Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I'm ruining my relationship. My boyfriend and i were not having talk about my thoughts because he thinks it's a compulsion so he tried to stop them but not telling anyone my thoughts made me feel numb and empty from inside. But i told him yesterday that we are not talking about this and this is making me feel like this. We had a discussion but he said if i want to leave i should let him know and not let his life hanging. But this is not what i want. i want him. I don't know why he told so. He tells me you cannot stay positive for a day what to expect from you. I always did 100% for my relationship,I'm not able to do now. It's not easy for me. I know i want him but idk why I'm afraid to love him. Why ocd attacked my relationship. I've never wanted anyone else other than him. My thoughts tell me that i want someone else but i really don't want it. I want a life with my bf but I'm scared if i want it or not. I never wanted to hurt him. My only fear is because I'm not feeling this way and if i chose him i would never make him happy and ruin his life. He loves me so much. He motivates me but i don't listen to him. I cried yesterday so much. He hates when i cry. He tells if it would make everything alright i would also cry. What do i do so that my relationship becomes good like before. I want everything to get right but I'm afraid if i want it or not. I only have him who understands me and loves me. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what trauma I've which led to ROCD but i literally don't want to lose him. I want to marry him. My thoughts tell me I've never loved him because i don't have the will power to face my fears. Please help me. I don't want to leave him. My thoughts are telling me i want to leave but i don't. I am really hopeless now because he said to tell if i want to leave. I only knew he understands me but i feel like he is also doubting me but also this is not so. He even told after that don't fight with your thoughts just love me. I don't like it when you cry. Why cannot i see this. He is a very good man. I've always wanted him. Why am i doubting myself and scared to live him. I really want to get better now. I cannot handle this. I'm just crying while writing this. My relationship was going so good. I destroyed everything. I just want this relationship to work. I don't want anything else. Please help me.

Anyone with real event OCD that just can’t get out of it? It seems as if it grabs onto something different every single time and it’s just a never ending cycle of worrying. So draining.

My only task at the moment is to write an essay for my university course. A never ending cycle of rewriting, rethinking, restarting. I desperately want to work through the noise and finish. Any tips from fellow students would be most appreciated.

One day I’m fine, and then the next I get hopeless with suicidal thoughts. This pandemic is really causing me some cabin fever!! The same routine everyday. No car in the suburbs just relying on my moms car when it’s available. Working from home in my bed because the other rooms in the townhouse are loud. What a depressing life.

Hello everyone. Happy to be here. I suffer from GAD and possibly pure OCD. Lately I can't seem to get over the fact I snooped through my partner's stuff when we first started dating and read something I shouldn't have. It happened years ago and for years I never even thought of doing that. I went through therapy for similar but also unrelated issues and started feeling more confident in myself. I am a good partner now. But the pandemic is getting the best of me. Something triggered me the other week and now the guilt has been consuming me for some reason.it is far from being the only thing from my distant past that I feel guilty about. I decided I won't try and rationalize it anymore. I did a shitty thing. And damn right I wont do it again. Also just felt like telling someone.

Has anyone ever had an OCD spike/compulsion that caused so much anxiety that virtually all other spikes experienced that same day pale in comparison? So much that when those other less important spikes occur you don’t even feel the need to perform the normally occurring corresponding compulsions that accompany them.

No pressure to answer but what countries does everyone come from?

Will this program get rid of my thoughts? Reducing anxiety and ocd isn’t enough for me. I need these thoughts to go away completely. Am I doomed?

Hello everyone. (tw: break-up) I’m new to this community and not officially diagnosed with ROCD. But, I’ve read the symptoms and signs and it’s like they have put into words what I’ve been struggling to understand with myself every time I am thinking or feeling those thoughts. Unfortunately, I found out about ROCD too late and broke up with my SO because I wanted the thoughts and anxiety to stop. I found out what ROCD is 3 days after the break-up and by then, he and I already agreed that we’ll work on ourselves first before we give it another shot. Now, I really want to get better. But my problem is that my triggers are connected to my SO. We aren’t talking as of the moment, so I don’t know how I will expose myself to my triggers if I’m currently not in a relationship. If anyone can help me, I would be forever grateful. By the way, I’m also not in the US so I can’t access the free therapy. Mental health is also stigmatized here, and my family doesn’t believe in mental health issues and I’m still dependent on them that’s why I can’t get professional help. Keep safe, everyone! 🌻💝

my existential ocd gets very detailed...usually when I haven't been existentially obsessed I would be good at making up things about life and death to comfort me like if friends casually talked about death and like cremation vs burial stuff I would always joke about oh I'm going to get frozen so that way I don't have to die and people would laugh and it would comfort me that I could pretend death isn't going to happen to me and now my existential ocd is back but normally I could come up with jokes or something to delude myself and be like you don't know if you're going to die Elon Musk could find the pill for immortality tomorrow and you live on Mars you don't know what will happen but I just can't comfort myself in that way anymore or right now even as a dumb joke because my brain keeps saying death is real its inescapable and it will come for you and if I let the thoughts run off on their own then I even start to imagine the day i will die not like what will happen but I just visualize myself on my death bed old and gasping for air and realizing that this is the end life is over and like how did I get here in the first place why are we born into this world to love our family and friends so much just to be deleted. It's like you are in this movie and as one of the characters you don't know it's a movie you dont know there will be end credits at any point you are just playing out the story, but I feel like one of the characters who realized the end credits are coming and there is nothing I can do about it and therefore it's hard to watch anything lately where my mind doesnt say yeah that actor is dead, or that actor will die, and so will I, and even animated movies with death I am avoiding which I know I should stop doing and expose myself more. But it doesn't even have to be shows about death if I see a show about a family and people who love each other my brain is like yeah they will all be dead one day and forgotten... In the future this show will be one of trillions of tv shows from my time that no one will watch and me and my time on this earth will be a blip on a huge never ending universal existence. And usually it's at night when I am alone that I get the most scared and it's really hard to be mindful and present and tell myself you aren't there yet stop going there.

I’m so afraid of getting cancer. I’ve been to the doctor so many times for false alarms, it’s starting to cost so much money. I hate this subtype of OCD. I’m hyper-focused on small pains in my body and I always make them out to be much more than they are. Literally the past few days I had a pressure headache and I was convinced it was brain cancer. This is ridiculous. I don’t know where to begin with ERP for this type of OCD. My compulsion is going to the doctor and that’s becoming a very expensive compulsion... My other compulsion is googling my symptoms, which always freaks me out cause every symptom means “cancer” according to google.

I THINK I REMEMBERED I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH A MALE FUCK MY LIFE LITERALLY I- do not want to live.

Experiencing cannibalism ocd thoughts, it made my mouth water or salivate and my stomach a sensation of "hunger" but it is just OCD trying to scare me Does anyone else having these thoughts?

My OCD's proof that I'm just a het/bi in denial that currently nags me; 1. I wanted to touch a guy's hair once or twice (two different ones) because it looked cool even though I found out later that they were both wigs 2. I once found a man typically good looking that had the features I usually do not like seeing 3. (This one has been killing me for months despite the EPR) I remember that when I saw that guy, my mind went to the mode of testing which is to see my reaction to of me having sex with him and i feel like I sorta was okay with it even though I remember I didn't want to be or something? And I also remember texting a friend and told her that I was distressed that I find him attractive but I sort of enjoyed it which literally has never happened before, and I sort of wanted him which feels SO WRONG to say and I HATE IT but maybe it was attraction... even though I can't find the texts even though I'm sure I didnt delete them. 4. I actually thought to myself about kissing him as well and I felt like I sort of wanted it because I was so affection deprived but also a lesbian wouldn't kiss a guy even if she was dead affection deprived so...means I'm not gay 5. There are other female bisexuals who have stated that they're attracted to men that could never be with them and they hate that they're attracted to men and would hate everything about it, which means that even though I could absolutely under any circumstance be with a man doesn't erase the possibility that I could be bi which FEELS wrong and it's stupid and irrational if I ever did like that man and ugh... 6. I love the guy. I could never have a life with him. I could never actually have sex with him. I don't want to be attracted to men. I don't hate them. It just doesn't feel like me. I want to cry. He's still good looking to me. I still love him. But am I attracted????????? I have no idea. OCD says yes just admit you're one of those bisexual women who hate that they're into men and therefore identify as lesbians, intuition says maybe, mind says I don't want to be, and just...fuck my life.

(Intro) Hey guys just some questions. Im new to this app. I been dealing with HOCD the third month of lockdown. I had intrusive thoughts of losing my mind, back to back panic/anxiety attacks etc. Im 22 i never had this problem at all nor did i question my sexuality. At a young age before during and after puberty i always wanted women, sexually and emotionally attracted to women... so why all of sudden i been having intrusive thoughts at 22 during the pandemic like that? (My STORY) you can skip this... and go to questions Never did drugs during highschool until around late 21 to 22, is when I smoked weed and drank alcohol. Was never addicted but forsure with weed I always became analytical of everything. Extremely paranoid couldn't even handle it. There was a time I was high with my cousin and I was scared and paranoid that i really had to force control myself from screaming for help to my parents. My reality was absolutely distorted I really didn't know what the hell was goin on. I could not control my visions/thoughts. I probably smoked about 20 to 30 times total... never really had good experiences with it. I was always trying to "dig deep" with myself see what's wrong with me or what went wrong at that time didn't really have intrusive thoughts. It was a mess theres more details but the point of this is... my conclusion is that most likely weed made me more anxious and question a lot especially the last time I smoked with my best friend.. we always made gay jokes but more so he did. Everything I say something, my friend would turn it into a gay joke so it never bothered me at all but when I was high and he said something "you snitched on yourself" i really questioned... does my friend think im gay? Before this my friend and I had some problems like some elephant in the room( not related to intrusive thoughts or ocd) I always had a problem with his sarcasm and usually I take it personal and i told him many times but i felt like i wasnt heard so i stopped bringing it up... but I always pissed about that .So there is tension and I felt he knew that there is a problem in the air and it was probably all in my head because I know my friend is a real friend and I'm grateful for him.. but when I was high with him and he brought up 13 reasons why and how this character was gay the whole time and he said..." it's crazy to think who someone really is when no one is around" made me think that he indicating something about me. Then when I was high again and he made gay jokes and all of sudden he says, " you snitched on yourself" it really threw me off and obviously I was under influence I questioned myself rapidly. (Background of story) before this ^^^ That is my bestfriend, i never had any problems or any thoughts always been close always hanging out... we worked together, I noticed he pulled a lot of girls. I remember in highschool we both pulled a lot of girls together we were that dynamic duo. But after highschool it seemed one sided and all the girls were giving him attention and i felt inferior and ugly... even girls were like disrespecting me or talking to me like a joke some did like me but still. I became kinda jealous. My friend always reject my ideas or always correct me, or always seem like he's always right and I'm wrong. I respect him a lot and I learn a lot from him but damn do I have some value myself? He is sarcastic too. Anyways i have a girlfriend as well.. i was extremely jealous and absolutely it was probably ROCD but not like most people. I would always check to see if she's looking at guys or check her phone to see anything suspicious, argue about her past and always observing her for the wrong. This died down after years, we always argued and fought about the same thing over and over to the point where I just didn't care anymore. I love her but it was always upsetting whenever I had good news she was always pessimistic about it, which made me not say much to her, we definitely different... so around last year another girl came around she was 4 years older than me and I thought she was really cute she smokes a lot as well we ended up smoking. I became really high like never before and I felt massive amounts of guilt because I shouldn't be here with this girl because I have a girlfriend. Then I call my bestfriend to pick me up from her( i don't care if it was embarrassing I needed to get out) so he comes and I was high and it looked like he was flirting with this girl I like and I started to get jealous and I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING OUTLOUD and I had to shutup because I was high. This girl honestly I liked her but it was wrong because I'm already dating but at the same time I was scared I might lose her to my friend.. which is obviously stupid. That's where that tension came from between my friend and I. There are more details but man I started getting HOCD and ruminating and I told him about it but I regret it because he took it the wrong way and our friendship has changed. My questions? How do I know if I have ROCD? Checking to see if my girl looking at guys, laughing at other jokes, seeking reassurance, checking her phone always? Has anyone recovered from HOCD ? Why does it feel real but when clearly it isnt ?

had an episode a few hours ago & my boyfriend held my hand and told me it was going to be alright while i cried. a guilt washed over me after that - i appreciate the love he shows but i’m so sorry to him seeing all of this. would anyone have any advice for this kind of shame ? sending flowers to everyone tonight 🌻🌼🌸💐

I struggle with like knowing what’s ocd and what isn’t. Like I think I’m fighting my ocd and I’m doing a good job not giving in, but there are some things where I’m like is this ocd or is this just me not being ocd. Also it’s hard for me when I mess up bc I want to be perfect & everytime I mess up on my ocd, I feel like I’m backtracking & stuck like this. But I’m still doing a lot better it’s just hard bc I know it never fully goes away I just want to get rid of it. But I’m better managing it it’s just tough.

So I have no attraction to woman and I still get uncomfy false attractions. But hey my attraction to men is back ! I also get a ton of anxiety whenever I think about relationships with either. But that doesn't matter. All I care about is the fact that my attraction is back.

My ocd has been bothering me about suicide it’s not a compulsion to do so but it’s bothering me about the fact that what if i am and i’m just bothered by it and don’t want to admit it. Deep down though I know i’m not and that I don’t want to. I’m just bothered by my lack of knowledge in it and with the question that arises as to is it possible to be suicidal and not want to be...any thoughts?

Everytime I hear about someone's death there's all these rituals and prayers I have to make before being able to move on with what I'm doing and sometimes it takes FOREVER. So I really hate that my dad feels the need to inform me of every person's death, and my mom's boyfriend has to tell me about every tragedy that occurs. It makes it so much harder to contribute to socialization when my brain is telling me to drop everything and start praying