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the NOCD Community

Oof. Every time my mind isn’t occupied by a new task, I find myself ruminating on a really upsetting thread on our neighborhood’s social media. It was so bad at the time, that my Fitbit tracked a big spike in my pulse. I try to keep redirecting back to the moment or doing a breathing exercise when I catch myself ruminating. (Luckily, my personal time limit for Facebook has just kicked in.) Is that avoidance? I haven’t figured out exercises for ruminating yet. I’m not in a panic, but my heart rate is definitely not at “calm”.

It keeps telling me to hurt a child and that its okay to hurt a child. I dont know if thats me or that’s intrusive thoughts. Why dont I feel anxiety, am i okay with this? Do i feel anxiety? Do i think this okay or am i forcing myself to believe its not okay? Is anyone dealing with the same thing?

I’m making this post for anyone to tell me if this sounds like ocd or denial. Im an all state football linebacker who’s always found love for lifting weights and being with my friends. Im also a catholic. I’ve always been a really happy person. One thing to know is my dad was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I’m not sure if it’s ocd or not. I’ve also always been attracted to females, and never guys. I’ve only watched gay porn once before when I was 12 as experimentation, and it never felt right so I just never watched again. Now this begins back in July of 2020. I was on vacation at the beach when I was at this gym, and I met my gym idol. I was going to take a picture with him and I grabbed his trap really awkwardly. I thought “he probably thinks I’m gay” then I thought “what if I am gay”.Later that day my uncle (who was drunk at the time) was trying to get me to walk up to random girls and ask to take a picture. When I refused (because I thought it was weird to walk up to random people for pictures, and also because I have social anxiety and low confidence) he asked me if I was gay. But at this point in time the anxiety was very mild, and football started the next week, so it left my mind as fast as the thought came in. So throughout the entire football season, the anxiety basically wasn’t there. There was no question of my sexuality, no knowledge that this ocd even existed. Although something to note is that throughout football, the fear of me somehow getting CTE (a brain condition from head trauma) gave me some anxiety, and I frequently asked my parents for MRI’s, even though I haven’t even had a concussion before. But the season came and went, and I was insanely excited for the offseason where I could get better at what I love the most. Fast forward to November of 2020, and the last game of football just ended. One day I was thinking back on my last game and I recalled to myself that one of the players had perfect teeth. I spiraled into a panic. I was getting teeth pulled the next day, and was terrified that while I was loopy on medicine I would confess that I was falsely gay. What happened was much worse. My sister ended up getting COVID, and I was quarantined for 2 weeks. The very first thought I had to myself was “wow this is it, I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about this”. And I was exactly right. The next 2 weeks were one of the worst of my life, I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. Throughout the past year before that I only cited twice (once when we lost a big game and once when my father was in an accident) and I was bawling my eyes out for hours every single day. This is when I first learned about hocd, and considered the possibility that I could have it. I was really excited to get out of quarantine, because I thought the thoughts would just go away once everything went back to normal. And to an extent they did. For about 2 weeks extending from Thanksgiving break, I felt decent, and just wrote it off as hocd. I felt like I’d be able to accomplish my goals and get rid of this disease. The time is mid December, and I go for my yearly checkup with my pediatrician. He gives me my physical exam, which gives me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. I keep thinking to myself, wondering if I like it or not. Later that day, I started doing even more research about hocd, and found this one forum of a man saying how hocd is just a coping mechanism for closeted people. This pushed me over the edge. I couldn’t stop freaking out or crying. In my life, I’ve never fell below an A in any class, and here I was failing almost 3. This was by far the worst time of my life. Things did get better however, because my relentless research did get me reassurance. I stumbled alongside a YouTube video explaining the difference between hocd and denial, and one of the comments said “here’s a simple answer, if you’re watching this video, you have hocd”. I was thrilled at this, and things got better for quite a bit, but the baseline anxiety and thoughts never went away. Things got really good in the second half of January, because I gave up masturbation for a short period of time. One of the things I’ve noticed is that when I don’t masturbate, the built up sexual drive I have gives me reassurance that I’m not gay. I was also excited because school was starting back up full time again, and being around my friends always made me feel better. Things got better, and I thought me being cured was right around the corner Here comes the month of February. We got drilled with a huge blizzard almost every week and the thoughts and feelings came back. The thoughts are trying to tell me that I’ve always known I was gay, even though that’s not true. I’ve always been straight. I started to research ocd again and found another article of people saying hocd is just denial and found a YouTube video of a man saying that even if you have hocd, you still might be gay. And that leads me to typing this right now. There have been times where I’ve begged God to help me, or asked why I deserve this, even though I’m not super into my faith. I know reassurance is bad, but I need something to get through this week and stay motivated to lift. The thoughts are telling me I want to look feminine, which is insane because I’ve been obsessed with bodybuilding and fitness my entire life. If no reassurance can be given about my situation, can someone just give me reassurance that hocd is a real thing, not just a coping mechanism? If you read this far, thank you so much for hearing me out and please let me know what you think. Thanks again

i heard p*dos sometimes feel distress over their attraction towards children?? idk what to think anymore....

Why is there so much studf about pedophiles every where. Im tired of clicking off video or skipping things. Like understand why children are everywhere by why pedophiles. Can people shut up about it. Im watching a stream right now and there talking about dude with child porn in his discord and now i think I want to go to his discord. I keep having intrusive thoughts like “you gotta look that up” or “ come on, we need to go to his discord” or “i like grooming, let groom people.” Sometimes its like “pedophillia is okay, lets watch child porn.” Its so annoying. Why are they everywhere. Im tired of feeling sick and nauseous. Im tired it trying to tell me im a pedophile, its annoying. Its weird because two years ago, i hates children but everytime I think that its telling me that im faking my hage and want to touch them. I dont want to be near them, its sickening. Why is this happening now? i cant watch shows woth children in them because it says i like the shows because children are in them but I cant skip the show because apparently skipping the show makes ocd worse. Like why are there so much children everywhere? And why are people talking pedophiles so much? Im tired of it.

i need help... recently my brain has been saying "ur sexually attracted to inanimate objects" or "ur sexually attracted to school subjects" and i feel like im going crazy and i tried googling it and i didnt find anything related to ocd but i found something called objectumsexual and now im scared and crying...pls help i feel like im the only one

Social media triggers me so much.

Does anybody else have to take something to fall asleep every night? I hate that I can’t fall asleep on my own because of my mind keeping me up. I envy people that can just fall asleep on their own :(

Hey guys. i’m a 14 year old female and i think i may be struggling from HOCD. My reason for this is because i really struggle setting aside thoughts about my sexual orientation. Growing up i always wanted to marry a man and have kids but up untill now there’s something in my head telling me that i don’t want to do that and i’m making it up. i have all kinds of intrusive thoughts about s€xual intercourse with girls and even just being in a relationship with a girl and they have become that common it’s like in my head that i’ve accepted it and my head is tricking me into the fact i like it, when in reality i don’t! there’s so much more to this but all i want to know is is this HOCD and i’m not in denial? pls it’s causing me so much distress, i’d appreciate any help! <3

Okay so, I'd like to tell my story for the first time, even though I still struggle with the idea of it because of the fear of being rejected... I am white, and two years ago I got in first contact with anti-racism activism. The first things I read and came in contact with made me freak out excessively, for reasons I don't know yet. I got an intense panic of my reality and sense of truth being turned upside down, as well of constant doubting about what was I doing right or wrong. I had many strong fears and other really negative emotions and doubts suddenly emerging as I was trying to learn and read other perspectives online. I got obsessed with the fear it provoked me, and most importantly, the fear of my own weakness being displayed in such an important and sensitive topic. I hated myself for having such intense anxiety, so I compulsively looked for stimulus that could trigger my anxiety. I wanted to expose myself so I could get over it and be stronger. I would not stop thinking about anti-racism the whole day, and I would get trouble sleeping. I could not leave my phone. I couldn't stop stalking social media activists, and I would spend hours checking other tagged accounts, falling into a spiral of stalking and eventually having an anxiety and doubting breakdown, followed by intense catastrophic thinking. I felt (and still feel) surveilled by myself and other people online. My fears became more sophisticated the more I learnt. I gazed multiple times every corner of the anti-racism online activism. Eventually I came across the concept of "white fragility", and it's definition made so much sense that it just fed my intrusive thoughts and self-loathing. To this day I haven't gotten over it. Only someone with white fragility would experience the emotions I was feeling. My rumination found another topic to fixate over. One day I started thinking if my behaviour was anything normal, since I would relate everything to my obsession, I was definitely feeling depressed and my repetitive behaviour would last the whole day. That's when I googled about OCD, and after a while reflecting I started taking it seriously. The doubts, the hatred for myself, the compulsions and the triggers are really something unbearable. Uncertainty has taken over my whole worldview, and in my bad OCD days I still reject the idea of having it, because "I am definitely a white supremacist and have white fragility and I'm just making up excuses". Social media has only validated my OCD and nurtured my compulsions. But listening to other people, seeking for help and learning more about the little details of OCD really makes me feel like there is hope and I'll be fine 💟. This has become my safe space, and I have developed such empathy and love for all of you that really makes my days better. I still haven't gotten over it, and I still don't know where do my fear comes from, but I will be okay. Sorry for writing so much, it is the first time I voice all of this. Thank you for reading 💟

I've been trying to help myself by telling myself You can find men attractive without wanting to have sex with them You can like gay porn without wanting gay sex You can have gay fantasties without wanting gay sex

Anybody taking buspar for ocd? I’ve read it helps with ocd and I was thinking of taking it because I don’t want to take an ssri.

Loss of attraction is worse than ever, like I cant feel anything for female because of this shit. My libido is now non existent. Despite my mind throwing up all the bullshit it can (muscular dudes, images of a dude's junk etc), I've done enough exposures to fight it off. I can tell my mind, "hey, that's totally fine. Hey, you never know." But aside from mornings are so damn bad for me (I'm stuck in bed damn near every morning), the overthinking/overanalyzing has completely taken females from me. This shit has cost me so much. Its cost me relationships, money, friends, sex, love and time with my family. I'm convinced that I can beat everything else (though it can still get unbearably bad sometimes too the point of convincing) but it takes chicks from me. I would give anything to have it back. These past few weeks especially has been so bad with the given the triggers (mostly me triggering myself with too much thinking) but even after coming down and seeing there's nothing to fear, loss of attraction still rears its head and makes me doubt myself. It got so bad that yesterday I was obsessing about not feeling anything for old women. I wish OCD was a person so I could fucking kill it's family before torturing it to death.

my bf is a monster just bc he watch porn?

No offense but the idea of allowing your thoughts to run though your mind without resistance is complete and utter bullshit. It has made no difference in the amount of chronic sexual intrusive thoughts that run through my damn mind. I’m not a gay person, yet gay and incestuous thoughts run through my mind 24 fucking 7. It makes me sick to my stomach...all I want out of life is a beautiful wife and kids. Maybe i deserve this. Maybe I’m just helpless...

Been struggling with SOOCD for over a year now and it's been debilitating for most of that time. I'm at a point where it's taken over my life so much that I no longer relate to the self I knew before ocd. I feel like its literally changed me. I used to have a sex drive and initiate with my partner all the time. Now, the mere thought of any kind of intimacy with him leaves me feeling I'm doing something terribly wrong. I dont want to be intimate with him. I usually feel only discomfort when I do. My main compulsion is avoiding intimacy. I know that erp would be to engage in intimacy despite the discomfort, but how do you actually do that when it just "feels" wrong and like you're a fraud the whole time? How is that kind of exposure considered okay? This mindfuck has all just made me lose my mind cause I proudly called myself a bi woman before dating my now partner and it wasn't until ocd set in 2 years into our relationship that just the thought of being bi has fueled the ocd that I'm gay and in denial. Ever since, I havent been able to approach intimacy comfortably at all. Also just never having a sense of community cause no one ever talks about being bi or pan with SOOCD. But... we exist people! Just wish I didnt feel so alone in it.

I may have hurt my cat. Idk (I need guidance) I really don’t want to post this, but I feel horrible if I don’t. I made a mistake, and I don’t know if it is justifiable (idk if that’s the right word) or I am a bad person. This happened recently, a few days ago. One day after I masterbaited, I went straight to sleep for at least 30+ mins. When I woke up, my cat jump on my desk in my room. I think someone opened my door. I hate it when my cat jump on everything, so I went to pick her up and put her on the floor. As I grabbed her, I quickly let go. I forgot. I don’t know but I think my hands may have been contaminated with a dried small amount of YouKnowWhat. I then started panicking in front of my cat. I felt horrible. I felt like an abuser or a bestiality person. I hated myself. I left my cat alone and backed off. I just went back to bed and left my cat continue jump around. Sleeping it off didn’t help, I continued to freak out later on. I would never want to hurt my cat. It was an accident, but I always feel horrible about it. I even apologized to my cat, but my cat doesn’t understand what even happened or why I’m all freaked out. It’s just me who knows. And I feel like a criminal in hiding. I was afraid of abusing or hurting my cat before that incident, and now my stress levels increased. I told my family to never let the cat in my room, but they always open the door for her. I hate it. I’ve tried to stay away from my cat because I feel horrible, but my family keeps forcing me to take care of her and be around her. My family doesn’t know what happened and they don’t know why I am always against being around my cat. Sometimes I take care of her and make sure she’s safe, but I fell very horrible each second. He keeps meowing to see me when I have my door closed, but I just feel worse and worse. I don’t know if it was ok because it was a mistake or I am an abuser or anything evil. I don’t know what to feel. I feel like an abuser. I feel like I sexually assaulted my cat. I’m scared and I can’t stop thinking about it. Is this all just a mistake or something worse? I just need guidance with this. I’m lost, and I don’t know what to do with myself. If you have read this far, thank you. It means a lot. I hope you don’t do the same mistake as I have. Best wishes to you.

This thread is for anyone who wants to chat with me about their nerdy interests! I'm really into Nintendo games and animation. Would love to meet some other people here who can relate, maybe we can exchange our Switch friend codes and play online sometime! I know this app is for OCD treatment, but I really want to use this platform to connect to people and make new friends. We all know how difficult it can be to engage in conversation with others when we suffer from intrusive thoughts, believing they would hate us if they knew what goes on inside our heads. We're all here for the same reason, so that barrier of entry is gone. We don't have to worry about hiding our "deepest, darkest secrets" because that ice has already been broken. As someone who also suffers from social anxiety and spends most of my time in isolation (I only have one close friend I talk to regularly--I fell out with my three best friends in the past year, which has been incredibly difficult) I think reaching out and connecting with others is instrumental in my recovery process. So, this forum is purely for people who want to be friends and talk about our hobbies and interests! While I'm hoping to find some likeminded gamers and artists, I'd love to get to know you regardless of what your hobbies are, so feel free to share your interests even if they're different from mine! I hope this doesn't violate the rules of the app or anything, but I really wanna keep the discussion on mental health to a minimum in this thread, if possible. I just want this to be a fun space to share what we like! Exposures are an essential step in the recovery process, but that doesn't mean our goal should be all work and no play. Let's just enjoy ourselves here and tell OCD once and for all that we don't have to take everything seriously! Tell me what movies you like, what TV shows you're watching, what video games you're playing, what projects your working on! Just be sure to make it FUN!!! 😁😁😁

One thing my therapist told me when I’m having a lot of doubt and fear over false memories and real event is to tell myself how long I’ve been engaging in compulsions. This is pretty helpful as it helps you assess to not engage in further compulsions as the mind is so capable of making up new memories. Another thing is to use cognitive distortion strategies, like seeing the positives of that situation rather than the negative. Hope this helps and clears out some doubt for you guys. We have to accept uncertainty. Good luck y’all ☺️

can someone maybe give me some insight i may be missing here? i have lesbian fantasies and they always make me sad afterwards and i cry and breakdown. my main obsession is if i would have sex with a girl in the future or if me and my boyfriend broke up. like i don’t want to now of course like AT ALL and i also can’t say i know i would enjoy that in the future either because i don’t know how im going to feel in the future. i desire to marry my boyfriend and spend my life with him and rather than experiment with a girl. so my question is, i know it turns me on to think of these things and it makes me upset when i do and i base this obsession on the sole principle that i do have lesbian fantasies. if they make me so upset after why.... would i be worried about actually wanting to experiment? i honestly don’t know if i want to or not. the idea of that is hot! but the reality of it now just scares me, i don’t want it.