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I call the hotlines for support but they’re not super familiar with OCD I don’t need help with the OCD (I mean I do but that’s not the support I’m asking for today) I need someone who understands the context

I keep feeling this pain in my right upper arm near my armpit, and cant stop thinking its a swollen lymph node that is caused by cancer. Plus I keep getting slight vertigo and am tired (totally not from the stress of moving, inconsistent sleep, or stress of always being anxious *sarcasm) its GOTTA be cancer like my dad had. I don't want to go to the doctor for nothing, but if it's not all in my head, I wanna make sure I catch it early.

i know from the title it might seem like this is a compulsion and that i'm just seeking reassurance and maybe that's what this is but i'm not too sure. in my past relationship with my ex boyfriend when we had sex for the first time, i told him to stop. i was right next to his ear so i just thought he didn't stop because he didn't hear me so i brushed it off and just ignored it. it was only afterwards he asked me if it was okay he had carried on even though i had told him to stop which obviously proves he did hear me and just decided not to stop. it was my first time having sex like ever so i wanted him to stop because it hurt. i'm asking if this is just my ocd or if it's real because i remember it so clearly happening but now im worried im just making it up to spite him and have just put it in my head, it's obviously a very serious thing which is why it's causing me so much distress. i don't know why id do that though because since then ive moved on, when him and i broke up i knew before then id have to talk to him about the things he done without my consent. idk it's just really stressing me out because it's a serious situation and even though i have no plans on taking further steps with it, questioning and doubting myself is driving me insane

this revolves around issues of consent and mentions intoxication - - - the other day i went out with my friend who brought his friend and she had taken 8 shots and i was sober except for hitting a thc cart and she was being really affectionate and getting in my neck and at first i thought it wasnt sexual but i think i liked the attention and i was kind of like smiling cause it was amusing/flattering but that was like 5 mins after meeting her probably more but it wasnt really long that i had been talking to her at that point that i was like fuck. and my smile dropped it wasnt funny i wasnt in a good mood and i was thinking about how im taking advantage of this girl. the whole night she kept telling me to let her know if she was making me uncomfortable bc i def wasnt reciprocating at all at least physically but i felt like 1) i didnt want to make her feel rejected 2) maybe something could happen when shes sober (idk if this is had) or if i get drunk 3) i just have a hard time setting boundaries in general and so like she kept doing that to me but i didnt reciprocate but i still feel disgusting i kept telling her to drink water and she is too drunk but i didnt outright say most of the time if i was uncomfortable i just said “maybe not right now” and i didnt tap her twice to let her know. i even asked my mom during it and she was like well she is responsible for herself and i was like hell no. but i went to her house to drink with our friend bc i felt left out but maybe i wanted to get on her level to do things (i wouldnt have. i hope not) i mean i DO hate feeling like the only sober person and drunk people annoy me most of the time so i did kind of want to put myself in their mindset because i wasnt enjoying myself being so in my head but they started throwing up so i got a lyft for me and my friend. i still feel guilty especially bc at first it was kind of funny to me but theres nothing funny abt someone out of control i guess ive just never been in that situation before. especially since im a lesbian. i feel even more predatory bc of that fact. shes also like maybe 7 months younger than me which i feel is a huge age gap. we’re both 19. i dont know if i did the right things. like i would only tell her i was uncomfortable if she asked. it kind of reminded me of when i stayed at my sisters like i used to do a lot and shes an alcoholic and 11 years older than me. and one time i was watching tv on her couch and she came downstairs i think maybe she was with her bf and she started being affectionate and kissing me on the cheek and it made me anxious and uncomfortable cause she kept being like i love you so much and like a bunch of stuff she says when she gets drunk about how i was her gift. it wasnt like in a bad way dw but i do have skin picking disorder and ended up getting my first skin infection as a result of that night. at some point in the night i started thinking about that. but now idk if im the one who takes advantage of others. like my sister was drunk too i could have pushed her away. idk.

My ex and I got in a huge fight over absolutely nothing which led him to block me and tell me to never return. With that, I accepted a date that a guy had asked me out on that I’ve known for years. We had a great time but didn’t do anything crazy. The next day, my ex unblocked me to ask why I didn’t care, blamed me for more stuff, etc. I was angry at first and wondering if I should see that other guy again (he’s very kind and attractive, but we didn’t exactly hit it off), but now I feel guilty. I still have love for my ex and he still loves me. Him blocking me was out of nowhere and after we confessed we still loved each other. Now I’m worried. I don’t think I like this new guy per se, but what if my ex decides to come back and I have to explain that I could have feelings for someone else? I don’t think I do YET but it’s possible. I’m completely stuck… I know hanging out with this guy again would be totally fun but idk if it’s worth it, and my guilt is leading me into a weird spiral of confusion and anger and anxiety. What should I do??

I did really bad, disgusting things when I was 12 to 15 years old. I don't know how to cope, I want to cry every few minutes when I remember. This isn't OCD overinflating a problem, or anything. Genuinely, if I were to repeat those same things now as an adult I'd be put away for a while. Some of these things involved people still in my life and they're either unaware, or simply forgot it ever happened, and I'm absolutely wracked with guilt any time they're around, because they seemingly still like having me around. I feel completely irredeemable, like it doesn't matter that I've changed, my actions were just THAT awful that I should always be labeled by these actions.

Never considered this a possibility until every recently when everything felt like it clicked. I had met my current best friend in Junior year of highschool, and we only became truly close during our Senior year and the following few years. She's been basically the only person I've associated with (outside a few buddies I had before graduation) amidst my depression and my life basically falling apart. I've done a lot of rumination over my handful of years of having her in my life, and the conclusion I've come to is that I've been absolutely terrible to her, despite the fact that she swears up and down that it's not the case. The first point of rumination is just all the times I've said creepy/perverted stuff to her, tried to engage with her in a sexual way, etc. There's been so many moments throughout our 4+ years of knowing each other where I would say something dirty/flirty in hopes something would blossom, and it was either so ill timed she would call me out on it, or she didn't really realize the implication. A handful of occasions I had been a bit pushy/trying too hard without really realizing it, but as I've grown as a person over the last few years I end up remembering and feeling gross about it. I'm also struggling with a couple of false memories, or at least, what I HOPE are false memories, convincing myself that I either have tried/wanted to touch her without her wanting it at some point. She tells me that I haven't done that and she would remember if I did, but I'm so scared that I've wanted to do so at some point and the thought horrifies me. I sometimes feel like I only ever became her friend for sexual reasons, or something. Something I'm horrified could be true. A point my mind holds against me often is how I'll video call with her when she's in a state of undress, and it's like, I'll want to do it more because of it? As scummy as that sounds? What makes it worse, is that I talked to her the other night about things that we often do together that in my eyes are an intimate thing, whereas she sees them as stuff she does with close friends. Showering on the phone, stuff like that. Which makes me feel worse for pursuing a relationship like that with her when it was never there at all. The second point is largely a byproduct of the first point, where I had often felt immense guilt over my previous actions and would profusely apologize and deliberately avoid her for long periods of time. She's told me that I've caused her a lot of pain doing that to her, despite me feeling like it's the right thing to do quite often. So despite everything I've talked about, like I said, my friend doesn't have any issues with me. She swears up and down that I'm too hard on myself, and when I ask what exactly she wants out of our relationship, she says she just wants me to keep being who I've been, who in her eyes, is her chill friend she can talk about whatever with and play games with. All of what I've talked about isn't even a factor. Something me and her have talked about is how she's pretty dense when it comes to social things, so part of me can't help but wonder if I really have been as horrible as I think I have been, and she simply hasn't had it click. I care about her so much, man. Maybe high school me was only thinking about sex. I don't know anymore. All I know is that even if I didn't care back then, I DEFINITELY do right now. She's such an amazing person and easily the best HUMAN I've ever had in my life. That's why this is tearing me apart so thoroughly. The idea that I've been so horrible to the only person who actually CARES about me at all makes me lose sleep.

i recently found out that i am pregnant (i am almost 8 weeks along and i found out when i was 4 weeks) which being pregnant has been a huge fear of mine for a long time and i told myself when i wanted have kids then i was going to adopt rather than go through pregnancy. fast forward to now, it has shaken my whole life up, i took a plan B to try and prevent myself from getting pregnant and i still did anyway. 😅 it has been a while since i have felt my OCD has been debilitating or lasted extended periods, but my anxiety/OCD has been running rampant since the day i found out, about many different OCD themes and my blood pressure has been elevated, but one in particular is me being TERRIFIED of Postpartum Depression or developing Postpartum Psychosis. (i grew up with a parent that developed a psychotic illness later in their life, to my knowledge it does not run in the family but neither does OCD and i have that, so) i am just terrified of pregnancy affecting me in a way i will never bounce back from. i have also been experiencing some health issues since being pregnant and i am just scared of what the future will hold since i am so early on and there’s a long way to go. i am afraid that i will go crazy, or ill be in a permanent mental health state i wont recover from. what if i cant handle pregnancy? what if i develop psychosis post partum? what if i feel like i don’t love my baby after i give birth? even though this was an accident and it is terrifying, i want to try to give my baby the best life i can. but i also don’t even feel that i am ready. idk. idek what the point of my post is but i am venting 😭

This is so insanely long I’m so sorry! But if people can take a look at this and give me their honest raw opinion that would be amazing thank you! - I feel I come up with new thoughts to continue to ask God for forgiveness - I can sometimes easily stop thoughts from forming completely and be present in the moment when I ignore the first few thoughts that pop up. - I want God to see that I am trying to cancel the thoughts out and not let them happen and be like God sees me trying to stop them. - it’s also so easy for me to not think so I’m like it’s 100% me conjuring them up and forming them cause I’m like wait I can literally just stop and I do. I can also easily imagine normal things in my mind of myself like wholesome things and I like switch it to insanity but I’m like wait Faith stop and then the heinous thoughts get triggered if that makes sense. I also feel myself honing in and like spazzing out like physically to reject the thought. It’s like I don’t want the thought but I conjure it up and feel no remorse or anything but then other times I get anxiety for like a split second and then easily move on. - I like taunt my mind to conjure up thoughts. - when I get frustrated or impatient the bad thoughts come back or I feel the need to say them to get something to work cause I get annoyed - When I get excited to maladaptive daydreaming I think a blasphemous thought to get out of the excitement and to not maladaptive daydream. I feel conviction to not do the daydreaming, but I ignore it and then ask for forgiveness after knowing that is most likely what I should not be doing, but I do it anyway cause it makes me so joyful and happy. - I’m like going back and thinking of people to take the bad thoughts out on. I’m like going down a list - I can think about a situation so normally sometimes, but then I remind myself I’m like wait I have to think about this sexually. - I’ll be looking to say something terrible and bad in my mind, but then I’m like wait don’t say anything at all like you don’t need to say a word or say anything mean and then I’m able to stop completely. - I try to get my mind going to like get my nervous system going to like become nervous, scared and to cancel them out to be like “wait these thoughts are not mine” like trying to prove something. I don’t want them to be mine but sometimes I don’t care if they are or not. - also feel like if something bad happens to me then all these things will stop. So I’m starting to think all these thoughts are me cause like I know they would stop probably.

I feel like my OCD was almost nonexistent during my 1st and 2nd trimester of pregnancy. Now that I'm in my 3rd I feel like it trying to itch to come back ..... my mind wondering more , spikes of anxiety from thoughts becoming more frequent..... still managing on controlling it better - but I can def feel it starting to creep. Anyone else experiencing something similar?

I had a stressful day today. Work was crazy and stressful. I had to conduct a last minute 3 hour virtual training...... Instead of doing it, I called in sick and took my son to urgent care. He was sick....... however I was really also finding an excuse to avoid public speaking as I previously had an embarrassing public speaking moment when I had IT issues during a training I was conducting. I was mortified. While at the doctor, my son ended up having a sinus infection, ear infection AND to torture me........... a chest xray which showed pneumonia. While I was at the doctor with my son, my jaw was hurting which was convincing me I was stroking out from stress induced raging high blood pressure, my face felt weird and my eyelids were twitching. 🙄🙄🙄 I said to myself "it is what it is...." as my therapist taught me and carried on.....Uncomfortably. 🥴🥴🥴🥴😱😱😱😱😱😱 In hindsight, I am sure I was anxiously clenching my jaw. Then..... I went to work because I wouldn't get paid otherwise..... and had to face the Director who was irritated that I refused to do the training. Some days I love my job.... other days I want to run for the hills. But all and all, I'm happy I took my son to the doctor and that I kissed my Director's ass so she couldn't bare to be irritated with me any longer. And I did all the shit I had to do. I'm on Day 2 of taking a new medication that literally sat in my house for over a year because I'm such a hypochondriac that I literally was too scared to take it... even though not taking it could create issues that would be much worse. And rationally, I know the pill is perfectly safe. Anyways, I took it !!! and I'm happy to report, I am still alive and kicking! Now let's see what ridiculous behavior I participate in tomorrow. But at least it's Friday! I have an action packed weekend planned, but I'm thinking it might just turn into a doing nothing in my comfy bed all weekend because the thought of actually seeing friends (who I adore) and being active (which makes me feel accomplished) actually just makes me want to dry heave. 🥴 If you actually read all of this, kudos to you. Because I got nothing interesting going on in my life🤣 but sometimes it just feels good to let it all out!

... Whether it was my specific intention to or not. I have no idea at this point. My mind is a constant whirlwind. I obsess over this literally every single moment of my day. It never goes away no matter what I tell myself. There's like, one big memory that keeps popping in, with a bunch of other "what ifs". All involving my nephew. The big memory in question is, at one point, my mom was forcing me to clean my nephew because she was busy, and I normally refuse to clean up children. I wasn't able to touch him to actually clean him, so I ended up putting him in the shower to try and spray him off in a panic, which didn't work either. I broke down and cried in the bathroom. But now I keep convincing myself that I did something bad to him. Accidentally or not. I keep getting an intrusive image of me touching him badly that I don't think is real, but I can't prove it. In addition to this, my mind just keeps asking "what ifs" "What if you enjoyed it when he'd climb all over you when he was a baby?" "What if those accidental touches and brushes weren't accidents?" "What if you're looking at him inappropriately on purpose?" My mind has pretty much turned every memory involving him into a POCD soup. I legitimately cannot tell you what the truth is. The truth I WANT is that I'm just overreacting, that I hadn't actually enjoyed or wanted any of these things. But my mind has so thoroughly convinced me I'm a monster that I can't calm myself down. What makes everything more confusing is that my nephew loves me, and my family doesn't see me as a threat to him, hell, they've even said I'd make a great dad, if I ever wanted kids. (Which I don't, regardless of POCD.) So now I feel as though I'm "lying" somehow. That I've put on a front to make everyone think I'm safe so I can do more wrong. Even though that's... Not what I want at all. I don't want any of this to be real. I just don't know what's real anymore. I don't think I had done anything wrong, but my brain keeps telling me that I'm lying to myself. Any time someone tells me I didn't do anything wrong I end up telling myself that they're lying.

Last night and into today has been one of the hardest episodes I’ve had in a while. It started with me noticing a strange “touching” sensation whenever intrusive thoughts or images came up. It felt like someone was touching me even though nothing was happening. The sensation felt extremely real, but it also felt off and uncomfortable. Even though it didn’t feel right, my mind kept asking, “What if you like it?” That question made me panic. I started testing myself by intentionally bringing up scenarios in my head to see how I would react. The more I replayed them, the more vivid they became. At one point I imagined a girl touching me and kissing me, and the physical sensations became so strong that it felt like I was actually being touched. I wasn’t thinking, “I want this,” but my brain immediately started questioning whether the sensations meant I liked it. I kept asking myself over and over what it meant instead of letting it pass. At another point, I imagined being in what felt like a lesbian love story. I even “played along” with the fantasy out of curiosity to see what would happen. When the feeling started fading, I found myself trying to bring it back just to see if I could recreate it. That confused me even more because it made everything feel very real, and afterward I was left with a lingering dream-like feeling. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like waking up from a very vivid dream where the emotions stay with you after you wake up. Even though I knew it was only in my imagination, I felt like I was still emotionally inside the scenario. The feeling was unfamiliar, almost like it was taking over my attention, and I couldn’t stop wondering what it meant. I also noticed that if I became distracted or focused on something else, the feeling would start fading. But then I would intentionally go back looking for it, replay the scenario, and the sensations would come back again. I realized I was stuck in a cycle of testing, checking, replaying, and trying to figure out what every sensation meant. This morning I woke up already feeling anxious. My mind immediately went back to the scenarios from yesterday, and the touching sensations came back again. I kept asking myself, “Do I like this? Do I want this?” My immediate answer was no, but then I doubted my own answer because the sensations felt so convincing. I felt like I was still stuck in that dream-like fantasy feeling from the night before. Today I’ve also noticed feeling emotionally empty while these thoughts, sensations, and doubts keep happening. It feels like my emotions are drained, but my mind keeps producing intrusive thoughts and making me question everything. I feel overwhelmed, confused, and exhausted from constantly testing myself and trying to understand what every thought and sensation means. I’m sharing this because I want help with the cycle itself. I want to understand why I keep feeling the need to test, replay, and analyze my reactions, why the sensations can feel so vivid and convincing, and how I can stop getting pulled back into them.

So today my sister took our family dog to the vet. They did a stool examination and guessed that given the state of his teeth it’s likely he has an infection that’s spread to other parts of his body. They want to put him down tomorrow. A bit of context, I also have a diabetic cat whose medical bills I pay despite not having a job. I have a decent amount of saving from when I used to be a barista, but that’s it. I’m always hesitant to spend my money because I don’t know how long it’s gonna be before I’ve recovered enough to handle a job. I also don’t have much financial support from either of my parents so if I ever want to go back to school, I’d be paying for it. (My dad pays for sisters already so I guess he can’t afford to pay for another person to go to school idk). Recently there’s been talk about moving, but my mom can’t do so without paying off her debt so I’ve offered to give her all my money so that we can get out of here since we don’t have the best home life. Now I’m torn about what I should do about our dog. They want to put him down but they only did one test and aren’t 100% certain his condition is fatal, they’re just guessing. So I want to get a second opinion, but everyone disagrees with me saying it’s a waste of money. So if I really want to get more tests done, I’ll be the one having to pay for it. He’s been bleeding out of his bottom today and the vet said the best option is to let him go, but I just can’t help but feel doubtful. I just don’t know what to do. On one hand, I don’t prolong his suffering and let him go on the other Im the one to pay for extra medical testing and it’s not even guaranteed it’ll amount to anything. What should I do? I’m so lost and scared

I'm on the fence whether or not I want kids in general but one thing that entirely prevents me from wanting them is my OCD. I asked in a FB support group some mothers' experiences with OCD and being a parent and frankly it was so discouraging. The way they described the hardship was so off putting. I'm wondering if there's anyone here who can provide more positive experiences that becoming a mother with OCD hasn't completely destroyed them. If therapy/medication helped? And how you did during the pregnancy? I need to decide if I want kids but I hate the idea that I wouldn't have them because of OCD.

I am about to start doing the ERP, but am trying to practice pushing through even for a minute. But when I push through OR when I end up doing the ritual or compulsion, the thoughts and urges get louder. Do anybody have any resources or advice for this? I want to get better and don't want to get scared or so tired that I become submissive to it again. Thanks, peace and love (שלום ואהבה)

I am a 25 years old university girl .OCD affects to my studies soo badly .It take my time think for unconscious thought throughout my all day long.

I will apologize in advance for the long post. I went to a big city with some friends a few months ago and went to a place I am not proud of and highly regret. I had not told my wife about this. We were getting ready to try to get pregnant, and while praying I felt conviction to tell my wife of what I had done. For this, I don't regret my decision. She deserved to know. On Sunday, afternoon, I simply told her that we had went to this place. I did not go into details of what all we had done while we were in there. I took some sleeping meds and went to bed early. The next day, I felt guilt and shame for what I had done. I felt as if I was hiding things from her and not being completely transparent. Tuesday, I sit her down and told her exactly what we had done while we were in said location. I gave her names of who was with me, how long we were there. I felt a relief as I felt as if I had told her everything. I took a sleeping aid and went to bed. The next day, I felt more shame for what I had done. I replayed the event in my head. I called my friends that were with me and seen how they felt about the situation. I felt as if I may have done more than I confessed to. I didn't know if these details were true. I had major chest pressure that would not go away. When I got home, I told my wife that I didn't know if I actually did these things, but to make her decision if our marriage would work based on the fact that I did these things because I don't know. Then, I got to reading the bible about where this fit religiously. Does it classify as adultery? Does it disqualify me from ever being a religious leader? The anxiety from reading scripture would cause emotions that are hard to describe. I seeked advice from two of my religious co-workers and a family friend that caused temporary relief, but the anxiety came back. Then, being afraid of not being transparent with my wife, I told my wife about looking at pictures of other people on Instagram. She said some of this stuff I have done is creepy. My mother had a rough childhood from her stepdad, and now because of some of this, I have been "what if" myself about if I will turn into that person. I guess my main question is: have I always had OCD or is it something that I just started? I have always been obsessive over things-trucks, coolers, money. I have been indecisive. Order something, get buyer's remorse. Try to cancel the order. But I've never felt anything like I have over this moment. I know it is extremely personal which is understandable, but it is tough to process. About a week into all of this, I went to the doctor to get some help with calming my brain so I could focus at work. She gave me hydroxyzine as a short term and fluoxetine for long term. While I was taking hydroxyzine, it was like it toned out all outside noise and made my brain just focus on the faults I have and what this meant about me. I have since stopped that medicine. I am about a month into this. I am certainly a lot better. Our marriage is going to survive. But I still have thoughts about what this means about me, or I compare myself to others around me, or get triggered by something said on tv, or if I see one of my friends that was there that night.

Looking for advice on how to handle coming across true crime media. I’ve been doing very well overall for quite some time, but I find that true crime articles, documentaries, YouTube videos, etc. are my worst trigger. I recently came across a very scary case involving a mother and I initially couldn’t stop crying. Now I can’t shake this awful feeling with my intrusive thoughts. Reality is I’m always going to come across these stories because that’s just life, but how do I not let them rock my progress every time?

I just got a terrible past memory . When I was freshly I think 18 someone had added me on TikTok and sent me their snap and I added it stupidly and I was just curious and then I saw a post and by the way I was still school myself for an exam and then I saw a repost about something a grade or 2 below me and then i just realised what the hell and I had already had 2 convos I think and then I realised and I feel terrible and so guilty . I definitely removed and unadded and I don’t think there was any significant conversation at all but I’m not sure as either ocd and memory but this memory just came up and I feel so horrible inside so shameful and so disgusting . Why did I even bother texting back . I feel so dumb why did I add ??? So stupid and I don’t have that app snap anymore for 2 years . And I remember that phase in my life I did a lot of things for male validation after a traumatic experience with someone and I am so ashamed and I feel so guilty even if it was a small gap in age 2-3 years idk ?!!! I can’t be sure idk if I said anybrinf weird idk anybrinf I’m so worried and scared .ive gone through this traumatic stuff with older guys so idk why I am thinking I did something wrong it’s killing me inside . I know we grow and mature but I feel so dumb and stupid for the decline I made a year or 2 ago . This is just a to get off my chest but the first time I’m seeing I might actually be a disgusting person and it’s not just my ocd anymore