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Can someone plz explain…. My therapist said I need to accept the uncertainty. But the situation I’m in seems 100% true & real to me. So how does that make sense?

Yesterday, after trying many times to tell my dad that I have to go, I finally went to a psychiatrist. My dad took too long to do anything, so I told him I needed to go that day, which was two days ago. When we arrived, I felt good that I might finally get help. I felt nice knowing I wouldn’t be alone. The amount of money was a lot almost 500 which was too much. I didint think of it cause I know with the insurance it will be a perfect amount We waited for my turn, then my dad and I went in. The doctor started speaking and then asked if I wanted the session to be only me. I said yes, and I asked my dad if he would get mad. He said no problem. The psychiatrist said that I should come regularly without stopping, and I told him that I might have some things that could stop me from coming. While I was speaking, someone opened the door while I was still inside. My dad later said that while he was sitting outside, they were asking, “When will she be out?” When I finished, the guy went inside very fast. The next day came. I woke up and went with my dad to work because I didn’t want to stay at home alone with myself. I sat with my dad at work for about seven hours and went with him to bring some things, even though they weren’t that important. Around 6:00 PM, he said, “Don’t care about that now, just leave it for tomorrow.” I was very tired because I was sick, and shortly after he said that, I literally dozed off because I was overthinking. Today, I woke up around 10:00 AM. (If you’re wondering, I can’t go alone.) I waited for my dad to come back from outside, assuming he knew I needed to go. I waited until 4:00 PM, then 5:00 PM. I told my dad about some things, especially about the insurance. He told me to ask them, which I did, but they didn’t answer. So I called them, and they said I needed to come and speak face to face about the insurance. I spoke with my sister. I know she’s tired of me. We went back and forth trying to find a solution whether I should go by myself since my brother took my dad’s car, even though my dad knows I have to go. I got ready to go and just waited for him to give me money for the metro. When he came, my sister told him about the insurance. He started talking rudely and switched the conversation to something else, not giving me time to explain how I did everything on my own. He said I didn’t tell him and that I was wasting money, and that I didn’t wait for him to find a solution even though that was almost three months ago. While talking, he spoke loudly and yelled, trying to prove himself. I tried not to say anything twisted because he would hit me. He kept saying that I’m wasting all the money we need, and that if this keeps going, I’ll waste a lot more even though I never thought like that, because I don’t even think about spending a lot of money. He said that in the end, they’ll take my money and say I have nothing. He also said that I didn’t listen or wait for him, and that there’s nothing wrong with me that I’m okay. Then he switched the conversation and started yelling at my sister. Now I’ve had enough. My sister probably won’t speak to me and might see me as a disgusting person. My dad treats my sister badly and keeps saying that we’re disrespectful, and that we should travel to our country and suffer, and that he wouldn’t care. I’ve been struggling quietly and didn’t say anything because I know that, in one word, I’m “just talking,” and that it’s not important and never will be. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I swear I couldn’t keep it inside. I needed something, and this was the solution. My dad got mad that I spent a lot of money, even though I know I wouldn’t continue because of how much I would have to pay. In the middle of all of this, he keeps praising my brother. I felt guilty about how my sister spoke for me. I was so annoyed with myself. I’ve had enough of how everything is going I wouldn't say I didn't care about any of this, I just know this is how it will go with my family they won't help

I just wanted to take a moment to share. I've had OCD for over 10 years. It's terrible in a way that most people who don't have it can't comprehend. Tonight I applied ERP. I fought against all of the harm and responsibility thoughts screaming in my head and went and has Xmas drinks with my 2 best friends. A totally normal thing to do......but nonetheless infected by the virus that is OCD. I just wanted to let everyone know that if there's one light bulb moment I've ever had about OCD, it's that a) it tries to prevent us from being ourselves and doing the things we like to do in life and b) it tries to prevent us from being happy in life. I've realised, over the years, that this is an important fight and one worth fighting. So keep going! Keep doing ERP and keep those thoughts and doubts at bay! You can be you and you can be happy in life. Push through! Your happiness is worth it!

Hello I'm a first time poster and still pretty new to NOCD! It's been a really frustrating past few days because I told myself last week that I was going to be better at not seeking reassurance from my friends and the last few days I've been reassurance seeking to the max. I feel trapped. I am so frustrated that I need that emotional reassurance that my friends don't hate me and that I’m not an awful person just to feel even slightly okay. What are some things you guys do when you feel the need to seek reassurance? Any tips to ride out the extreme anxiety and uncomfortability that comes with not going through with the compulsion of reassurance? Any tips would be great because I'm ready for a change!

Ahhh 2nd post in a row last time for today I promise ! "<: ) but this post is different than the last and more so of stress and OCD anxiety . I feel super dirty and scared about the future, right now Real-Event OCD decided to punch me and remind me on things I did as a really young kid and when it came to hypers3xuality.. and stuff that I feel just super uncomfortable thinking about and the lack of self awareness I had at that age and especially when I was around other family members at any point of day. Eugh.. (those thoughts specifically are REALLY getting to me- I feel like a disgusting and awful being.) but there's also reminders of the things I went through as a young teen and the stuff I did with my ex at the time- the things he also made me do which now makes me really upset . I don't care if we talked recently, I was nice throughout but deep down I still don't feel healed . : ( And POCD too, now years later passes by and I feel like despite all the support I had from family.. all the good things I had and I overall had an amazing start of childhood- but I feel as I ruined it all . Thanks to OCD, thanks to hypers3xuality, thanks to the people I hung out with . : ( Thanks to my dumb choices . And I'm scared to grow up, I don't want to grow older and I sometimes feel like I revert back and it feels horrifying. I don't understand why others are excited about their futures I dread it so badly. But now that I feel that way, my mind tells me that I'm a creep because I want to stay young forever ? And I have other themes play out, health OCD isn't stabbing me at this current moment but it is poking at me . I feel super dizzy, my head is pounding from the stress and I feel not panicked, not angry, I'm not having an emotional outburst or anything I just feel dissociated and a bit scared . : ( I have finals tomorrow and I still need to study for that . --- I wish I could just hug everyone who's struggling as well or is listening right now <:,) I'm trying my best to not get into another full on episode- I'm using good coping mechanisms such as drawing and listening to music . I am trying my absolute best but it's so hard and it hurts both mentally and physically.. my head hurts so bad and my thoughts are going haywire so I at least want to vent this out despite knowing there's nothing else I can do to ease it unfortunately .

I apologize,this is long and worded awkwardly,but I dont really know how to sort this out a bit bc ocd is bothering me over it. If anyone has words on this please lmk. Adults only bc im almost 24 This is another update on my sort of real event situation w a somewhat ex friend of mine. I cannot really summarize super well so id recommend to look at my prev posts,but to give a bit of a run down I was unfollowed and unadded on everything by a friend,and was told it was bc my conversation style was frustrating and needing space bc of that and it wasnt my fault. I did not respond well really ( i posted what i sent in my other posts also) and sort of panicked. Later I was told this came off pressuring,which i apologized for and later left our group server for a break (which is my main communication w my other friends,but which is also run by this person) bc it was finals and i was getting overwhelmed mentally so I needed to stop checking it. I did mention possibly leaving for a time to focus on studies,but I was sort of vague. This is where the update comes in. I was messaged again abt this very recently,and I was told that it seemed bothersome to this person bc it seemed that I was avoiding the person just bc I was told i came off pressuring ,and that it seemed like going around this person's back when I didnt ask this person for an invite back directly, and it was assumed I asked someone else which the person wasnt cool w . When I apologized again and explained i did not ask anyone for an invite (If I leave servers for a break,I copy my own invite beforehand because im shy abt asking again and I like to be quiet abt my breaks) this person seemed receptive to my apology a lot more and appreciated it,and I thought we had sort of talked it out and moved on. We wished eachother a good day and thats that My main concern is a post I found ( i was doing compulsions checking social media,unfortunately,i should not have done this. Also to be clear,this post happened like A Day Or So before this person confronted me again ) that im worried might be connected to me,and it makes me worry how honest this person was w not minding that im around even after all this . After this person disagreed w me in the server over smth small ,I saw a post being like 'I love being contrarian and pedantic w people i find annoying' im sort of afraid since this was posted at around the same time that im the annoying person in this situation ,and even thoigh it seems like we sorted things out,I can't stop thinking abt how i might seem annoying,esp since its a big fear of mine peoole I once consider friends will just end up finding me bothersome. Its not the first time either,there was another time this person talked abt finding people annoying and learning not to feel bad abt it and I got worried bc of everything it was abt me. I wanna move past this but its awkward bc of the mutual friends (who im also scared might know and find me annoying now) and seeing that post and worrying if this person still finds me bothersome even after sorting things out. Apologies if this is worded confusingly. Im having trouble w words recently. I feel shitty abt continually messing uo over and ovrr and over and being the thing i fear which is someone that sort of drives away ppl they care abt

I have been having a problem with skin picking to where I'd say I have dermatillomania. It's especially an issue on my scalp and around it + my face and I hate it . : ((( the picking feels good temporarily but then I just start to feel distressed whenever I don't pick on it for a period of time . I have bumps and scabs around me now due to the picking and I can't stop even during school or in public and it's so humiliating but I can't stop. I'm scared it'll cause damage to my skin. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, if anyone has overcome it do you have any tips/advice/experiences ? That'd be greatly appreciated at this current moment ! 🥲

I used to be a really bad person. Like a really really bad person. Completely self centered and vindictive with no regard for the feelings and well being of others. This came out especially in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years. I don't know how. I have done some truly fucked up things (especially around 5-6 years ago), and she has always forgiven me and assured me that she still wants to be with me. I think I may have some other underlying mental issues, and I suspect I may have some kind of personality disorder or something. I've confessed so many horrible things I've done/thought in regards to her and our relationship. Not your typical OCD confessions that are blown up, but really damaging stuff. I was a horrible partner to her. There was infidelity manipulation, fucked up thought, etc. I was a nightmare, all the worst things a partner and person could be. I was always thinking about me and what I could get out of the relationship. When we had issues, I would check out and do whatever I pleased to make me feel better/more in control. She probably shouldn't be with me, and I'm terrified I've given her Stockholm Syndrome or something. She doesn't agree with this, and she says she is capable of choosing what she wants for herself. She agrees that my past behaviors were terrible, but she sees my remorse, shame, and desire to be the person she deserves. She sees how much I despise the person I was, and how I'd do anything to go back and have a word/fight with my old self. That is a big reason she forgives me. I went through years of confessing every detail from that time that I could remember. Truly awful things, definitely more real deserved guilt than OCD. A lot of the confessions were really upsetting to her. Still, when I ask her how much of these confessions were necessary/she needed, she says that most of them weren't entirely necessary. She doesn't want to hear anymore confessions about the past, especially in regards to things I thought. She says that really only actions are important. It's been months since I spiraled about this particular time in my life. I thought I had exhausted all confessions, and my OCD and anxiety started focusing on other things (my cat's health, what kind of cat parent I am, other real events, confession urges fom my childhood, etc.) But last week, it all started again. It started with thoughts about her/our relationship that probably contributed to the mindset that led to my terrible actions. It's hard, because I remember thinking a lot of these fucked up things, but my memory is having a hard time remembering all of the good things that I was also thinking. I couldn't have been that bad 100% of the time, right? This is eating me alive, because a big part of rebuilding a relationship after the things I've done revolves around going back and figuring out "why". Figuring out what contributed to the behavior. I've dug a lot and confessed a lot about my mindset at the time, but I didn't confess this. Why? Was it because I didn't think about it? Because I wasn't 100% sure? Because I was afraid of hurting her feelings? I confessed so many other things that absolutely hurt her feelings, but I feel like the reason I didn't confess this part was because I didn't want to hurt her, and I was scared that it would be the thing that was "too much". But I was so focused on absolutely truth and transparency for years. Every other confession urge would eat me alive until I gave in. So why didn't I tell her this? Was it even in my mind at the time? Should I confess now because, wven though they were thoughts, I probably let these thoughts contribute to my behavior (which is an action)? It's so hard to remember my exact mindset from those years. I can only remember the evil that I thought/did. Nothing else l. Another memory popped up today. This one was action based. I don't want to call it a false memory, because with what a fucked up person I was, it absolutely could have happened. I could absolutely see myself doing it. I did similar things, and I feel like I remember having a specific thought/intention to do this thing. But I'm not 100% sure it happened. I feel like I remember thinking about this during my other initial confessing, but I think back then I couldn't remember if it was 100% true. It's very serious, and it involves stealing a small amount of money (like between $5-30 change from a purchase or from her desk) with the intent to start an emergency "get out" fund. I feel pike I absolutely remember having the thought (not necessarily about taking the money from her, but putting away money for that in general). I don't know if I actually did what I'm thinking, or if I'm filling in blanks because I know that I was fucked up enough to do something like that at the time. Maybe having that thought alone is enough of a reason to confess, but she's trying to set firm boundaries around confessing my past thoughts. But what about possible actions? I feel like I might have a personality disorder, because sometimes I feel like I experienced splitting around this time. Like there would be some perceived slight that would make me view myself as some kind of victim, therefore causing me to think "fuck everyone else" and do fucked up (sometimes impulsive) things to make me feel more in control/whatever other thing I felt I was lacking. I can't remember if I felt bad about these things during this time. I know that I downplayed things sometimes. Idk. It keeps spiraling. I keep remembering things. I'm also having trouble remembering what I've already confessed. My brain feels like a nightmare. After all of this, she still loves me. She doesn't treat me differently. She says she forgives me, and I feel that forgiveness and love every day. I know I don't deserve her. I know she probably shouldn't be with me. I will never forgive myself. I will never like myself again. I will spend the rest of my life putting her first, as long as she will have me. I know that my girlfriend wouldn't want to be with me if I was still the same person I was back then. I've spent years self reflecting and trying to take accountability for everything I've done. But even after months of no confessing or ruminating about this, things still pop up. I feel like if she doesn't know everything, she doesn't know me. She can't consent to our relationship. I fear that I was misdiagnosed and don't have OCD. I know this is all deserved. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do. I want to be qith her forever. She wants to be with me. I want to give her the decision to have whatever she wants. I'm afraid of her not choosing what's best for her. I'm afraid it's all too tainted. I would do anything to go back and beat myself senseless. I truly despise myself.

Hi there, first time poster here. I struggle a lot with false memory/real event from the past. Both have ties to fear of being arrested and sent to prison. Given how long it was ago, I've somewhat accepted the uncertainty of not knowing because old memories are fallible. However, something happened last week which triggered my OCD and I'm experiencing the same things. I feel so scared and frustrated that I can't even trust my recent reality. I tried framing it as "if you've really done what you've feared, then you'd be certain that it happened because it was recent and you'd be worrying about the consequences of it, rather than worrying about whether you've done it or not"' but the false/intrusive memory won't let me even have it. I know I'm supposed to sit with it but today just feels really hard to do it. I'm so drained and depressed that it's ruining my ability to look forward to things. I posted here to vent because I feel alone about this but I hope anyone experiencing this gets the light they need.

With the obsession “what if?” does it only have to be “what if?” or can it be anything? Because with my intrusive thought or obsession it’s always “I wanna..” or “Me After…” and it’s scary because i’m just scared. Also Can OCD make you think what they wanna think? if that make sense, because i’m scared that i am creating the thought but i know it’s something i wouldn’t do anyways. I’m always in my head 24/7 or just day dreaming, and it tends to push something that is out of the narrative that i dislike but it feels like i am creating the thought.

I feel like I've been faking my entire relationship. That I've been pretending to like my boyfriend, that I was never really happy with him at all, that I don't feel like myself with him. But I've had lots of happy times with him, I feel at home in his family, I am attracted to him??? I'm so confused and also hurt because I would never want to be deceived this way but now I feel like I'm doing it to him. He once said he was worried I was just acting in love because he was in disbelief that I was actually his girlfriend (out of happiness and believing I was out of his league), but ever since he said that I've been getting myself worked up about if that IS what I've been doing. Where are these thoughts and feelings coming from? They're so disturbing and make me so uneasy :( It's really difficult to just say "maybe it's true, maybe it isn't" when it's making me question my morals and identity.

Hi everyone :) I’m in an amazing loving relationship of three and a half years, and sometimes I will get night terrors of my bf cheating on me and it makes me depressed all day and I can’t stop ruminating over it. I think my biggest issue is the misinformation about dreams and how they “mean something” because that is VERY harmful to someone with ocd. How can I let these not affect me? Do I label it as a bullshit thought like the rest of my ocd? Ugh this sucks so so bad and I feel so guilty for having dreams that paint my bf in a bad light. Maybe it’s just because it’s so personal and it’s about something I love SO very much in my life, because I’ll have night terrors about different things 😭 also I feel really guilty because a few years ago I talked to my doc about the night terrors and her advice was to literally break up with him when that is NOT what I want to do or even need to do. Help me :(

I currently am having a mild headache and of course, I am spiraling about aneurysms, stroke, tumor, etc. I am trying really hard to distract myself but the more I do, the worse intense things are starting to feel. I feel more pressure, more anxiety, sweating, and it doesn't help that I have been googling non-stop. Does anyone else notice the worsening of sensations/symptoms when their brain starts going?

1. I’m strong as hell 2. I’ve got a lot important people in my life and things I like to do 3. The only certain thing about life is uncertainty 4. Fear is NORMAL! It’s an emotion like any other emotion and is a transitory state of being 5. My mind is just as normal or crazy as everyone else depending on who you ask…so stop taking myself so seriously 😂 I am curious why others have learned?!

(Writing this in class I don't really care, I trust myself that no one's looking this just can't wait.) I feel like I'm going to have a panic episode soon, darn you OCD and everything that's going on inside my brain ! Last night mood swings was off, I went from being absolutely estatic and laughing at everything to suddenly dissociating for a moment then to going back to being happy and now I just feel depressed and I'm so stressed about many things and OCD themes... POCD, ROCD but with friendships, Existential OCD, Harm OCD, Real Event OCD, Moral OCD, (these are the themes that are currently bothering me right now) I'm also worrying about friendships in general, school grades, myself and insecurities, and etc, I'm trying so hard to seem open to everyone and warming but I was asked if I was okay by a classmate even if I wasn't doing anything but looking into the walls- I nodded brightly but I don't feel okay.. I'm bottling everything up . So much is happening, and I may rant about all my stresses tonight here but at this current moment I sorta have limited time to display out all my thoughts before I have to head to my next class. I do have my coping mechanisms right now which is my daydreaming and talking to my intrusive thoughts and OCD as a bully/toxic friend . That does help me a lot but I DO really hope that I can focus on my school work and tasks I need to do because I really need to have that all figured out before break starts. Wish me luck . :,)💜 good day to everyone

does anybody else feel like they are starting to be a pdf? idk how to explain it i’m js very nervous because when i’m around children i don’t get any groinal response or dark thoughts but when i’m alone I do…. it’s my third spiral in this theme and the groinal response and images are new wich lead me to think that i’m actually starting to like them but i honestly don’t know wtf is going on since i don’t watch any content or do anything to feed these thoughts, but my brain is like what if one day u do and you acc like it?

I just had so many intrusive thoughts and sensations about my family member and I’m so disgusted but I can’t panic or cry or anything I just feel normal as if I’m okay with it idk what to do. It’s like I know deep down it’s so disgusting and I have to feel panicked but I can’t I feel normal what do I do. This only started after I started taking meds idk what to do this is so disturbing.

Hi! I’ve recently come out to myself as a lesbian and it’s been great. This label makes so much sense and I find a lot of peace within it….then came the intrusive thoughts. I feel like I’m hyper aware of my attraction to men when watching TV. Like if a guy that is aesthetically hot is on my screen, I’m like questioning if I’m attracted to him. Ik that aesthetic attraction is very different than romantic attraction, but those thoughts of “ am I REALLY a lesbian” come up for me and it’s honestly terrible. Every single day I have these thoughts ( at least once a day!!! And it lasts for hours ugh). I think im scared because I love being a lesbian. Any advice on how to fix this?

I want to preface by saying my OCD has been exponentially better. I haven’t even posted on here in months which I used to do obsessively. With that being said, I have an ex from four years ago. He truly struggled with mental health and did some crazy things. It was an incredibly toxic relationship. He was reaching out for a while and then stopped. I blocked him every way I could but he has recently been reaching out on new accounts he’s created (on Instagram). According to a message he sent, he knows about my wedding which doesn’t surprise me as I have a public website and he likely looked up people I know that posted wedding event photos. I block his news accounts but it’s happened twice now where he creates new accounts. I even choose “block this account and future accounts by this person” option but it doesn’t always work. According to Google he could be using a different email or IP address to create these accounts. Anyway, I’m far removed from this relationship. So much as I’m getting married to the man I have been with for three years. I guess my OCD comes in when 1. I convince myself I did something like reached out to my ex to spark his attention (even though I know I didn’t do that) and 2. That’ll he find a way to contact me on my wedding day since he likely knows the date. Any time he reaches out it sets the mood for a day fueled with anxiety and trying to figure out why this is happening when the simple answer behind it is he truly has problems and is crazy. Does anyone have advice on how I could NOT ruin my wedding/the days leading up to it in fear that my ex is going to reach out and ruin it? Obviously it’s presumptuous that this this will happen and my reaction likely won’t be anxious like it typically is as I’ll be quite busy caring about the day, but nonetheless I am fueled with anxiety thinking about this possibility.

I've been stuck in a Real Event spiral for about a week now. It all has to do with my relationship and things that I've done/thought. I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years. I suspect I may have BPD (or a similar disorder), because for the first 4 or so years of our relationship, I exhibited a ton of really bad behavior and thought processes (partially due to very poor emotional regulation). I was controlling, unfaithful, impulsive, and always doing/thinking super fucked up things while thinking I was in the right. I had a huge victim complex. I spent years ruminating and confessing all of the events I could remember, along with some of the horrible ways I was thinking sometimes while engaging in these things. My girlfriend has been very hurt by me, but she has forgiven me and wants to continue our relationship due to my remorse, ability to take accountability, and changed behavior. I am horrified by the person I was between 16-20 (and a bit betond). I would do anything to go back on time and give myself a good beating. But I can't. When these episodes happen, it's all I think about from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. All I can do is research and ruminate and try to find out all of the details behind my fucked up intentions and mean thoughts. I try my best to just act normal around her and not give in to the extreme urge to confess, but it's killing me. I've spent years confessing, and all of the confessing really took a toll on my girlfriend. A lot of the things I've confessed were absolutely necessary, but she says that perhaps most things didn't need to be confessed. She prefers that I limit confessing as much as possible, and she doesn't really care to hear about things that center around my past thoughts. But what if those thoughts turned into some of the fuel for my terrible behaviors? Shouldn't she know then? What if the thought is tied into the action? What if the thought would make her not want to be with me anymore? That's my biggest fear. I've had thoughts that are so hurtful in the past that I'm afraid tjey would be the last straw for her. I'm so afraid of hurting her. I was such a monster, and she is the only person I give a damn about besides my direct family. I want to be with her forever. I would kill to marry her, but I feel like I can't as long as there are still these things that I haven't confessed. I don't even know if I have real event OCD considering I was such a deeply fucked up person. I know that I've confessed to her about hundreds of horrible things in the past. Why didn't I confess these things before she put a boundary on the confessing? What if these things are actually 100% vital for her to know, and I am conveniently abiding by her boundary to avoid ruining our relationship? Maybe this is something I should just tell her. I know it wouldn't help her, it would only make her sad, and it wasn't a specific action I did but something I thought about sometimes that may have made me justify those actions in my head. I was doing so good at not getting these confession urges for months. Now I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to hurt her and tell her this fucked up shit. It's not how I feel now. But she deserves to know the full extent of what a fuckup I was. I keep going back in my head, trying to figure out the ratio of bad thoughts and good thoughts I had about her. I feel like I'm mainly only remembering bad, hurtful things. I just wish I could have been a better person. I'm so afraid of losing the love of my life, the person that has stuck by me through my absolute lowest moments. She deserves so much better than me. I hate myself.