Welcome to
the NOCD Community

God. My thoughts have always been the same people in the past. I can't finish a task right away for a minute by minute these thoughts appear and I'm arguing with them. God.

Anyone else struggling with “false attractions” and crazy sexual thoughts about people in public regarding HOCD. Please share and help.

Hi everyone my name is juxhin and i would like to share with you my experience with hocd and possibly false memory ocd So it all started when i woke up one day and remembered a scene from a movie that had two men kissing and realized when i saw this i didnt feel atracttion but i didnt feel disgusted either does that mean im gay? And so i questioned it and questioned it all day long i would see a male and i would ask do i feel anything and i would kinda force myself to like females i was i have i have i have too and my brain was like fuck you im not getting atractted. And then i saw a video on hocd they call me jesse’s videos on hocd and many many others but the thing is i was like how do i fix this and was scared omg this is never gonna go away and started getting imense anxiety but then i found the exposure technique and was very hesitant to try and i mean very. I chose to ignore the thought until it lost its power and tbh it actually worked i beat hocd and was sure about my sexuality i had no intrusive thoughts i didnt need to force myself to like someone and i was just overall sure that i was straight and had no doubts at all. But then i went out with one of my friends who is gay and another one of my friends. And he started making some gay jokes which dont get me wrong i have nothing against i have also made a ton of gay jokes in the past but back then i wouldnt vizualize or get anxiety from them and so hocd struck again. And then anxiety doubt and so on but then one night i forgot about these thoughts and didnt remember them for a good amount of time and then my worry was what if cuz i forgot these thoughts that means i accepted them and am actually gay.And i freaked out. But this time it went from being gay to being bisexual. And then i took some antidepresants to calm my anxiety but never tried exposure. But then to try and test myself i went and watched gay porn and i was like do i like this and then all of the sudden i was like omg i actually like this omg i actually like male genitals holy shit this is so real and it felt so damn real. Then i talked to psychologist which wasnt specialized in hocd or ocd at all. And she told im its fine its just puberty doubts and i actually calmed down and was feeling pretty damn confident so i gathered myself and did exposure and i was fine i was living life and even though the intrusive thought was coming in i wouldnt dig in it and could actually enjoy my life. What worries me now is something that i remembered all of the sudden out of nowhere when i was listening to music and that was that one time i had gone out with my gay friend and another one of my friends and my gay friend had come in a really feminine outfit which stood out to me but the thing is i didnt actually believe he was gay at that time. All the anxiety i was experiencing before hocd was me trying to comprehend how he could be gay i couldnt believe it cuz the day before i thought he was straight and he told us he liked that girl so i was like the fuck. And in my head i have this memory right now which consists of when we went out with him and that feminine outfit stood out to me in my mind i remember it as when he lowered down to grab something i looked at his butt and doubted am i attracted but then quickly forgot. Now i hadnt remembered any of this until a week ago. Now i remember going out with him with that feminine outfit and i remember him lowering down to get something and me looking at him but i also remember me doubting myself and my concern is omg i had a doubt before hocd that means im gay even though i have all(almost all)the symptoms of hocd like obssesions about sexual orientation,compulsions like watching hocd videos other peoples videos ruminating and seeing stories of coming out by many people taking hocd tests testing myself by watching porn and beating off to it testing myself by watching gay porn and seeing my groinal reaction. And also i have mild perfectionism symptoms like saying i shouldnt be gay straight people dont doubt themeselves i got a doubt(if i even got that doubt)before hocd that means im gay even though even when i had anxiety cuz i couldnt believe my friend was gay and would ruminate the internet on how to be less homophobic and how to accept a gay person i still didnt feel any attraction to males. I was just so baffled by the fact that my friend was gay and just couldny accept it which is homophobia of course. Does having a doubt or two or maybe alot before it became a obssesion mean you are gay? Also i saw something about people who are homophobes being gay and was scared omg im gay or im gonna find out im gay or i alredy am but im just in denial and then i read about internalised homophobia which as far as i read and saw on different videos was when a gay person(or any lgbt sexuality) was repressing their sexuality so basically they were acting homophobic with their friends but alone they were beating off to gay porn or shirtless men now i have never had doubts about my sexuality any time during my life but the i started questioning well i have obssesive thinking i also do compulsions i also feel down which in a article i read are all syptoms of both ocd and internalised homophobia and so i thought and still thinking oh my god i have internalised homophobia im actually gay i do all these things its confirmed i must be gay. And thats basically the only though that bothers me now and i also had a 4 year porn addiction which i managed to overcome but during this time i would only beat off to lesbian porn because i found it extremly stimulating and i was so straight maybe even too straight.I also did this thing where i would tell myself if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz i didnt realise how sexuality worked and thought it was a choice but anyway i woul say that because i just loved women with a burning passion but in not so short I heard that hocd happens to people who are too straight and you can definetly sign me up for that i knew i was straight since i was 5 and i had a 4 year old porn addiction and during that time i would only watch lesbian porn cuz it turned me on way more that just straight male on female porn and i was so straight in fact that i was like if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz thats just how much i loved girls i only fantazised about them i only beat off to them and one contrast i would like to make my gay friend told me that every girl he liked he forced himself to like where as i didnt i actually tried to refuse the feelings i had for one girl cuz my best friend also liked that girl and i thought if she liked me instead of him he would get sad But then i would feel those butterflies and anxiety when i would be around her i would always be nice to her i would try to get noticed by her obviosly i would try to impress her be close to her so i could have a chance like the things she liked get really embarrased when i would say something bad in front of her And i didnt doubt myself if i liked her or not i knew i did i just didnt want to like her because i was scared of what my friend was gonna think Kinda like a gay person being in denial(or at least i think its simmilar) he knows he likes men he just supresses it thats what happened to me(disclaimer i do not mean to offend any gay person i wish you luck but this is just how i think please do not get offended by it it is not my porpouse)anyways as i was saying I forced myself not to like her but it didnt matter i still felt that attraction to her and ultimately i accepted that i liked her to myself during hocd and i was like am i forcing this and panicked but yeah thats how i think someone in denial about being gay feels(again i do not know so please do not get offended)but im just speculating so yeah this is all i had to say and if anyone responds to this it would mean the world to me and thank you to anyone who takes their time to help me you truly are a blessing.Good luck with your ocd(if you have one i hope you dont and never will)and have a nice day.Thank you again if you do chose to waste your time reading this story of mine

I feel like I always have to have something to compulsively think about and obsess over. I’ll go two days with being happy, hopeful, then my brain is like “you always need something to obsess over.” So my new thought is my sexuality. I’ve 100% always known I liked guys, but starting a little over a year ago, I felt attracted to a few girls. But I always thought sexually I wasn’t. And it’s also not that many girls, just a select bunch versus a lot of guys I like. And I got over it. But then I saw a girl in my class who i thought was attractive (ever since I met her last year) and it triggered an obsession, wondering if I’m bisexual. I’m in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, I genuinely want to be with him, he’s amazing, we have the same values, and he’s great with my ocd. But my new obsessive thought is what if I never get to see if i actually like girls cause I’m with him for a long time. BUT I want to be with him and I want to be with him for a long time. A few days ago, we hung out a lot and we were having fun, I was so happy with him without this thought at all. And now it popped up and it’s destroying me and I don’t know how to cope. (Sorry if this is long. This is my first post).

OCD is just another Addiction. Here is why: During the battle against OCD, working to connect the dots and through own experiences to understand what is it that we confront with and how to overcome it, I realized something about OCD, that I would like to share. If my opinion is seen fit and useful, it may help understand in a certain angle what is happening in our minds and the mindset towards recovery. OCD is just another Addiction. We humans are wired to do two things – Seek Pleasure and Avoid Pain. Both are basically one thing. To be in the Pleasurable state of existence. In short, OCD is a self-drugging behavior to avoid pain, so the brain can release the feel good chemicals. All our systems are wired for pleasure seeking and escaping the pain. When we find the pleasure or escape the pain- there is a reward- we feel good, euphoria, a relief. Our brains release the ‘Feel good chemicals- from our own brain’s pharmacy’, the neurotransmitters Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, GABA, etc… these are the ones we develop a ‘tough love’ relationship with. Substances, like drugs and alcohol stimulate the release of our own ‘pharmacy’, BUT, not only substances do that- Reinforced Behavior does that too, more correctly, thoughts, emotions and actions that reinforce the ‘feel good’ such as gambling and love addictions, these behaviors release neurotransmitters of reward due to pleasure, are addictive and cause withdrawal when ceased. As research shown, OCD is related to childhood traumas and the resulting lack of self-love. When self-love is not around, Fear sips in. That’s just a survival mechanism. The mind say: No self-love? No pleasure? No problem, I will give you something to avoid- that will make me feel good. That thing is Fear/Anxiety- the source of pain to be avoided- so you can feel good about yourself when you managed to avoid it. OCD is just an upgraded version of anxiety, when the subconscious actually ‘Tames’ you to get that good feeling when Anxiety by itself didn’t result in self love and relaxation. This process is addicting, making sure you will ‘feel good’ many times throughout the day, keeping the ‘high’. Ever wondered why compulsions are repetitive, because the brain sees it as self-dosing, each action serves a dose, more hand washing, more doses of feel good to make the pain go away, until after 10 times- Doubt which is the measuring tool of how many doses are needed gives a temporary green light, until the next craving. That is why, Obssessions are basically just Cravings- a Call for Action- “Give me my dose of good feeling! Go and avoid this painful fear!” Have you ever wondered why other people don’t get inside that loop a person with OCD find themselves of ‘Thoughts/Feelings/Images/Urges’ Because in a same way, a non-addicted person cannot figure why an addict Craves drugs, and cannot ‘just stop with it’. OCD Obsesseions are just Craving, that’s why they come unsolicited, that’s why, certain situations flare them up, the subconscious mind finds an opportunity to get a dose and evokes an obsession to get the compulsion- the dose of feel good. Our brains are the ultimate ‘Drug Designers’, and can come with the worst fears to make you do one thing- Dose yourself with Avoidance. That is why, as suggested for drug addiction, on how to deal with cravings, perhaps one of the best things to do is just sit with it, surf the pain, watch the film the subconscious brain plays. What you see/think/feel means nothing, and nothing about you, it’s a movie played for you. A trick. Feel the urges until they pass, you are stronger than you imagine, and pain should be confronted to be defeated. Obsessions will come as cravings come, they will flare when there is a high chance to get the ‘fix’. But, with time they decrease until they disappear, because you train your subconscious mind there is NO ‘fix’ from those thoughts, stories, urges and movies.

i know it’s wrong to avoid your theme but also my dad just chatting about suicide is not helpful to me at all.

please someone tell me a reason to keep going

Re: depression, not OCD— Any fellow depression-sufferers, I’ve been having a really hard time at work with negative thoughts (“You’re horrible in all these ways—“ “the world sucks” etc.). I work alone, manual labor, and get overstimulated if I use constant audio to drown out the thoughts. It’s worse in the afternoon. Any ideas on how to cope? How did you handle this? Thanks.

On my way home I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in my entire life. I was driving Home from my peer support specialist class which is a bit far from me, my whole body was tingling, my heart beating really fast, and my whole body felt like it was going to give out and I would faint. I made it home thank God but I’m worried that these panic attacks will make it so I can’t do my job at work. I am going through a meditation change right now as I mentioned before. This has all been affecting me so much 😢

I saw 3 bisexual TikToks on my feed in a row and now I think that they’re signs; it’s triggering me. Just had to write that down. Thank you.

Has anyone done CPT (cognitive processing therapy) for trauma and anxiety? I’m in the middle of it now a few weeks in and I’m more triggered and anxious than ever. My OCD doesn’t help the situation. Sometimes I feel like my OCD gets in the way of CPT fully working.

A few years ago , I was pro choice . On Pinterest , I would like comments that were pro choice and saved pro choice pins to a feminism board. I was like 14-15 at max . I feel really guilty about it , Cuz I am very pro life now . If someone else got an abortion , I would have influenced their descision so I would ah e a part in that . Then again how I influence someone else with my opinion is out of my control . I just liked and pinned what I agreed with at the time . I can’t decide whether my guilt It justified . Do I have a part I. Someone else’s abortion ? ( I don’t mean to give hate to anyone who is pro choice this is just what’s going through my head .)

sometimes i can disregard my false memories for weeks on end but then they’ll come back and seem even more real which sends me into doing compulsions and seeking reassurance, what i’ve read about false memories is that if the thought starts with “what if i......in the past” it’s a false memory cause if it was real you’d 100% remember it but i’m scared that i might’ve done something inappropriate to my sister ( when she was 2 ) like held her in a wrong way or put my hands on her in a wrong way in the past, i can’t remember doing this i just have really vivid images and high anxiety which makes it feel real, i fear that i might have done something inappropriate but like not seen it as inappropriate at the time? but that also doesn’t make any sense because i definitely wouldn’t touch a child that way because i feel no attraction towards them at all i’ve always been attracted to people my age so there would be no reason for me to do that. Then i also have thoughts like “maybe you saw it as funny or as a joke” but that doesn’t make any sense either, i know that i’ve patted my sisters butt when she was younger and used to crawl because i found it so cute. I wish i could remember everytime i’ve been affectionate with her so i’d know for sure if i ever did something bad but no matter how hard i try i cant, everything is so fuzzy. i just started my last year in high school and i really want to enjoy my last year with my friends and i’m also taking a lot of courses that i like this year but OCD makes it impossible. i feel like i can’t just disregard these thoughts as false memories cause what if they’re real? or what if i’ve just convinced myself that they’re ocd and they’re actually real? i’m sorry for the long post but can someone please help me i feel hopeless i don’t know how much longer i can put up with this, i’m anxious all the time.

ik i’ve posted about this before, but i feel like this can’t be ocd. i had questioned my sexuality before, and have had thoughts about that pop into my head from time to time, and they never made me happy, but everyone else on this app says that they never even thought about it once before their ocd, but that’s not the case for me:(

Just because something is POSSIBLE doesn't mean that it is LIKELY/PROBABLE. This is a great example. - At first glance, the statements may appear contradictory. In fact, I'm a bit worried that some science deniers are going to see it and go "Aha! Proof that NASA is out to dupe us!". However, both sentences are true to the best of the top experts in the world's knowledge. - Here's how. The earth is roughly 4.5 billion years old. Presuming that we don't nuke it into non-existence, the planet will survive for another 7.5 billion years before the sun expands enough to absorb it. Yeah, life will be gone loooong before then, but the hunk of rock that is Earth will still be circling the sun for an incomprehensibly long time. That means that events (like major asteroid collisions) that are extremely unlikely to happen at any particular moment in time are essentially guaranteed to happen eventually. - So why am I talking about this? What does it have to do with OCD and mental health? Great question! Anxiety disorders tend to include overestimation of threat/risk. We make the mistake of thinking that because something is POSSIBLE. It is also PROBABLE. Then we start acting as though the feared event is going to happen for sure very soon instead of responding according to it's actual probability of happening. Helloooo compulsions! To function effectively in our lives, we need to respond to actual risk, not imagined risk. In this example, yeah, an asteroid will collide with Earth and cause major wreckage. But it's definitely not worth the average person worrying about or preparing for. Dedicating energy, time, and money towards asteroid doomsday prepping (or whatever other unlikely event you dread) will likely interfere with doing the activities we want and need to do to have meaningful and enjoyable lives and relationships. - What slim possibilities are you treating as highly likely events? What consequences does that have on you, your loved ones, and your life? - Side note: climate change is a super high risk. It's already happening. Addressing that is not only reasonable, but imperative - Citations for statistics: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.express.co.uk/news/science/1174815/nasa-asteroid-chance-of-impact-earth-space-2019-end-times-nasa-asteroids-news/amp https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Future_of_Earth

Can’t stop thinking about how scary death is. Wish I could be immortal. I don’t want to know what death is like, or experience the death of a loved one. I hate knowing that there’s nothing I can do about it.

Does anyone know how to deal with seeing weird thoughts looking at chicks or trying to think about a chick? 2 words pop up everytime my mind wants to think about a chick. It saids Dude, dick every time. I want to do an erp session by looking at pictures of chicks and letting the thoughts pass. I have done this already but in doing so it just brings back the HOCD does anyone on here know at this point what I should be doing or not doing? Cuz honestly living like this is hell. It makes me not want to wake up it makes me not want to eat. It makes me not want to go workout. It makes me angry. If anyone knows how to deal with this please let me know.

Does anyone have any tips on stopping ruminating? I'm doing exposure therapy and struggling to break the cycle of rumination.

Does anyone else with contamination ocd struggle to trust certain things? I really dont trust hand sanitizer which sucks. We went out today and I thought I grabbed a railing so I used sanitizer but always feel like maybe my sanitizer is fake or something. Or like....to me it seems crazy that you wash for 20 seconds but only have a few seconds before sanitizer dries and you're supposed to trust it. Sometimes I struggle to trust disinfectant as well but I honestly have no choice in that. I have to trust it or I'd give myself a heart attack.

Does anyone with POCD have children? I want to have children in the future, but the idea of it really scares me because of my fears. Something I have been learning in therapy is not to make fear-based decisions. So it’s definitely something I want to do, but I just wanna know some of your experiences with this.