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the NOCD Community

how were your experinces on medication for OCD? which medications helped the best? my therapist recommended me see a psychiatrist for medication but im terrified of getting on them in the first place because i dont want them to affect me negatively

i can’t go to bed until i do certain things can anyone help?

My OCD has been attacking my Dad lately. For whatever reason my ODC says “what if u r face gets red around him or while you’re talking to him and ppl think u like him or what if I have a panic attack around him and ppl think that he must’ve done something to me to make me afraid of him and HE DIDNT! He’s never been anything but a loving great Dad. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. It causes me at times to avoid him and I don’t want to. I just want these horrible thoughts about my Dad to go away. Has anyone else experienced this? And if so how did you cope? I HATE myself for this😭

really struggling tonight 💔 currently tapering off my medication and having constant panick attacks. I suffer with GAD, Emetiphobia, health anxiety and different forms of OCD. the withdrawal is terrible and making me.feel sick so becuase of my health anxiety and emetophobia it heightens everything and I just feel I'm about to die at any minute. can anyone relate or have any words of wisdom?

Freaking out because I feel like I can be such a toxic person in my head. Like I think some mean mean things that I’m incredibly ashamed of, and have a lot of aggression towards things. Mostly friends. It’s all internal and I really don’t let it show in my actions. I am caring to them all because they don’t deserve anything less. I just feel like a fraud for thinking the things I do and then acting kind. I do care for them I just also have some awful brain noise.

Stuck. A few days ago,I saw three years ago I was invited in a chat that had revolting content. It was full of racial slurs, and nsfw ,gore,etc. I never sent any messages nor interacted with it,I suppose i never checked it and never was aware of its nature. However,it haunted me for days on end and I felt immense guilt by association alone,I felt disturbed to the extent its all i thought about,and the only thing I thought about. I constantly showered,struggled to eat,and either struggled to sleep or slept excessively. When finally overcoming the guilt,that it had no reason to be there because it was not my actions nor was I aware of it until three years or so after ,another thought came by. That if the content was so openly shocking and vile,whos to say they hadn't sent something illegal,and whilst scrolling through the hellhole I just so happened to miss it. I remember one user in particular had a picture of a young girls face sent in,i remember it just being a face and nothing else from what I observed. The only nsfw things i saw were also cartoons like Wendy(from the fast food chain). it haunts me still if I just didn't look close enough,it was really something more sinister. This sort of triggered my past POCD,and now I cant stop obsessing over it,going back to the memory over and over in spite of not being able to recall anything else. Its sort of inhibited my ability to look to the future and relax in the present,I cant do things without thinking about it. I'm considering talking to a hotline regarding its effect on me, but I dont know if its safe to discuss. The whole situation has drained everything about my life tbh

I’ve shared this before but I want to share again. I’ve always struggled with ocd of every subtype. I had it pretty manageable up until I gave birth to my daughter, which was about a year ago. Since then, my ocd, anxiety, depression have all ramped up, but I still thought I had it under control, up until about a month ago. Having a child caused every subtype and compulsion to flare up. Intrusive thoughts, checking- POCD, Harm ocd, perfectionism ocd, thanatophobia, existentialism ocd, health ocd, health anxiety, contamination ocd- you name it! But I still thought I had it all under control. I work in a criminal defense law firm, so I’m constantly reading police reports about the horrible things people do, and receiving calls from people in jail and I’m always in my head thinking that we are all one decision away from losing control, ending up in prison and having a completely different life. These thoughts haunt me. I feel like the human mind is so complex and if someone else is capable, I surely am as well. Aren’t I? One day I read a particularly heinous child abuse story, and it completely messed me up. I had been doing a lot of research on ocd and avoidance and compulsions and after reading that story I felt so triggered but also so confident that I would never want to do anything like that to my own child. But the fear was still inside of me. So strong. That night I went home knowing I would struggle with my ocd while caring for my child. I changed her diaper and buttoned her onesie and had intrusive thoughts/feelings and urges. I breathed through them and acknowledged that they were ocd thoughts, that I was expecting to have given the day I had. Because of my ocd, I have always avoided handling my baby in anyway that might be deemed inappropriate. I see a lot of people hold their babies or lift their babies in a way where their hand is positioned in the crotch. Even though it is not sexual, I’ve always avoided it because I didn’t want to feel weird doing so. I wanted to avoid any doubt or feeling or thought that it might conjure up. As the evening progressed my daughter was going to bed and she kept standing up in her crib and wouldn’t drink her bottle. I kept laying her down and by the time I would be able to grab her bottle she would be standing up again. I needed to lay her down with one arm and hand her the bottle immediately with the other hand. I had the thought if only I could scoop her up with one hand and hand her the bottle with the other-but that would require me to maneuver her in a way that positions my hand between her legs. Immediately I was fearful but then realized this would be a good opportunity to practice ERP. I was so excited to de-sexualize that in my mind and to finally break through the fear of handling my daughter that way. I thought about the intrusive thoughts bit had earlier in the evening and immediately said “no this isn’t sexual, do not avoid it” and without second thought-I did it. I laid her down with one arm, which resulted in my hand between her legs. She was fully clothed and diapered but immediately I was overcome with guilt and panic. Why did I do it? Was it to act out on a sexual urge? What did it mean? What were my true motives? Would if they were to gain sexual gratification? I know they weren’t. I was super confident and ready to stick it to my ocd that night. But that confidence is replaced with doubt, guilt and fear. I’ve struggled with this since it happened. I have good days and bad days, but I can’t seem to stop replaying it. New emotions have surfaced that weren’t even there, new thoughts, the whole scenario has been played so many times over and over again in my head like a broken record to the point where I don’t even know what’s real or imagined at this point. I keep trying to remind myself I did not have Ill intent when executing the action and that i was wanting to practice ERP and not avoid a certain gesture due to my anxiety. But my mind keeps saying “what if” ...what if you did it with Ill intent deep down?

I want to share my story in case some of you are going through the same thing. Especially new parents who are suffering with POCD. About two years ago my mother had caught her father fondling my nephews genitals.. now I’ve gone through my share of trauma such as sexual assault and almost being molested so when my mother told me about what her father had done to my nephew it broke me... the reason being is because bad things shouldn’t happen to children it just shouldn’t! Thus, it made my hatred for pedophiles and child molestors even bigger. The hatred was so big that my OCD decided to use this hate and fear against me it started feeding me intrusive images that I didn’t want to see, it made my anxiety sky rocket to the point where one day I gave an intrusive thought so much thought and meaning that I thought “what if its real.” The intrusive thought began like this it was a simple black and white image of a hand passing by someone.. Everytime I’d go back to analyze it it would change it went from black and white to it looking completely real, then it turned into a hand passing by a toddlers crotch, then it turned into my hand passing by my nephews crotch. At this point it scared the living hell out of me because I knew it wasn’t real however it gave me extreme anxiety and then my ocd started playing the doubting game “well what if it is real it gives you anxiety it must be real.” I lived with my ocd constantly telling me “I was a sick fuck, a pedophile, a child molestor, and that I would go to hell for what I did” but what exactly did I do? I didn’t even remember that occuring? I couldn’t remember yet I was able to see these images in full detail, why? That’s when I decided to try NOCD out and my therapist got me through it with exposures as well as ultimate acceptance of uncertainty. The fact of the matter is OCD scares us and makes us think and feel as if certain things are real, if it didn’t feel real it wouldn’t be ocd. I guess what I’m trying to get at is the way I handled this situation was I looked at it from both sides. Okay let’s say my hand slightly passing by whom evers crotch occurred what was the intent behind it? How is that any different then my hand passing by slightly on someones hand leg or crotch when passing by a huge crowd? Because that happens to all of us. We don’t intend to touch others when in a huge crowd but it happens. Now we can look at the other perspective which is it didn’t happen at all and it’s just an intrusive thought created based on my hatred of pedophiles and child molestors. The point I am trying to make is ocd will use anything that is important to us and distort it because it wants to ruin our lives it wants to bring fear and doubt into our lives! After two years of therapy and overcoming as well as still recovering from my ocd I can finally say that I no longer believe my intrusive to be true. I know that it’s not real however from time to time it does in fact pop up and bring fear and guilt into my life but I have to constantly use my skills I was taught by my NOCD therapist and understand that one it isnt real and if it where real it wouldn’t be what my ocd makes me feel and think it is. The point I’m trying to make is if I can overcome and recover from POCD so can all of you!

Does anyone else have their OCD latch on to specific items. What I mean is there are times where I will have an intusive thought and it won't bug me at all, I can let it pass down the stream. However, other times an intusive thought will attach to a certain action and that intrusive thought from that specific time will play over and over. For me then the compulsion is trying to do that item while not thinking that thought it ruminating and trying logically to overcome it (I know OCD doesn't follow logic). However, other times that same thought it can pass through. As I'm typing this I think for me the aspect and the attachment to the event is a worry that I'll remember it due to remembering the event. There is an uncertainty that I'll have to live with that memory forever and it will forever alter my life and/or the relationship regarding who the intrusive thought was about (someone in my family, etc...). That similar theme plays out not just with intrusive thoughts, but with more of a moral scrupulousity. It's not that moral or unmoral act that's typically in question, but the idea that the memory will plague me for the rest of my life, so I can't move forward and enjoy life until things are "solved". I recognize the uncertainty in the above, but it's not like I feel it about every circumstance. OCD can be weird and I guess it's just it's sneaky way of keeping me coming back for more. It's just it's not typically all encompassing from the standpoint of multiple triggers per day, just that same item replaying. Of course once that one dissapates another one takes its place.

How to stop checking things? It's literally impossible for me to not checking doors, locks, switchs, etc and it affects my life very badly. I also have other themes but right now checking things is the most difficult for me. Pls help...

God. My thoughts have always been the same people in the past. I can't finish a task right away for a minute by minute these thoughts appear and I'm arguing with them. God.

Anyone else struggling with “false attractions” and crazy sexual thoughts about people in public regarding HOCD. Please share and help.

Hi everyone my name is juxhin and i would like to share with you my experience with hocd and possibly false memory ocd So it all started when i woke up one day and remembered a scene from a movie that had two men kissing and realized when i saw this i didnt feel atracttion but i didnt feel disgusted either does that mean im gay? And so i questioned it and questioned it all day long i would see a male and i would ask do i feel anything and i would kinda force myself to like females i was i have i have i have too and my brain was like fuck you im not getting atractted. And then i saw a video on hocd they call me jesse’s videos on hocd and many many others but the thing is i was like how do i fix this and was scared omg this is never gonna go away and started getting imense anxiety but then i found the exposure technique and was very hesitant to try and i mean very. I chose to ignore the thought until it lost its power and tbh it actually worked i beat hocd and was sure about my sexuality i had no intrusive thoughts i didnt need to force myself to like someone and i was just overall sure that i was straight and had no doubts at all. But then i went out with one of my friends who is gay and another one of my friends. And he started making some gay jokes which dont get me wrong i have nothing against i have also made a ton of gay jokes in the past but back then i wouldnt vizualize or get anxiety from them and so hocd struck again. And then anxiety doubt and so on but then one night i forgot about these thoughts and didnt remember them for a good amount of time and then my worry was what if cuz i forgot these thoughts that means i accepted them and am actually gay.And i freaked out. But this time it went from being gay to being bisexual. And then i took some antidepresants to calm my anxiety but never tried exposure. But then to try and test myself i went and watched gay porn and i was like do i like this and then all of the sudden i was like omg i actually like this omg i actually like male genitals holy shit this is so real and it felt so damn real. Then i talked to psychologist which wasnt specialized in hocd or ocd at all. And she told im its fine its just puberty doubts and i actually calmed down and was feeling pretty damn confident so i gathered myself and did exposure and i was fine i was living life and even though the intrusive thought was coming in i wouldnt dig in it and could actually enjoy my life. What worries me now is something that i remembered all of the sudden out of nowhere when i was listening to music and that was that one time i had gone out with my gay friend and another one of my friends and my gay friend had come in a really feminine outfit which stood out to me but the thing is i didnt actually believe he was gay at that time. All the anxiety i was experiencing before hocd was me trying to comprehend how he could be gay i couldnt believe it cuz the day before i thought he was straight and he told us he liked that girl so i was like the fuck. And in my head i have this memory right now which consists of when we went out with him and that feminine outfit stood out to me in my mind i remember it as when he lowered down to grab something i looked at his butt and doubted am i attracted but then quickly forgot. Now i hadnt remembered any of this until a week ago. Now i remember going out with him with that feminine outfit and i remember him lowering down to get something and me looking at him but i also remember me doubting myself and my concern is omg i had a doubt before hocd that means im gay even though i have all(almost all)the symptoms of hocd like obssesions about sexual orientation,compulsions like watching hocd videos other peoples videos ruminating and seeing stories of coming out by many people taking hocd tests testing myself by watching porn and beating off to it testing myself by watching gay porn and seeing my groinal reaction. And also i have mild perfectionism symptoms like saying i shouldnt be gay straight people dont doubt themeselves i got a doubt(if i even got that doubt)before hocd that means im gay even though even when i had anxiety cuz i couldnt believe my friend was gay and would ruminate the internet on how to be less homophobic and how to accept a gay person i still didnt feel any attraction to males. I was just so baffled by the fact that my friend was gay and just couldny accept it which is homophobia of course. Does having a doubt or two or maybe alot before it became a obssesion mean you are gay? Also i saw something about people who are homophobes being gay and was scared omg im gay or im gonna find out im gay or i alredy am but im just in denial and then i read about internalised homophobia which as far as i read and saw on different videos was when a gay person(or any lgbt sexuality) was repressing their sexuality so basically they were acting homophobic with their friends but alone they were beating off to gay porn or shirtless men now i have never had doubts about my sexuality any time during my life but the i started questioning well i have obssesive thinking i also do compulsions i also feel down which in a article i read are all syptoms of both ocd and internalised homophobia and so i thought and still thinking oh my god i have internalised homophobia im actually gay i do all these things its confirmed i must be gay. And thats basically the only though that bothers me now and i also had a 4 year porn addiction which i managed to overcome but during this time i would only beat off to lesbian porn because i found it extremly stimulating and i was so straight maybe even too straight.I also did this thing where i would tell myself if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz i didnt realise how sexuality worked and thought it was a choice but anyway i woul say that because i just loved women with a burning passion but in not so short I heard that hocd happens to people who are too straight and you can definetly sign me up for that i knew i was straight since i was 5 and i had a 4 year old porn addiction and during that time i would only watch lesbian porn cuz it turned me on way more that just straight male on female porn and i was so straight in fact that i was like if i were a girl i would be a lesbian cuz thats just how much i loved girls i only fantazised about them i only beat off to them and one contrast i would like to make my gay friend told me that every girl he liked he forced himself to like where as i didnt i actually tried to refuse the feelings i had for one girl cuz my best friend also liked that girl and i thought if she liked me instead of him he would get sad But then i would feel those butterflies and anxiety when i would be around her i would always be nice to her i would try to get noticed by her obviosly i would try to impress her be close to her so i could have a chance like the things she liked get really embarrased when i would say something bad in front of her And i didnt doubt myself if i liked her or not i knew i did i just didnt want to like her because i was scared of what my friend was gonna think Kinda like a gay person being in denial(or at least i think its simmilar) he knows he likes men he just supresses it thats what happened to me(disclaimer i do not mean to offend any gay person i wish you luck but this is just how i think please do not get offended by it it is not my porpouse)anyways as i was saying I forced myself not to like her but it didnt matter i still felt that attraction to her and ultimately i accepted that i liked her to myself during hocd and i was like am i forcing this and panicked but yeah thats how i think someone in denial about being gay feels(again i do not know so please do not get offended)but im just speculating so yeah this is all i had to say and if anyone responds to this it would mean the world to me and thank you to anyone who takes their time to help me you truly are a blessing.Good luck with your ocd(if you have one i hope you dont and never will)and have a nice day.Thank you again if you do chose to waste your time reading this story of mine

I feel like I always have to have something to compulsively think about and obsess over. I’ll go two days with being happy, hopeful, then my brain is like “you always need something to obsess over.” So my new thought is my sexuality. I’ve 100% always known I liked guys, but starting a little over a year ago, I felt attracted to a few girls. But I always thought sexually I wasn’t. And it’s also not that many girls, just a select bunch versus a lot of guys I like. And I got over it. But then I saw a girl in my class who i thought was attractive (ever since I met her last year) and it triggered an obsession, wondering if I’m bisexual. I’m in a committed relationship with my boyfriend, I genuinely want to be with him, he’s amazing, we have the same values, and he’s great with my ocd. But my new obsessive thought is what if I never get to see if i actually like girls cause I’m with him for a long time. BUT I want to be with him and I want to be with him for a long time. A few days ago, we hung out a lot and we were having fun, I was so happy with him without this thought at all. And now it popped up and it’s destroying me and I don’t know how to cope. (Sorry if this is long. This is my first post).

OCD is just another Addiction. Here is why: During the battle against OCD, working to connect the dots and through own experiences to understand what is it that we confront with and how to overcome it, I realized something about OCD, that I would like to share. If my opinion is seen fit and useful, it may help understand in a certain angle what is happening in our minds and the mindset towards recovery. OCD is just another Addiction. We humans are wired to do two things – Seek Pleasure and Avoid Pain. Both are basically one thing. To be in the Pleasurable state of existence. In short, OCD is a self-drugging behavior to avoid pain, so the brain can release the feel good chemicals. All our systems are wired for pleasure seeking and escaping the pain. When we find the pleasure or escape the pain- there is a reward- we feel good, euphoria, a relief. Our brains release the ‘Feel good chemicals- from our own brain’s pharmacy’, the neurotransmitters Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, GABA, etc… these are the ones we develop a ‘tough love’ relationship with. Substances, like drugs and alcohol stimulate the release of our own ‘pharmacy’, BUT, not only substances do that- Reinforced Behavior does that too, more correctly, thoughts, emotions and actions that reinforce the ‘feel good’ such as gambling and love addictions, these behaviors release neurotransmitters of reward due to pleasure, are addictive and cause withdrawal when ceased. As research shown, OCD is related to childhood traumas and the resulting lack of self-love. When self-love is not around, Fear sips in. That’s just a survival mechanism. The mind say: No self-love? No pleasure? No problem, I will give you something to avoid- that will make me feel good. That thing is Fear/Anxiety- the source of pain to be avoided- so you can feel good about yourself when you managed to avoid it. OCD is just an upgraded version of anxiety, when the subconscious actually ‘Tames’ you to get that good feeling when Anxiety by itself didn’t result in self love and relaxation. This process is addicting, making sure you will ‘feel good’ many times throughout the day, keeping the ‘high’. Ever wondered why compulsions are repetitive, because the brain sees it as self-dosing, each action serves a dose, more hand washing, more doses of feel good to make the pain go away, until after 10 times- Doubt which is the measuring tool of how many doses are needed gives a temporary green light, until the next craving. That is why, Obssessions are basically just Cravings- a Call for Action- “Give me my dose of good feeling! Go and avoid this painful fear!” Have you ever wondered why other people don’t get inside that loop a person with OCD find themselves of ‘Thoughts/Feelings/Images/Urges’ Because in a same way, a non-addicted person cannot figure why an addict Craves drugs, and cannot ‘just stop with it’. OCD Obsesseions are just Craving, that’s why they come unsolicited, that’s why, certain situations flare them up, the subconscious mind finds an opportunity to get a dose and evokes an obsession to get the compulsion- the dose of feel good. Our brains are the ultimate ‘Drug Designers’, and can come with the worst fears to make you do one thing- Dose yourself with Avoidance. That is why, as suggested for drug addiction, on how to deal with cravings, perhaps one of the best things to do is just sit with it, surf the pain, watch the film the subconscious brain plays. What you see/think/feel means nothing, and nothing about you, it’s a movie played for you. A trick. Feel the urges until they pass, you are stronger than you imagine, and pain should be confronted to be defeated. Obsessions will come as cravings come, they will flare when there is a high chance to get the ‘fix’. But, with time they decrease until they disappear, because you train your subconscious mind there is NO ‘fix’ from those thoughts, stories, urges and movies.

i know it’s wrong to avoid your theme but also my dad just chatting about suicide is not helpful to me at all.

please someone tell me a reason to keep going

Re: depression, not OCD— Any fellow depression-sufferers, I’ve been having a really hard time at work with negative thoughts (“You’re horrible in all these ways—“ “the world sucks” etc.). I work alone, manual labor, and get overstimulated if I use constant audio to drown out the thoughts. It’s worse in the afternoon. Any ideas on how to cope? How did you handle this? Thanks.

Anyone else with existential OCD where you question whether or not you or anything else actually exist?

On my way home I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in my entire life. I was driving Home from my peer support specialist class which is a bit far from me, my whole body was tingling, my heart beating really fast, and my whole body felt like it was going to give out and I would faint. I made it home thank God but I’m worried that these panic attacks will make it so I can’t do my job at work. I am going through a meditation change right now as I mentioned before. This has all been affecting me so much 😢