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Dammit dammit dammit. Pedophelia is wrong and gross. I know that. I’ve always known that. But why does it feel like I’m starting to like the idea of it. I just want to go back to how I used to be. I know I was happy like that. Now I just feel like a creeper and gross and like a completely different person from who I was before. It also feels like who I was before has been completely overridden and is like “yeah no that person never existed. You’ve always felt like this.” It’s probably OCD taken almost complete control, and I know that. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. I was so definitive before that pedophelia was messed up and people who like that were monsters, and if I truly knew that I wouldn’t be questioning myself right now. I know that’s what OCD does. None of this probably makes sense. And it probably is one giant OCD rambling.

POCD NSFW 18+ warning Hi everyone. This will be the most difficult post I will ever have to make but this is something I have to do as I’m scared and terrified of being something I don’t want to be or someone saying that I’m this monster when I don’t want to be one. While I always masturbated to women that were 18 or older, I masturbated to loli stuff a handful of times at the ages of 16-18. And now I regret it immensely. I now have intrusive memories and thoughts telling me that I’m a pedophile or that I’m a MAP when I dont want to be that at all. I’ve previously had HOCD for 8-9 months, and it feels like I’m not anxious enough, so I’m scared even more. I masturbated to a Marge x Lisa fanfic a couple times and I’m scared that I’m a pedo or an MAP in denial when I dont want to be attracted to children at all. I’ve had crushes on girls my age. I have never ever had an attraction to kids in my life. I have never fantasized about kids in my life, and I certainly have never molested or raped anyone in my life. I’m so fucking scared because I don’t want to be a pedo. I’d rather die than be some disgusting pedo. I don’t want to be a MAP, gay, bisexual, anything. I just want to be a straight man with a wife my age. I’m so scared and I feel so guilty about everything. I can’t sleep at night and I’m so so so scared of being a pedo or a M.A.P. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a pedo or a M.A.P at all. I don’t ever want to be attracted to kids ever. I will never want to be with kids, and I’ve never fantasized about kids ever. Please someone help me. The last thing I want is to be some disgusting pedo or a MAP for the rest of my life. I gag and puke to thoughts involving kids, and I have a fierce condemnation of pedophiles or anything like that. I hope I’m not in denial. I don’t want to be a pedo at all. Please someone help me.

Has anyone gone through depersonalization and then your ocd gets fixated on it how long did it take you to recover from it?

Am I going to be wasting my time and money as well as a therapist, by doing therapy with them to do ERP when I’m already trying on my own to not do compulsions when triggered and I’m doing pretty good at it, I would say 8/10 I don’t do my compulsions now ? I need to know if I should cancel therapy before I even start

Do you guys ever feel like you'll never be able to find love because of all the obsessions and intrusive thoughts you have? Especially if you have have real events it's based on? It's definitely something that comes up for me frequently. I feel undeserving of love and that no one would understand me.

Does anyone elses ocd attack you from things you did in the past?

I'm deciding to type all the obsessions I can remember having over the years. I'm 18 now so it'll be a long list lol. -Me worrying I harmed a friend in kindergarten. I avoided him. -My star wars toys don't really belong to me after receiving them on Christmas. I kept worrying about it and felt bad Those are the youngest ones I can remember. I was 6. - In fourth grade I had the obsession I would go to hell. I had "I swear to God" playing in my head constantly and I compulsively prayed CONSTANTLY. This was one of the worst obsessions I've ever had. -Fifth grade I'm afraid about simelnilla from my turtle, ( I don't know how to spell it) I used stupid amounts of lysol and washed my hands way too much. Overall this was mild. -Sixth I was worried my sister would get pregnant by sharing the same shower as me. I scrubbed everywhere I touched including the sink, toilet seat and THE FLOORS. This is the end of my younger obsessions I can recall. My OCD seemed almost dorment for a few years then covid hit with lockdown. This is why I'm in a hellhole now. During lockdown I've obsessed, -A family heirloom I have on my shelf will break because of my shelf snapping. I covered it in over three feet of blankets and checked it constantly through the night. In the morning I gave it back to my father - I've worried I'm a reincarnated N@zi and traitor to my country. This was very stressful. - I worried I had transgender surgery at birth and am not a male. -I worried I was attracted to animals -I worried that the women I've been attracted to are secretly male or have had transgender surgery. -I worried I wanted to kill my family -I worried I want to touch children These are my main themes as of today, -Ive worried I'm gay -Ive worried I'm bisexual Why does life have to be so hard? I've been punished so much. I've had three surgeries on my neck. I've moved many times. I was bullied until 7th grade. I've always wanted a wife. Now it's like I can't have that. I seriously don't want to be with a man. I'm very lonely. My girlfriend played with me, lied and cheated then called me a bad person. This post makes me realize I've been through a good amount of shit in my short time. I want peace.

What are the goals really for ERP and recovery? I’ve been reflecting on this as I finally feel that I’m making some progress. For me personally, my goals are less anxiety when exposed to triggers, and less frequency and intensity of intrusive thoughts. I know they’ll never truly go away, but I’d love to get to a point where they don’t bother me as much or I hardly notice them anymore. Is this realistic? What are your guys goals?

Someone help ? Please ?

Feeling a bit anxious this morning. I am worried that my intrusive thoughts are beginning to give me semi erections. I thoroughly believe they are groinal responses but it’s because of the obsessing. Furthermore, these groinals are so unnatural...everyone who’s a guy knows that erections are gradual and pleasurable. The problem is I have no control over my thoughts. It is as if my my mind has conditioned itself to associate my thoughts with sexuality in general and now I can’t even masturbate without immediately seeing a dude in my line of vision. Even when I stare at pretty girls it’s like it morphs into a dude. I know my OCD is taking over but this is scaring the shit out of me. It’s taken away my masturbation and my mental clarity. Mind you I’m 23 and NEVER in a million years would I have questioned a thing like sexuality. I feel like I’m trapped inside a box and my ocd brain is now calling all of the shots....

I know I'm not bi/lesbian, but I'm scared what if I turn bi/lesbian after this SO-OCD journey and I don't want that. Since I've been saying "Yeah, maybe I'm bi", I've been having these weird dreams and images that would give me anxiety every time. Isn't it suppose to stop once you've accepted uncertainty? LMAO maybe I'm still doing the compulsions and all of that. The thought of turning bi doesn't even bother me anymore, but it doesn't mean that I am or that I would want to be one. I don't know SO-OCD is sometimes convincing, but I still can't see myself with a girl because it is SO different from what I've always dreamt of. Anyways, I'm just so confused about my sexuality and I wish I could go back to myself before.

Take a mental pause from your OCD. Answer these questions and give yourself a break from your obsessions- you deserve it. 1.) Would you rather explore the deep sea or outer space? 2.) What’s a quote you think about a lot? 3.) Do you like having breakfast for dinner? I’ll start: 1.) Deep 🌊 2.) “Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep balance you must keep moving.” 3.) It’s 8pm I want pancakes. 🥞

So ERP has really helped with my OCD symptoms, but I have seen an increase in my social anxiety. Has this happened to anyone else?

i’m really anxious about something i sent to a group chat about an assembly about highlighting the talents of black students in my school (i go to a preforming arts hs) which is so cool and jokingly i said “fr like why are the ppl here actually talented i thought that was a joke hfhsosbk” and someone responded and said “Obviously this was gonna be amazing, I expected nothing less” so i responded feeling really bad clarifying what i meant and said “yea ofc i meant like at this hs like ppl who go here are so talented and it’s like wow y’all are so good i feel so out of place yk y’all weren’t joking about being talented “ and no one responded to that message and i’m so scared that i offended them/ they think i’m racist/ they hate me and i’m crying/shaking and i feel so so bad

I don't know if i am hyperaware or actually hearing things Last night was rough...only got a few hours of sleep because I was getting anxious over whether or not I am hearing things. Sometimes thoughts would pop in as i was finally drifting to sleep but then is get anxious thinking if that thought was a voice and I was hearing things. Then I thought I started to hear bird chirps, making me pretty distressed. I have tinnitus, so im thinking that and my hyperawareness to everything plus the anxiety made my mind play tricks on me....or maybe i am having like auditory hallucinations...im trying to disregard but its hard this time around.

My intention on sharing this post is to find others opinion on that or what their therapists told them or what they are doing in this situation. I would appreciate it if you would answer me Does anyone else sometimes have an intrusive thought that turns you on? Also my psychologist told me that is natural and that doesn't make me a p*** and she even told me that even if I masturbate on this thoughts doesn't make me a p***. Someone who is a p*** he is stalking and seducing kids. She is absolutely sure that I am not a p*** because we are talking about that 9 months now and she would find it out in this time... I don't know anymore... I know that I m not indented to harm any kid and I know that I will not do it. But from the other hand I have listened about people who are p*** and they haven't ever acted on their desires, but my psychologist disagrees. P*** is someone, she says, who is doing it,and the same thing is for a murderer. Murderer is someone who is planning to kill someone or he kills someone not someone who is thinking about murder...

In combination with depression my adhd and ocd are at a standstill right now. I am experiencing a deep depression that I can't even describe. I'm scared to take anything to help with my depression because most of it makes me anxious then I get too scared to try anything again. I can't even take anything for focus because it also raises my anxiety and even natural remedies I'm starting to lose hope in. I can't wake up. I don't want to move. I have no motivation and see no hope in my future. I start cleaning then get distracted and give up minutes in. I can't complete tasks. I don't want to even be around anyone I just want to isolate myself. This over anxiety... but it just truly is difficult. I'm at a loss for what to do..

I’ve noticed that i genuinely don’t care if i was a lesbian, I dont want to be with a woman at the moment (even though i feel like im lying to myself). But what terrifies me is that I won’t end up with a man and will end up with a women and it makes me so sad cause that’s not what i want :( Idek at this point man im so lost and confused and yeah:/ This is just attacking my identity to the core and i can’t even fantasize about a guy anymore without being triggered And girls just make me uncomfy and scared and i don’t like those thoughts and dont wanna like them because it’s just not me then im scared it is me and im just lying to myself🙃 And the opposite with guys 🥲

hey all! i developed anxiety tics a couple months ago and was wondering if any of you guys got them too? if so, what are u guys’s like? do they happen a lot, or only sometimes? is there a certain time of day when they get worse? what tics do y’all do? i’m just so curious haha!

Therapist talk- So id like to make a comment. Im happy to start tackling my ocd head on but my therapist seems very cut and dry? We had a 90 min session but she wanted to end it 30 mins earlier. She didn’t really seem sympathetic to much of anything going on in my life. And interrupted me at times. I do like how she is active in erp though.