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Another day where all I can do is ruminate cuz I have nothing to do but listen to music. Only thing I can do is watch college football but the only game interesting is BYU vs Coastal Carolina only cuz I want to see if the QB from BYU is worth the hype of being selected in the middle of the 1st rd. I only want to see if he’s a better decision maker and how athletic he is and what type of arm talent he has compared to my Broncos QB. Only other interesting game would be Wisconsin vs Indiana but Indiana lost there QB to a leg injury so it’s not the same.

I’m so sick of this. I can’t do anything I used to enjoy, because it all makes me feel guilty and like a fraud. And then if I think there’s no reason for me to feel that way, I think I’m going to become extreme again and cut ties with my family.

September 17th 2009 the day that changed everything in my life. It was the 3rd week of my senior football season. I was coming off of leading my team in tackles the week before and we were going against an opponent that was ranked in the state of Colorado. I was having a really good game and we were up. It was the 4th quarter and we kicked off the ball and I ran down and challenged there star running back and we collided meeting each other to see who was tougher and neither one of us moved. It was a hard hit but I didn’t move and he didn’t move so we were even. 1st time I’d ever met a dude straight up and didn’t knock him down. After the hit though my helmet felt like it was getting tighter and I couldn’t see and all I was thinking was why is my helmet feeling so tight and then it clicked to me “its not my helmet it’s my brain” it just expanded so much that it made me go blind for about 5-10 seconds. I was about to call to the sideline to take myself out but I didn’t cuz I was afraid I wouldn’t get back in so I stayed on the field and started to see a little bit and was able to get lined up and as soon as the other team snapped the ball my vision came back and I was ready to go. They threw a pass so I wasn’t in danger or anything. The very next play they threw another pass in my area and they completed it but my teammate made them fumbled and I ran seeing the receiver trying to recover it and instead of going for the ball I laid out the receiver so that my teammate could recover the fumble and we did and that was that. By then that fumble sealed are win. That was my last good game of the year. I wasn’t the same after that. My play was suffering and my grades too were suffering. I wasn’t supposed to play in the homecoming game but a couple of my teachers didn’t turn in my grade which made me eligible but not eligible. It was the 1st time that during the football season I wasn’t averaging a 3.0 gpa or higher. It was only when football season was over where my grades would slip. I could also tell that I just didn’t have the same the drive to play football. My demeanor for the 1st 3 games of the season was completely different from the rest of my season. I wanted to prove how good I was and after those 3 games I didn’t care anymore. After that game my life afterwards has been sealed and shut. 11 years later I’m where I was going to be after that hit. Even if I would’ve had a family as early as I wanted to I would still feel empty and lifeless. So it’s a good thing I didn’t have one cuz I’m going to fail regardless. I can do all the therapy I want to and I will still feel empty. I’ll have good days or good couple of hrs in a day but for the most part I’ll be sad and alone. I can take all the medication I want to take and it wouldn’t make a difference in my life. I know this now cuz after 2 yrs of therapy I still only have moments of being good but not everlasting. I’ve been sometimes diagnosed with bipolar disorder, psychosis, ocd, depression, and anxiety but nothing really conclusive or my therapist’s never want to fully give me a proper diagnosis or tell me since they can’t figure it out either or don’t want to tell me cuz they don’t want me to feel as if I’m some crazy person and do something stupid or whatever. All these symptoms all indicate to me one thing but I won’t actually know till I die cuz you can’t diagnose someone with CTE until they’re dead. I’ll know for sure in the next couple of years of how bad my mental health gets and if it gets worse then I’ll know I have CTE. If I get better than I don’t. But as I’ve seen throughout out my life my mental health just keeps getting worse and worse even with therapy my mental health is still worse. I just know how to cope with it better now than I did before but it still doesn’t change the fact of what I have to go through on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why the last time I had a therapy session with my previous therapist she couldn’t keep a straight face of telling me that she thinks that I will at least enjoy a life of independence and be somewhat ok. Who knows maybe she was trying to trigger me or something. But like I said I’ll know in the next couple of years of what’s really wrong with me and then decide then on what to do with my life.

For everyone that has hocd I realized I’ve struggled with this since around 11th grade and now I’m a freshman in college it all started randomly sometimes I’d look over at a man or someone in locker room and instantly think omg am I attracted to them and I’d start to get super nervous and anxious but when I had feelings for a women or was dating a girl it rarely happend then it started to happen a lot in college and when I moved home I obsess about it I test myself almost everyday and get no arousal from thinking of or seeing same sex stuff only still from opposite sex but these thoughts still try to twist my mind everytime I try to convince myself I’m straight or otherwise they twist it saying oh what about that one time see those thoughts this hocd feeds off of fear as long as we keep trying to push them out the more they find ways to stay it almost feels like there is no way to beat it and that u have to accept that ur gay and just start moving on with men but deep down u know ur straight and all ur feelings ur whole life point to it is it like this for anyone else I feel like the thoughts have completely taken over I feel lost and hopeless now like I’ve just been doubting all along even though I’ve had 2 therapists tell me it’s hocd/intrusive thoughts

Is there anyone on here who has actually beat this thing, because I am really starting to lose hope.. 12 years I have been fighting and I’m slowly starting to give up, I don’t think I have the strength in me to keep this up much longer... I have tried everything you can think of and none of it seems to help me, and now I’m starting to feel like it’s all pointless, I feel like I’ve already wasted most of my life, so by the time I got better i feel like it would be too late to do all the things I wanted to do.. I’m 22 and I know that’s young but there’s so many things I wanted to have accomplished by now, and now those years are all down the drain, and I don’t see any sign of me getting better anytime soon, so why should I waste more time?

Does hocd make you feel attraction to same gender and feelings ?. The thought of being gay depresses me 😞

does anybodys OCD make them think that they will have to act on there thoughts one day? I have harm OCD towards my little girl. its like my mind is saying "you will have to do it someday because its what you want" struggling so much please anyone who can relate.

Hi guys. Doing certain jobs around the house can become unpleasant. I have a problem with contamination. Even washing my hands can get out of hand. I also have intrusive thoughts.... Help?

Scrupulosity How do people get over scrupulosity?

I'm feeling so down right now. I saw an inappropriate post and I am afraid I want to be like that. In addition I really want a job but I am too afraid that I will feel to responsible and become bad or that someone will make fun of me for being good and I will become bad. My main fesr is becoming or wanting to become a bad person. I am so sad

How to stop missing a toxic ex ?

Why does it feel so real rn? Its feels like im a lesbian and i’ve accepted it Like i keep getting constant intrusive images of kissing my friends, my mind keeps saying “what if you were in a threesome with so & so?”, or asking if i’d date my best friends and yeah:( It feels like i like it but i also don’t It feels fake but also so real I don’t want this at all, i really don’t

Health OCD: I suffer with health OCD. I’m constantly worried about getting sick and I always convince myself that the smallest hint of something could be cancer. That being said, when something really does go wrong, I completely spiral. Something has gone wrong: I have had an irregular period and intense abdomen pain for over a month. I went to various OBGYNs who failed to diagnose me with anything. I felt like either the doctors were wrong or I was blowing it out of proportion, but my gut told me I needed to figure it out because of how bad the pain was. Yesterday morning I went to a new obgyn who told me I probably had a pelvic infection. He was angered that no one has diagnosed me and I’d gone over a month with it. He put me on antibiotics and asked me to take them immediately. I am waiting on test results. My biggest fear is infertility. I’m terrified that I will either be diagnosed with cancer or that the infection has made me infertile. I can’t stop googling and reading about how pelvic infections can cause infertility. My obsessions are out of control and my fiancé doesn’t know how to react to my panic attacks. I feel very alone and would appreciate some advice on how to handle this. Thank you

Extremely triggering for HOCD - just a warning The scariest thing someone had ever said to me is that gay people can have HOCD and fear being gay.

I’m incredibly panicked; I found out about HOCD two weeks after my obsession started seven years ago, but I was a child. I was only 12. I didn’t understand that I needed to see a doctor, I didn’t even really understand OCD. I think I really don’t have it, because it didn’t just start with a random thought and then panic, it was like a slow build of thoughts as I spent time alone over Christmas break. This is the worst part: I have this memory of reading a yahoo answers page in which the writer was describing that she kind of “WANTED” to be gay and me agreeing with her. I AGREED WITH HER. I WANTED TO END UP GAY AT THE BEGINNING. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? IVE SPENT 7 YEARS IN AGONY. I CANT DO THIS. I DONT HAVE OCD. I DONT THINK I CAN GO ON. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST TELL ME IF THIS IS OCD

I am excited but knowing I'm going to pay for my books and I'm going to be okay but for some reason I got like anxious feelings until I get the books actually mailed out it's like over anxious feelings I start college in January

hi my names haley a few years ago i experienced something that i now know is intrusive thoughts, they were different to the ones i get now, they could be like ‘that lady is ugly’ or ‘you don’t really want to be friends with her’ they were minor really but they really bothered me and i used to panic over them, a lot. i am currently in a one year relationship and he is my everything, he is there for me, he makes me happy, we have a great sex life and just he is everything i could ask for. since it is covid he had to quarantine away from me for two weeks as he had been in contact with someone with corona, about a week into not seeing him i got a random thought that i liked a guy that i had no interest in what so ever, it made me panic a lot, it then lead to me getting at thought ‘you don’t really like your boyfriend’ and of course this made me panic more, i panicked and cried and had extreme panic attacks for days that i was falling out of love, i then realised that this was me obsessing over my thought to the point it felt real, the realisation helped and i read an article about someone who had the same, and i felt so much better knowing it was just in my head and that i would get over it. the following few days with my love were great and i was able to feel at ease. i was scrolling through my instagram and i clicked on someone’s account who’s bio said that they were lesbian, for some reason this triggerd a thought in my head saying ‘you like girls too’ ‘your a lesbian’ ‘your bi’ and i freaked out a lot because i have never worried about my sexuality much, i have found girls attractive but not in a relationship or sexual way, that thought has set of a chain of thoughts about me being bisexual in my head when i almost know im not. i have been trying to visualise me doing sexual things with a girl or me being a relationship with a girl to try and get reassurance, but i’m so stressed out about it that i simply don’t feel any emotions when i think about them. i will do things like imagine me feeling a woman’s boobs to see if would like it or imagine myself having sex with a woman. it doesn’t feel right, i couldn’t imagine myself having sex with a woman or a relationship with one but i have almost convinced myself that it’s something i would like or would do i cant stop freaking out about it. to the point i am now wondering if i should break up with my boyfriend to find myself ? i couldn’t bare life without him but i can’t help but wonder if i should someone please help :/

Hey everyone. I’m a little confused how ERP works with things like existential OCD. Like I’m not sure how to sit with the thoughts without comforting myself because it just comes automatically to me you know? I’m new to this so I probably just need some practice but any tips would be appreciated!

does anyone have a problem reading the Bible or exploring their religion? i want to read the Bible but i don’t wanna read something i question or don’t agree with and then it sets off a new theme for me. for example i can’t watch any videos of atheists because i’m afraid i’ll become one or start to question God (i don’t have any problem w atheists it’s just not who i am). i want to kinda explore my religion because i want to understand it more but at the same time don’t want to mess w my mind. any tips?

I want to be open with my partner about my relationship anxiety in the moment, but hearing about the heaviness of my feelings time and time again has pushed him away. How do I cope with my ROCD without pushing my partner away? He’s open to hearing me talk about it sometimes but not as often as I do.