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18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

I don't know how to put this but... I'll try my best... The pain that I'm suffering now is too deep. I'm struggling to catch my breath every second. I can't sleep, I can't be awake... I can't do anything. I'm freezed in this stage of endless pain that has teared my soul apart. There's nothing left now... I can't see things work for me. I'm too tired of this... I can't take any step further. There's no end to this. My soul is dead from inside...

Please help!!! Right now I am having major spike, I have always been a curious kid and I watched stuff on internet as a very young child but I have always been a boy crazy person and i was never attracted to girls but ever since I have started with these thoughts that what if I might be bisexual or lesbian. My mind keeps telling me that what if I watched those thing because I might be bi or lesbian. I don't want to be bisexual or lesbian but my mind keeps running back to this thought of what I did as curious child. I feel bad about myself and feel wretched that why did I do it. I am so scared.

I’m having a really hard time resisting my suicidal thoughts right now. I keep declining more and more and I just want to be put out of my misery at this point. I’m feeling like there’s no hope for my future, and I also can’t even make it through the present. I don’t know what to do because I don’t WANT to die but I feel like it’s the only thing that can make things better

i feel like i won’t get a diagnosis if i went in and tried. that’s my biggest fear. i would feel so much shame and sadness if i didn’t, i don’t want people to think i’m gay and if i don’t get diagnosed with ocd that’s what the ppl i told will think (which is just my mind but still). it safer almost for me not to get diagnosed because if i don’t have it i don’t know what i would to. everything would get so much worse

Does anyone else who’s 20+ and never seriously dated before afraid that this messed up your love life forever? Because I used to look forward to getting to know a guy romantically one day and feeling comfortable enough to let them be around me in that way and now I’m just afraid that if I ever get into a relationship I’m not going to like it and it’s just gonna confirm everything I’m afraid of :/

Hey guys!! Thank you to the other people who commented on my last post and liked it. It helped me feel a lot less alone. But I am struggling with something really weird. I think right now I'm dealing with a bunch of subtypes of OCD but my main obsession is that "what if my boyfriend is a rapist/pedo?" And it's really really getting to me because I KNOW that he's not, he's literally the sweetest person in the world. But my brain is turning every good thought I have about him into something terrible. It's latching onto everything, making me check my feelings constantly, latching onto how I feel about gifts he given me, latching onto to even certain words he's said to me. And my brain always has something negative to say about him. It's driving me nuts. Because I sincerely love him and I do not want our relationship to end. And I'm scared I'm in denial or something, what if I don't have OCD what if this is all an excuse to hide something that you truly feel about him? And the thought of that sends me into a state of depression. It feels like there's an evil voice in my head all the time that is not mine. Telling me to do things that I never want to do. Saying I have to do them or my boyfriend will die, and if I don't do it I will die, or I'll lose control and kill him because deep down that's how I truly feel or something. That I want to kill him??? I feel like because I'm pushing away these thoughts, it's making me feel like I need to confess to something that I don't think actually happened to me. But everytime I let them just try to pass, it's an automatic for me to respond to them and ruminate. I just don't know what to do. I really really really don't want to ruin my relationship. I just want to feel happy and normal again and content. I'm scared I won't feel that away again unless I leave him or do the terrible things that my intrusive thoughts want me to do. That scares me so much. I really do someone who can relate. I know this is long and I don't think anyone will read this. But if you do, thank you it means a lot.

How can I stop relying on snacks and staying up late for making me feel better? So I’ve gotten into the habit of eating snacks and watching tv with my brother before bed. We will usually start at around 12:30-1am and finish by 2am, to which I’ll watch something on my own until 4-ish am. While I’m watching with my brother I’ll snack on something, most of the time being hot Cheetos. A couple years ago I was addicted to eating them because they taste amazing and back then I think I was kinda depressed since I was living away from home at the time so they were my comfort food. I stopped eating them for a while because I had eaten so much it messed up my stomach and gave me horrible acid for a while. I picked the snack back up a few months ago after over a year and a half and while they’re just as addictive as before, I limit myself to eating some most nights instead of throughout the day in binges. Anyways, with my late eating and staying up so late (which results in me waking up between 12-2pm), I’ve started gaining weight. I’m female, 24, 5’7, and I used to weigh about 145-150 but now I’m hitting 165. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been and it’s making me panic. I used to go out a lot and walk around all day before as well which I think kept me somewhat in shape but with the pandemic having us stay home it’s taken that away from me. I know this isn’t a great excuse though because I could work out at home, but walking has always been my thing. Another thing as well is I feel I’m relying too much on my staying up and snack consumption to make me feel better. Most of the time I look forward to that time because it keeps me at peace and my OCD/anxiety feels at bay. I think I’ve been using this as a crutch and forming an unhealthy habit in order to avoid dealing with scary feelings. Now of course I’ve gained weight and I’m starting to look it as well and it’s taking hits at my self-esteem. Not to mention I deal with hormonal acne so my lower face is constantly broken out. How can I learn to drop these bad habits and adopt new ones without fear of my comfort food/time?

Just wanted to share my story for others to know that they’re not alone and I just need some support right now. I’ve struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder since high school. I was also diagnosed with CPTSD and OCD this year. So it all started back in June of this year. I remember having a severe panic attack because I was hanging out with a new guy for the first time in a while(I have a really bad past with guys). But the next day, I was feeling a little off from it so I was just laying in my bed. Then all these racing thoughts started coming(this was before I knew what intrusive thoughts were so it really freaked me out) “I could kill myself right now”, “I could hurt someone right now if I wanted to” “wait why would I wanna do that, do I want to do that” “I could jump out of this window right now” “do I need to do this?” I called my mom and couldn’t stop crying. Unfortunately she lived 12 hours away from me at the time so she stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down. As the days went on, I was feeling so out of it. Like nothing was real. I started getting disturbing images in my head in my head of hurting my loved ones. These thoughts were so distressing and made me not want to leave my room let alone the house. Not only was I dealing with these intrusive thoughts, I became very depressed, paranoid and was going through derealization and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I ended up admitting myself into the psych ward for a few days. My mom came up after my stay to watch after me and I took her up on her offer to stay with her temporarily until I was mentally better. After therapy and medication, I got so much better. But I’m still dealing with many forms of OCD such as existential, harm, TOCD, sexuality OCD, and POCD. I’m going through hell right now with false memory OCD. My parents have always been so good to me throughout my life and they’ve been my rock through all of this. But recently I came across this thought “what if something traumatic happened to me when I was younger and I just don’t remember” then I started getting these thoughts with my friends and family. I started locking my door at night bc I had this fear someone will do something to me in my sleep and I won’t know because I’m unconscious. And I always keep my drinks and food right beside me because I’m afraid someone will drug me. I’m always questioning whether I did something to someone or someone did something to me. I’m fearful I’m gonna start believing these thoughts are memories and start accusing people of stuff that’s never even happened. I also have this fear that I’m going to become a paranoid schizophrenic and lose all touch with reality. It’s like my mind is trying to turn me against my support system. It’s like do I have to cut people off now because I’m having these thoughts? With OCD, it makes me constantly wonder what I want/ don’t want out of life. Then when I think I figured it out I’m like “how do you know you want that”. It’s impossible to relax anymore. And I’m afraid I won’t make it if I start to become delusional with believing these thoughts and cutting everyone off. My therapist has been giving me good tips on how to deal with this but I wanted another person’s opinion that struggles with OCD.

I feel like I need to quit my job. I am petrified of contracting AIDS. No one at my job has ever gotten any virus but we test positive samples. I follow all safety protocols and have begun more and more rituals to keep myself safe. But today I had a cold sore just starting on my forehead due to stress. I was working with one hiv positive sample and it splashed up slightly. I keep replaying it and fear it splashed far more than I remember and could have hit my forehead where I had a cold sore starting. I wiped my forehead with antiviral wipes after. I am wondering if I should get tested. I know ocd makes it worse and my coworkers say I’m fine but I feel like I need to get tested. I have already reported 2 exposure incidents that were made up in my head and got tested. I can’t separate ocd from real danger. What should I do?

My mind is telling me these are my true desires and I can't tell anymore. Help!

Hey guys just what want your opinion on something: is it just me or is it pretty offensive to hear "you've been having a bad time this year? Really? Your life seems to be going great right now". This person doesn't know I have OCD, but having gone through one of the worst attacks of my life this year, I lost my shit and kind of thought to myself, like how can this person just make an assumption like that. People are complicated and our lives are not as great as they appear on the surface. Do you just go around assuming everyones life is great and simple except yours? Sorry, sort of needed to vent but also want to know your thoughts.

Does hocd make you say things you dont want to ?

Ocd has been kicking my ass today. Whats my dumb ass do, I google shit. Working through some marriage stuff and my harm ocd loves to attack my wife and makes me question everything about me. I've had 4 people confirm I have ocd and I still question it. My NOCD therapist is off this week and haven't been able to talk to her since last Monday. Oh this is so hard. Luckily I'm meeting with my other therapist here in my area this evening. It just sucks, I've been superstitious about seeing black crows in our yard, I dont like the number that is associated with the devil, I dont really like the number 6 in general. Ugh just so much. Im mentally exhausted.

OCD??! Please help Hi I’m 17 and I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve been given medication a few months ago to deal with it (propranolol & fluoxetine). Earlier this year I was convinced I was dying, I would constantly check my pulse and look in the mirror to see if my face had gone white or yellow or a weird colour. I would google symptoms of death and compare them to my symptoms and I would also google my symptoms to see what they sounded like. Every night before I went to sleep I would say “ if I’m going to die please let it be when I’m sleeping” and sometimes I wouldn’t even sleep in case I didn’t wake up in the morning. I even made my mum take me to the hospital one time because I thought I had cancer. I didn’t. Also one time I thought I was having a heart attack and didn’t leave my bed all day for fear of collapsing as soon as I stood up, but that was just Anxiety causing chest pain. I even thought of Suicide just to get it over with because I couldn’t handle the fear anymore. But after a few months of that I start getting intrusive thoughts about children. I was so so scared and confused by these thoughts I didn’t know what to do. I thought “omg if i even have to question it then I must be that”. I would avoid going out, being around the little ones in my family. I thought I was this monster. but then I started researching and I came across ocd. Specifically pocd. And I thought omg this sounds like all my symptoms. I was reading people’s stories and watching YouTube videos on ocd and I felt relieved that I wasn’t one of them sick people. But then the doubt crept in again. And I cried and cried but then I couldn’t cry anymore. Like I physically couldn’t cry ( I think due to the antidepressant I’m taking). The thoughts went away for a few days and I felt great. But then they came back worse and I was so terrified that I actually could be capable of doing something that evil and disgusting. Then they went away again for 2 days and they came back a few days ago worse than ever. I am almost convinced that I am a p. I would literally rather die than be one of them. I’ve resulted in self harm due to these thoughts. (Punch walls, cut my wrists) and I seem to feel no pain when I do it. It’s like I’m numb. The thoughts aren’t really giving me much anxiety anymore and that scares the living hell out of me because it feels soooo real and it feels like I’m turning into that person. Every time I go out now and I see a child I literally have to hold in my emotions because all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs because I feel so guilty and panicky. No one knows about these thoughts I’m having. Also a few weeks ago I gave up. I was trying to sleep and the thoughts just took over my head so I sat up and it was dark and I just said “god please just kill me because I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live like this. If your plan for me is to make me into such an awful sick person then just kill me and let me die” I was so tired and broken I just wanted to die. But I held on for my mum. I started trying to get back to sleep again. And suddenly an image flashed through my mind of me dragging a razor blade along my throat and bleeding out. And i literally felt an urge to do it. It was terrifying. Then an image of me stabbing my mum came into my head and I literally wanted to run out of my house so i wouldn’t harm myself or anybody else. I must of fell asleep at one point. But now I am just completely exhausted physically and mentally. I just feel so done and I feel like this is the end of the line for me. My head is literally in pieces and so is my heart. For years now I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve always wanted loads of children, and I’ve always been around small children my whole life and never once had one of these thoughts about them. I just need it to stop. I need them out, or I don’t know what will happen. I feel like I’m going insane, this doesn’t feel like real life. It feels like an illusion I’ve fabricated in my head and I can’t get out. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel so weak and ashamed and scared. Does anyone know a way to deal with this please?? Thank you if you’ve read this far I don’t know what else to do.

I can't afford a therapist till at least next year...what can I do in the meanwhile?

Hello all, I started erp therapy with the nocd therapist. I just really am having trouble saying things (worst fear) and doing the exposures of my worst fear. I know erp has helped many people. Anyone here that has done well with the full treatment? Just some positive advice needed.

This feels so real i want my old life back. I hate this life so much this wasnt suppose to happen 😞

Does anyone have prison ocd? Like obsessively worrying about going to prison or getting in trouble with the law. I havent heard too many people discuss this, only a few. Its become paralyzing and taking over my thoughts and life. Ive been struggling with ocd since I was 14.

Hello, I'm a fourteen year old girl, and I was thinking about getting therapy. My OCD has been really bad since June, and I have problems with my family. I want to take a step up and try residential therapy, where I go and live where I'm getting therapy. I desperately want out of my house, not because quarantine is making me miss going out, but my family has been causing me great amounts of stress and loss of motivation. I wanna get on track with my life, I wanna be able to not let my anxiety and low motivation get in the way of my dreams. If you're reading this, do you think that taking this step would be good? I need some major advice, I'm really desperate.