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I can’t sleep, my POCD is convincing me I don’t deserve to live but I know I don’t want to hurt myself. I’ve fought this spike for over a week now (I’ve suffered with POCD for years since I began working with children but new memories/obsessions pop up.) I’m tired and I can’t even practice the “maybe, maybe not” exercise because now I’m like “Is it the OCD? Or are you just guilty and you’re looking for excuses?” I know in my heart I would never hurt a child and that I hate the thought of children being groomed or preyed on but that doesn’t convince me that I’m not a horrible monster and dangerous. I have barely slept worrying over a memory of feeling arousal watching something and didn’t think anything of it and moved on but now I’m like “Was that actually a teenager or something and you didn’t know? Did you WANT that? Did you accidentally feel this arousal looking at a minor without knowing?” Or “Was your friend lying about their age when you talked about suggestive/18+ content?” Which makes tons of new intrusive thoughts enter my brain and scare me worse. I’ll listen to youtube videos validating that people also suffer with this and that POCD is real but I feel like the exception. I know I don’t want to give up to my intrusive suicidal thoughts but these thoughts don’t leave my head and feel so real. A week ago I would have practiced mindful thinking and train my brain to let it go but now I’m so lost I feel like thats “escaping my guilt” or something. I shared this with my therapist and knew she couldn’t give me reassurance but I thought I would feel a weight lifted but it’s still very much here. I just want to feel normal again but then I feel I don’t deserve it. I wish I could sleep. I’m just crying and having panic attacks every night. I care about children’s safety so much why why why why does it feel like this?? I’m starting ERP soon and I’m so scared..

I'm convinced that I'm just a late bloomer and that I'm really changing...

Today was not a good day. I slept through the entire day and woke up very late. I'm having such a terrible time trying to sit through these thoughts. It's so hard to sit with these feelings and all of this guilt but I'm still trying. I've been googling and that made things worse honestly, but it's so hard to stop it all. My OCD went back to latch onto the very first thing that sparked my OCD: All the times I chose to sext with others when I was a minor. I stopped before turning 18 and I've never done it ever again since. I feel like an awful person. My biggest fear when it comes to OCD is being a sexual Deviant and convicted of a sexual crime. I just hate that I've done these things. I can't stay in the present and enjoy myself in the now because of this immense guilt holding me down. I feel like I'm holding back tears and it feels like this won't ever go away, yet I still try. Sometimes I get so hurt and sad that my thoughts sort of leave the current situation and I go back to my thoughts of childhood. Back when things were easier. When I was happier. When everything made sense. I don't know if I'm beating myself up too much or if I deserve this. I have really bad difficulty when it comes to getting over these sexting events and the times I've viewed adult content. These thoughts assume the worst out of these things and I feel like it only rarely gets better. I have trouble with all of this for the simple fact that these things have happened. Right now I don't do any of the things I get scared of thinking about. I don't watch any adult content, I really try to filter out all of it, and I don't masturbate. All of these things just makes me feel like a really terrible person and I stay terrified of my sex life and my sexual feelings. Anything sexual, I don't think I can handle very well so I just try to stay away from it all. But I feel like, especially in the past, my sexual feelings took over my control and what I would and wouldn't do and things just happen. When I was 17 I met this girl on instagram and I thought she was very funny. We ended up talking to each other a lot and we sent memes, funny pictures, funny faces, and I think we talked on the phone one time. We even shared baby pictures. I don't know how we became such good friends or how we even met but we did. But OCD always pinpoints the times we've exchanged pictures of our feet. It constantly brings this up and at the end of it all, I don't remember her age. I feel sick. I feel really disgusted in myself and I feel like I just constantly keep messing up my life in my adolescence. I don't even know if what we did was sexual or not, but I know for a fact that nudes weren't shared. That was the last thing on my mind. I remember that we joked about this kinda stuff too and I think we were both in high school at the time. But I can just never be certain. Then I get anxiety of the thought of the nudes I did send to other girls with an inner voice saying "Now those pictures are going to be online forever. What if your friends see that? Your family? The people you love? What if they know about these things? You'd be disowned into jail" Self compassion is getting harder and harder. I'm really trying to push through this but these feelings make everything so hard. I'm constantly fearing for my life based on these stupid things that I've done in the past that I would never do now. I feel like there isn't any escape. I just don't know what to do. At the very least I'm trying to breathe. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm really sorry.

Does anyone here have emotional contamination OCD? It’s a rare subtype that doesn’t really get talked about

This is my first time posting here, I hope this is okay. I just started therapy with a licensed professional counselor about 6 months ago. Over time, I opened up for the first time about obsessions and compulsive behaviors I’ve done since I was very young (I’m now 27). She shared some OCD resources and I felt heard for the first time in my life, and like I had finally found the words to describe my experiences. I haven’t started treatment yet, but I am really struggling today because my experience in therapy has brought up a lot of difficult emotions that have made my OCD spike. My boyfriend has noticed this spike and has been encouraging me to see what he calls “a real doctor”, since he doesn’t think a LPC is fit to diagnose me. It feels like he is discounting my experience because I haven’t been treated by a psychologist, and it’s making me feel invalidated. Has anyone else experienced this? Do you have to be formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist or psychologist to get the OCD seal of approval? Do you have any resources or advice for how to talk to or educate your partner about what you’re going through? Thanks in advance, just feeling lost and frustrated.

I just had a diagnosis from a nurse practitioner who just said that it's not ocd if there's no physical compulsions. It kinda of frustrated me a bit.

i’m freaking out so much. i’ve been reading a lot about vulnerable / covert narcissism and i literally want to cry. these type of narcissists are introverted and sensitive and i am too. they’re also full of shame and i am too. and they want to be acknowledged which i do too. i feel so down when i’m left out. they also feel a lot of envy like me. i feel sick. i always thought not wanting to be the centre of attention made me LESS of a potential narcissist, but this new subtype of it has sent me spiralling so much. do these traits mean i’m a covert narcissist?!!! i’m so scared. i don’t think i’m entitled or super important... i just want to be enough and feel like i’m enough. i didn’t think that was narcissistic til reading all this stuff today. i’m generally a helper and try to be there for people to meet their needs. so i guess i just want people to look out for me aswell. but i read that these type of narcissists are like that too. i’m so upset rn, i don’t know what to do!!

“Obsessions may occur by themselves, without necessarily being accompanied by compulsions. In fact, about 20 percent of the people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder only have obsessions, and these often center around fears of causing harm to a loved one” From The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne

When my ocd is bad should I stay home from work? Or does that just reinforce the fear? I've even considered quitting my job because of this. On my bad days I've almost cried at my station and it took all my power to not. I just feel terrible and robbed of who I was before.

im going on a date tonight i havent been on a date in 5 years i dont even really feel sexually attracted to this guy and yes one of my themes is hocd but my main one i guess is pocd or at least my most horrifying one ... ive been working on my pocd with my therapist but my sexuality themes we havent worked on and i feel like dating is a huge trigger because its like if i go on this date and it doesnt go well then im gay or im asexual and like honestly im only going on this date because hes friends with my friend and he apparently been asking for my number and she encouraged me to just go for it mostly because she knows im really insecure about still being a virgin and i think she thinks hes a nice guy hes nonthreatening maybe hes not like the most attractive but maybe a good guy to "practice" with but my mind starts to go down all these rabbit holes about how fucked up that is like he might really like me and im just doing this for practice and it makes me feel guilty and then i start thinking im a bad person and this is why i dont date because honestly these men are better off not dating me im a waste of their time and plus ive been on my own my whole life its very scary for me to idk like i have sexual desires i masterbate i have a vibrator and ive had crushes and sexual fantasies in my life but ive learned to just live in the fanatasy and escape into that when im lonely rather than actually attain anything real like i am someone who is very uncomfortable being sexualized like i mean if someone likes me i dont mind that, especially if i like them too it feels great to be liked but i feel a real disconnect with my body like if a guy is dancing with me and he wants to grind or something like ive always been jealous of my friends that could be free with their body all i think about is how weird i must look trying to copy sexy moves that i dont know how to do and frankly make me feel stupid like i dont mind romance buying flowers opening doors chivalrous things kind gestures but maybe im just an old soul or born in the wrong time but i dont find girating my body or wearing scantily clad things to be empowering and sexy it makes me feel weak and exposed and like im performing as opposed to being really comfortable and then i go well yup that means im asexual if im not comfortable being seen as a sex object and if my friends can do that then why cant i or it means im asexual or gay its just like if a man danced with me and it was a respectful slow dance i dont mind that but i just feel like modern dating and hookup culture and even dancing have these elements of moving too fast and no respect for yourself and the other person or it feels that way to me not that its the case but like im not against people who can like be free with their bodies or think im better than them i wish i could be one of those girls who like wears a mini dress and heels and like draws men in with their confidence and freedom and inhibitions but it feels so forced and fake when i do it that I just dont and this guy im going on the date with hes like the type to date girls who wear things where their thong showing according to who my friend has seen him with in the past which is like good for them but im like he doesnt seem like someone who wants to date someone like me who is more conservatively dressed and like not someone who is quick to hookup but at the same time there is this language barrier so its like we are going on a date i dont think he goes on formal dates often and this is according to my friend i think he mostly just hooksup with women and enjoys that type of easy dynamic and i just keep thinking how awkward the convos will be and im dreading if he asks me about why im single or my past relationships and im afraid of him trying to kiss me tonight and what to do when that happens and im worried after im going to have an ocd spiral really bad anyway i just wanted to vent and to be clear i have nothing against women who show their thongs or whatever or people who like hooking up quickly i just know that type of lifestyle makes me personally uncomfortable and i feel like thats become more of the norm and it makes me feel more pressure when i have gone on dates where im like well this guy is counting down the days until we have sex like if i dont kiss him on the first date and dont have sex on the third im officially difficult and a waste of time so why even go on a date at all and yeah im just in my head a lot

I don't even have that "deep inside you know you're straight" feeling anymore, i used to but now i don't even know... it sucks it makes me feel denial and homophobic and to top it all off i also have tocd (not as bad as hocd)

I have nearly dissolved my OCD thoughts, without CBT, but with a different explanation for the symptoms, different practices and finally the inside that the OCD thoughts definitely sit on top of trauma, and consequently concentrating on treating trauma. Start to look out for explanations for what you are going through and for the adapted (self-)treatment. Don‘t believe this talk „CBT is the only way to go“ too much. That‘s what I wanted to share

when i go through these crisis moments of “realizing” i’m bi it freaks me out so bad and i just cry

Hello everyone I am completely new this and I think I have been experiencing OCD...I have had anxiety for 6 years now and it has got better much better over the years and I’m so glad, Iv been getting this horrible thoughts and fears that I might be lesbian even tho I have a boyfriend who I love and adore and have been with for nearly a year and all my past relationships have been with boys...I know that I’m straight and I have never ever once questioned or said that I am lesbian or even had the fear that I am, now this thought is getting deeper and deeper in my head and I’m so scared and it makes me so stressed and low and don’t know how to get rid off it or how to make myself better, I would get therapy but obviously it’s expensive and I am scared that I might not get better or these thoughts won’t go away, I just want reassurance and to know that they are just thoughts and I’m not the only one going through it...can anyone help??? Thankyou x

i feel like because i accepted that i maybe open to sexual experimenting with a girl in the future i have to label myself as bisexual and sex with my boyfriend is feeling so off like i had a panic attack today. i haven’t experienced this in almost a year.

as hard as sitting with your thoughts is, i promise it pays off. they are starting to not scare me as much, and i’m so grateful 🙏🏼 you can do it! i believe in you.

hi guys so ive had ocd symptoms since i was around 9 yrs old and i finally got my diagnosis on monday (age 18) ! i've been perscribed prozac so im wondering if anyone thats tried it could tell me how it works for them <3

I have a question for everyone: What's one thing you would take back in your life if you could? If you could redo one thing in your life out of all the days you've been living, what would it be? For me, I think it would be my discovery of pornography. It ruined my perspective on romance, ruined the majority of my adolescence during high school days, I acted on impulses and imitated things I saw in adult content, and to this day I still hate pretty much all of what has to do with it. On the other hand, I'd really like to know what other people's answers are to this question. I'm curiosity, maybe this could be fun. It could be refreshing to talk about something that isn't out OCD worries or compulsions.

PLEASE HELP OR TELL ME IF THIS IS AN EXPERIENCE YOU’VE HAD! essentially, my OCD has been worsening and I’m starting to go crazy. I am developing intrusive thoughts about saying curse words in public (any curse word—you name it, horrible words I normally wouldn’t use or slurs just words that are atrocious) Anyway, to try to prove to myself I didn’t say those words (depending on what the word is) I will start making sounds usually similar sounds over and over and under my breath or clicking my tongue or clearing my throat and sometimes it feels like I’m not even in control of my mouth. But it’s like a compulsion. Or I keep doing it trying to make myself feel better or prove I didn’t say it, or even “keep myself from saying it” (as my OCD brain tells me) by making noises, and like feel like I AM saying it in the process. The issue is—sometimes i’m making these in public and I’ll think I DID say the slur/curse word or I potentially did make two sounds when checking or having this compulsion that sound exactly like it. But to me—THATS basically the same as saying it and I COMPLETELY panic. Especially when other people are around who, depending on what the word is I’m randomly focusing on, could be highly offended. Although considering it’s like every curse word mostly anyone would be offended. I was just wondering if this was something other people experienced or if I am just like some shit person who should accept that I was saying curses or slurs under my breath even if it was unintentional and just random sounds or noises that sounded like it. And I am NOT a homophobic, racist, or misogynistic person. I know this about myself. These words are not in my vocabulary that I would ACTUALLY use. That’s why I’m so frightened.

Bro what the hell So I was starting to get over my hocd when my mom just told me my younger brother is bisexual and is in a relationship with a guy. When she said that my anxiety went through the roof because I'd never thought he'd go that way. He said he was having the same thoughts but acted upon it and it's scaring me. I've been thinking like yo I had thoughts but I didn't want to have them nor did I enjoy them. There nasty and upsetting. I finally met this one girl and I think we have a connection that's great and I want to be with her. But it's like I can't because I don't want to hurt her or make her believe I'm thinking about doing those things when in reality I don't want to do those things. I just can't physically get an erection from a dude unless there's a girl first and even when the thought switchs I get turned off really quick. Last night this gay guy who I knew in 9th grade asked he could suck my d*** and I denied the hell outta him and my anxiety went through the roof on that. I'm so freaking confused man like bruh how could he think things that I had it makes no sense. How the hell is this possible man 😱🤕