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the NOCD Community

There was a post about pedophilia OCD recently that understandably upset many community members. Let's use this as an opportunity to educate ourselves. First, I'm going to talk about intrusive thoughts in general, and then POCD specifically. I'll end with some links with more detailed information. To ensure that the conflict on the board fizzles out instead of this post fueling the flames, commenting on this post will be turned off. Let’s talk intrusive thoughts for a minute... a big misconception is that people with ocd are likely to act on an intrusive thought, like having sex with a child, harming themselves, or running over a pedestrian. If the thought is OCD though, they are less likely to do that thing compared to anyone else. The two people in my drawing could have a dream with the exact same plot, a clown coming to their birthday party, but for one person it is a nightmare and another it is a fantasy. And we have no problem telling the difference because their emotional responses are totally different. People with intrusive thoughts as part of OCD experience them like nightmares that they hate and want to get rid of at all costs, not fantasies that give them pleasure to think about. In pedophilia OCD, a person has unwanted, upsetting thoughts about sexual interactions with children. These are like nightmares. For a someone with actual pedophilia, thoughts about sex with children are fantasies. People with pocd engage in compulsions, avoidance, and reassurance seeking in response to their obsessions that interferes with their functioning. Recover from POCD is possible. Exposure and Response Prevention is still the gold standard treatment. The aim of therapy is not to get rid of thoughts, it's to reduce the negative emotional response to them and to improve functioning by reducing compulsions, avoidance, and reassurance seeking. Note: reducing emotional discomfort does not mean making the thoughts enjoyable. It means making them boring- neither pleasant or unpleasant. Here is a link to a longer article about POCD: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/am-i-a-monster-an-overview-of-common-features-typical-course-shame-and-treatment-of-pedophilia-ocd-pocd/ And a link to a video about POCD by NOCD advocate Chrissie Hodges: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cDCn93bP8ks

I’m tripping bc I was having intrusive thoughts about my sexual orientation again just popping up and taunting me , I was going to grab my charger and I remember an intrusive thought popping up but also a thought about loving my boyfriend passing then my mind said “ew no” Like really loud I even made a face, then I was panicking and was perplexed , because I’m certain that was for the intrusive thought and not for that, I would never say ew to him, he’s my boyfriend & he makes me happy. But ofc that feeds the intrusive thoughts perfectly and now I’m sitting here just crying because that’s just unfair ofc my mind is here doubting which was it for, “why would you say that if you’re attracted to him” but I remember there being an intrusive while I was grabbing my charger I’m sure I reacted to that and my mind is here taunting me calling that “proof” and it just makes me cry because I love my boyfriend so much, I’m attracted to men I’m straight and I’ve always been, and I don’t want this making me feel like I’m being someone I’m Not with him or that I fake love him because that’s not the case, plus this has always been who I am, I miss him more than ever because of this quarantine and I was crying so much when that happened I’m just like why why then ? I just know there was an intrusive thought in play... what do I do? ? I am almost certain it had to be because of the intrusive thought, I’ll usually shake my head whenever something incorrect passes my mind, there have been some slip ups that I’ve gotten over but this one I care about and is affecting me. Also please do not assume that I am gay because i can assure you that I’m not! These thoughts torture me and put me at my worst. I need help with coping with this and feeling better with myself and my relationship! Please

I’m struggling today. Everything’s coming at me all at once. My rocd peaked into my dreams again so I woke up anxious and then my hocd came in and now it’s like hocd is attaching to incest ocd?! Like what the hell is this?! I can’t stop connecting it to my mom and I want to vomit but at the same time it “turns me on” which makes me even more nauseous & she always moans which makes everything worse & makes me uncomfortable, this happened to the point where I was like why doesn’t it bother me about my dad or brother (my dad doesn’t live with us parents are divorced but my brother does) why my mom?? They’re both disgusting but just the fact that my moms female makes me even more nervous!! & it even brought my brothers gf into the picture as if I want her when I DONT. My mind is all over the place and whenever this happens my tocd comes into play also and I just want to cry. I can never catch a break. I hate my brain. I feel like I’m living a lie towards my boyfriend. I feel like I’m living a whole different life and it makes me feel guilty and shameful. I hate this.

What compulsions do people have that they need to stop?

Does anyone else make necklaces to mark a new beginning as a compulsion? I only realized this week that what I have is probably ocd. It's taken over my life and I'm exhausted and I've cut off all contact with friends and family and my thoughts and days are on a loop And I'm broke with no job and I want my LIFE back SO So So desperately. Daily I I 4, 6, 8 hours a day on whittling a button or rock into the perfect rose pendant, or melting a tiny piece of glass into the perfect heart pendant, (while I can say I have gotten pretty good at carving tiny things out of found material, and even though I make probably 2 ot 4 a day, I can't seem to hold onto any of them after I use them because I either lose them, throw the last one away at the start of a new one, or overwork them to death. I used to buy necklaces for this purpose and I spent way too much money on them because when the last one didnt work (which was every day or multiple times a day), the next one had to be more special, made with more valuable materials if it was going to work like the last one didnt. But as my ocd progressed and started taking up a disproportionate amount of my time....

To our POCD sufferers: You're welcome here. I'm so sorry if any of you saw that other incredibly ignorant post and were hurt by it. I'm not a mod but I know and have seen since I got here that you're heard and valued and totally welcome here. Your suffering is valid, you don't deserve any of the stigma you feel whatsoever, and you're not going to have to face that kind of treatment everywhere outside of OCD communities. They were a *particularly* ignorant person. You'll be able to share your stories over time with people you trust, anyone who loves you will put in the effort to understand, and in the meantime we are all here for you.

Ok so I saw this boy on Instagram he's 5 months younger then me we are both 15 and im getting anxious that I might turn into a pedophile just because he's 5 months younger then me now I'm absolutely terrified

I struggle with HOCD & ROCD. Growing up, I was crazy about guys! In fact, I always prioritized my crushes. Like I cared about my friends but I guess it’s the way movies portrayed love. I was crazy for my Prince Charming. Then... high school happened. First relationship & suddenly bam, HOCD hit me. It went away cuz I started getting busy but once I fell in love again, HOCD & ROCD came back. Anyway, part of growing I guess I am realizing value of different relationships but... now I feel like I don’t know different forms of love. Only understand romantic because that’s what I valued before so caring for someone else besides my boyfriend like friends of stranger feels weird... more like I don’t know love in other way I guess besides romantic. As if other relations were just there... now I feel like I am caring deeper for others and I am not used to it. Idk how to explain but I wanna see if someone else has gone through similar experience.

constantly asking myself if i really have ocd, or if it’s denial. but at this point, it doesn’t matter. my guilt will just consume me anyway, no matter what it is. shame will take its place, the intrusive thoughts will linger. i believe time heals. but time cant heal shame. what if i’ve really become what i’m most scared to be? what if i always was? the guilt from the past will always bring back the same thought: “you are a monster. look what you’ve done. you’re in denial. it’s not ocd. why do you even apart of the community. you’re fake. denial. denial. denial.” i await the day pure happiness comes. the day i wake up and feel alive. the day i forgive myself for everything. the day i realize who i am. i pray i am not what i fear. though, i live with the uncertainty. this era in my life, if i ever overcome it, will always be remembered. it hurts to think about. one day having to share this horrible story. will i have to share why i felt the guilt? or will i keep it locked up forever? what will make me feel better? patience. praying for peace. let the day come.

What’s a good way to get your family (more) informed about OCD? My family knew I had some issues with anxiety but they were also aware I was struggling with intrusive obsessive suicidal thoughts. When I got diagnosed with OCD I told them and they weren’t sure how to take it. I mostly try to talk to my mom about it even more so since she’s a physician but she never really liked studying the psychological aspects of health back in school and she isn’t in that field now so it’s basically new to her. When I suspected I had OCD I was the one to do all the research in looking for a specialist in OCD on my own and didn’t official say anything until I was diagnosed. That’s when she was “like what? You never dealt with this. I think you’re just searching for something to grab into and say that’s what you have and that’s why you keep jumping from therapist to therapist. I don’t know how this would have shown up now unless you’re not telling me something” (insinuating that I took drugs or did bad happened to cause this mental breakdown etc.) I was surprised this came out especially since I knew it had to be more than anxiety due to having constant intrusive obsessive thoughts for months, and switched from my first therapist (who focused on mainly anxiety and depression) to my current one (who is an OCD specialist). I think she wasn’t sure what to think because this was someone close to her saying they were diagnosed with a mental illness for the first time. I have been able to have moments where we could talk about how I was doing, but it was done after I was at my limit and in tears. I still don’t think she gets it very well. My dad is a whole other thing. I’m pretty sure he has some sort of anxiety disorder of his own but he’s the type to never admit that or get help, just have those around him face his behaviors. But he loves us a lot and cares. But when I have been at my worst he never seems to see it and will just ask “you doing good? Yeah you’re doing good!” Then go off and do something. And when I mentioned my OCD diagnosis to him he said he thinks he might be “a little OCD” himself because he has to have certain things in order and be neat. My brother is the type to pretend nothing is going on. I’ll be having a meltdown in my head and he’s just vibing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing because him continuing to live as if everything is normal and fine helps me to chill out. But when I do talk to him about it he gets a little quiet and just listens. I get nervous then about scaring him or that he’ll think he has an unstable sister. I would just like to inform them that HEY I have OCD. I’m not making this up. I’m not doing this for attention because why would I want to live in mental torment for attention. Here’s some info on what OCD is, etc. I know we shouldn’t define ourselves by our disorders, but it is a big thing in my life so I want to be informed and have my family/support system at least get more knowledge so they know how it is. That it doesn’t just go away over night. That when I mentioned having a hard day yesterday and you get frustrated asking “still today?” the next day that that’s a thing. Any thoughts/experience/anything?

Who struggles with feeling motivated/positive desire for the future? I have wanted to be a lawyer since I was a young teenager, but my mental health took so many dips in the last years of school I didn't achieve grades that reflected my true potential. I've been floating about directionless, fighting in my mind constantly with my thoughts for about 4 years. I decided I'd enrol in an online home school programme to get the qualifications I need to go pursue my goals. But I'm struggling to find that fire inside me to achieve anything, I feel first of all that there is no way in hell I will be able to achieve this goal. It's so upsetting, I have the academic ability and if I work on it I know I can, but my focus is always wavering and combined with a lack of self esteem, it's a struggle. I am falling behind with my courses I've enrolled in and I want nothing more than to achieve the dreams I had for myself. To make myself and my parents proud of me.

Currently worried that I purposefully put cups of laundry detergent over my dried clothes. I really don't know if I did or not. My anxiety is super high right now. I really want to go back and rinse them, but I'm trying not to. It's been a few hours though and my anxiety is staying at a 8/10. This really sucks. My body is super stressed out.

I can’t tell the difference between an intrusive thought and my own opinion anymore.

Have I said something wrong in terms of my post as it has been deleted. Didn’t mean to

I’m trying so hard today not to seek reassuring, every time I have an intrusive thought, I tell myself “it’s not me, it’s ocd” - but ocd is very sneaky, it “tells” me “well this time is probably the time that you did do something” - but I’m gonna keep trying.

Before Hocd i masturbated to girls twerking. I didn’t want to do anything with the girl, it just turned me on often as Id imagine doing it for a boy. What if this makes me a lesbian?

Can someone with hocd talk?:(((

I feel so isolated This is a really long post but I just need to get it off my chest : Idk how long I’ve really had OCD but I know that it’s probably partially trauma based. This makes things really complicated and Idk how to cope. My current issue: I’ve dealt with compulsive masturbation for as long as I can remember, I would do it until I hurt myself or in the middle of class when I was a kid and all that stuff. I also picked up a pornography addiction at around 9 and began looking at pornography for hours a day . Over time this developed into a really complicated ritual that is so strong that I can’t seem to get rid of it. Now, my ritual takes anywhere from 1-3 hours to complete and includes cutting on my genitals and inserting sharp objects into myself. I eventually worked up the courage to tell my therapist and I ended up seeing a gyno who told me that I was in serious danger of giving myself a fistula between my bladder and my vagina Bc there was a huge gash. Obviously this scared the shit out of me but it didn’t stop me from continuing. Over the last couple of months even though I’ve been addressing it with my therapist and I’m even planning on speaking to a specialist for trauma this Wednesday the compulsion is getting worse. I count the cuts every time I do it and have specific rules and I’ve reached the point where I will make HUNDREDS of cuts each time on my genital region. The amount of self hatred I feel is so fucking overwhelming I feel so disgusting. I feel like I can’t stop myself and I just feel completely evil. Like there must be something deeply wrong with me for me to do this. And for so long. I feel like I must’ve been such a fucking predator for being obsessed with masturbation in fucking first grade. I keep throwing away my tools and trying to avoid this compulsion but I keep failing. Today I sorta did my ritual but then I just punched myself repeatedly instead of cutting. Crisis hotline don’t seem to help me and idk how I’m going to make it through this quarantine. Does anyone have anything even remotely similar to what I’m describing? I feel like a complete freak.

My dad keeps telling me enjoy the now. I say What if I'm gay or I'm gay and he says so what, why does that matter? I say it makes me feel like I have to do something about it right now like end my relationship (that I'm happy in). Then he says it's not important to do anything right now, there are important things you have to do today and they're enjoyable so do those. Logically this makes sense to me, but it's really hard. Really, really hard. Anyone have any coping mechanisms for people with Autism and OCD? I get overwhelmed very easily and it can get out of hand very quickly if I spend time focusing on my obsessions.

After finding out about Suicidal OCD, I thought that from this point onwards, that things would slowly start getting better. However, I feel like things are only getting worse. I am ruminating almost 24/7 with extreme anxiety and constantly crying. I’ve even started to suspect that what I’m going through isn’t suicidal OCD but rather a syndrome that is related to depression and suicide and comes from taking a specific pill called Finasteride that I had taken before. I feel like I am living in complete terror and that I don’t trust myself at all. It’s like I’m going to do it and I really need hospitalization before it’s too late. I can’t tell if what I’m experiencing is like the rest of the people here but I want to know if anyone else here is feeling traumatized, not being able to do ANYTHING all day and suffering so much from the pain, anxiety, and depression and feel this complete certainty that they’re going to do something to themselves. I truly think I’m going crazy and that I’m in an actual dangerous state. I do not move from my bed at all tbe entire day and I barely eat a single meal. Something is telling me that I want to die and that is causing me so much fear. I really think I need help before it’s too late because I’m quite sure this is not normal.