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sorry i’m having a rough ocd day and just wanted to vent. having hocd is like rubbing an eraser on a piece of paper until it wears a hole in it and the entire page is ruined. that’s how i feel about relationships and my sexuality. i can’t enjoy anything romantic. i can’t connect to anyone on that “next level.” i’m too busy monitoring my every thought and feeling under a microscope 24/7 to the point where i can’t experience crushes or anything relationship-related without anxiety sucking the enjoyment from it. i feel like i’m watching everyone around me live life normally with their significant others and i’m just alone behind a wall of glass because nothing feels right to me. i lose feelings for guys the minute they show interest so i’ve subconsciously(?) started going after guys who are emotionally unavailable or live far away. i can’t stop analyzing my past for clues, i can’t stop trying to make mental connections, i can’t even identify what my true feelings are because my mind is so skewed with anxiety. i feel i’m just naively repressing my real feelings, i feel like i’m unknowingly in denial, and i just feel so disconnected from myself and others. i’m terrified that i’ll never be able to get close to someone without hocd ruining it. i don’t want to date girls but even typing that sentence, my mind is compulsively checking to see if i really mean that. i don’t think i want to date girls. i think i want to date guys, but what if it’s just comp. het? (which was the most triggering discovery for me btw). i’m just inexplicably worried that the “solution” to all of this is truly just me being a lesbian. i don’t want to be, but it feels like an inevitable “sentence” that i’m going to have to accept eventually. it gives me so much anxiety because it doesn’t feel like me. but with hocd i don’t even know what “me” really feels like anymore. i’m so frustrated. it’s been almost 6 years that i’ve been dealing with this and i’m starting to lose hope. i feel like i just can’t participate in life the way everyone else does. i feel like i’m doomed to live out the rest of my life without a relationship because i just can’t see myself peacefully dating someone without doubts eating me alive. i’m so beyond jealous of people who don’t have to deal with this. it makes me feel like an incomplete person, like parts of me are missing and i’m just defective and lying to everyone. hocd sucks. and of course i’m often stuck ruminating about whether it really even is hocd instead of just denial. these thoughts make me feel so isolated and i’m just so incredibly sick of it. but anyway. thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

This is officially the worst day I’ve had in years. I was having a bad day and in the way home from my family member with cancer’s house, we saw my cat dead on the road. Now my cat is dead AND my ocds acting up even worse.

Man I am doing compulsions like crazy today. My anxiety about being a lesbian is super high. I keep getting the feeling that I was never as attracted as I should be go men. That thought is killing me ay the moment.

Possible trigger warning im not sure I hate this so much, i feel exactly like a lesbian and i just wanna cry and sleep and the thought of being happy w/ a girl or being happy being a lesbian makes me so sad cause its not what i want But i feel like im attracted to girls now, see why guys like them and would like being w/ them even though i dont want to And THEN that im not attracted to boys anymore, not understanding what’s attractive about them (or not be able to be attracted to them) and wouldn’t like it even though i do want that, so badly:( but now even saying that feels like a lie and like i cant have it I hate this how did this completely alter my sexuality I don’t do anything but talk about this, cry, and sleep now im barely living Is this what figuring out your sexuality is like? Like GOD, i wish i wanted women and didnt have all these fucking conflicting feelings, but everytime i say i want women i get sad and depressed and feel lost and then terrified i actually want them and DONT WANT THEM then when i say i want a man, i get feelings of disgust / repulsion / idefk and i HATE IT and wanna cry even more and that makes me more sad / triggers me more than the thoughts of girls now like OMG Bruh is this what figuring out sexuality is like or is this ocd cause imma bout to leap off a bridge (not literally nocd, for the most part) Like my goodness any sexuality / gender / anything would be easier than this shiz

Tw Pocd I’m so freaking out right now I think I had an intrusive thought or real thought to look at my nieces private part on purpose and I didn’t but still why would I ever want to do that. She’s in a bathing suit and it’s freaking me out……I don’t know what to do 😭😭😭

I'm so sick of dealing with rocd. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a month and a bit but we've been talking since September. My rocd has been with me since then too. I'm so done with dealing with the constant uncertainty and never know what's gonna happen. What if I lose feelings? What if if I'm not obsessed over him it means I don't like him or that I eventually will not like him? It's like, I feel ocd stole a lot of things from me. I've suffered the same with figure skating. I loved doing my sport, but I felt the need to be obsessed I'm order to "comprove" I actually loved it. And was scared that if I started not to be I'd lose those extremely exciting feelings that meant I was passionate about it. I overcome my ocd in figure skating; and noticed that yes I loved it, but also wasn't obsessed with it and it felt so weird... Eventually I started feeling unmotivated and quit. And I get so frustrated, it's like I feel like ocd stole figure skating from me. I just wanted to enjoy it and although I did you know... The same is happening with my boyfriend. I love him so much but I'm so tired of dealing with this exhaustion every single day. At this point, I feel like breaking up would make me feel so relieved, free from all those concerns,... I'm so so so done. I just wanted to live life normally.

Hi guys!! I had harm ocd & still somewhat do i haven’t met with my therapist yet I’m very new to this site, but I would watch Ali greymonds videos on YouTube she also had ocd herself & it helped me a lot I’m almost feeling back to my regular self again so if you’re ever feeling hopeless at any time of the day pls go watch & there is hope I am telling you, use the same mental energy that you’re using to focus on the thoughts, to not focus on them. You will not act on these thoughts, you’re not a bad person, these thoughts are ocd thoughts not yours, these thoughts go against your own thoughts that’s why you are scared of them. We are just sensitive people with sensitive brains lol nothing to feel bad about. Trust me I had 10/10 anxiety 6 months ago I thought I was never going to get out of it I thought it was going to be my new forever but I put in the mental work everyday & im slowly but surely getting myself out of it. You have to push yourself mentally everyday though, just like a diet you can’t eat good for 3 days & see a change the first 2 weeks will be the hardest because your brain will be trying to pull you back in (this is for the people just starting to fight back still with 10/10 anxiety) the thoughts, images, dreams, etc, will all get scarier you will get the same thoughts in hundreds of different ways none of them matter, they are not real, even tho they feel so real it’s all just a ocd scam ocd makes everything feel real even tho it is not, the what if thoughts after are just as irrelevant as the original thought itself, let the thought be there & pass don’t question yourself don’t look into it only makes it worse. After you push hard thru and tell yourself that you are no longer wasting your time to focus on these thoughts that YOU are in control & YOU choose to ignore, you will notice you will start to feel so much better & it will give you motivation to keep going, there’s always good & bad days in recovery but don’t focus on them accept whatever you’re feeling if it’s a bad day oh well if it’s a good day great. You’ve allowed your mind to see these thoughts as important & scary, so your brain sends you these thoughts on autopilot all day your reaction is what will keep them around, if you tell yourself yes these thoughts are so scary, why do I have to deal with this, I want this to go away, your brain will keep sending it to you as important & as a way to protect yourself, your brain doesn’t know what the thought is it just knows you react in fear so it believes you’re in danger (which you’re not actually it just doesn’t know that). So if you react to the thought without fear & choose to blow it off as not important that’s what your brain will see it as, it will take a while for your brain to mark these as not important after that’s how you treat them but that’s okay give it time to heal just continue to tell yourself this is just ocd it’s not important & you’re choosing to not focus on it. No matter how scary these thoughts are choose not to focus on them , your brain will send these thoughts with automatic feelings like fear, anxiety, sadness, etc how ever you reacted on these thoughts before, & is how it will send them in on autopilot for just alittle while before it realizes you don’t seem to focus on them anymore but just choose to ignore all the feelings, sensations, etc that come with these thoughts because they are all just ocd symptoms, just like with a cold it comes with annoying symptoms & they’re going to be there yes & is there anything you can do about it no, it’s just going to be there but the farther you get in recovery the less you will feel these symptoms. It DOES get better I promise & I am a 20 year old (just turned 20 yesterday 😌) so it doesn’t matter the age, if you WANT to get better you will, you just have to put in that mental work even though I know it is so hard, & it doesn’t matter what theme you have ocd works the same for everyone! Everyone gets these thoughts these are just junk thoughts we had happened to look to deeply into. I hope what I said helps atleast someone if you took your time to read this thank you ((: we all got this ❤️

Why don't the thoughts disgust me as much anymore?. Well sometimes they do them sometimes they don't 😔

Oh great now I’m dealing with false attraction So I was on a plane and there was a guy that could of been a minor I don’t know and I had an intrusive thought that he was cute and then I tried to cover the intrusive thought but thinking he was nice looking but now I feel guilty. I don’t want to be a freaking monster 😭😭😭

How do I stop obsessive thought's about the world. I live in fear everyday that I am in a dream.

Anyone with relationship ocd have thoughts about not being able to trust your partner? I love my husband. He is the most wonderful human being in the world so I hate that I’m having these thoughts. They all feed into my core fear of going crazy one way or another.

having a hard time right now. i feel like i deserve the worst. usually with my ocd, it's future based thinking. i can deal with that. the future's not real. only now is real. but i can't wrap my head around forgiving myself. when something is real and tangible. something that i've actually done. something i haven't confessed for. the consequences only waiting to happen. how farfetched is it for me to think the worst of myself? i worry that this isn't ocd. i've had other themes but i can't get past this one no matter how hard i try. i was doing good. but i feel like i'm stuck. it's not a "what if" anymore - it's a "this actually happened" and a "you're a terrible person" kind of a thing. anyone else? not looking for reassurance here. just hoping to not be alone

I am overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. Because at first I thought what I had might be OCD, but I don’t think anymore. Days ago I would post very often in here looking for reassurance, I would self reassurance and ruminate a lot. But lately it hasn’t been that way, I barely post in here looking for reassurance, and now I fear it might not be OCD. Lately I’ve been just feeling disturbed by my own mind, I fear I might have something worse than just OCD. I don’t know why am I typing this here, it’s not like you guys could bring me a solution, but I would like to know if someone has ever felt like this. I don’t know if the way I’ve been feeling has some connection with my Harm thoughts. But lately I’ve been feeling so strange, I feel so disturbed, like I am crazy, or like I am going crazy. Like my mind is a mess and I’m turning into a psychotic. And it really overwhelms me the fact that I don’t know if I want to actually cause harm or not. Is it that I already want it? Maybe I want it right now and I’m debating it for no reason. I don’t know I feel like I am living in a nightmare or in just some disturbing reality, or like I’m going in some sort of psychosis. I don’t know what’s going on in my head and I’m honestly scared. I feel like I’m going crazy in my own mind. And my harmful thoughts make it even worse because I feel like I could really do something and I honestly don’t know if I want to or not and ugh. It’s so hard feeling like this, like I am going in a psychosis phase or something.

Nothing to do with OCD but I have had 2 Cold sores in the past two weeks. I’m terrified of herpes.. I’m a Virgin btw, but this boy was all up on me and touching me one day. I can’t get herpes by thay right? Also I forgot to clean the toilet seat ONCE.. I can’t get herpes by that either rt?

Did anyone’s ocd ever get worse from smoking weed? I will NEVER touch marijuana again (no offense to anyone who uses it) but I’m so scared that it woke something up in me that will never go away. I am constantly paranoid, I feel disconnected, like everything is a dream, I am so aware of my body that it’s scary, and my ocd themes keep switching. It’s almost like my brain is on autopilot. I am so afraid that this will be my reality forever.

I have a tricky one.. real event ocd. I am in quarantine (day 11) due to my boss testing positive for covid. We didn’t spend much time together but just enough to warrant isolation. I had a cough beforehand and that got worse and so this caused intense panic and lots of other symptoms like fatigue, headache, muscle pain, etc. Not even sure if those symptoms are due to a cold, covid or just me freaking out for days. I got tested twice (day 1 and day 4) and both results came back negative so I felt better but also a bit confused because I did feel mild symptoms. On day 7 I got another negative result. At this point I felt pretty much normal and with 3 negative results and with all the stress I was going through I was like f this and had a friend sit with me outside on my patio (breaking quarantine). They stayed for about an hour and a half. I had a mask on for most of the time just in case and we mainly stayed 6 feet apart. Obviously looking back I regret doing this as it was irresponsible.. At the time I felt okay about it because I knew the odds of me having covid in the first place, let alone spreading it outside at a distance was very low but.. When it came time to answer calls from the health authorities and make it out like Ive been complying with their rules etc , thats when my OCD really got triggered, mainly due to lying and what the implications of that would mean. It felt like I was lying to the police about a murder or something. For example if I spread covid to this person who came over I could get in a lot of trouble. Or if somehow they found out I could pay a big fine etc. Especially since I gave them false information. All these scenarios started to hit me once I lied to them. I ended up getting a 4th test 36 hours after I was with this person (day 10) and again I tested negative. So at this point Im trying to sort of be like, theres a very very low chance I even have it, or spread it even if I somehow did, and also my symptoms are gone so would I even be contagious? Of course none of this is helping my OCD. My compulsion is to confess to the health authorities of what I did before anything bad happens, but part of me is like, do you enjoy paying fines? Because its so so unlikely anything bad will happen but if i say something ill just be getting myself and maybe even my friend im trouble. What do you guys think? If you genuinely think its worth confessing for non-anxiety reasons Ill consider it but the level of anxiety and guilt im having over this makes me think im 90% just being OCD. I have an opportunity to “right the wrong” by confessing, but its not like thats without plenty of consequences that surely might not be easier than just not worrying about this. I really feel like confessing would be me giving in to the anxiety. I just dont know what to do because im spending so much time ruminating about this. Like i cant think of anything else please help.

False memory ocd: How does this happen? Does it start with a "omg what if that happened " and then you give that thought so much attention and add potential details to it, so eventually you start believing it actually did happen because it now feels so "real"?

I usually drink coffee every day, but always a cappuccino. Today I had straight granulated coffee, and I was shaking so bad and felt EXTREMELY anxious. I told my mum, and she looked at me like, ‘c’mon’ and I felt so embarrassed because I could feel my heart beating through my chest and I felt like I was going to die. On top of this, I was going with my friend to a job interview, and I had to pick up some contact lenses before. I had my glasses on, and they were crooked so I sat on a bench with my friend to put my contact lenses in, and I couldn’t get them in because my hand was shaking so violently! Eventually I did, but it was so annoying. Like I had no emotional anxiety, but I was shaking like a leaf. And then we got into the place, and it was a room full of people. I wasn’t emotionally nervous but I was so self-conscious of how physically anxious my body was, and how shaky I was that I started to panic. For some reason, my vision went SO weird, like I can’t describe it. It just felt like something shifted and, as someone with intense health anxiety, this really freaked me out and I was struggling to concentrate. It eventually died down, but it was so stressful and embarrassing like my actual face was shaking!! Like my cheek!! Like WHAT! Just thought I’d write it here to see if anyone’s had a similar experience!

This might be TMI, but I just had sex with my boyfriend this morning and was literally in my head the entire time. Questioning myself, am I into this? Would I be more into this if he was a girl? Literally couldn’t enjoy myself fully because my mind just wouldn’t shut off. Any advice on how to shut it off? I can’t stop crying. I feel like I would actually enjoy it if I wasn’t so in my head the entire time. I’ve never had this problem before, but now it’s becoming an issue

I just saw something on Insta that super triggered me. One of those reels. It was like “if you’ve ever taken and ‘am I gay’ quiz online...happy pride!” Basically implying that if you’ve questioned your sexuality it could only possibly mean one thing. Is this true? Has anybody else had a -long- history of questioning and is in a happy relationship and 25 years old and still doesn’t feel like they can confidently say they are this or that sexuality? Is it normal to just question forever?