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I’ve been dealing with a backdoor spike the past couple months. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I’m so upset I just want to cry. I was doing really good, but now this obsession plagues me all day. It hits me first thing in the morning and I hate waking up. I know how to do ERP, but for whatever reason, it’s SO much harder to spot and resist compulsions for this new obsession! Please don’t give me reassurance, but yeah, has anyone overcome a backdoor spike that lasted this long? It’s made my depression worse. I want to cry right now. It’s my brother’s birthday and I’m just so upset and on edge due to this discomfort. 😢

Does anyone sometimes wonder, how they got like this? How did they get here? How did this thinking process start happening? Never in my life I worried for a second about being a sexual deviant, or a predator, or a pedophile. This has never happened to me ever until last year. I just don't know why. My mind constantly brings me back to the past about how I sexted with girls, watched all kinds of porn, and got reckless when experimenting when I was a minor. It keeps telling me that I wanted to mess up my life. I've been trying so hard to not give into compulsions or Ruminate but this just seems impossible. I feel like I'm really going to be arrested one day or probably killed. I just can't shake these thoughts and they're really messing up the flow of my life. Not many people know about any of this but it really destroys me sometimes. These constant intrusive thoughts about throwing my life away, making mistakes I'll regret for the rest of my days, and the annoying, painstakingly annoying what ifs. I just want this to stop. I just want to tell myself that I was hooked on porn, I did make mistakes in the past, and I don't plan on making those mistakes in any way. I don't watch porn anymore and I'm planning to keep it that way. The last thing I want to do is message minors. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I just want this to leave me alone. I'm constantly trying to remember the times where I didn't struggle with this and while it does feel good at times, I just end up back here.

Tips for overcoming rumination?? I ruminate alllll the time. All the time. I worry about my suicidal thoughts and wonder if they're actually me or not. The only thing I know is I don't want them and I want to live. These thoughts just keep going over and over and over and over in my brain. or the thoughts pop in all the time like "you can't enjoy this cuz of this thought" or "what if they mean this" or "you can't enjoy life hahahaha!" Yeah worrying has taken away a lot of my enjoyment.

I was reading a blog/article Jackie Lea Sommers wrote “a closer look at hocd.” In it she interviews 2 sufferers of hocd and 2 people who are gay. The one guy who is gay said he didn’t know he was gay but knew he was different because he would stop the tv on guys who are working out and without their shirts on. Ocd instantly brought up how I got aroused by naked pictures of woman and naked women in scenes on tv when I was like 5. I used to think something was wrong with me because I got aroused by this stuff and didn’t want others to think I was a lesbian and I didn’t want to be one. Ocd says I just am disgusted because I grew up thinking it was wrong and that’s why I feared being gay because I couldn’t accept myself... and that I only was excited to talk to my current bf/wanted to be with him to be normal/straight. This whole thing sucks and makes me feel like a failure in recovery like I’m only discovering the truth.

vent argh today i keep googling and ruminating about empathy again. i just... don’t know! there’s so many uncertainties involved. one minute i feel like i relate to empaths and highly sensitive people, the next minute it feels like i relate to psychopaths and narcissists. examples of my empathy in daily life: -crying in films (happy or sad) -answering the teacher when nobody else does because they look embarrassed and sad -people pleasing (wanting everyone to feel comfortable and involved) -i enjoy giving gifts -second hand embarrassment -feeling bad for people who are left out or hurt by big groups (though this may be sympathy not empathy) -feeling bad for the underdog or villain (again, this may be sympathy) -feeling stressed when someone in my family is stressed but then here’s my examples of no empathy in my daily life: -feeling irritated when people vent to me -feeling irritated by little problems my friends have (specifically ones that aren’t logical!) -watching films or the news and not being devastated -someone explaining how bad their day is, but i’ll just be indifferent on the whole i feel super guilty about those four examples above. and i try to tell myself that i probably just have average empathy like average people because they balance out. but i’m just scared i lack it. like how can i cry when watching a documentary on poor children, but then also get mad when people vent to me?!! is that even possible?? what kind of person am i. it logically doesn’t make sense. one thing i know for sure is that i love my family but idk if that means anything about empathy, i just know that people with aspd and npd can’t love.

TW: Incest OCD, POCD, suicide Hi, I have been struggeling with OCD for a while. It started last summer with POCD, later I developed Incest OCD. It started small with my cousin, then it developed when I saw a picture of my dad, and he looked good in that picture or something? When I thought that it scared me to death, same thing happened with my mom. I got rid of the POCD and Incest OCD around my dad. But things are still pretty bad around my mom. I know that if my OCD turns out to be real, the worst thing is only that I can fall in love with family, and I'll get over that, I know, in theory I have nothing to be afraid of. I also know that if someone I cared about told me that they're crushing on a family member or a kid I wouldn't judge them. They can't help feeling that way right? Thing is, whenever I'm scared I feel like killing myself, not as an intrusive thought, I actually want to die. If anyone can help me, share tips, or anything to help me bring my anxiety levels down, please please help me. I'm so scared I wanna die.

what exactly is pocd

First post here! Hey. So I've read a few contamination ocd stories and omg I'm glad I'm not alone in this, it feels like the loneliest place ever 😭 in my case it's a fear of unwanted pregnancy from items contaminated with semen ie. getting on my hands from objects, from toilets and sinks, from mens' hands I'm taking things from etc, and if when wiping after using the toilet or changing underwear etc I could end up pregnant.. it's debilitating and my every waking moment is consumed by it! I'm waiting for therapy and in the meantime trying to practice some beginner ERP techniques like cutting out small washing compulsions but it's HARD. My fear response is enormous whenever I think in my head I could have touched semen. It's such a specific and taboo kind of fear and there's not much definitive research on the topic of it being possible for me to get it out of my head even though in general the possibility is waved off as too improbable to be considered. The 'what if's' just won't go away; because I can't achieve that 100% knowledge that its impossible! It's like I need a miracle thought or something to make it all okay and a lightbulb with shine like 'AH! IT'S impossible and here's perfect proof, you can move on!' Is this fear more common than i think? Sorry for the long long post 💕

i'm scared I don't have OCD, I used to be 50/50 about it but now I just keep doubting I do. The reason i'm scared is because I can't feel anything for my girlfriend anymore, sometimes I do and want to love up on her but other times I just feel unnatracted to her and don't feel anything for her. This is taking a tole on the both of us, she cries alot because she knows what i'm going through but it's also hurting her. I also sometimes (not very often) think about breaking up with her or being with someone else and it scares me because I want to love her and only her and only be with her. I'm afraid I should break up with her but I really don't want to. Whenever she compliments me I get uncomfortable, sometimes whenever she says I love you I hesitate to say it because I feel kind of guilty and I can't really feel anything. She picks up on all of these things which makes it even harder to really hide. i know I shouldn't hide it but she's the crying type and I upset her too much already with all of this. Someone please tell me they can relate or that it's OCD, can someone please help me?

Has anyone found a physiological cause for their ocd? (That my not be the correct way to describe it). If so, if you treated the cause did it improve? For example, this all started for me after I had a rare complication during childbirth and almost died from blood loss. I immediately started having intrusive thoughts, then slowly started to develop a severe mystery condition and dysautonomia/pots. The crazy thing is though, that I have random days when it's almost like my body remembers wtf it's supposed to be doing and all of the pain, exhaustion, tension, and anxiety suddenly evaporates. It's like every cell in my body collectively sighs in relief. The same thing happens if I'm prescribed steroids. I guess what I'm wondering is, can ocd can be secondary to another condition?

What kind of ERP can you do for depersonalization?

Can people share what some of their experiences with medication has been like? What meds were/ are you on and has it been helping?

Has anyone ever recovered from an OCD theme? Are we doomed to struggle with our themes our whole lives or will they go away? I could use a little hope.

Hi everyone so I been seeing here that everyone has problems sleeping and nightmares with their theme I also do too but I also have a very heavy sleep I had nightmares wake up and have many intrusive thoughts but my sleep is too heavy that that I don’t fully wake up I try to fight them saying that is not my thoughts or fighting with them talking while I sleep this triggers me so much because my theme is Religious ocd and I have blasphemous thoughts:( I’m scare that I will say something while I’m half awake. I feel super attack by this thoughts at in the nights and early mornings because I’m a heavy sleeper I will wake up but not fully. This also makes me feel bad because I see everyone having panick attacks and wake up and I don’t which it makes me feel that I don’t care even thought I really do a lot when my theme first started I wouldn’t even sleep the whole night. Also sometime I’m scare I will speak my thoughts aloud and today I woke up thinking god won’t forgive me for all this thoughts like when I fight them in the nights they fight back and it’s really disturbing all the things they can say any advice or have you guys been through something similar also I am not very patient person so ocd has trigger that too because I been so upset that I’m not able to go back to my normal life or so upset that my whole world has tun upside down every time I feel any emotion happy, sad, mad it flips it and it makes a thought saying I’m blaming God for this episode in my life it also doesn’t help that anything I see about God triggers me and I haven’t been able to get near him I have fear of the unpardonable sin passages and as you guys know if you guys have read the Bible talks a lot about blasphemy I feel like everytime I read a passage or I try this theme comes out and for my people dealing with the something as you guys know ocd sometimes makes you think you come out with this thoughts when you don’t I fight them all the time but I feel condemn all the time also which it doesn’t help any advice please! The reason I want to get out of this theme fast is because I want to get rid of this thoughts but I also have false memories that I don’t know if they do sure happend that triggered me for example in the beginning when all of this started I would wake up I heard my self say something and then I would panic and I don’t know if it really happened or not and others where I fighting with my thoughts and then when I will come back to reality My brain locks like I don’t remember if I was saying thoughts aloud and fighting thoughts aloud please help. I know people will tell me God knows my heart but ocd is a monster sometimes it makes me believe this thoughts are mine and it will make me feel things for example when I get a thought I get a urge to smile and I really don’t anxiety anymore just worry. I feel like feeling condemn doesn’t help because I’m not upset at God but I also don’t understand this and I think like everyone when we go through hard stuff we ask why I know that it’s normal but my ocd flips it and I gives me terrible thoughts that make me feel more condemn. Any advice please

POCD 18+ I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for the past m/o to loli hentai and other explicit fanfics with young cartoon characters occasionally when I was 16-18. I stopped two years ago, and I’m 19 now but I’m getting intrusive memories of doing it and I immensely regret it. I hate myself forever. And you people should hate me too. I’m worthless. I’m a disgusting creature who deserves nothing but the upmost anger and disgust from you all... god help me...

I'm not diagnosed with anything. So today a friend of mine brought alcohol to school and a bunch of us took some. I took a sip of it and I knew I shouldn't take it cause I'll start feeling anxious but I took it anyways. It's been an hour and I'm getting anxious. I'm staying to think that I'll have psychosis or that I'm having liver failure or something. I know I didnt take enough for that by I'm still kind of freaking out. Can someone help

I’m having intrusive thoughts of something horrible happening to a loved one and the ocd says that I’m “attracting it to happen” and that no matter what I say or do I’ll “attract” this to become reality when I know logically that it was just a thought but the what if and the “if you do this then____ will happen” I just feel so intensely afraid and I never want these things to be real obviously but idk it’s just a scary what if and it’s hard to believe that something that feels so real is just a thought—- then I proceed after recognizing it’s just a thought to fear that saying that somehow the universe will cause that horrible thing to happen as “proof” so I just sit and wait and beg everyone to be careful and keep in contact with me so I know they are ok The thing is is that nothing ever happens but the fear just feels like it’s actually occurring Goshh I’m a friggin mess

Last night i had a had a dream about an ex and then they changed into a man 😞. Any advise anyone ?

This is for those who experience menstrual cycles: If you have a period does it make your OCD worst during that time? I think today will be the first day of my cycle and I’ve been super bad today.

I need advice..: so I talked to this guy and I felt like I really like him and then he got scared and said he needed to make himself happy first so we stopped talking then one day he called and now we are talking but I keep feeling like I’m not really into him and I really wish I was and I’m still sticking around giving this a chance I just don’t feel like I’m very attracted to him but I think I have something really good and idk if I need to back off so he doesn’t get hurt or if I should keep giving it a chance. It’s been maybe a little over a month since we started talking and I’ve only hung out with him twice when we met and when I stayed the night we him. Advice and opinions please?