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OCD, Hyperawareness, and the Fear of Never Feeling Normal Again 💚 I’ve recently started recognizing a cycle I’ve been stuck in with my OCD, and I wanted to share it in case anyone else experiences something similar. One of my biggest struggles isn’t necessarily the intrusive thoughts themselves anymore, but the constant awareness that they’re there. It’s almost like I’m observing myself living instead of actually experiencing life. Even when I’m doing something enjoyable, spending time with people, or just going about my day, I find myself constantly monitoring how I feel. Am I happy? Am I enjoying this? Do I feel normal? Are my intrusive thoughts still in the background? Do I finally feel like myself again? It’s exhausting because I feel like I’m constantly checking my internal experience instead of actually being present. Along with this comes a persistent “not-just-right” feeling. It’s almost like my brain is telling me something is unresolved and I need to figure it out before I can move on with my life. So I start analyzing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, hoping to find an answer that will finally make me feel okay. But no matter how much I try to figure things out, no answer ever feels satisfying enough. I’ve realized that underneath all of this is one of my biggest fears: What if I never feel normal or enjoy life again? When I start imagining myself feeling this way forever, I sometimes experience intense panic and passive suicidal thoughts. Those moments can be really frightening, and I’m working with my treatment team to understand and manage them. I’ve started noticing this cycle: Hyperawareness → Mental checking → Rumination → Feeling unresolved → Fear of never getting better → Panic → More intrusive thoughts and checking. I think I’ve been waiting to feel completely normal, comfortable, and mentally clear before allowing myself to enjoy life again. But something I’m beginning to learn through ERP is that maybe the goal isn’t to figure everything out or make every uncomfortable feeling disappear. Maybe it’s learning how to continue living while those feelings and unanswered questions are still there. I’m learning that I don’t have to constantly evaluate whether I’m happy, present, or feeling like myself. I can practice participating in my life without needing to check how I’m feeling every second. It’s definitely easier said than done, and I’m still struggling with it, but recognizing this pattern feels like an important step in my treatment. Does anyone else struggle with excessive self-monitoring, hyperawareness, or the feeling that something needs to be mentally resolved before you can enjoy life? I’d really love to hear from others who understand this experience. 💚

I’ve suffered with ocd particularly pure O for about 10 years now. In the past year or so, it’s manifested in the sense that every single second of the day I’ll have intrusive thoughts saying I fancy kids or my family, and the ocd really tries to make me feel like I do. I know I don’t. But I have to constantly repeat to myself in my head that I do not fancy them, probably like 30 times every hour of the day. Does anyone know how to stop this? If I don’t it genuinely tries to make me feel like I do when I really don’t. I haven’t done exposure therapy yet, I’m in the process of trying to find a therapist near to me. I think the thought of it just scares me because I think what if this isn’t ocd and it’s genuinely me?

I feel as though my personality has changed since ocd started showing up. I’m having way less fun with my life, and taking everything so serious- because that’s what ocd does. I just wanna enjoy myself again and do the things I used to love doing. Adventuring, art and being who I am again. I know we’re forever changing and we aren’t the same people we were a year ago or even a few months ago, but I still miss that me that was so free spirited. Has anyone else dealt with this and did you figure it out? I’d like to one day develop a strong sense of self with ocd being there but not overtaking me. It takes a huge amount of self acceptance and compassion I’ve realized which is so new to me after living a life full of fear, shame, and masking. It’ll just take time

Hi so my doctor wants me to go on medication but I’m just too scared to go on it. I think this is called magical thinking but I have convinced myself that if I take my medication I’m going to fall out of love with my boyfriend of 3 years and we’re going to separate. I think that is my intrusive thoughts from my relationship ocd but I hate it so much. I just think “what if I take the medication and have no feelings for him” and thoughts like that. It’s been affecting me getting a job too because I think “what if this causes us to break up because we won’t have as much time together”. Or I think “what if I fall in love with someone else and lose him” I don’t want to lose my boyfriend and this scares me.

For years I was on an anti depressant to manage my OCD symptoms, but I went off of it in an effort to become independent and prove something to myself. For the first four months off everything has been very good. But recently I have been finding that I’m having really unpleasant thoughts and they don’t feel intrusive. They’re very distressing, but something about them feels more real. Like I’m doing something to make the thoughts happen as opposed to it being uncontrollable. It almost feels like I’m bringing the thoughts on as opposed to them just coming to me because they’re the opposite of what I truly want. I don’t really understand what’s happening and I’m curious if anyone else experiences this. I’d do anything to go back to the types of feelings I used to get, becuase at least I knew the thoughts were intrusive. At this point I’m starting to second guess everything about myself as a person and as a partner (my OCD is, and has mostly always been ROCD).

I’ve been drinking more the past week because I’ve been out with friends. And I just noticed how depressed and anxious I was today. I have bad days on and off and I can manage to pull myself out by practicing meditation. I just couldn’t do that today so I’m thinking it might be my body fighting my mind rather than vise versa. I have a healthy relationship with this guy but I often feel like I’m just not good enough or not having a healthier connection. And I feel like by me feeling more off, this actually comes true. Doea this mean it’s not the right guy if I can’t connect deeper with him when I’m having off days? And this is probably 40% of the time.

Why do I want to involve myself in such triggering situations with an already distorted mind? (I'm currently in break period/school right now.. I'll respond to my previous responses from earlier posts but I just want to talk about this right now. 💜) But while I'm in my scholars program, I've been thinking. From last year I had zero clue on what I want to do after high-school and now I have 3 big interests in the current moment.. which they all involve medical areas. 1. Paramedics, (Serious and heavy) 2. Pediatrician, (Not as heavy), 3. Psychologist, but specifically in working with inmates or people who have done really really unacceptable things. Another option is to work with people who are suffering with a really serious and life ruining disorder. (Serious + heavy and I may get judged by the public if I follow through the first option of #3.) ... This is obviously really hard. Especially for I who suffers with very problematic subtypes and Real Events + False Memories (False Memories is a seperate thing from Real Events.) Most of the careers I have in mind may be a really obviously triggering path for me, due to OCD/anxiety + trauma, but I just feel really called for it. For my serious options such as paramedics or similar, I want to save people and my mind is so chaotic already + the extra pressure keeps me working and seeing progress in something so awful and serious makes me feel ambitious.. although seeing failure in saving a life as well as seeing heartbroken families terrifies me. Nontheless, I still want to try. For psychology, it's complicated but I have many reasons and thoughts as to why I may want to pursue that career. But I guess since my mind is already clouded with such scary things, I hate the idea of being evil and it this disorder torments me everyday about it, it has opened my eyes to maybe consider on what if I've actually work with people who (key word ->) intentionally have a demented and harmful mindset.. does that make sense??? I obviously don't want to sympathize for their actions whatsoever, but I want to empathize with the journey on what has lead to their state and such and attempt to prevent future disturbing tragedies. Or another option is I want to work with people who suffer with schizophrenia, DID, other lesser known disorders so that they no longer feel so alone. But yeah,, that's my current thoughts as of now... I don't know how to feel. I'm so interested in these careers, and I've always enjoyed the topic of health and disorders- I mean that's how younger me figured out I had OCD; researching as well as noting my behaviors throughout the years, but I still have many questions, occasional fears and doubts. If the serious jobs I've mentioned end up not being the answer, I have pediatrician in the list but I'm really considering. (Thoughts, Questions, Discussions, & Sharing experiences are optional but appreciated..! <3)

i feel like im human but not human at the same time, like i feel like im a human w/o feelings and emotions man even tho i do have them but i feel as if im disconnected from myself yet im connected to myself. ever since my mind made up some i got alot of versions in myself, and like mutliple versions in my body i mean thats still me and how i react but like after my ocd just suppressed a version of myself, and i feel like this subconscious version that is controlling my movements is a version i suppressed. i feel like i have an identity but don't have an identity whatsoever what i healed from what i know is still there but idk i feel the constant need to reparent my past self that idk if its there or not because i have once parented that past self, i feel like whenever i do something i still get triggered and i feel like another past self is watching instead of just me the more i talk about it the more complicated it is. My brain loves to or I don't know if its real or fake, cause I don't even knwo what to do. From there, I had worried about not being human enough, so I wanted to think about my identity which is real or fake which I did technically it sort of feels like I’m pretending and not at the same time cause there are layers from me, and yet I think I taught my inner child I forgot or something I was worrying about what version am I, am I fixed or am I growing cause I’m not growing into who I wanna be, and so my OCD caused it so my OCD came and suppressed a version of myself and I thought I have DID/OSDD. And when I asked another person about it, they said “it’s not quite DID like or how they would manifest”, and I agree with that cause I feel like it’s just alters and my problems are just past versions of myself. And I am this current self, which is the healed and present self but my subconscious mind could be my self that I have suppressed and OCD made me feel like my versions are split and my brain has changed into two instead of one.

Anyone ever feel like their ocd got worse before it gets better on meds? I was on 100 mg of Zoloft for a while then got off of it because I thought it wasn’t working as well. Turns out getting off was a poor decision on my part. My ocd flared up so bad and instant panic arised. I started it again on 50mg and then bumped up to 75 mg but I feel shakey, tired, anxious, and like my thoughts won’t stop spiraling. I’m working on erp and letting my body adjust but omg am I tired. I was on 50mg for a week then bumped up to 75mg and I am currently on day 6 of 75mg. I definitely feel better than I did 2 weeks ago but I’m still really struggling with anxiety and fear of my thoughts. I tend to get a lot of what ifs and then I get anxious about being anxious. I also get anxious about having thoughts and that they will never slow down. I can barely focus on my work without zoning out. Ugh

I’m not sure what type this is… but, I’ve noticed it for awhile. Does anyone feel like if they avoid doctors appointments like check - ups and results, because you fear that there will be bad news… so you avoid them at all costs, so you can’t find it out cause if you do, then something might happen?. It’s like I get so scared to do medical stuff because I’m always so “ sure” that something will be wrong. Plus I get nervous if something might be found out, and I can’t do nothing about it. I kind of feel stupid for thinking this, cause I’m pretty okay except for the fact that I do have some health issues… can anyone relate ? 🥺

I have a severe fear of feeling out of control of my body, I used to be able to have a good time and go have drinks, or even have a medical procedure. Now I am terrified of anything that could make me feel out of ‘control’ of my self. I have a severe kidney problem, I’m peeing a lot of blood and I need to have surgery but I will not make myself do the procedure. I’m terrified of going into psychosis and this depressive episode I have went into before. It’s so hard describe but I want this to go away, all I do is think about it and live in fear. Please can anyone give me any advice or tell me that they struggle with the same thing? That you have recovered from anything similar? I feel broken and that I’ll never live normally again.

Since I have OCD I tend to have so many thoughts when I’m upset, and they aren’t helpful, they usually feed the feeling, so I’m wondering how people used to process feelings before thoughts were able to make us spiral and if it would be useful to use today? like I imagine it would be a body based way of processing all that fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc? They didn’t have the language to have thoughts that make it worse? lol

i’m currently waiting for work to start but i just need to vent. i’m not trying to hunt for reassurance. for the past week i’ve been having this intense ocd spiral that has made it really hard to enjoy things i love. it started off when i was waiting in line at a concert and said in my head “im so excited to engage in my hyperfixation when i get home!” and then i was met with a feeling of excitement followed by immediate dread. since that day, now i have immense dread when i engage in my hyperfixations due to the idea that ive been “contaminating” my it with my own negative thoughts and associations, and now my excitement is just a mix of excitement and weird dread and panic. anyone else relate to something similar??

i've just graduated, and i'm going to have a party but i'm still stuck and distressed abt what i remembered a few days ago of an episode of when i was in middle school. I keep thinking abt it and i feel a heavy weight on my chest that i cannot let go. i cannot be loose, i really want to have fun but i feel like i dont deserve it. could someone just answer my most recent post? please, i beg you.

I’ve always been mentally ill and have had one thousand different theories as to what was wrong with me. I never considered I might have OCD. When my boyfriend gently suggested I may have OCD a few months ago it felt like a bomb went off in my head! I feel like i’m so much more aware of my OCD thoughts and compulsions, it’s driving me crazy! It’s also bugging me because I worry that I might not actually have OCD and I am just making these intrusive thoughts up to fake having OCD for attention…. which is an OCD thought in itself…. It truly feels like there is a devil on my shoulder now! I just wonder why/how I spent my entire life ignoring the OCD but now that I’m aware and diagnosed I can’t ignore it anymore!! Has anyone else dealt with this? :)

I feel like ERP worked really well for some of my more physical compulsions, but I feel like I'm hitting a wall now that I'm trying to work into deeper/more complicated topics. I'm AuDHD as well, which could contribute? I feel like my therapist isn't really interested in talking about things/giving insight and just wants to immediately jump into how we can turn everything into an exposure. I get that that's what ERP is, but I feel like I'm not getting enough insight from her into what's ocd thoughts, how everything breaks down, etc. I'm wondering if a different type of therapy would end up being more beneficial for me. Anyone have any thoughts?

I want to apply to graduate school to become a therapist. I have been thinking about this for 3 years and Im in the field already. I have experience, a high undergrad gpa, reccomendators in mind. However, I am so irrationally anxious about it all. Like I am afraid to ask for recommendations because I fear being judged for changing my mind a lot, being rejected, being ignored. And I have this fear that im going to do all this work and then regret my decisions once I actually become a therapist. The applications are due in 3 months, but Im too anxious to even start. I told two therapists that I am looking for exposure and to sit with uncertainty in this is what happened: First ERP therapist told me that my anxiety is normal and I should maybe consider other options (which I have for years) I decided to take initiative and write down an exposure script about everything I am anxious about. When I showed my script to another ERP therapist, she told me that OCD is a liar. Then, she had me go through the evidence as to why my fears aren't true (like one of my fears is that one of my reccomendators is going to judge me because I didn't respond to him because of ocd intrusive thoughts, but he has supported me professionally non-judgementally for years). She said that people become anxious when things are big, uncertain and matter to them. She even reassured me that it seems like I will get in (reassuring me is the opposite of ERP, and getting accepted isn't my fear, im actually pretty confident about it.. but im not confident about starting the application or asking for recommendations). She asked me if Ive done things uncomfortable things before and asked me how it went.. She also started to ask me more about practical things, like when do I want them to finish their recommendations.. (which i am capable of figuring out myself). She then said my exposure is to write an email to the reccomendator and send it.. WELL YEAH IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULDVE DONE IT BY NOW.. LIKE HELLO I ALREADY KNOW THIS, THINKING AGOUT THIS RATIONALLY ISNT HELPING, AND ISNT ERP ABOUT SITTING WITH UNCERTAINTY?

(18 or older pls <3 no advice needed nor am I in pure distress, just here to journal and vent) I can't really tell how love or sexuality feels like anymore honestly,, I mean.. right now I just had a hormonal moment like usual and and honestly I felt dirty. I have many thoughts just hit in me, and I want to talk about it. (+ I also just had a contamination trigger due to fears and taboo stuff but I won't seek reassurance. This is irrelevant to the post.) This just brings me back to my younger years,, and trauma with my middleschool coherced relationship, and even to my elementary online days. It just feels unhealthy, and overall the feeling of love itself just feels unnatural. I remember.. when I was 14, 13, around those ages I also had really dark thoughts and only sex was on my mind 24/7. I would objectify myself like crazy and it didn't help that my middleschool partner's mom talked about pregnancy plans and grown up stuff. I still have many self-degrading thoughts regarding sexual feelings, but I think it's hypersexuality, I don't like it.. I can't tell though. I tell myself that I'm asexual/aromantic/demi who knows but it feels suchhh a lie. I've been a daydreamer about romantic stuff all my life, but realistically it feels wrong. : ( I do have my fictional worlds though, and honestly it makes me really happy so I guess it doesn't really matter, haha. I'm not secure of myself either, I'm still very mentally not great, and just overall I'm still really degrading of my ownself. Real Event OCD doesn't help as it paints me as iredeemable. I feel really alienated,, I don't know. --- Am I even pretty enough to date? Mmm, maybe. I just think I need to love myself more. I never stood on a clear side on whether I was an ugly or pretty girl growing up either... I've had moments where people thought I was ugly. I remember being called a creature once, told I looked like a boy (due to hairyness + being Mexican), said I looked trans which lead a whole gender crises in Elementary/6th grade then causing a massive Gender OCD journey later on, etc. Then I was told I looked stunning, beautiful, been crushed on. As said many times before, I was coherced into the middleschool relationship due to obsession against me, was borderline fetishized on being Latina which I think is why I'm so obsessed with my ancestry + morphed appearance OCD, + etc many real events with other people as well... many things just piled in my head. But it is a massive lie if I said I wasn't sexualized or fantasized back then. And now people just see me as an awkward girl again. I don't know,, that's my conclusions. I can't really rely on others with this since I can't be forced to date or fix my feelings with these topics, self-love takes action on my own and it takes time. I guess I'm just scared hahaha. I don't like it, and I wish I just could feel normal but I can't, and that's okay. I'm just traumatized. Hopefully in the future I'll heal. 💜

why do I feel like the bad thing I’m dreading will happen if I stop thinking about it

I’ve been struggling with relationship OCD, my Sexual Orientation ocd went away and I’m starting to feel my self more but and lately it’s been difficult to understand and cope with my feelings. I care deeply about my boyfriend. We’ve been together for about three years, and I love the bond we’ve built, the way we can be silly and weird together, his cute smile and adorable laugh, and the comfort I’ve felt being around him. I miss him when we can’t talk or spend time together, and I want us to keep growing together. I’ve pictured a future with him, and I want more closeness, affection, cuddling, kissing, and meaningful conversations. At the same time, my OCD makes me question my feelings. Sometimes I feel close and affectionate toward him, and other times he feels unfamiliar or my emotions seem distant. When that happens, I start trying to figure out what it means. I replay situations in my head, examine my reactions, and try to make myself feel something specific. The more I check, the more confused and overwhelmed I can become .I also have real relationship needs that me and him had talked about . Lately, I’ve been having thoughts about breaking up with him. Sometimes the thought comes with a heavy, sad feeling, and other times it feels strangely convincing, almost as if I’ve already decided to end the relationship. I can imagine breaking up and feel sadness about it, but then the feeling changes or fades, and I start questioning what that means.Sometimes I see my boyfriend and feel close to him, affectionate, or tender toward him. Other times, he feels unfamiliar, or I feel disconnected from my emotions. I might remember how much I miss him, want to be close to him, or imagine our future together, but then I start checking whether those feelings are still there.I’ve noticed that I sometimes replay scenarios in my head, imagine breaking up, or repeat thoughts like “fine, I’ll just break up” to see how I react. I pay attention to whether the thought feels real, whether I feel sad and I’ll start panicking , or the sad truth i whether my emotions seem genuine. Sometimes the scenarios feel so vivid that I become convinced they must mean something. Then I get scared and try to figure everything out. I also struggle with the feeling that I need to defend my relationship or prove that I love my boyfriend. If I don’t feel a strong reaction or can’t access my usual emotions, I start wondering whether that means something has changed. Even when I get temporary relief from understanding something, I can end up analyzing that relief, too.