won’t let go of that one moment where he stayed silent. Now I feel this strong urge to bring it up again, just to “make sure” nothing was hidden or dishonest – but I don’t want to, because I’ve already brought up similar things before and I know it’s hard on him. I feel stuck between: “Something’s off, you should talk about it again.” and “It’s your OCD, let it go.” Does this sound like ROCD to you? Or is it reasonable to be upset about this? Has anyone experienced something like this – where a small moment of silence or weird reaction makes your brain spiral?

I’ve been dating around. And so far I’d say it’s been going good. However I’m in a bit of a sticky situation. I really like this boy and he really likes me. But I am 100% going on an LDS mission, and I really don’t want to be in a relationship over my mission because I want the most fulfilling experience as possible with limited distractions. I know that I could just break up with someone over the mission, I just don’t see the point in dating someone with the intent of breaking up with them. However this boy is a year younger than me which means we would most likely leave around the same time (assuming he serves a mission, which is non negotiable in order to date me). Here’s my other concern, he has been very flirting with me and I can tell he really wants to pursue something with me (he even said it to a friend) and I guess I’m just scared to tell him my concerns because I don’t want to lose him as a friend. One idea I’ve had is that we could date, make a deal that we try again after the mission with no promises, then let everything sort itself out. But I would definitely need to talk to him about this whole thing. I know I have some time, I just really want to do what’s right. I’m also a little worried because single life can be fun and I’ve grown a lot by being single. I know that I need to have an open conversation with him, I just don’t know when the appropriate time is. He doesn’t even know that I know that he has feelings for me. We have a double date coming up and it’s a movie date so I’m worried that he will try and make a move on me. A big part of me wants to talk about this before even holding hands. I don’t want to just bring this up out of the blue though because we have only been in the talking stage for about two weeks. I know that might sound crazy that I’m planning so far ahead but I just want to be prepared, I don’t want him to feel lead on or used in any way. I also know that holding hands is not uncommon at this stage especially considering the dating culture in Utah.

I hope everyone is doing well! I included this cute little image below, but I'm also in need of advice! I'm wondering if anyone has any videos of tips on how to focus on building confidence in yourself? I'm beginning to realize that I base a lot of my self-worth on other people's opinions... just in general. This is an example, but I'll hear about celebrity drama online and, at first, not really care. But eventually, I'll cave if people keep talking about it or it comes across my feed, and I'll just scroll through video after video—comment after comment—trying to make sure that my opinion will be the "correct" one. Does that make sense? This is so stupid 😭 but it really affects me. I try to stay off social media as much as possible, save for YouTube, but I feel like this is something I legitimately need to work on. I'm still young, but I don't want to spend my 20s letting shit like this affect me. I want to be confident in WHO I am, which is hard with OCD stirring up doubt, but I think it'd be good for me! So, if anyone has any recommendations or advice, please let me know! Thank you! 🤍

This is my first week back to work after being off for 6 months to grapple with my OCD as it became extremely debilitating. I made mistakes when my OCD returned and self medicated with alcohol. Partly due to the OCD but also due to severe back pain from working the California fires in January. Long story short I was pulled over and arrested for DUI and although I was a low BAC it was still enough to be taken in and since then I have hired a lawyer to handle it as I dealt with my OCD treatment. I also returned to work and at which point they had been aware of the dui due to a license information pull by the dmv. Even though I have already had the DMV side dismissed as it was proven I wasn’t over the limit while driving, I am still trying to beat the court side. Either way I am now dealing with a ton of fallout at work for this even if I’m proven to be innocent. It has really put me into a dark place and it makes me fantasize about ending it. I know that, that isn’t the way and that’s not the way to win at this. I’m really digging in to sitting with the uncomfortable and what ifs and trying not to solve for problems that have not happened yet.

How do you guys handle uncertainty? I keep having so many what if thoughts and I feel so bad. The worst ones are what if I act on my intrusive thoughts or actually want them and I can’t tell if they’re me or not. It just feels so real and at this point I don’t even know if they’re intrusive thoughts anymore. I just want to not be a bad person and not feel like this anymore.

I’ve decided to start taking my prozac. I’ve had a fear of taking medication for so long and tried all the natural methods but nothing is helping. I’m having panic attacks everyday and living in constant anxiety/fear that I’m ruining my life, losing my dreams, and ruining my relationship. I think it’s time to try.

About 2 years ago I gave my life to Jesus. I've always been a "Christian" but never truly lived liked one until then. One day I had a thought about is God real? It bothered me so bad and I went into a massive spiral. Doubting everything. My faith. if I was good enough. Am I really saved? Do I have enough faith? Is my doubt real? Is it too much? Have these blasphemous made God not want me anymore? Or Jesus? :( Then I started having horrible blasphemous thoughts, then it would go back to doubting thoughts then back to the blasphemous ones. I hated the thoughts and doubts. The thoughts are so mean towards God, Jesus & HS. It’s anywhere from evil thoughts to cussing thoughts to rejection thoughts/denying. Demonic thoughts. Literally anything bad you could think of! Even thoughts of if I really love them or wanna follow them. I feel so trapped or my faith isn't the same. Which makes me sad because I want my faith! I feel like I've gotten lazy and honestly that I don't deserve them or am "too far gone" from them. I feel like idk how to be a Christian or how to have faith or just exist tbh. I’m in a constant struggle of fear, anxiety and sadness. I wanna love God & Jesus! I want faith! I just feel kinda stuck. Please help. I feel so numb and don’t know what to do. Has anyone gone through this or has advice or tips?

I keep having these extreme moods of anger and then with harm ocd coming in, everything just feels super real like the urges and thoughts and feelings and everything. I keep asking Gemini but I know it’s probably only telling me I’m not a narcissistic psychopath or have aspd or I’m a k/ller just hiding or that I know deep down under all this worry that it’s true and I’m just in denial and my ocd was actually just me denying it. Today it’s about this specific time at a restaurant with my family and it might be too long for this post. if anyone sees this and is willing to listen to the story that’d be great.

hi i’m feeling a little discouraged and was just wondering if anyone wanted to share their experiences with pocd like how real it is for them and maybe some recovery stories like what that looks like and what helped you get there and how they are now i just had my therapy appointment and am kinda down bc i have to stick with uncertainty and that really bothers me… but anyone wanna share?

I’m interested in hearing an example of intrusive thoughts you guys have. I’m having a tough time and could use support. Thank you!

I’m in a really low place with my ROCD. I feel like I have feelings for someone else & like someone else because of the feelings I have around/about/for this other person I guess. I’m only around this other person when in group settings with friends. I dont want this. I feel nauseous, guilty, all the things as I love my partner so much. I know I struggle with ROCD terribly and I need advice from someone who’s been in my shoes. Is this common in ROCD? Idek

Like to the point of your mind being yours? And not being anxious or harassed by your thoughts 24/7? I just wanna know if escape is possible?

i cheated on my bf, never thought i'd ever do it, i didn't mean to, it just happened, and i feel terrible about it, as i should, and now im not able to ever move on, even tho he wants to fix things, and now im prob just using rocd as an excuse to cover the fact that im genuinely just a shitty person, i hate that this a part of my identity now, idk how to come back from this