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i wanted to share my thoughts with you guys to see if anyone thinks the same thoughts as me. i had a pretty bad night last night so i decided to write all the thoughts i have down. i’m going to therapy today to get diagnosed and i’m really nervous but i’m hopeful it will help with my rocd and hocd. unless i just like don’t have it lol. background- my boyfriend of 4 months. we had been best friends for a year before that. sarah is his ex. i had and still to this day have a very toxic relationship with her and he would tell me too much abt them and what the did. he lost his virginity to her which rlly bothers me. when it mentions johns that was a party about a year ago where he got blackout drunk and couldn’t talk or sit up straight on his own and i had to stay in the bathroom with him alone for hours and clean up his vomit, pull up his pants, and carry him outside and it traumatized me. and kelly is my therapist. thoughts i don’t actually love him i’m leading him on i only want to be best friends again i’m not happy enough when i’m with him i’m not good enough to him he doesn’t like me he’s going to break up with me him playing video games and not paying attention to me means he doesn’t like me anymore him needing space means he doesn’t like me him not wanting to hangout means he doesn’t like me he’s probably sending nudes to other girls and i would have no idea he still likes his exes he still likes the girls he told me abt months before we were dating he isn’t good enough (vapes) i get so beyond sad when he drink/vapes my stomach drops (bc of johns) he’s lying to me abt vaping, drinking, weed beady eyes (i hate that i think this) not actually attractive if i think other guys are attractive it’s bc i don’t actually love him if he thinks other girls are attractive it’s because he doesn’t actually love me i’m leading him on other people are way more in love we’re going to break up i’m annoying him i’m too sensitive and he’s going to get tired of it comments he made abt sarah (she cries so much, she thinks we’re gonna get married) he was annoyed with her when he made those comments so he could be making those comments abt me i think abt sarah every time he does something cute/ hold his hand etc (‘he did this with sarah too’ ‘sarah thought it was cute when he did this too’) i don’t actually have feelings for him i’m just tricking myself that it’s ocd the thoughts are real if i’m having these thoughts they must be true i should break up with him now so that i don’t hurt him longer feel anxious going on dates in public older people judge us feel like kelly will judge me ‘she’s just a teenager she doesn’t know what love is’ scared people think i’m gay that ‘we knew you were gay from when you were little’ scared my friends think i’m gay scared kelly will think i’m gay having doubts abt loving my boyfriend means i like girls thinking a girl is attractive means i’m gay noticing a girls ass or boobs makes me gay ‘it runs in the family’ (my cousins are mostly all lgbtq+) i’m having the thoughts so it must be true i don’t have hocd i’m denying that i’m gay

Why did this ruined my whole perception on life. I used to think this shut was amazing and beautiful. I wanted to travel, see country’s, help people in need. I loved cultures and my biggest dream was going to the jungle and all that. Even tho if i wouldnt be able to achieve all that i still had the power and ability to just dream about it. That would be enough. But now even that had been taken. When i think about these things the sparkling feeling doesnt come, the desire to want it and the feeling of just being excited doesnt come up. Thats what makes me feel so numb and dark. For example inalways used to dream about going to tokio. I promised my 12 year old self i would at least visit japan once. Now im able to but i dont feel that passion or that love anymore. Theres zero excitemend. All becaude of the damage hocd has done me. I feel broken and idk if i can be restored again. I dont wsnt to miss out on these things. I get so sad thinking about that ill might never feel that magical feeling i used to crave so much. My young me would be so dissapointed. I dont wanna stay bitter but i littersly csnt control my feelings. I cant tell my soul to feel excited when its just anxious all the time. It has to be natural and genuine and im so afraid im not able to ever produce natural and genuine feelings without at least think of something that i dont wsnt to think about, like a hocd thought or just any of all the fucked up thoughts that ruined me. I have friends who are depressed but theyre sad they tell me but they keep on rumbling about how much they dream of doing this and this and going on vacations n shit and im like, how tf are h even able to be excited or have passion for something? Arent u completely shattered to the point where u cant dream no more. I mean i dont wish them any of what jm feeling and its not like i dont want them to be happy but idk one time we relate with feeling so drained but then suddenly they can act so happy and excited for things. Idk if im the only who has this but my dreams dont feel pure andymore and its sucks because when i was young i just couldnt wait. Like i already was happy but i looked so forward to my dreams thst could make me even more happy and now i csnt even reach being okay. I want to feel those moments so bad without it feeling forced or makingg me anxious. I dont wanna go to tokio unless if i get my old self back and me able to feel thode goosebumps i used to get when i even just thought about being in that city. I just miss feeling alive. When i was young i listened to music and i couldny wait to go clubbing, now im at the age where i csn do all the teen stuff but it doesnt get me excited and it doesnt gibe me sparkle. It gives me anxiety. And i know the obstacle thats causing this is hocd but hocd seems unremovable and i feel like its nesteled in my brain and like a virus i will never lose. So what if the highest point ive reached in my life was when i was 12 and had a crush on harry styles and had a will to live and dreamt all day because it made me feel so so happy and special. I just have to know if im able to get over this and feel that. I dont wanna waste anymore time being like this but i cant stop it and when i try it gets worse. i want to be excited by life again. Right before hocd i was, it all shutered down the minute hocd came in my life. So if hocd is gone will it come back? It feels like ive ruined myself and like im not capable of feeling those feelings ever again.

Anyone available for talking cauzz im feeling really anxious right now ??

I can't tell if I have HOCD or I'm in great denial. It feels so unnatural to be with a girl but I feel like I want it? I am scared I don't have any HOCD and I'm just saying this as an excuse to not be gay. I always smile (without even trying) whenever I imagine myself with a boy and when I imagine it with girls, it just feels so lonely and dark. Makes me want to peel my own skin. I really want to be straight again. I know I've always been.

I feel like I’m just gonna be the one person whose actually gay. And i also feel like I’d be living a lie if I were straight :( But I wanna be straight :( Do you feel that way?

Since I’ve moved countries and away from everything I’ve ever known, my depersonalization has been so bad. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. I’m so lonely, I have no friends, and no family, nothing I know or feel comfort in. I feel so isolated to the point there’s constantly a brick on my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve just got married but I’m seriously considering going home. I miss home. I miss me. I miss being able to feel comfort.

Hi I’ve recently been diagnosed with sever anxiety and ocd.. I have really delusional thoughts and I have this thing were I think, if I think of a memory I’ll change it.. but I’m obsessed with trying to remember conversations from that day or years ago I feel like a flood gates been opened into my memory I’m also struggling with harm ocd as well.. worst of all is what I can only describe as racing thoughts but there unconnected.. example.. amygdala blue car and the red car Cumberland sausage the rock theme tunes.. and now I’m getting them were my voice changes into accents with the conversations ?

I havent been on here in a while and honestly stuff has been getting worse. I legitimately feel like I'm crazy, but sometimes it comes in waves. For a bit I may be feeling fine and then I get an odd feeling and just feel off and the instrusive thoughts start getting worse. These thoughts are literally eating me alive. I love my parents and I would be devastated if anything happened to them, but I feel like I'm the danger and I hate it. I find myself leaving the house as often as I can and when I come back at night I literally get the worse feelings. They already know about this and I've been seeing a doctor about it, but cant get a psychiatrist appointment until jan 22 ?. At this point I dont even consider it ocd I just think I fucked my brain up with drugs.

Warning, VERY LONG: Okay so I just got triggered. Gay people say they knew they were gay from a young age, like they didn’t talk about the opposite sex or go Gaga over them. In sixth grade I was reading a book where this girl was a tomboy and all the guys liked her, so I dressed like a tomboy cause I thought I’d get guys to notice me. But me and my friends rarely talked about guys and I didn’t think anything of it cause I remember having crushes that time and thinking that about myself. Also in sixth grade my mom asked if I liked boys and I said “ew no that’s gross” (note: two years before I was being sexually abused by a guy and watched my friend as well) and then she asked “do you like girls” and I went “ew no that’s even grosser.” And I remember at times telling my dad I thought all the girls talking about guys was dumb, but I remember in seventh grade I started talking about boys more. Like before hocd hit I had a huge crush on Hayes grier and had my first ever sexual dream with him. I remember telling my mom I think I’m starting to get an interest in guys. But after that hocd hit like two months before I was 13. When my hocd is gone for awhile I think guys are cute and want a relationship but when it’s not I’m always freaking out. As a little little kid I remember finding guys cute, chasing boys on playgrounds, telling one we’re gonna get married on Monday, telling them they’re cute, being obsessed with the Ken Barbie doll and all that stuff. This all is so much harder for me (hocd) cause I have anxiety with guys touching me since I was sexually abused for three years, witnessed him rape my best friend and touch 7 other girls. Once when I was fifteen this guy touched my thigh and I had a huge anxiety attack. I’m much better now, but there’s only truly been one boy I’ve loved and TRULY KNOW I’ve wanted him to touch me. I also remember finding this one guy so cute when we i was 15. I have only ever gotten turned on by sexting with a guy and guys touching me. Like then my hocd goes “well you’ve never tried it with a girl” but I don’t wanna. This all is so intense and scary. Reading my past do I sound gay? :( or possibly could be I’m so scared

When I was in kindergarten, an older kid at my babysitter’s house was sexually inappropriate with me. I felt horrible guilt about what had happened for a long time. It caused me to start having severe panic attacks at age seven. I constantly felt like I was carrying around a dirty secret. I couldn’t eat. The best way I can describe the guilt was the physical feeling that my stomach was heavy. I very recently, at the age of 18, had my first consensual sexual experience. Afterwards, I laid in bed next to the guy and silently endured a panic attack. I was afraid of feeling the guilt again. Like horribly afraid. I couldn’t calm myself down or logic it out in my head. This was after cancelling on this guy twice for fear of having sex and then feeling the guilt. I should capitalize that. The Guilt is more fitting. Guilt is something I cannot stand in the slightest, and the only way I could make myself stop panicking about this situation was to almost immediately tell my mom. Why? I’m an adult. I’m on the pill. It’s my personal life. She doesn’t need to know. But I was so afraid of The Guilt, and that was the only way to be sure I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Now I’m fine. But I’m afraid of not being able to enjoy certain aspects of my life because I’m so afraid of The Guilt returning.

I have what can only be described as a debilitating obsession with clarifying myself and making my points clear to others, often after a conversation has already passed. My inner peace tends to become greatly affected by the compulsion to seek approval, “permission”, reassurance, etc so that others have absolute confirmation of my perspective, what I meant, or what I intended to say, etc. This often leads to catastrophizing what it is they may be thinking which only further drives the compulsion to clarify. It’s as if I must be heard (or re-heard), and they must know what I meant or else they will think the “wrong” thing about me, and potentially judge me based on inaccurate data. Basically, I must know that someone (usually someone close to me) has the right idea about me or else it drives me crazy. I suppose you can say it’s a form of approval addiction with OCD symptoms. Does anyone else ever experience this?

So I have a question for everyone in here I want to as clearly as I can describe my harm OCD including my obsessions, spikes, and compulsions and I want to see if anyone in here can relate to my experience. It’s bizarre for sure just to let you all know. So my obsession is that I will harm everyone I encounter when I’m out in public, including people I just randomly walk by in the store and or elsewhere. Even if I’m just sitting in my car parked and seeing people walk by outside my car. When I physically look at them my spike immediately occurs and most of the time it is an 8 or 10 out 10 intensity level. Next is my compulsion. So what I do for my compulsion is I have to keep physically looking at them either for a few seconds or until they walk out of site. By doing this I’m assuring myself that I couldn’t have done anything to them because I see them walking away and their just fine. It’s just so exhausting and repetitive. This specific theme has been going on strong now for at least a year and a half and I just can’t shake it. Any help or ideas or similar experiences would be greatly helpful. Thanks!

Dreams don’t mean anything, right?

Can I talk to someone real quick

POCD / In tears at family gathering/fear of touching? Any advice please. 34 y/o male. Have been suffering with POCD groinal reactions, ROCD, scrupulously, etc for many years. Does anyone fear that they are trying to touch or rub against people? Sometimes this thing will happen where something will provoke me to move my body (like turn around or move out of the way of something) and I’ll worry that what’s actually happening is that I’m trying to rub against someone. This happened last year at a party I was at where a woman walked by and I moved away to let her by, but was really worried that I had actually tried to touch her. The same thing happened again today only with my 11 year old niece. Having POCD, I have had horrifying groinal reactions/false arousal around her. God, I hate this disorder. I would never dream of doing anything inappropriate to her. OCD has been a terror to me for the last few family gatherings. I think something got my attention in the line to get food from the kitchen counter and I turned to get out of the way. In the split second that it took me to turn around, I heard one of the kids in our family (couldn’t tell if it was my niece or nephew) approach. I am really, really worried that I had an impulse to rub against my niece in this split second. I was horrified. I would never ever under any circumstances try to do something inappropriate to my niece, but I’m worried that my body just did it on its own. Turns out, it was my nephew standing behind me and I didn’t even touch him when I turned around. I am relieved that I didn’t bump into him, but I can’t help but wonder - what was my intention? Did my body really move to touch what I thought was my niece? Anyone relate?

Help! I need to tell my story. It is long but if you could hear me and help me somehow I would be very thankful and pray for you! I am 16 soon 17, experimenting medium-strong HOCDz I hope my story won’t take too long but I really need help from those who maybe experiment the same thing. During my childhood, my father was not always present for me emotionally. He cheated many times on my mother, I saw him screaming at her even being violent( i don’t want to get into details ) so it became a kind of dominant masculine power into my mind. I still remember liking this girl in kindergarten and after all the cheating stuff began. From that moment, when I was only 6-7 i started searching on internet photos of muscled men. I even used to girly things in my childhood (playing with dolls) as now i find it a scary proof which gives me a great deal of anxiety.As the time passed and I grew I started watching gay porn. The thing is that I always had these images being dominated and powerless which at that time didn’t me any questions. The thing is that I never imagined myself in an emotional way with a man-but never, even when I was 10 or 9 or whatever that sounded very bad. After masturbating I always felt bad and somewhere in my soul I always knew that something was wrong. I always but always dreamed of a family with a beautiful woman and kids even when I was masturbatig. I still remember praying to God telling that this isn’t me! In my secondary, I was bullied and called names. Highschool, I was 15 came and I met this guy who was evidently gay or bi or whatever (i can’t even write these words without getting anxiety) and somehow we started becoming friends, till i posed the question he is gay, i am .. i didn’t know so we talked till one night we were in the city and he almost kissed me (almost because at that moment I was so freaked out and grossed and I felt it was so wrong but at the same time I was hopeless being given that girls didn’t interest me at that time. However I turned it off and never went again on such a date. All this shit gay dating questioning lasted for 6-7 months which were the worst of my life. I got the worst anxiety ever thinking and beliving that that was the life for me - living in gross gay relationships (i am really sorry, i am not homophobic but for me it’s just horrifying). That period i frequented a psychiatrist where I didn’t talk about these problems and just gave me some pills for stress. After this period the big question came « woah man, then.. there must be something between you and girls ». I started a journey of self development. I meditated, I lifted weights I started getting fit as in the « black period » as I call it I was not only skinny but almost cadaveric. So things got better, my self esteem grew and grew. I strengthened my relationship with God as before I didn’t belive in.And from one to another, I started getting aroused by girls, I started having fantasies sexuals and emotionals. I kissed girls and the time always seem to stop during that. I had these crush on a girl I found as an angel when I looked at her I felt my stomach float. I was very happy. Men didn’t seem attractive to me no more and I started thinking normal, I made a lot of friends( dudes) playing basketball. I felt great. Winter came and another question comes ( Why? But why did I have all these gay thoughts? Why, when now they seem so ugly, horrible, dark. They must have meant something. What if they still exist. What if I am denying and I am secretly hiding myself. And so the story of my HOCD begins. I obsess almost 24/7 and fearing that I am secretly bisexual. These thoughts make me crazy and depressed. I can’t even stay near a boy and not be afraid: what if? What if? What if I get a groinal response. What if the old times came back. The thought of a man touching me sensually makes me sick and at the same time I am focusing on my groinal to see if something happens. I just can’t imagine myself with a man but the HOCD IS THERE WHISPERING SOME BULLSHIT IN MY EAR. Since I identified all of my symptoms with HOCD i got also pocd and existential ocd but those stopped. But this, this keeps playing with me. Please, if you read all of these, I really need help the thought of any encounter with man starts making me crazy. I started watching too much porn I think I am begging to be addicted to reasure myself... I know deep in my soul I am straight i know but all my past experience amplifies my HOCD. Even the thought of being bi scares me. Help!

I recovered from Pure O (Harm OCD and HOCD), ask me anything! Disclaimer: I’m obviously not a professional! I just want to maybe offer some advice based on my own personal experiences and hopefully help and answer some questions people have

Ocd makes me feel so lonely. I crave for intimacy and being understood and cared for so much but it's like I'll never have any of these. I just overthink over stuff that makes me feel like crap, and I can't get them out of my mind. I'm set to lead a miserable life, stuck with my broken mind. This is no way to live.

I don't feel too great and it's not a physical thing. I don't have anxiety that much anymore it's a bit rare. I do worry I'm not worrying alot tho. It's like in between accepting what I worry about is true, and not wanting to ever even come close to anything like it. It feels weird and I fight myself alot (or my mind) on what is authentically my thoughts and what isn't. I went online (you know, like how your not supposed too) and I found an article about people with ocd might feel like they have to do what they worry about To get over all this. I don't want to and never will, but I still worry if I'm in that state or if I will get to that conclusion. I'm tired all the time and I'm never in the mood to do the things I loved before. I wish I knew how rough it was gunna be before it hit me. I left a job because it's super stressful and I'm unemployed rn. So I've been at home all day for a little while. So I came to a conclusion, I'm gunna try more. Ima go out, Try to find a job, try to take more than one shower every few days and I'm going to try to enjoy art again.I've come pretty far and im not stopping now. Anybody feel the same. Could always use the tips.

Anyone else just spend as much time as possible sleeping because that's the only time when your brain isn't firing on all cylinders like it's about to explode. Fuck.