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I can’t stop crying. My partner has been very distant. He just admitted he has pulled back because of how bad my ocd has gotten. I found out he was seeing his ex behind my back and has been lying to me to push me away because he can’t handle how bad it has gotten. I feel really sad. And I’m at a really low place. I feel like no one will love me because of the ocd. The one person I trusted and was vulnerable with just told me that my health condition is making him takes steps back from me. I’m extremely codependent on him because of the ocd. I feel so scared to be alone and battle this alone.

okay im a 28 year old woman and my best friend since i was 4 is gay and everytime im on the phone with him i feel like hes waiting for me to come out and i feel like im lying to him and i feel guilty lying to him and i feel bad for not coming out but then i go i honestly i dont know what i am ive been alone my whole life but ive never known if i want to date women or men i feel uncomfortable with the idea of being intimate with anyone i have had sexual fantasies all involving men but ive had gay dreams im not sure what i should sexually be i masturbate to fantasies about men but then i wonder am i doing that to prove im not gay? i have found some women attractive but ive always avoided looking at lesbian movies and porn in fear that it would confirm im a lesbian its like i get this loud voice in my head saying youre gay just be gay but im like thats based on nothing but i feel like a lot of people think im gay because ive never had a relationship or sex but i never kissed a woman or fallen in love with a woman but i do have a lot of women i wish i could be and i go am i confusing my wish to be them with a wish to sleep with them and im just so repressed? sometimes i think a girl is hot but i think that about guys too and everyone thought me and my best friend of 8 years were a lesbian couple even though she had a boyfriend and i wasnt attracted to her in that way but i did love her and my thoughts start going youve been in the closet for 28 years and waisted your whole life and then i get afraid that im going to be a story people tell about a lesbian who couldnt come out and decided to kill herself because i was too afraid to be gay and then i freak out because i dont want to die and if coming out would make me lose this obsession then i would do it but if i do it and im not gay thats embarrassing... i also have some scary intrusive thoughts so i go well if im actually gay then that means my pocd is real and not ocd but maybe im gay with pocd and existential ocd but the gay one is real ... how do i know?! why do i feel guilty when i dont even know... but ive also experienced some ptsd that gives me trust issues i dont know why im alone at 28 and im scared my thoughts just circle for all the reasons im broken and then i freak out am i asexual? am i bisexual? am i a lesbian? and if i dont find out soon who will take care of me when im old and on my death bed...? and if i dont find out soon i cant finally start my life and experience important milestones in life ... and when i tell my best friend about my 2 recent panic attacks i cant tell him all the reasons i have them and that makes me an actual liar and i feel bad ... i hate this and worst of all i feel like none of you will relate to me at all this is scary to post but here it goes .... please be kind 🙏

For one specific obsession & compulsion there seems to be so many different ways of doing ERP for it. It's excruciatingly difficult to know what the correct ERP would be & what I should be habituating to. 😞

I have POCD. I can admit it now. I am a female who has been suffering with predominantly groinal response from the age of 18, I’m now 23. At some point this was coupled with bad intrusive thought patterns where I wouldn’t want to say key words like rape, and the sheer fact I wanted to avoid that word would make the word rape go round and round in my head like a carousel. Then I found out what the intrusive thought bit was online, and the fact I was aware of the cause - actually made me heal myself of that part after months of suffering. But even tho I fit the characteristics of POCD, I kind of felt like maybe i suffer with genuine attraction to minors, it’s been too many years now and it’s quite nuanced I can find it hard to distinguish and I feel disgusted so badly. I feel like I have visual prompts and preferences now which never used to happen, for instance I don’t remember seeing a young face and getting a response from the way someone looked. At the start that didn’t even happen and I’m worry maybe I’m training myself to actually be a pedo. Is that possible? It’s so stupid because I get groinal response from other topics that are also taboo - i get it when my mum behaves in certain ways - that kills me so bad and makes me want to self harm. I also get it when cats purr loudly, I can laugh at that one but it’s still pretty nuts and uncomfortable when it happens. However, I think maybe finally today, no matter what symptoms I have - I can accept that I’m defiantly not a peado, I fall in line with so many characteristics of this OCD, it must be true. Maybe I just need to put this uncertainty to bed and stop causing myself so much pain. No one knows about my affliction in my life. MY boyfriend of 3 years who loves me so much doesn’t know, i constantly have to bury the premonition that he would hate me if he knew my truth. It causes me so much pain to think that, I have to lock it away. I lock it all away so deep that it’s like I live to lives. It’s insane. I’ve never even said anything this open before, even online. I break down in tears at the mere mention of POCD. However It’s weirdly painful and comforting to realise I’m not alone, all at the same time. I just feel like my entire life is a lie, and Im just endlessly searching for escapism so I’m not reminded of the fact I’m a ‘pervert’. But I think I’m ready to truly believe this isn’t the case now. Any tips are greatly taken? Next I think I need to find a therapist in the UK. I’ll probably think they will tell the police. Oh the joys of over thinking! Love to anyone suffering this, I’m officially joining the club x

Does hocd make you notice every single sane sex and make think you are attracted

Does anyone remember the exact moment like the date and time and everything when Ocd hit you? I’m just curious because for me I remember everything about that moment. I’m always like “if I could go back to July 3rd 2020 at 8 am right before it hit me” I was drinking coffee sitting on the couch on my phone.

Hey y’all, I hope everything is okay with everyone. I’ve been struggling with thinking about a specific celebrity for a really long time now and it’s super intrusive. Like I’ll be doing something random like washing dishes and I’ll then be like “omg, ____ washes dishes too. I wonder what it would be like to wash dishes with them or when they last did.” Like an absolute obsession. I’ll be amazed and enthralled with the most minute of things that I imagine them doing- they are like god-like to me. I also compulsively look at pictures and videos of them to feed my thought addiction. It’s ruining my day-to-day existence. How do I stop thinking about them and their lives and focus on my own? It’s so difficult to live my own life when I’m so invested in theirs. I just wish they would stop running around in my head and I can have some peace.

Hey guys! This is my goodbye letter to OCD! Quick story: I’ve had OCD since I was little I just didn’t know but when my brother left to college it destroyed me and I got hocd! It was terrifying I didn’t know who I was and i went to therapy for the first time! It’s been a long journey that started May 2019 and I survived even when I thought I wouldn’t ever get out of it! Before I would be sad for a day and bounce back but this was different! I knew I was the one that needed to destroy ocd (even though I wished there was an easier solution)! It’s now August 2020 and I am ocd free! It took me a while to write this because I still occasionally get ocd moments and I was scared of falling back down but I’m done being scared!!! Letter: OCD you were the hardest battle I’ve ever dealt with! You stomped on me when I was down and I was too scared to fight back! But when I showed bravery I got stronger and you weakened! I want to say thank you because of you I am a stronger person! Yes I still have a ways to go but I know who you are and you won’t ever be stronger than me! I realized the power of silence and my relationship with God grew! So thank you for helping me see that I am strong and can beat whatever comes my way! Goodbye to my intrusive thoughts you came from a place of fear but I now laugh at you so thanks for the chuckle! Tips: MEDITATION!!!! I started meditation when quarantine started and it absolutely helped sooo much! I did try it when I was weaker and it was a bit harder but as I got stronger it became an incredible tool Mindfulness 24/7! When you get an intrusive thought just breathe and relax your body! This helped my body not try to fight making my OCD worse Therapy! I am still in therapy and it honestly feels good to just talk and cry it out! You are not weaker because of it! You are actually sooo strong! I went into therapy embarrassed I told them I was fine (even as I cried)! I learned how to open up Gratitude!! I’m Catholic and I would just talk to God and give thanks! This is something I still do now because there are so many places where He was helping me! But if you aren’t just say thanks for the things that you love ( family, friends etc) I know the pain from ocd the feeling of hopelessness but trust me there is hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! You are incredible, you are strong and you will beat ocd! I will be leaving NOCD but I am so grateful for the community on here and I am so grateful for all the people who shared their recommendations! I used to read people’s success stories and I told myself “that is going to be me ” and I’ve now made it! I know you all will too So goodbye OCD! I’m glad I met you but it’s time for me to say goodbye! I have control :) ps- I know everyone’s story is different but I just wanted to share my journey!

Has anyone tried Paxeva for their OCD? I've tried most SSRI's and was wondering if anyone had any luck with it?

How do you work or focus on what you have to do while doing exposure and sitting with uncertainty? When I try to do this I get paralyzing crippling anxiety or in a mental funk that I have trouble concentrating and being productive at work or just my everyday life. I also get a hopeless unmotivated feeling because imagining the worst case scenario and not giving into compulsions (real event ocd worsened by PTSD) Any techniques to keep focused and motivated?

Hi everyone. I recently was diagnosed with OCD, and I'm about halfway through my NOCD sessions. I'm starting to get nervous about the sessions ending. So I'm wondering if it's a good idea for people with OCD to be in therapy all of the time, or if some people seek out therapy just when they get flare ups. I feel like I'm doing relatively well, but I want to see what you guys think. I want to make sure I have enough support when the sessions end.

I’ve reached my breaking point!! My resentment towards my mother for her codependent toxic behavior all these years makes me flip out on her over the smallest things. She would fill me with love and buy me things growing up, but it came at a price. She was a controlling perfectionist and she has some OCD traits. Whenever I tried to stray and be an individual she would threaten me with conditional love or money (she enmeshed me and set it up that I relied on her and she takes advantage of the fact that I confess to her with my ocd). She is also a huge gas lighter that will deny anything and everything negative about herself in an effort to make me doubt my reality. This helicopter parenting caused me to rebel over the years and I got myself into trouble and traumas which worsened my mental health. I tell her all the time I wish she was dead and I don’t mean it but my resentment and anger over the years comes out like this. I feel trapped in this house and wish I had enough money to be on my own. I’m a damn adult and I feel like I am not like other people my age because my mom groomed me to be dependent on her. I feel like I’m losing my mind during this pandemic and every little thing my mom does I hate.

i had a theme i obsessed over for a while but now it feels like a new theme is being completely taken over. how do people do ERP for thoughts of “what if i dont love my partner?” when i clearly do but the thoughts are just giving me discomfort? not sure how to do ERP for this one.

I met this girl online 5 months ago, we’ve been talking literally every single day, we talked on FaceTime weekly, the reason we never met was because I had to fly back home to care for my family when quarantine started. So we were both catching feelings for each other and everything was going amazing. Then this past week all of sudden she was acting distant, taking a really long time to respond to my texts and sometimes not even replying at all. After 2 days of no contact I decided to call her on FaceTime out of the blue. (Keep in mind that I did not blow up her phone asking why she hadn’t respond or stuff like that). I asked her on the call if she was okay and that she has been acting weird. She started crying and told me that she can’t do this anymore because she still has feelings for her guy best friend which she used to date. She said that she still wanted to be friends but I said I can’t be friends with someone I have feelings for. She told me she has feelings for me but the feelings for her friend are stronger. Shortly after we ended the call and I immediately removed her from all social media and she did the same. I don’t hate her or anything but she probably thinks I do since she said she was sorry for wasting my time and that maybe this would’ve worked out if we met in a different time. I haven’t talked to her or anything since that happened and that was on Saturday. I’ve been through breakups before but this is something different. Since we never actually dated and didn’t even met, theres so many questions about the what if. I find myself obsessing over her even though I have had the self control to not contact her nor stalk her via social media. This is literally all I can think about and I know I shouldn’t want her back but I still do. I know this is a very long post I just had to get this off my chest. What would you guys do? I struggle with GAD and OCD so this has not been optimal for my mental health. Thank you and have a great day.

I keep stalking my ex best friends’ Instagram and life and it’s making me worse. We were best friends since we were 11 (I’m 27 now) and after college we started traveling together. She would get jealous and say “oh look at you you’re gonna get guys attention again 🙄” one night 3 years ago in London she basically left me black out drunk by myself and let’s just say I woke up somewhere I didn’t wanna be and got traumatized. She didn’t even care and I blocked her after that. Now she’s better than ever, lost weight, kept traveling with the same tour group, made lots of friends, and I lost friends, gained weight, mental health horrible. I’m angry after what she did to me. Other friends gravitated towards her and stopped hanging out with me. I know I’m an adult but it just really hurts. Then when I see her social media I feel like crap about myself. My OCD checking habits make this worse.

Anyone’s OCD ever follow them into their dreams when they’re sleeping? I had this happen recently.

I feel proud of myself for doing ERP. I am here sitting with so much anxiety because of trying to refrain from performing a compulsion. You all should be proud of yourself if you do erp no matter how imperfectly you might be doing it. Facing our fears takes courage. I am trying to have faith this is going to work.

Hi my name is Kat and I just joined this app. I just wanted to introduce myself.. I have had ocd for 34 years and have contamination ocd. I went to Rogers Memorial in 2002 for intense ocd rehab. We did ERP and thought challenging. It was hard but I got better. Now my OCD has resurfaced more intensely again and last year I tried to kill myself because of it. This is the worst disorder ever! I plan on challenging myself again through doing behavior therapy and help from you all here for support. I hope I can help some of you as well! Let’s do this together!!

I am feeling like i don't know how my boyfriend is and what my relationship was with him. And i will never know how my relationship is with him. ROCD is telling me I've to leave him but i don't want to leave him but then it's telling me why don't i want to leave him. It's because i love him and he loves me. When will i feel certain that i love him😔

I am generally confused most of the time. I am a girl and a guy and neither, but am I really? My OCD thinks that. And it also tells me I like older men and girls my age. So... what's going on. Also, I really enjoy watching sort of MA movies and shows but I know they're bad for me spiritually. Idk what to do man. I've been stuck like this since I was 12. Yes. Since I was 12- I have liked to be as a guy should for a girl-hold them and listen to them, and care.... and I have also like older guys and would crush on them for too long, think about them, and hate it but also not hate it. I am so fucking uncomfortable.