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So I need too talk too someone about a situation.

First, let me preface this with that I am not seeking reassurance with this post. I just need to put it out into the ether. I’ve had OCD in one form or another my entire life. Only last June it morphed into rOCD really bad and I had a nervous breakdown. With all the stress that I am under not only as a teacher during COVID, but a mother of two young children, I’ve been spiking like crazy. Everything my husband does annoys me. He is dealing with his own mental health issues but self medicated daily with booze and pot. He has just started seeing a virtual therapist. My sex drive is at an all time low and when I’m spiking I don’t even want to be touched. He has worked really hard in a short amount of time to be supportive and understanding of my triggers, but sometimes his human side comes out and he makes me feel bad about my OCD. “I just want to have sex with my wife. You don’t love me anymore, I disgust you.” Which of course makes me spike even more. I know avoiding sex is part of my compulsions but I’m just so mentally, emotionally, and physically taxed that sex is the furthest thing from my mind. He, at times, can be cruel and spiteful and almost give me the silent treatment the next day after he’s asked for sex and I’ve said no. I just don’t know what to do. I’m also on an SSRI which could be affecting my libido. I know it’s not fair to him at all and any normal person would be frustrated by me. Any ideas on how to quell the rage and resentment that he has against me is greatly appreciated.

So I'm going through ERP. My partner and I have agreed a hierarchy. One of the items we are tackling is packages coming into the house. I wasnt letting my partner do it so this was the task. I agreed with my therapist that it is reasonable to ask my partner to dispose of the outer packaging and let the stuff thats inside sit in a clean area and that she would wash her hands afterwards and inwoukdnt challenge her or follow behind cleaning up. Or doing any safety behaviours. This is fine buy I just feel that she is so so thoughtless. I told her only yesterday that every morning I wake up I am anxious for about an hour until I come round. on top of that she knows that I am not sleeping, I get about 2 hours from 6am every day. While I was sleeping this morning a package came and instead of leaving it on the doorstep as we normally do she just brought it in and opened it etc. Now I know that essentially what she did was right but it didn't give me a chance to challenge the ocd in a controlled way. I woke up.already anxious and saw that a package had arrived and she just did what she liked. On top.of all that today is the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. I'm just anxious full stop. She thinks she supports me well but she really has no consideration or understanding for me I feel. I said to her today that whilst essentially what she did was right I had told her that I wake up anxious every morning and it would of been better to wait to do the behavioural experiment when I was fully conscious and I wasn't in already such a heightened state. It took me about an hour to calm down and ti be honest I'm still not calm. I am angry and resentful and I just keep focusing on points where she could have touched with contaminated hands and focusing on all the negatives of her personality and our relationship. I feel alot of the time that I would rather live on my own during this pandemic and not have her triggering my ocd or have tohave the guilty feeling about making her feel like crap and trapped because of the restrictions ocd puts on her. While I was trying to calm down I was thinking about ways that I could just finish things and move out. I know that I would be alot more lonely without her but it would be less difficult to manage my ocd and it wouldn't change things really as I look after myself in the house anyway...i cook, I clean, I do the washing I support and care for myself as she dies nothing except order takeaways and ear crap. She would never eve think of cooking a dinner for us. I might aswell live on my own anyway as the conversation is scant and so is the affection. I know that ocd has affected my mood and I'm.deoressed and anxious all the time aswell as having had preliminary diagnosis of MS. But I feel wholey unsupported and uncared for by her and quite lonely actually. I know she may feel that way too but 8 do TRY ti make her feel.less that way. I cook her meals and try ti be affectionate but the she just doesn't listen. Never hears me. And doesn't even listen or stop to think about ocd and how to approach it with me, as in working the way up the hierarchy in the correct way. I just feel unsupported and there is no way that I can say that to her as she is sensitive at the moment and takes everything as a criticism. I said ti her that whilst what she did this morning was essentially correct it would of been better ti wait considering I told her on waking up im in a high state of anxiety already. She just made a face and ignored me. How can I work with that?? I'm so depressed at the minute and unhappy in every aspect of my life. I know she must feel that way too but I can only manage my own feeling and im not doing very well at that. Sorry to all who reads this for it being a very long post im just very down at the moment

So I have a general problem that I don't think is centered around OCD by itself, but a more human problem. So aside from my OCD worries I'm constantly worried, unconfident, and unsure about my sex life. I'm 19 and I've never had a girlfriend before. As much as I desired wanting a girlfriend and always dreaming of settling down with one, I never felt ready. I'm still not ready. There are some friends that are girls and I really enjoy their company. When I was a kid I used to have a fear of girls and that went away through getting older. When I was younger I had my innocence. I didn't know about sexual things. And I'm glad it stayed that way for as long as it could. I had fun when I was younger, and I got to explore way more with confidence. I got to be with more people, and I got to achieve dreams of mine. Ever since I discovered porn unintentionally, it's skewed a lot of perspectives for me when it comes to anything sexual. Because of pornography, I've tried to engage in sexual exploration with people near my age. Mostly online. Looking back, I didn't enjoy what became of that and I still don't now. I didn't enjoy that I had gotten hooked on pornography. I didn't enjoy that looked at the things. To keep it short, I'm not comfortable with sexual activity resolving around others. I'm not happy that I got curious about sexual things either. I'm aware that people have had to make mistakes in order to understand things in life but it's hard to say the same for myself. I want to keep sexual things out of my life, but that seems so impossible now. So many things are sexualized, and I have triggers that are all over the place. Usually I want to avoid it all, but I can't. I end up relapsing, and googling compulsively. Currently trying my best to escape pornography and anything remotely sexual that can appear online, but I know that's not 100% possible. I'm trying not to care about it either, but I can't help it. I just didn't know who to turn to for sexual advice at this time. I always feel guilty when I use erotic videos and pictures or things in attracted to in women because these things can link to terrible things in the industry or society in general. I always feel bad about these things even though I shouldn't. I don't know if I should tell someone about this or journal it to myself. Maybe I'm taking a risk by talking about it on here. Maybe I'm hoping that someone can relate in terms of dealing with these sexual insecurities, not that I want them to be dealing with them. I don't know. I just always thought that my life was perfectly okay without anything sexual. The mistakes that I constantly worry about always have to do with being sexually curious. And I just wish that I never was sometimes. I always think about sexual things. I don't know if they're intrusive or not. I don't know if it's okay for me to be thinking about sexual things this much at this age. I don't know if it's okay if I still don't know how things work sexually. I don't know if it's okay or not that I've made sexual mistakes whether it'd be years ago or even a couple months ago. I'm uncertain about all of these things, and I feel like not dealing with sexual things and avoiding them as much as possible may help.

tmi and nsfw warning.... i was masturbating earlier and couldn’t think of anything to turn me on but then this porno i watched years ago popped into my head (it was of a mom and a daughter masturbating) and i kept thinking about it and orgasmed from the thoughts and now i’m freaking out hours later cause that’s such a fucked up porno and idk why i came thinking about it it makes me so disgusted i fucking hate myself

Quick story time: when I was in 5th grade my mom and her friends let’s make her (Susan) told me I needed to grow my boobs bigger because that attracted boys. In fucking fifth gradeee. When I was 10. And Susan and My mom would compare me to Susan’s daughter who already was tall and had big boobs. Lmao. They said I needed to eat more and be more like her. So low key that affected me to this day because now I’m 15 and I don’t wear t shirt or one layer shirt because I don’t have boobs yet and it also paranoid me that people will make fun of me for having no boobs.

Would God punish me for my sins with my moms death? Or even punish her because of my sins?

I have a confusing question to ask: So several times on this app people have told others to focus on the present and not the past or future or be worried about those two things, which is very good. I'm glad people are helping with those answers in mind. But, what do they really mean by this when said? Does it mean that the present is what's making the future to begin with and the past doesn't matter because it's the past? What if the past comes back into the present and ruins my future? What if there is no future to begin with? Depending on my mood, I have thoughts about the past and future and they seem negative and I use my phone as a compulsion to distract myself from it but am I doing everything right? I keep thinking of the mistakes that had happened months ago and I keep thinking that I deserve to be locked behind a cell for these things or that I'll be beaten to death by groups of people. These specific thoughts keep reoccurring and I want them to go away. I'm worried that they're true.

I don’t know who to turn to. I am majorly depressed. I just had a panic attack/breakdown, and my parents are blaming me, saying I can control it. I have lived with untreated OCD all 17 years of my life. I’m so overwhelmed. My parents say I’m being ridiculous, and am letting my anxiety define me, and using it as a crutch. I’m really not, it’s just gotten so out of hand because it’s been untreated my whole life. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t see a way out of the darkness. I have no friends, and am homeschooled because I have Lyme disease, so I basically don’t leave the house. I feel like a crazy person. Any advice? I’ll probably delete this.

Hello, I am Nathan Longmuir from MA USA and I'm 16 years old. This is my first time trying this so if I can't find a way to reply to people or thank people I am not being rude to anyone. If I ramble or repeat something I apologize. This will be long BUT PLEASE stay with me! I need help and advice. I don't know how to start, so I chose to make an account because I have been suffering from terrible HOCD with what you would call groinal response and hyper awareness of my groin area. After looking into my life far it seems I've always had OCD and OCD behaviors. Like constantly asking my mom if a toy is broken a hundred times and constantly scanning every inch of it constantly. It seemed like my OCD was always in the background when I was very young but stopped around fourth grade. Fourth grade was also the only time it was even close to as bad as it is now. I accidently said “I swear to god” in my head once when lying so I was convinced I was going to go to hell, I constantly asked my mom if I would throughout the day and I was constantly crying. I started praying at least once every 10 minutes and my life was like, well hell. Then it magically stopped. I've tried to analyze that time period asking myself, “How did I beat this last time?” and I can't find anything. Anyway after that I had almost no OCD behavior or excessive intrusive thoughts until now, in 10th grade 6 years later. It seems a lot of things led up to this, like being in my house 24/7 with a bad stressful school schedule due to covid, and no change of scenery whatsoever. I live in the remote woods too. I had a few little OCD obsessions that lasted around a week each before this one, one obsession was created by me saying a German WW2 plane looked cool. So my brain called me a N@ZI for awhile. Another was I was scared I'd hurt my family. It was started because someone my age killed their family, so the OCD said things like “I want to kill my family” and “I'm a murderer”. I had what seems to be POCD for a week before the HOCD, that obsession was created because someone said online my name sounds like a great name for a Pedo. I constantly said I'd never do something like that to a child and I would rather die. Then it was replaced by the HOCD. Thanks for reading this far. I've been having these HOCD thoughts and obsessions for somewhere between 70-85 days and it's the worst thing I have ever experienced. It constantly calls me gay and says things I dont agree with whatsoever. I have always liked women only, I remember liking girls since first grade! The thing I want the most in this world is a beautiful wife who loves and cares about me and to be a father. I had a beautiful girlfriend last year who I deeply cared about and we dated for about 6 months, then something very sad happened. When I was with her I was very happy and confident and in love and I miss her very much. I AM LOSING MY MIND. I have held a knife to my jugular twice with full intent to push it in, the only reason why I didn't was I didn't want to devastate my family. I want it to stop no matter the cost. I almost decided to get high off medicine, but I knew that it would put me down another dark path. I almost decided to overdose on medicine as well, since it would be a much more clean death and more peaceful. I have gone from an A and high B student to one B, four C’s, a D, and a F this term. My room looks disgusting and messy. I now have ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE ANXIETY about anything related to the HOCD. I now have HORRIBLE DEPRESSION. I apologise if it sounds nasty, but I can't masturbate anymore because the HOCD thoughts get worse while doing it. I still get aroused by women but slower than before. The worst thing about the HOCD is the groinal response and hyperawareness, I accidently started it when a HOCD thought popped up and I said something along the lines of, “What you say isn't true, I'm not aroused by this and never will. I'm not hard either” so I started to say that whenever they came up. So by doing that I screwed myself over because by me focusing my attention on my penis area I started to feel a uncomfortable feeling and a little movement whenever a HOCD thought shows up or if anything reminds me of it so the HOCD basically says,”WHAT I SAID WAS TRUE”. I never get erections or anything like that, I just wanted to clear that up. SInce it started I avoid members of the same sex a bit, but I realize it makes the OCD worse so I have almost stopped that. I hardly watch TV or play video games because it gives me anxiety now. I've been trying to stop avoiding “triggers” because it reinforces the OCD and I have seen a bit of improvement but I'm far from better. You are probably asking yourself, “If it's this bad, why hasn't he gotten help? Medication? Seen a therapist? Hes considering suicide for gods sake!” Well since I've been 4 Ive always wanted to join the United States Marines, a military branch so I can defend my country and its people. They don't let you join with a history of anxiety especially OCD. If I go to a therapist, talk to a doctor, or get medication it goes on my record and I'm instantly disqualified for military service…. Forever. That's why I have not seeked help, or even told my parents about it. I am suffering in silence to protect my dream. I've always looked up to our armed forces and I have an autographed picture of Audie Murphy, the most decorated american soldier from WW2 in my room. I took it down because I don't want the OCD to contaminate my thinking of him. I am in tears as I had to type that. So the only help I can ask for is on here, I need advice on how to ignore the OCD and the groinal response. Please. I'd like words of encouragement as well. I want to be myself again. Please help me all of you. This was my first post on this app awhile ago. I'm posting it so people can relate to it and hopefully feel better. I still suffer from this and still would appreciate advice.

Is this ocd? I few years ago I had a thought of a quality in my partner that wasn’t “perfect” or I viewed as a slight deficiency. Over time as our relationship grew it went from a random thought to something I fixated on and wished I could change. Then when we got engaged and more involved with my family, it actually began to send me into an anxiety panic frenzy. I feel a wave of anxiety and have even had a panic attack when seeing the “flaw”. It’s to the point now I just wish I could not have the anxiety, I don’t even care about the “flaw” anymore. It’s just the feeling I get from seeing it. Like a wave of anxiety, disappointment, worry, wanting to correct it, etc. I am confused if this is OCD or just me being an asshole about someone’s supposed imperfections. Idk what to do, I am driving myself crazy. Is it ocd?

I've been working on a really hard exposure recently. I feel bad because I'm doing it, but not following my therapists advice the way I should. It just feels like I've had more clarity and my thoughts really feel like the hocd is true. I'm not feeling as much anxiety and I feel like I don't feel alot of feelings towards men because it's just not what I want and I'm not attracted to them and just thought I was. I'm not sure if I'm just really far down the rabbit hole. I'm not following my therapists advice and I feel bad, but I also feel this way. Just not sure what to do......

I just want to love women and not be gay or bisexual in denial. and especially not a disgusting pedo in denial. I just don’t have the energy to be anxious anymore.

I drove in a city today and my hit and run ocd is really bad now

Anyone with HOCD or ROCD get super anxious or scared about the future. Like my girlfriend will talk about getting married or kids and I get super damn anxious and get a anxious feeling in my stomach, when before all this these things used to make me happy. Anyone? Like wth now I’m so so confused.

Long update. I can’t BELIEVE that after I was SO terrified of catching STDs from toilets etc and it resulting in a potential, breakup - I *CHOSE* to leave him myself!! 🤦🏼‍♀️ In hindsight, I’m pretty sure he was always manipulative, and I just didn’t see it in the beginning. I was naive and wanted SO desperately to be loved, and have the real thing. I really thought he was a unicorn. I think it was love bombing, and subtle manipulative behaviour in the beginning. Whisking me away on holidays, dinners, gifts, surprises, talking deep about trauma etc. He was also hinting at stopping seeing me before we got attached “because his mental ex in the picture wasn’t fair on me” without EVER leaving me, combined with my abandonment fears from past relationships, and ALSO, physical symptoms (BV, thrush etc) that caused a recipe for disaster. I kept panicking “what if I catch an std from a toilet, he thinks I cheated and leaves me”. I kept getting into complete states, getting repeatedly tested, phoning sexual health helplines, asking friends and family and googling obsessively to check I was safe from abandonment. Anyway. During lockdown, it turned extremely outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive. He was hiding litres of spirits and drinking them neat “secretly”. He was becoming an alcoholic (before that even, I think) but talked the talk during good cycles and rinse and repeat. I couldn’t keep up with his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. I was very confused and concerned about him. He was drinking a litre of vodka a day and I believed he’d didn’t REALLY think I’m a “fucking slut, c*nt, bitch, whore, depressing” etc. He would buy gifts to say sorry, he was mortified! Then, do something else shitty again, then when I demanded another apology says “if you can’t accept my apology you can’t accept gifts. I’m sending them back”. I had to do all cooking cleaning shopping and made him counselling appointments, took him to the doctor while I worked a full time job at home too. His ex claimed he said he still loved her, but she’s also EXTREMELY toxic, so I have to try to ignore that. Claims he had secrets with her too. (She’s shown up unannounced at the house, threatened to brick his windows etc.) they still work together and own a business together but she’s having an affair with a married man. They text each other platonically s lot, but he would refuse to show me full messages and text threads and when I’d snatch the phone from him to look myself, he would go bananas. One time, he chased me in front of my mother and got rough trying to get the phone back from me. He claims he deleted messages to stop it from putting ideas in my head as he knows I hate her, but he’s the one who encouraged me to hate her when we met? He would claim they only speaks about work and dogs they share but it was other stuff too. He also messaged a girl from years ago he met on holiday and implied IM childish because it was on Instagram, and that meant I was somehow childish? Because I use Instagram too? He told me he deleted his account then it reappeared. He also wanted me to move in with him - but leave my cats at my mothers house, when he continued to co parent fucking DOGS with his ex. He can’t see how unfair this is. He even said once we could compromise and move the cars there, but if his ex goes on holiday, my cats have to go back to my mothers for as long as she’s on a holiday, so “their” dogs can stay with us. I started to say I feel second priority and he swears I am not. I kept turning a blind eye so not to be “over sensitive and petty”. He says his behaviour and comments are all drink, not the real him. And I shouldn’t blast him because he understands MY OCD and that apparently has a profound effect on HIM- therefore i need to understand him. He would argue irrationally at me for hours and have me in tears not listening to my concerns and tell me to stop cuz he wants a quiet life. He also would tell me “if we split, you do realise you’ll ONLY end up with a man tied to HIS crazy ex and 5 kids, right?” He’s 40. I’m 27! 🤦🏼‍♀️ He implied I had no options, am running out of time, all men are the same etc. I’m getting old, cuz I’m “nearly 30” and implied I hadn’t achieved as much as him. He’d make “jokes” about my “stubby fingers” (I’m slim!) , say I’m about to get “grey pubes” and call me sensitive and say it was affectionate banter between partners. He said certain thing only I would be upset by which I learned is called “dog whistling”. He implied I was “only there for the good times” like it’s a bad thing? He tried to triangulate my mother and I, his sister and I, my friend and I and obviously I DO already dislike his ex. He said “your mother said you were always an angry person” and got offended when I called him out for his lies. Said his sister told him “he could leave me and find someone else like THAT!” And said my friend said things she didn’t say too. He hid objects from me when I looked for them and I found them in really stupid places unexpectedly. He would deny deny deny it all. I had to voice record most interactions and he had aggressive tendencies although he never hit me. He pressed his nose to mine twice and screamed in my face, he’s thrown glass at a wall in a drunken rage before and repeatedly told me to “get the fuck out of my fucking house” and vehemently deny it even happened. When I did leave for a break, he would tell people I CHOSE to and I don’t let him I how where HE stands with me! He’s driven ANGRILY fast when I challenge him, scaring me a lot. Locked me out the house twice and blamed me. He also stole photos of mine and blamed it on me (sexy photos from a past relationship I didn’t know I had.) He snooped my iPad after guessing my passcode, went to a 6 year old text thread with my ex, downloaded them sent them to his iPad and baited an argument with me. Then took the moral high ground like “oh gosh how did that happen? You must have logged in with iCloud I’m so confused god let me delete them it’s uncomfortable it wasn’t ever meant for my eyes”. I left last week. After about 3 hours arguing over him drinking lying and manipulating, me crying him shouting and me banging my head on a wardrobe, I left. He followed me the next day came to my flat to talk. I said it isn’t working I can’t do it I’m sorry. He cried and pleaded for 3 hours. Then, he accidentally showed me a text he sent to HIS EX and wouldn’t show me the other messages. Same scenario. I snatched the phone, he got aggressive and overpowered me to retrieve it. Makes it seem really shifty. He got in my face said “I’ll hold my fucking phone THANK YOU” so I said fine get out I assume you’re cheating then 🤷🏼‍♀️ so he shoved the phone into my chest hard, said “FINE HAVE THE FUCKIBG PHONE” so I kicked him out for his a. Texting his ex and b. Aggressive BS. He stayed outside my place for 4 hours ringing my doorbell and phone.100 times. Phoned my mother and added my friend on instagram. I maintain the split. I am finally at peace! But he’s contacting my mother saying it can be fixed he wants couples counselling etc and I’m like nope 👎🏻 Sorry I don’t know why I’m posting. I need support I think, even if I do feel better 💕 I’m back at my flat (thank god I didn’t give it up) and I’ll get my kitties back soon!

I wish this never happened

Can someone just read this? I'm starting to get really afraid this is true. This whole thing is terrible like hell. What scares me even more is I learned some tricks to decrease the thoughts and they have worked but the groinal response is still there and it's terrible. Last night I was watching TV despite the anxiety and tried not responding to the thoughts anxiety or the response. Leading up to the terrible response I was thinking of a attractive woman about 5 seconds before it happened. Then a close-up of a fellow male popped up on a commercial. A little blood went down there. Not enough to even change its size but it scared the shit out of me. Was it me thinking about that woman? Increased blood flow from Anxiety? I turned off the TV and my hands started shaking, shaking has been a recent product of this. The thought of being with a man especially sex is still revolting to me through the entirety of this. ( If I offended anyone I didn't mean too ). I've been in relationships with women and loved it, I have always enjoyed sex with women. But what's up with the groinal response bullshit? All I've ever wanted is a wife and kids and I feel it's being ripped from me. I really hope this is OCD. People here have gone over 15 years with this and I can't take five months? I can barely take this anymore. I want to be myself again. Is that too much to ask God?

i can’t even focus for one second while having sex with my boyfriend now. it’s like intrusive thoughts are just on a loud speaker the entire time. this is getting worse

I am not sure if listening to Podcasts about Late blooming lesbians is a good exposure or if it works like a compulsion... yesterday I struggled a little more than I used to with SO-OCD and now I wonder if I should resume listening to them again to practice "more" ERP... but I also feel like this would give me more control over the thoughts and feelings and relief to know I did a tough Exposure.. so maybe it would be a better way to just accept and acknowledge the presence of the thoughts without trying to reduce them by listening to an Episode ?