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Real event themes mixed with pocd bothering me and I wanna confess every time but I’m just like. I’m upset. With my life. This post doesn’t even make sense I’m just anxious and I really hate myself rn and I’m really scared.

Does anyone get the thought of what if I never recover while you are doing really good in recovery??can’t just be me

I have always had crushes on girls and felt a strong romantic attraction for them. Before HOCD, i remember feeling like i was on cloud 9 anytime a girl told me she liked me and I would always fantasize about girls in class. When i began to masturbate, I found myself more consistently masturbating to gay porn, almost always. I would still get aroused by girls at school and flirting with girls came easy to me, i truly enjoyed it so much. I can be aroused by straight porn or women models, but anytime gay porn comes into the picture i feel like i am going to cum faster. I never really thought much about what it meant, till HOCD came. Now, I have lost my attraction to women but the feeling gay porn gives me is still there. If i were to be bisexual i wouldn’t care, because I would still be able to have girlfriends and have that emotional and sexual connection to women. unfortunate HOCD has taken all this away from me, and i fear more and more that my attraction to women was false and caused by social conditioning. can anyone relate?

TW - s*lf-h*rm Alongside my OCD, I've also struggled with depression and anxiety over the years - I used to have a lot of panic attacks in school that slowly developed into more severe pseudo-seizures. In response to my depression or anxiety or both I turned to self-harm and, a few years later, I have about 300 scars across both of my forearms (which have been clear for about 18 months) and probably nearly 100 more recent ones on my stomach. As I worked through my depression and general anxiety with therapy and medication I gradually stopped turning to self-harm as a coping mechanism for those because I developed more positive coping techniques and realised that self-harm didn't actually improve my mood when I was depressed or anxious and that there were more positive distraction techniques instead. However, my OCD is now making staying clean from c*tting impossible. It's always played a big part in my self-harm - I have to cut a "good" number of times before I'm allowed to stop; most of the time this is 10 times, but if it's on half of my body I have to cut more on the other side so it's symmetrical. I'll also have to cut "deep enough" that my brain feels "right" - if there isn't enough blood I have to go over the same wound again because I can't leave one not looking "right". I know how absolutely screwed up that sounds but knowing things logically doesn't shut my brain up at all. As well as this, I'll have intrusive thoughts and obsess about cutting until I do it. Most of the time this is at night, and if that thought crosses my mind it's so so difficult to go to bed without doing it because it's all I'll think about - this voice in my head just telling me over and over that I need to cut myself. Sometimes it will serve as a compulsion in the sense of, "If I cut myself now then my friends will stay safe" or "Mum's going to die if you don't cut yourself". I'm so terrified of these outcomes that I'll do anything to stop them from happening - however illogical it seems. The fact that it's so difficult for me to stay clean from self-harm makes me worry that I'm addicted to it and I really don't know what to do.

I struggle with fears that I may have significantly harmed someone in my past. I realize that while that may be true, I’m also harming myself right now by compulsing, and ultimately I have to learn to love myself enough to forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and move on. Has anyone struggled with something similar and how did you get to the point where you forgive yourself for possible indiscretions?

I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.

I feel like my suicidal/existential OCD seems to latch onto almost anything at this point. If, for a moment, I feel any sort of happiness, I feel like it is all pointless and that everything is just meaningless and that just turns that happy moment around for me completely into sadness and hopelessness. I’m so exhausted of having to go through the feeling of hopelessness almost 24/7. The things that usually upset me or the big problems I have in my life are 100 times worse and even feel like a trigger for the Suicidal OCD to hit hard and when it does, it truly convinces me that I’m capable of doing such a thing and that’s what makes everything much worse. Even while writing all of this down now, I’m trying to make sure I don’t leave anything out so that I would know if my case is unique compared to everbody else. I’ve also been feeling the need to give attention to my thoughts because if I don’t, then I’ll be in great danger and nobody will be able to save me if anything happens. Recently, I have also started taking the religious approach to this and the question I can’t seem to get out of my head is why me? Why would God ever put me in this situation if he even forbids the idea of harm itself. It just doesn’t make sense to me because I know that I’m trying my best everyday. I have lost interest in doing things and I even get scared of doing them because I know that there is a great chance the thoughts will hit me hard and that I need to give my attention to them otherwise I’ll be in great danger. In my hardest times, I usually see other people’s posts here to connect and know that I’m not alone in this because I always feel like I’m going insane and that this will be the end of me. I totally understand and despite not knowing them, am proud of anybody going through OCD or any other mental disorder because it takes so much effort and strength to keep fighting and going through this.

I already know no one is gonna relate to this but i need to get it off my chest and it’s gonna be a long one.I had this bladder issue where i felt like i had to pee literally all the time like even when i was in the shower and i felt like i would literally pee myself in the time that i went from the shower to my room to change into clothes. I’m pretty sure it was just a mental thing because i psyched myself out thinking that i had to pee so i just always had the feeling that i did. My mind wouldn’t allow me to differentiate if it was water from getting out of the shower or if i had peed and i just didn’t know and i couldn’t deal with the uncertainty. the only way that made me feel secure getting out of the shower would be to put a shirt or some sort of cloth in between my legs on my private area to absorb anything just incase and overtime that just became what i now know is a compulsion that literally went on for years. luckily about 9 months ago i got to see that by literally one day getting out of the shower and realizing that my mind was just telling me i had to pee/giving me that sensation or that i would pee myself but i was actually fine. What i feel guilty about is that i would use any cloth that i could find usually my clothing but since i did this every time i showered i eventually ran out of things to use till i did laundry or something. That resulted in me using a like a pillowcase or something or shirt that i borrowed from a friend or my sister. I feel so guilty about this because although i did wash everything it just bothers me that i used something that belonged to someone else or something someone else would use. sorry i feel like i need to go into detail to get this off my chest but because i would be coming out of the shower whatever thing i used would sometimes end up completely wet and i would just throw it into my laundry bin and because i was kind of depressed at the time i didn’t end up doing my laundry for a realllly long time i just allowed it to pile up so now i’m just thinking that i allowed bacteria to just grow because the clothes were just wet sitting there. i literately could’ve just used a paper towel instead or ANYTHING ELSE other than their clothes. Of course when i gave the shirt back or if me or a family member used the item it was then clean but now i feel guilty that i did that. Like i know my sister still has the shirts that i used and it just bothers me she doesn’t know it’s backstory i guess even though they are now clean it doesn’t sit right with me that i ever did that. I feel like at the time i was just doing what i felt like i had to do because i really didn’t know what was wrong with me and i was going through it all by myself like i did t talk about anything with anyone so i just came up with these solutions and i just really didn’t know what to do. But stil literally wtf because at the time it made sense because i felt like i had no other choice but looking back now i could’ve handled the situation completely different and it’s so upsetting. I know this is such an odd situation but i’ve always kept this to myself for that specific reason but my guilt has been eating away at me because up until recently i didn’t know i had ocd so i didn’t understand what that even was or what compulsions even were so now every odd thing i’ve ever done is all hitting me at once. I hope you guys don’t think i’m crazy. I managed to throw away most of the clothes that i used because honestly it just reminds me of a time that i don’t want to remember and it made me uncomfortable to wear so imagine how those who still have the clothes i used would feel. I feel like i have so many odd situations like this that i’ve done in the past that i no longer do but it’s just eating away at me cause i’m disgusted i ever did those things. It feels like i’m lying to people about who i am even though that’s not me anymore or that people only like me now because if they knew about all the weird things i had done they would be so thrown off. I know i should’ve opened up to someone originally when things started but i didn’t think my bladder issues were normal honestly i thought i was just going crazy and was the only person going through that so i took it upon myself to figure out temporary solutions. I know at heart i’m not a bad person but things i’ve done just make it so hard to move on and even talking about this is hard because it’s something i’ve always handled myself. I feel like because i didn’t know it was ocd i believed every compulsion was genuinely the right thing to do because i didn’t have anyone to put me in check and tell me not to do it.

I am looking for ways to beat my OCD when I need to remain highly focused. My OCD flares when something is highly important and requires seriousness and focus. However, my OCD is very quiet when I do something that I am fully invested in and am actively enjoying - some people call this being in the zone. However, whenever I need to do something that requires immediate and constant focus such as listening to a class, writing an exam or studying... my ocd gets loud. This usually leads to avoidance and procrastination... any advice, suggestions or help on identifying the mechanisms at play here and how to overcome would be GREATLY appreciated. ERP is great but I find I can miss information when I’m trying to do ERP AND trying to focus on a lecturer, simultaneously, for example... there’s gotta be a way...

This is a long post... Okay so, I’ve suffered from intrusive thoughts for the majority of my life. When I was younger I kept thinking the house was going to be on fire or I feared no one liked me so I had to keep getting reassurance from my friends that they liked me. The past few years I’ve had intrusive thoughts telling me that I don’t like this group who I know I’m in love with, I love their music and love their videos, yet my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I don’t really have physical compulsions, but I have mental compulsions of avoidance and I avoided the thoughts for so long up until recently. I’ve learned the past couple of weeks that I need to accept the thoughts which I’ve been trying to do even though it has been hard. Today I’m finding really difficult because my mind wants me to keep avoiding the thoughts no matter how hard I try. It’s so upsetting. It may seem silly and I feel ridiculous because people have worse thoughts than I do, but these thoughts are taking over my life. It’s so frustrating because I just wanna be able to enjoy listening to the group’s music and watching their videos without getting these thoughts. It sounds silly but it’s so upsetting for me because I know I love them, but my thoughts try to convince me otherwise. I keep fearing that I’m doing the wrong thing. I also keep getting thoughts that I won’t get better and I’ll never be able to enjoy my group. It’s awful. I feel so mentally exhausted. I am learning to not avoid the thoughts and not avoid listening to their music or watching their videos, but today I’m just finding it so hard. It’s hard to resist my mental compulsions. I just feel like I’ll never get better. I just wanna cry. I keep wanting to avoid my exposures because I feel so upset even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m feeling so awful today, my head hurts so much.

I call this my `1234 Method` and it works. It's an easy to use anywhere and practical CBT method. The great thing is that it is easy to remember, simple and when followed properly creates a virtuous upward circle where good things start to happen in addition to relieving OCD symptoms ... Understand and apply this rule to your daily life : You only ever consciously experience four sequential stages in your life... 1) Thoughts and Events stage. You have minimal to no control over the thoughts that pop into your head. Likewise you have minimal to no control over external physical events that happen. Thoughts can be images or ideas. Events I refer to here consist in the vast majority of occurrences you find yourself in without actively planning to to be involved in in the first place. At this point it is important to practice `ACCEPTANCE` that you have minimal to no control. This relieves pressure unduly created in one`s mind that you are hyperesponsible for what is happening and what the end result should be. *Note that I will mention in stage 3 and 4 action that should be taken in regards to thoughts and events... Please read stage 2 beforehand. 2) Reaction to Thoughts and Events stage. Following stage 1, you will have an emotive reaction to both these thoughts and events. Everyone lies on a spectrum of emotive reaction. If you suffer from OCD it is likely that you exist on the extreme sensitivity mark where you have a catastrophic emotional reaction to these thoughts and events. Again it is important to understand and ACCEPT you have no control over this. Do not try to control stage 1 or stage 2, only come to clarity that you must accept these awful feelings. Remember this reaction is not normal and has the influential potential to be totally destructive and detrimental to your life if you let it influence the choice you are faced with in the next stage, stage 3. 3) Choice of Behaviour stage. This is the crucial part where you can and will alter your brain chemistry and neural connections in stage 4 for the better. As mentioned earlier you will also enter the virtuous upward and NOT viscous downward spiral. Remember how influential your emotional reactions are in determining your behaviour. You must, regardless of what your emotive reactions tell you to do, choose the following thought and choice process...I am going to BEHAVE in an activity that is beneficial, logical and practical for the physical and mental well-being for myself and others around me. 4) Do the behaviour you have chosen using the above stage statement. Doing this behaviour will start to influence stage 2 and start to drag you back down on the reaction spectrum considerably. This is where behaviour directly modifies the faulty brain chemistry and connections that generate this ridiculous false feeling of dread and fear negatively influencing you to choose the WRONG behaviour . To sum up: 1). Thoughts and Events = No Control = Acceptance 2). Reaction to Thoughts and Events = No Control = Acceptance 3). Choice of Behaviour = You Have Control = Think to yourself always..."What is the most beneficial, practical and logical behaviour that is best for my physical and mental well-being and for others ` physical and mental well-being." 4). Do it. Remember everyone that this is an ILLNESS and nothing more. Always remember in line with the above stages that you are ill and you are the best person to look after yourself. You all deserve happiness no matter you think you have done. Life is cruel but it's beautiful too. Focus on the beauty. You are all beautiful and life is messy...Accept it's messiness and do the best you can. Will H.

Hey everyone! As you all know, hocd goes through phases with a variety of different symptoms. Currently, I'm in the "I am bored" phase where I don't feel like I care anymore and I feel unbothered. However, I still get intrusive thoughts and sometimes anxiety attacks. Here's a link that will hopefully support you: https://www.scribd.com/doc/215149439/HOCD-What-It-is-and-What-to-Do-About-It

I recently had another relapse with my HOCD. It’s tiring and really hard to manage on a day to day basis, and sometimes I feel like giving in to get it to end, but even then will things keep getting worse. I miss being gay, and now calling myself gay doesn’t even sound right, it doesn’t sound the way it did before this problem resurfaced. I feel like identifying as what this disorder wants me to identify as is easier than what I want and what I feel and that causes severe distress and anxiety. I feel like it’s only getting worse and I just want things to get better. Some days you feel like you’re recovering and about a day or two later it hits you again with full force and you feel like giving up again, like giving up is the only option you have. Will things ever get better? Will my life ever be normal? Will I ever be able to say “hey, I’m gay and I’m proud!” without questioning if I’m actually gay? I’m tired of crying every day and every night because of this fight. I’m tired of battling my mind and my thoughts every day telling me one thing when my heart wants something else. What am I supposed to do? Nothing’s working, nothing’s helping, and I can’t keep crying, thinking the only way out is suicide. The only things keeping me alive right now are my passions and my goals, knowing that I’ve worked so hard for everything that I have and everything to come, and I don’t even know if those are strong enough anymore. I’ve won the battles, but how long is the war?

Unpopular opinion: being active on OCD forums (such as this) delays your healing progress and affects your anxiety levels in a negative way. Could also lead to a tendency of reassurance seeking. I want to hear your thoughts on this, because I am notincing my anxiety going up the more I read posts and try to help ?

I would love to take psychedelics. I'm sincere. But I'm frightened by the consequences that it may have on my ocd.

I’m unsure how to move on from this particular symptom. I exhibit no warning signs of being dangerous, no history of this behaviour, or having joy and intention to do something sexually inappropriate, but I just have this feeling that I could want to even though I feel so anxious and scared. I’m worried that maybe developing POCD awakened some repressed urge in me to hurt people and it’s just not how I see myself. I don’t WANT to want this, if you know what I mean. This post is scary to make, but I would just like to know if this is normal, I’m worried treatment won’t work for me because I really feel I could be a bad person who does bad things.

tw: eating disorders, trichotillomania, fatphobia my best friend triggers me easily like it's more about my eating disorder than about ocd but she's so beautiful and y'all know she's trying to make jokes about herself but they are very triggering like 2 days ago we were watching a movie and there was a girl who was fat and my friend said "ugh I'm so glad I could take control over my eating habits so I don't look like her" and I'm like WTFFFFF it hurts so much cause I see myself having a big body and her words hurt me so much also she makes jokes about calories food and exercising and it triggers me so much and stressing makes me pull ouout my hear idk she's just a little selfish when it comes to her?? she usually pushes other people down for their voice or their drawing/singing skills and I hate it but she doesn't say it to themselves, just shares with me and I don't support her in this case I'm just like "hmmm okay" I love her and she supports me but I can't ask her to stop cause she wants to talk with me about things which bother her and it's okay I'm just too sensitive??? idk

I was at work and my mind just randomly thought I said something and I was like okay maybe then I had an idea of what I may of said which is something positive I always say, every single day I say “I’m a queen” to uplift my spirit and confidence. It’s a way of reassurance for me. So I was like okay I think I remember saying that, if anything, which is fine ofc, then my mind says “what if you said queer” and I was at work I was doing a few things at once, I whispered it ofc but I was like no I wouldn’t and would never say that. This topic has brought me so much pain and I’ve fought it COUNTLESS times before and always will upset me because I’ve always liked boys I’ve been with my boyfriend whom I love very much for a year and a half, my mind always will try to twist and trick my mind and it makes me angry because I know I would never say that after all the hurt these stupid thoughts have brought me. Also I was calm which made me believe I said queen, I sounded out “queen” and “queer” and I say them completely different, and I literally say “I’m a queen” multiple times a day, every day, so there is way more likelihood that I said that in my opinion, I was calm after and then I was like “wait did I said something” and then my mind began overanalyzing, I am trying to stick my ground and I hate not being able to go back and time and know for sure. What I’m sure of his I love my boyfriend so much and I’m not EVER changing ever because of these stupid thoughts. But help!!! What can I do?

I figured out that I have been triggered by a movie and my relationship issues. I’m scared I’m relapsing into this horrible pit of dispair. What does one do when they relapse? How can I feel safe? I don’t feel safe even in my own home sometimes :(

I'm scared I have melanoma because of a swollen lymph node in my upper thigh. It's a bit bruised, too, so it's freaking me out. I'm 18, and my grandmother died of skin cancer, so I'm a bit paranoid now. I want to bring this up to my derm when I see her for my acne but I dont want to make a fool of myself by being overly cautious and changing the subject from my face to something else.