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the NOCD Community

Okay so I need some help because I don’t know how I am supposed to keep going. During recovery from POCD I met my boyfriend. He wasn’t really my type but he somehow made me wanna spend more time with him. He developed feelings for me very fast but meanwhile I wasn’t developing anything. I know that I liked him and I felt happy and good with him by my side but I was constantly thinking he isn’t my type, I thought he wasn’t that attractive and didn’t feel any butterflies or fast heart beating. But we still met every weekend and I was very reserved because I didn’t have much relationship experience before and was very insecure about the whole situation. So I told my friend about my lack of feelings and she said I should still give it a try, a lot of relationships start without heavy feelings and I thought I didn’t give any boy a chance who wanted to get to know me better so why not give it a try. I knew I liked him and his attitude, his character, his believes, everything was perfect but there wasn’t any attraction or heavy feelings, not even during our first kiss. But I thought maybe I’ll develop feelings after some weeks/months. I was curious because I felt a connection and wanted to spend time with him. BUT I noticed that during the time we were dating I had eyes for other guys. I was already feeling a little bit bad like „Why do you think he’s more attractive than your guy“ and stuff like this. After a few weeks/months I noticed that I developed feelings for my guy. Not the heavy ones with butterflies and heart beating but more deeper ones I guess. I thought he was almost perfect for me. Everything about him is just like I wanted my boyfriend to be. I still couldn’t wish for a better one, really. During the time we became intimate and I noticed I care a lot about him, I developed feelings, my POCD came back far worse than before. One sentence really got me. „I don’t care about anything that you think as long as you do not use me to prove yourself that you’re not attracted to children“, he said. I began to think about that. POCD got worse and worse and I was losing it. Right now, I am so very afraid my feelings towards him aren’t enough or real. I still struggle with the attraction thing. It already was pretty hard to develop feelings but the last couple of weeks I barely felt anything towards him. I was constantly thinking about my POCD and not loving him. I don’t know what’s going on. What’s real and what isn’t. I know that the thought of breaking up with him makes me cry SO HARD. I know that I don’t want to lose him. But I feel so bad because of my lack of feelings in the beginning of the relationship, during a time I thought I was able to develop feelings towards others. I almost want to confess everything to him and make sure he’d still want to be with me. I feel so guilty. Moreover I feel like am not capable of feeling and having emotions towards anything at the moment. Like, I want to feel something when I’m with him but as soon as I feel or not feel something I compare it to POCD feelings, ask myself a lot of what if and is this right questions. I think a lot about breaking up with him because i feel like I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone better, maybe someone who truly loves him and not someone who’s constantly questioning it. I am just so afraid that it’s something I force, that it’s wrong and I am a liar. I don’t feel anything at the moment but sadness. I’m crying a lot lately and feeling desperate because I don’t want us to end but my mind keeps telling me I should leave him because it’s not real, not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost ? is it possible that OCD does such things? Twisting emotions and feelings making you feel wrong and numb lowers the feelings of attraction? Now I think I’m trying to find excuses for my thoughts and feelings but I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. POCD is one thing, but the whole thing with my boyfriend is making it so much worse. It’s making me want to quit. I’m also very afraid of recovery because I am afraid that POCD is real and that I still can’t develop feelings for him or think that this doesn’t work out/is wrong. Please, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a liar, even typing these words. I feel like I don’t mean them. It’s making me hate myself and myself so much I can’t take it any longer ????

Not really about ocd but anybody else feel really insecure about themselves and easily disappointed? I’m trying to learn to snowboard it’s my 2nd trip going but I’m failing and I’m just crying because I wanted so badly to learn but it’s just not fun because I keep falling. Maybe I should switch to skis but I don’t want to give up

i have a real problem with my hocd in terms of my faith. i’m very spiritual and so a huge part of me tells me that my ocd is preventing God to do what he really wants in my life. So I question if it’s really OCD or not. I was watching this sermon today and the pastor was talking about allowing God to take control over my life and let him release me from the places of bondages. He also mentioned if i’m doubting my sexual orientation, I should turn to God about it. So of course, this really triggered my anxiety and made me think that maybe I should just accept the fact that I may or may not be straight. I then reflected and tried to accept the fact that my sexual orientation may not be what I though it was. Im really confused now because I truly do believe that it’s OCD but i’m in a state where i don’t even know what sexual orientation is.

my ocd has been really convincing lately. it’s convincing me that i’m just questioning my sexuality and that i’m bi and just don’t know it yet. i can’t help but think “what if these thoughts and feelings are real” i’m so lost i just feel like all of this has changed who i was. the worst part is that i barely have a reaction to these thoughts so it’s hard for me to tell if it’s ocd or not. how do i know if it’s ocd or i’m just questioning my sexuality??

Trigger Warning My theme that I struggle with most is that I am developing schizophrenia. I wanted to share this anecdote with everyone in case someone is dealing with family/friends who do not understand what it is like to have OCD. One of the most effective ways for me to manage my OCD is to use humor to deal with it. Often times I will make jokes about it and recently a family member said, “you like having OCD, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t talk about it so much”. What he does not understand is that on the days I am able to laugh at my OCD I am so grateful because on other days all I want to do is lay in bed and worry about having schizophrenia. I didn’t know how to reply to that in the moment, but I want to say to him now is that the reason I make jokes about it is because some days it feels so real and I spend my day: Keeping track of every car in the rear view mirror to make sure that they are actually there and not hallucinations. Plugging my ears with my fingers to make sure that I am not hearing voices. Telling myself that if I have to carry a tray without dropping it to prove I do not have schizophrenia. Going over in my mind overtime I misspeak to try and figure out if it was just a mistake or if it was because I was going crazy and was speaking nonsense. Being very careful while typing because if I make a mistake it might mean I have schizophrenia. Lying in bed until five in the morning reading about schizophrenia. Thinking that if I can’t fall asleep by a certain time it means that my sleep schedule is being affected by schizophrenia. Trying to not look at any buildings where a person with schizophrenia may be treated. Constantly checking my emotions to see if I have them or if I lost them because I might have schizophrenia. Frantically searching for a sound that I heard to make sure it wasn’t a hallucination. Searching for something I may have seen out of the corner of my eye because it might have been a hallucination. Thinking that every time I have an itch it’s actually a tactile hallucination Spending hours thinking about wanting to die if I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Putting my ear on machinery to make sure that I didn’t think that it was talking to me. Everyday looking up percentages and data and calculating them over and over again to calculate the likelihood that I will develop schizophrenia. Spend my day thinking if I actually am enjoying my activates or if I’m faking it because I actually have schizophrenia. Convincing myself that my food is poisoned because that is what a schizophrenic would think. Going over common schizophrenic delusions and checking to see if I believe them too. I am sure that a lot of people in this group struggle with this theme. Even though a lot of people think that OCD is just washing your hands a lot or organizing, know that I know how you feel and I have gotten through the worst of it.

Question for you guys, Those of you who suffer from HOCD or POCD and have vivid memories that contradict who you feel you are, how do you manage those memories? I had an OCD/anxiety attack that clinged on to the memories around me being curious after being bullied in school. My OCD keeps telling me that I enjoyed those experiences more than I should have. Even though it ended in tears and me knowing that that's not who I am, my OCD keeps telling me that it's an indication of my being gay or bi. I realize that some of those memories may be fake, but in the scope of acceptance of uncertainty let's assume that everything is right. My therapist tried to calm me down by saying that this is really normal and expected in young children and that it has nothing to do with who we are, especially since I was interested in girls and always fantasized about chased after them from a very young age.

HOCD thoughts creeped into my dreams again last night, questioning shit and now my body is slightly shaking again.. FML

Maybe I didn't always have pure o but I think my perception of myself has been off for a long time. Feeling weird or different or flawed most of my life. Being made fun of and told I was weird growing up didn't help. Anyone else?

It’s hard lately. It really is. My POCD is ruining everything. I’ve never suffered so bad. I do not even feel anxious anymore, just numb. Numb, depressed, lack of feelings, emotional pain. So much pain. Crying after waking up, crying before I’m going to bed. I’m still trying to do some nice things to keep me distracted like a lot of sports and it helps a little bit but everything else is just too much. I have no idea who I am anymore. I am in a fight with my feelings and emotions because I am afraid to not feel the right emotion in different situations. It feels like my POCD is in control of every emotion and feeling towards another human being. Especially towards my boyfriend. I don’t know if with POCD ROCD is automatically there. But I feel like a liar. I don’t deserve any love, especially not from my boyfriend. It’s not only my thoughts anymore, it’s feelings and emotions too. It feels like I have feelings where I shouldn’t and a lack of feelings where I should feel something. Every emotion and feeling or the lack of it makes me want to cry because I don’t know how to handle it. Even typing these words I feel like a liar. I feel so wrong. Why is my mind so convincing. I once was proud of it but now it’s my worst enemy. It’s like it wants me to never be happy again, to never feel loved, to never be able to live. I’m just trying to keep going, keep fighting but I feel like it’s just getting worse. This illness sucks. I hope we all will get through this somehow.

Would you consider a towel just cleaned but was then laid on by a dog okay to use? This is for those who are much better than i, i wanted some opinions as to if I am being OCD right now because i am about to kill my mother. So what happened is I am staying with my mom right now. She did my laundry without my permission. I am a bit particular with how i like to do my laundry and she has a big habit of doing things i view as unsanitary and then taunting me with my OCD and telling me I’m psycho for telling her shes wrong. This time she washed the towels I use and then let our family dog lay on them while we folded them. Now i love our dog he’s my baby but that doesn’t change the fact that he runs around outside and goes to dog parks were I’m sure he steps in pee the whole time and she only gives him a bath maybe every 4 months. When i got mad and said i cant use them and i need to rewash them she basically told me that if i rewash them i have to leave and then mixed them with all the other towels which makes me feel like i need to wash all of them. So would you be worried about this? Consider it clean or not? Im trying to not go crazy or care but i cant stop imagining all the shit and pee on those towel and how I’m going to get a vaginal infection or pink eye from it when i dry off from a shower. Im pisst and the more i think about it the more i cant sleep and the more wholes i want to punch into the wall and her.

Can hocd really feel this real? I can never shake it off that I’m not really straight. It just seems that one day out of the blue I realized I was gay. I don’t even know anymore. Every time I see I pretty girl it feels so real, I try to accept the thought but it just doesn’t work. I just want to like guys and that’s all.

My OCD is ruining my relationship. Well, not just my OCD. My fiancé/baby daddy is also an impatient know-it-all asshole. I cant stop obsessing over lots of different things (a lot of which include/affect him) and instead of understanding that I’m trying to fix myself, he just yells at me and puts me down. The other day he punched a hole in the wall and told me I was a bad girlfriend. I know I’m no ball of sunshine, but I still feel like I should be treated better.

Hi peeps :) was wondering how many of you guys struggle with emetaphobia aswell?

Can someone explain what magical thinking OCD is please :))

Happy Sunday all! Just wanted to share how successful ERP has been for me and how much I am improving and wanted to give advice to anyone who has questions!

Please some advice for ROCD, I’m having a bad day feeling lifeless and hopeless Today I’ve sat and allowed the intrusive feelings and thoughts about an ex to flow over me today without resisting in a bid to do some ERP and now I just feel guilty and lifeless. I am in love with my boyfriend who is so supportive and incredible. But not a day passes where this ex is in my head. And it scares me. Because I know I love my current boyfriend. I know these thoughts are intrusive but they feel so real, is that normal? I call them ‘fake feelings’ telling myself that it’s the ocd trying to trick me. This ex was awful. He was nasty and mean. I know I don’t want to be with him but then intrusive thoughts kick in and they feel so real so I get extremely guilty. I even feel guilty typing this. Can anyone help me please? ?

Having such a hard doing laundry with contamination OCD - help!

People have mentioned it already but it's worth repeating: watch Ali Greymond videos on YouTube!

Ooookkkkk so I’m not sure if this is POCD or not but here goes. I’ve briefly mentioned it in a post, but not in much depth. Basically, there a 12 year old character in a film that I literally LOVE. And initially it was because of his personality in the film and all that, but now I’m scared it’s about what he looks like. He’s attractive and I can’t deny that, but I’d hate to think that I only like him because he’s young. And the issue is, I get happy when I think about him or watch edits about him because he’s such a great character. I just don’t want that to be because of his appearance. Dhjssjjsjshdueiwis.

Has anyone heard of or tried the no shampoo or soap In the shower thing? Apparently it’s a thing people are doing so I decided to try it and so far it’s going great! I wanted to reduce my shower time and soap is the real problem so now that I read we really don’t need it I’ve cut my shower down from 1-2 hrs to 20-30 min! I’m so happy! I still feel clean even tho I have contamination ocd I just don’t get dirty right before I shower like I used to it’s not too hard either I found. :) I’m almost 3 weeks in now!