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Has journaling helped anyone cope with their symptoms of pure “o”? No matter the theme

For everyone who’s improving, and conquering their OCD….. on days you felt helpless, scared or guilty. What did you do to help get through that?

Anyone got any advice for ERP for POCD? I relapsed after having a child and I’m having a really really bad time, I don’t know what to do anymore

For about a month or so I’ve been dealing with some on and off health-related symptoms. Of course, I went down the Dr. Google rabbit hole and completely freaked myself out — I’ve now managed to convince myself at different points that I’ve had colon cancer, ovarian cancer, and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten both an endoscopy and a colonoscopy, which came back pretty clean besides a few minor things. Lately though, my mind seems to have attached to the idea of Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I don’t have any swollen lymph nodes, but I was experiencing some night sweats, and now I feel like I have itchy skin — though part of me wonders if that’s just because I read it’s a symptom. My anxiety has been through the roof and it’s honestly all I can think about. I’ve also had some neck and back pain that comes and goes — it was pretty consistent for a couple of weeks, but I’ve noticed that when my anxiety isn’t as bad, the pain eases up too. My question is, has anyone else ever experienced physical symptoms that seemed tied to anxiety or worry? I’ve already had an abdominal ultrasound of all my main organs and clean blood work, and I’m going for an MRI later this week. I think that will give me some peace of mind, but right now I just feel stuck in my head. Also, if anyone has any advice or tips on how to heal from the fear of cancer, I would really appreciate it. This is pretty new for me — I’ve always had some mild health anxiety or OCD tendencies, but this constant, debilitating fear that something serious is wrong has really taken over and put a damper on my life.

So, I've had a bit of a journey in OCD recovery and pushed a lot of limits with experiments I've done to see what works and what doesn't. This includes things such as diet, exercise, ERP not just for my compulsions but even small things that pop into mind. I did all that, because I wanted to not be another statistic of how people with OCD don't get better. The stats are crap, and I decided that's not for me. I had ocd undiagnosed for about 26 years following a childhood trauma, and it was reinforced by the way i was raised with an extreme black and white mindset, and subsequent traumas. When i found out I had ocd, after trying to figure out what was wrong, i got to work with a therapist. I got better, i got worse, i got better etc. I was in the mindset of curing OCD even though there is no known one. Just because something hasn't been done before, doesn't mean it can't be done. I pushed myself so hard with my experiments to not just benefit me, but this community and others I know in person. I wanted to show you what works and what doesn't. Earlier this year I pushed myself so hard with an experiment I was messing around with that i ended up developing psychosis and having a psychotic episode. This by the way, is 100 times worse than any exposure, and ERP is not what caused this (just a disclaimer). I ended up having this episode and it was intertwined with what I can describe as mystical experiences, some of which weren't hallucinations or delusions and actually had witnesses other than myself. This period of my life was incredibly difficult for me and my family. I was fortunate enough to have family look after me rather than being hospitalised. As horrible as all this was, I got better. Through that episode i healed from every trauma I ever had without therapy at this time, and haven't had a single symptom of OCD since. Now the reason I'm saying goodbye reluctantly (maybe for now), is because of responses I've had to a few of my posts. I understand that all of you are having your issues, but when someome is VOLUNTEERING their personal time to help you out and all you can do is pick apart that help or get stuck on some negativity bias, it is really difficult to want to continue trying to help you. I dont do this for ego, i dont do it for validation, and i damn well don't do it to be criticised. I don't feel comfortable having everything I learnt on my journey undermined. So while I'm confident I'm not at risk of relapsing with my ocd, that doesn't mean I don't get upset with all the negativity and get stressed. I hope this is considered next time when someone is only trying to help. You are all worthy of it despite your thoughts, your fears and your past. Good bye for now

Something that throws my mood away a lot when it isn't about OCD are these two things. I'm constantly to thinking about what other people have that I don't even though I have so many things, yet I don't focus on those things when I need to. I also focus on my negative inner voice that feels like a combination of what negative people have told me over the course of my life rather than people actually saying these things in real time. It's like my inner voice has been hurt and it regurgitates what other people have told me. I then play those negative statements in my head time and time again. Looking back, when it comes to school, I think I've always felt "behind" compared to other people one way or another. One way could be socializing, the niche things I'm interested in, struggling to make friends, and having my slapstick humor be used against me for being judged harshly. For some reason that hurt a lot and I just never seemed to have let go of it. It also piles onto other things that I don't think I should be doing and then I ridicule myself for those things all in my head. It feels like I've forgotten how to just be NICE to myself for once.

(Repost my app acted up!) I had an OCD thought like “What if I sexted or flirted with someone on twitter and I don’t remember or blocked it out?” And I’m spiraling I’m worrying so much about it and I’m so anxious and Im feeling guilty. These feelings are making me think I did do it because my ocd is like “If you feel anxious and guilty that means you did do it and that’s why you’re feeling these things.” I keep breaking down and crying because I’d never ever want to hurt my fiancé. I’ve tried saying “Maybe I did or maybe I didn’t” but it hasn’t helped because I can’t even imagine the scenario happening, it makes me sick to my stomach. I also get “Flashes” or “Visuals” of me committing the act when I try to remember everything fully and I panic wondering if those images are real or not. What makes it worse is that I used to struggle with watching explicit content a lot, and twitter was the app I’d use to watch it, and that makes it even worse. My fiancé and I discussed everything at the beginning of this year, and I even got anxiety around that because all of these situations happened last year, I just knew I was anxious to bring it up and my mind had been elsewhere dealing with other what if thoughts. I just always worry about what if back then I was just a horrible person and I didn’t care even though I know deep down I would never do something like that but then I think about it and I’m like, “What if I did, and I’m just now feeling bad about it?” It’s even worse because I deleted twitter completely for mental health and it’s just not a good platform, which means I can’t even go check if I actually did anything. I know if I had intentionally done something like that I’d remember all the details, but these false memories and all the anxiety are convincing me I’ve done it and I hate it :(

I read a post from a while ago where someone was scared bc they had friends straddle their lap or sit on them and it always made them aroused. Someone who commented said they dealt with that and SOOCD for 28 years and ended up being a lesbian. It made me immediately remember the time where I was in middle school and my best friend at the time was showing me some kind of martial arts move (more like straddling on the floor), sat on my groin area (like pubic bone), and I felt a tingle down there. I know for a fact I never was attracted to her. She was a great friend but I never once thought of her, my other friends, or other women in a sexual/romantic way. When it was happening I remember being super uncomfortable and stiff bc I’m not really a touchy person with my friends. Minus a couple of guy friends that I had (like my current bf) I would want them to touch me or want them to WANT to touch me if that makes sense. I also remember uncomfortably thinking “this is like a sexual position she’s sitting on my thing rn” and obv my focus was on my groin and that’s when it happened. Bc in my middle school mind that position was reserved for like a bf and gf getting intimate or being touchy. I remember being so uncomfortable and scared bc it did not feel right and the tingling made me FREAK out(also at the time I had no idea I had ocd so idk if it was my ocd doing things). I immediately got up and had to leave to the bathroom bc I felt so confused, scared, and uncomfortable. I ended up forgetting about it and continued being her friend like normal till high school. I forgot about that memory up until a couple months ago. Now when I think about this memory I’m getting the groinal response 😭 (prob just bc I’m thinking ab getting some sort of groinal response). I’ve had friends sit on my lap before and I never felt anything and I never really liked it because Im just not a touchy person with friends and close contact w my girl friends in that way doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Even now I would never let my friends or another girl straddle me or be touchy like that bc I don’t want it, I never think ab it, and it just doesn’t feel right. But bc of that persons comment and memory I’m afraid it’s a “sign” from my body, a secret desire, or me being in denial esp bc prior to SOOCD I did get turned on by a lot of sexual things (porn, sexual pics like nudes or very sexual attire, sexual music videos) and did some sexual experimentation/exploration as a kid (i’ve explained this in other posts), and some memories that may or may not be fake/dreams. Like in my mind if I saw something I would be like “oh this is sexual stuff, this means sex” NOT “omg she’s so 😍😍.” I had some bad anxiety and depression issues in middle school-high school so I wasn’t really having strong crushes so that worries me. But I did have a lot of celebrity boy band crushes like A LOT. But as I got older the worse my mental health were getting because of some personal family issues. I didn’t know how to deal with my mental health so the more I ignored it, it would end up getting worse and evolve. During this time I started to get more unwanted groinal responses and I started to notice and be more uncomfortable with the fact that I felt unwanted groinal responses watching/seeing certain sexual things even though I didn’t feel attracted to it (prior to full blown SOOCD). This also led to me getting more intrusive thoughts. I have been dealing with this theme since I was 15 and It makes me feel like a liar. My libido and attraction to men have disappeared for years, and even when SOOCD isn’t bothering me as much I still can’t get it back. I have had a boyfriend in the past (with SOOCD just never received treatment) which was the early stages of soocd so I was unsure about it first but I ended developing a crush on him and felt cute young love feelings for him but SOOCD, doubt, and the mental compulsions were always there and would numb my feelings and attraction. As our relationship grew and we grew up I was never able to get aroused whenever we were intimate (or in general/by myself I had no sexual drive). I wanted to feel things so bad but I couldn’t. I would feel it sometimes but I was always analyzing my body sensations, emotions, attraction, which made me feel more numb. Before this theme I used to fantasize ab being with a guy or doing *things* with one, and it always felt right, so being intimate with him always made me feel sad and anxious bc I couldn’t feel anything. I reconnected with him a couple years ago and idk what happened but I was extremely aroused by him. All we did was kiss a little and talk but It was the first time in years where I felt genuine arousal. But it only lasted a day and I went back to being numb. Fast forward, I have a new boyfriend who was my friend for a while. I’m pretty sure I liked him since high school but idk bc I’ve been so numb for years. Three months ago when I first felt true, clear, genuine attraction to him I was so happy and excited. But ofc I started to get thoughts about my numbness, no libido, and all that. I even remember when I found him cute and started feeling those crush feelings my mind went into analyzing mode and I couldn’t feel it anymore. I also can’t get aroused with him anymore either 😭. I would be able to (never fully) whenever I was in the moment but my mind would always go back to analyzing. I really hope it’s my bad depression and ocd and nothing more. It’s like there’s a mini me monitoring everything in my brain and I can’t feel things (except all the things I don’t want to feel). All my worries and thoughts triggered this SOOCD flare up and now I feel nothing. I’ve made a post about my feelings for him before so I won’t go too into it this is already too long. I’m just afraid this memory and all the other weird things, past/present groinal responses, and years of no libido/attraction mean something. There’s nothing wrong w being gay but It just doesn’t feel right. If I was I wouldn’t jump for joy I would just end up being single all my life bc I don’t even want to experiment/experience it. All I want is to enjoy my relationship. I really thought SOOCD was going to finally leave me alone 😭. Im not religious but sometimes I find myself trying to negotiate with whatever “higher power” is out there. I just pray that If this isn’t ocd and depression I just want my feelings back for my bf, I want to fully enjoy a relationship with a man at least once and I’ll be satisfied. All this makes me feel like i’m lying to myself but I swear I felt all those things for him 3 months ago, even with OCD and my compulsions messing with my head. I just want this to end already 😭.

So to keep things short, I’ve struggled in the past pretty bad with p*rnography. I still struggled with it when I first started dating my fiancé. I would look for it in websites, twitter (now known as X) or even find it in video games, ai games etc. My issue with it was that I used it as a quick release or stress reliever for whenever I was overwhelmed or I just needed to find something to relax me, which even after it never helped. So this is the ocd thought that has been bothering me. I used to go on Twitter to watch things for that quick release because it was quick and it was fast and I could just get it over with. However, I had a really bad OCD thought like this, “What if I sexted someone? Or what if I flirted with someone on my twitter account and etc etc etc.” and I spiraled so bad and still am. My fiancé knows about all of my struggles and I told him everything especially since when we first got together, we never really discussed the boundaries with p*rn and such because we just were so focused on spending time with each other and getting to know each other more. And I told him this OCD thought where I told him I was worried about if I did something if I flirted with somebody on there if I did a video chat if I sent pictures if someone sent me pictures, etc., etc. My fiancé knows me better than I know myself and he always reassures me and tells me I would never do such a thing. And I know deep down I wouldn’t either, but what if back then I was horrible and didn’t care? What if back then I was just careless, and it’s eating me up everyday, my ocd has always been attached to the fear that “What if I cheated and blocked out the memory and don’t remember?” And now this thought has been killing me for days. I don’t struggle with p*rn anymore because my fiancé and I agreed that it’s a horrible platform and we don’t need it, which I was really happy about because it showed me that I had growth. But the thoughts like “What if I sexted someone on twitter? What if I flirted with someone?” Are killing me. I know that if I intentionally did something, I would remember every single detail and I would remember it fully, and I also wouldn’t have told my fiancé about it if I actually did do it, but I always get flashes or “visuals” of me committing the intrusive thought and my anxiety shoots up because I don’t know if it’s real or not. Does anyone else relate :(

What’s your “why” this week? 🎯 Share what’s motivating you in the comments.

Well, not entirely new. I am a gay, cisgender male. About 10 years ago, I struggled with the OCD fear that I was trans, but I recovered from that. I’ve had many other themes both before and after, (perfectionism, SO-OCD, POCD, and so on). Last Monday, after wondering if I made a mistake cutting the blonde highlights out of my hair and letting it go back to natural brown, I wondered if I wasn’t expressing myself authentically. (Authenticity is very important to me.) That quickly turned into questions like: am I just dressing heteronormative because I’m too afraid of the backlash for dressing more androgynous? I had never wanted to paint my nails, wear heels, skirts etc., but now, in a matter of a week, it feels like I do and that I’m living a lie. Idk what to do—for the last ten years of my life, I have felt very comfortable and content in my identity, and that has felt amazing. I am a huge Lady Gaga fan, and I’m obsessed with all her wigs and outfits, but for the last ten years (and after dealing with the trans theme), I’ve never wanted to wear them myself. But now I’m afraid I’ve just been suppressing the fact that I do—and that if I don’t dress like that (or paint my nails/wear makeup), I’m dressing boring and living a lie. :(

Hi everyone, I just want to share my experience and maybe receive some helpful tips or something. Growing up I never understood why I was the way I was. When I turned 18 I had the first life changing flare-up. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 21. Over the last few years I’ve been on and off of different themes such as HOCD, POCD, COCD, etc. Over the last year I met my boyfriend who is the first healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. Before him I was cheating on. And not to mention I have some serious abandonment issues lol. After about 5 months into us dating I had a flare-up which so happened to be ROCD. With that I was constantly so scared I would lose feeling or cheat. It was a very hard recovery, but I did it. Some crazy stuff has recently happened in my life that has brought up a lot of trauma and trust issues. I am now constantly thinking that my boyfriend is cheating on me. I know it’s important not to seek reassurance or confess. But it’s all I can seem to do. It has really started to affect our relationship. I will also say I am starting therapy soon. I know I just supposed to tell myself I need to be okay with the unknown and maybe he is cheating maybe he isn’t, but that moto is not seeming to help. I have never felt worse that the past 2 weeks I can’t seem to sleep, or just “be normal”. I know I will be okay, I just can’t seem to pull it together. I feel each time I make a recovery something else takes its place, but each time it’s more scary and feels more real. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this or not but if so you’re not alone.

Lately my health anxiety has been taking over. I get scared that something’s seriously wrong with me, and I end up overanalyzing every symptom and every blood test result. Even when my doctor says everything looks fine, I can’t stop rereading the numbers and Googling what they mean. I also find myself constantly asking for reassurance — texting friends or family to ask if they think I’m okay, or avoiding the doctor completely because I’m terrified of what the results might say. It feels like a never-ending loop: fear → checking → temporary relief → fear again. I know this is probably health-related OCD, but it feels so real and scary in the moment. I want to break the cycle and learn how to sit with uncertainty instead of trying to control everything. If anyone else struggles with this — avoiding appointments, obsessing over test results, needing constant reassurance — how do you handle it? What’s helped you start trusting that you’re okay without checking? Thanks for reading. It helps just to say this out loud. 💛

Does anybody constantly think about how a therapist would react to your real event if you were to tell them about everything you’ve been going through with intrusive thoughts and past memories/actions when surrounding taboo topics. Like my brain is telling me that even though they may not directly say that I’m a sick/bad person, they will secretly think it. Like one of the biggest reasons as to why I haven’t sought out a therapist is because I’m afraid they’ll secretly think I’m a pedo. I also keep imagining actually meeting with a therapist and then them going home, sharing their day with other people like we all do and then saying things like “ I had this new patient and this is what she did, when she first told It was the first time I’ve been taken aback and I had to hide my disgust, she’s really sick” like that’s literally the worst case scenario for me. I think because my real event(s) doesn’t involve any one real or has to do with anything illegal and my brain can’t turn to what are the consequences of this it turns to my own morality and catastrophizes it in the sense that I’m actually a sick person and although my undiagnosed ocd is a mental illness, it’s only bringing to light what I didn’t recognize before my ruminations and obsessions.

It’s my birthday today and I feel like I can’t allow myself to be happy or anything because this terrible disease just makes me freak out all the time I feel worthless and ashamed and like I shouldn’t be celebrated. I usually hate my birthday but it’s so much worse now. It feels like a punishment. I’m going to a psychiatrist tomorrow which is also freaking me out. I’m 24 and I feel so terrible and this is nothing like what I envisioned. If you’ve had any success with medications I’d be interested to hear, im super scared about starting them. Thanks for listening idk. This is so isolating

everyone says to live my life and enjoy my relationship even if i have the thoughts, to separate the ocd from reality, but how can i do that if it feels like its not rocd, but the real me, that i actually lost feelings. I literally feel like a different person, likei have changed…. i used to be so loving, in not anymore, it feels like the ocd its just thereal me and i dont accept that i lost feelings, maybe im just scared of change. please… i dont feel any love. i am disgusted, repulsed, annoyed, by him. And he dosent do anything wrong. i used to be ao loving and actualy feel something but that is long gone. maybe when i did that i just tried to cope and deny the fact tbat i lost feelings

So my dad has been in the hospital the past month because he has this uncommon blood circulation disorder in his brain that causes his brain to flow too much blood in his head it has caused a stroke seizures blood clots fistulas and he has had two embolisms in his brain since he was born which apparently I now have to see the doctor next week about because it could be hereditary. His symptoms haven't started until recently. He has had five operations in the past ten months for it. My mom also had a liver biopsy this week to see if she has chirrosis and my step grandmother died in the middle of all this and I was going through a severe OCD flareup and episode while this is all going on. I have exams and college assignments to study for and I'm currently studying for an exam and worried about failing because the extreme stress from everything is causing me to have visual hallucinations again like I did when I went through psychosis several years ago. I'm also having a hard time focusing. I'm seeing shadow people walking around my house and weird shadow shapes it's in my direct line of sight it's not like when you see something out of the corner of your eye, it's literally a shadow people walking around the room I'm looking into. I know theyre not real but I get nervous walking into the room they're in. I have severe OCD and panic disorder and some other stuff.Life is really hard right now.He also has to repeat. How to do everything his personality is there but his voice is very different and it makes me cry. He will have to learn how to do literally everything from the stroke he had but the doctors say he has a lot of hope for recovery and they are apparently the best neurosurgeons in the country so I'm trying to quiet the what ifs that my OCD is trying to tell me. I also hope the hallucinations go away as the stress does down. I'm not looking for answers I'm just venting and wondering if anyone else has ever had issues with seeing things that aren't there during extreme stress or have any advice on how to cope, uplifting quotes or nice words are appreciated as well thank you for coming to my ted talk lol.

Need this badly...

Soocd. Still awaiting help. Been talking to ChatGPT all this time. I just really don’t know myself. I don’t know. I’m young, so I know there’s lots to figure out, but why am I so adamant that I must be into dudes and not girls? Why can I not just be ok with it???

I’ve been trying to understand how much my OCD affects the way I behave in relationships, and today I realised it may play a much bigger role than I thought. I’ve always known OCD shows up in different parts of my life but I’m starting to recognise certain patterns that feel very OCD-like, especially when it comes to romantic interest. Whenever I meet a man and develop even a slight interest or crush, my mind goes into overdrive almost immediately. The intensity is disproportionate to the situation and sometimes it happens after one meeting, one conversation, or even just a moment of attention. I start experiencing a lot of obsessive symptoms like constant intrusive thoughts about them, rumination about what they think or feel, replaying interactions over and over, predicting or imagining future scenarios, checking their social media repeatedly and feeling unable to “switch off” thoughts even when I want to It feels like my brain latches onto the person as a theme and then the cycle just continues. It doesn’t feel logical or based on any real emotional connection , it’s more like my OCD finds something uncertain or exciting and turns it into an obsession. I’ll catch myself thinking “why am I this fixated on someone I barely know?” and it feels completely out of proportion. Does anyone else with OCD experiences similar patterns with attachment, crushes, or new relationships. Is this a common presentation of relationship-related OCD or obsessional thinking? And have you found strategies that help break the loop?