Welcome to
the NOCD Community

why do I feel like I would actually like eating 🐱?? is it me talking or my hocd??

I've currently been struggling with something that is going to make me sound like a piece of shit, even I recognize how messed up it's going to sound. Over the past couple months, I have been worrying about the proper way to interact with POC without coming across as racist. I know, this is already awful. I consider myself to be an ally who supports POC & civil rights movements. I'm ashamed of white people as a whole honestly, we've oppressed POC from the beginning of time. I've been even more so in the past year. I feel like my OCD has recently attached to this though. At least, I think it has, or maybe it's guilt knowing I'm white and part of systemic racism problem as a whole. When I pass a POC on the street, or in a place of business, I'll immediately start to get thoughts like "Am I coming across as rude? Am I being nice enough? Am I being too nice? Am I smiling too much? Am I smiling enough? Do I look uncomfortable? This isn't about me, so why am I anxious? Stop being so self centered. Are you appearing racist? What if this POC thinks I'm racist? That's awful to assume what they think. Stop making this about you!" And basically the entire time I'm trying to interact with someone of color, I have all this anxious dialogue in my head and I probably physically appear to be anxious, which in turn I'm sure the other person thinks "Why are they acting so tense/afraid?" It's not that I'm afraid of, or dislike POC, I'm way too overly cautious, I recognize that, and it's actually coming across as racist. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not, I can only imagine the racism POC have to endure on a daily basis. It's like my own OCD/anxiety is getting in the way. I hate it. I want to get over it. I don't know why it's coming up, but I want to get past this. It's all really disturbing to me, especially when I walk past/ talk to a POC & all these thoughts are rushing through my head. I know I appear visibly anxious, I just know I do, and I'm sure it's coming off as racist. I wish I could come out and tell the person "I'm sorry for this visible anxiety. I have severe OCD/anxiety/intrusive thoughts & none of this is because of you."

Core Fears I keep reading in articles that some say it is really important to know what the core fear is and I keep thinking that i need to get to this to really move forward. This hasn’t been explored much at all in my therapy with NOCD. How do I get down to my core fear and is this really needed? I know my triggers, avoidances and compulsions but I don’t think I really grasp what I am truly scared of. Is it hurting my partner, rejection, embarrassment? Won’t ERP just be prolonged torture until I get to the root of what I’m afraid of so that I can tackle that? Would trying to find my core fear be a compulsion or something worth trying to find out?

This is in regards to porn usage so 18 + So I used to read nsfw fanfic a lot , as a kid and an adult. Ive been questioning and ruminating lately over fanfic over characters with unconfirmed ages , and not knowing what age I imagined them in my head while reading. This is coming from someone who has unfortunately been exposed to a lot of taboo porn in the past and never really thought about it until my ocd developed. I have POCD and this has been really difficult for me to wrap my head around. Does anybody else have ocd with porn usage ? I'm questioning my motivation so much , and I'm worried if I go back and find the fic their ages will be confirmed somewhere . Even if I aged them up in my head or never saw the characters as younger than 18 (they were either 17/18 at the start of the show and my age by the end of it ) it still is bothering me . Just wondering if anyone else relates. Its very hard not to see porn usage as acting on intrusive thoughts

Tw pocd I know for a fact that these are unwanted intrusive thoughts not really sexual at all just more anatomy based but it’s freaks me out so much because I don’t want to think about this stuff like it’s so gross and disgusting. It makes no sense as to why I would get such sick thoughts. Just wondering if anyone relates I guess. I posted about it earlier but I just thought maybe someone could help me out. I absolutely hate this. It’s like the thoughts try to be so convincing like “you like the thoughts” or “you’re curious about these thoughts” I want to go cry in a corner

Apologies in advance for the babbling. I'm kind of scared to have therapy. I mean, I've had it twice before (not for OCD, just for general stuff) but I never really felt an impact from it. It may have been because both instances were child therapists that would report back to my mom. I've never been comfortable with indulging information about mental illness with my parents, because they'd react quite badly. For example, when I was ~13 I had suspected that I had Autism SD, specifically Asperger's, since I fit the bill. I told my mom, and she told me that I did have Autism, as I had a Speech Therapist when I was a baby who informally diagnosed me with it. But of course, I was "cured" from it. She didn't really believe in me until years later my sister got a PWD card for her own mental illnesses. Then, she let me go to my sister's therapist in hopes of getting a second discount-I mean diagnosis. I didn't really want to go to that specific therapist because he may already have an impression of me before I even met him, but every other therapist nearby was booked. I hated talking to him. I felt like I had to put on a nice girl show because most of his questions revolved around my school and other patients he'd talk about. I prefer taking my time to explain, but he just kept cutting to the chase and saying "That's normal" befote I could finish explaining. The first two sessions were unsuccessful, and the therapist just said I was normal. I decided to just spill all the beans on the third session, but the pandemic stopped me. I was supposed to continue online, but my mom asked if she could have the therapy instead because she was so stressed. Context: Separated parents, dad paying for most things, including therapy. I caved in. Now, my dad thinks that I still have therapy, so I literally can't pay for a session anywhere. I can't use insurance either, because I'm from another country and I don't have medical. I barely have any money saved up because my mom takes it too. On top of that, I'm terrified of having online therapy at home because I don't want any of my family members hearing me. I share a bedroom with my nuclear family (excluding dad) and the walls are extremely thin. The closest thing I have to privacy is my phone passwords. None of them know that I suspect myself to have OCD, and my mom literally told me (not in English so it's not verbatim), "I can't have two children with mental illness," so I guess my slot's been taken. I've been telling myself to wait until college so I can utilize services in school, but don't know how much longer I can stay sane. If anyone has any suggestions that are hopefully free, please help a gal out! I guess I'll be posting more often?

Strange strange stuff this HOCD (if it even is real) One thought when I was high as a kite off edibles has turned my life upside down sucidial every single day would love to close my eyes and not wake up. I am certain in my own mind I love girls, even the smell of a girl can turn me on But for some crazy reason I can’t stop thinking if am gay this and that when deep down I really don’t think I am but why can’t I stop obsessing about it? I’ll be masterbating to lesbian porn, just regular porn and be really enjoying it but then out the blue I get a picture of a gay person I know and you would think if I was gay that would turn me on but it knocks me sick and just makes me not wanna masterbate at all, but why the f*** is that thought in my head then? So hard to understand something I can’t even understand my self, going threw the motions at the moment and literally don’t know how long I can last.

Rumination doesn’t actually lead to solutions, and can leave you more depressed, anxious, and unsure. How do you stop ruminating?

so sometimes i ignore my thoughts and avoid them, or be like "yeah whatever it's not the time for this bullshit" or "i really don't have the time and energy to do this" and then they go away. this makes it feel like denial even more because i saw someone say once "if you can ignore it then it's denial, if you can't then it's hocd" and i am so scared it's actually denial. i don't want to love girls God please😭😭

An OCD theme of mine is true. This isn’t the OCD telling me this either, it’s definitively true and I have proof of it outside of intrusive thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I feel so horrible and can’t think straight. I feel nauseated and lightheaded and I feel like I’m in a sick horror movie where I’m forced to watch myself act in ways I can’t control and don’t want, but I’m powerless against it. All I want to do is kill myself or hurt myself. I don’t want to be alive anymore. There’s no point to any of this. I have absolutely nothing and realizing that this theme is true only is showing me that I have even less of a reason to live. I don’t want to exist. I don’t have anything that makes me happy or gives me purpose or makes the pain go away. There’s nothing anymore. Please don’t comment to peddle religion onto me. I have desisted and don’t plan on returning to faith.

I’m scared I had an orgasm to an intrusive thought of some disgusting image I saw on tiktok. If I did I don’t think I can live with myself and now I wanna take my own life. My mind was so full of intrusive thoughts it was crazy so I really don’t know what I had an orgasm to

Off topic but how did you guys decide on a college major you love?

wait aren't compulsions done to alleviate the distress caused by the thoughts? that being said then checking and testing aren't compulsions right? and imagining scenarios isn't either. so is this not hocd? am i just in denial???

Me: Ahh finally a moment of peace! Ocd: hahaha, wait for it

when i was first hit with hocd i couldn't do anything at all, but now i ak able to move on with my day and do simple tasks and even go out, which makes me feel like this isn't hocd because ut doesn't impair my life anymore, which must mean i am in denial

Does your OCD ever cause/make worse physical symptoms? I had some weird and vague health stuff - lightheaded, dizzy, fatigue, nausea, etc. - and definitely see now that I was obsessing and ruminating on the symptoms and what might be happening to me. They didn’t go away for months. I took every test my doctor could think of and everything was clear. I’m wondering now if my OCD was making those symptoms persist and worsen..? Like maybe they were related to anxiety generally and the obsessing was making it stay longer? Has anyone had an experience like this?

A new student in my remote class today did some things that were so noticeable to me: getting flustered when I did something “out of order”, repeating phrases or counting over and over, and checking her math problems over and over and over. I know that while I’m extra tuned-in to notice those struggles, that my noticing is absolutely so far from any diagnosis. All the same, I just felt for her because my math work kept me up past midnight already in 4th grade with those similar compulsions, and I hate to think of other children struggling so much. (I did also see those organizational and checking tendencies help her do another task better than less-careful students, so there’s that...) I’m a bit unsure of what to do when she insists on checking and rechecking from the beginning again when we “make her lose her place”. I have to check in with all the students, make sure I give everyone enough time, but also not get stuck on one thing for too long in my half-day sessions or make everyone who’s finished wait till they are no longer focused. I also know if I had been told that she does have OCD, that it would be another reason not to support her compulsions, but at this point in time I don’t think it’s my place to bring anything like that up at all. I know I’ll figure something out. It’s definitely something I can be extra sympathetic towards without just giving her a pass at doing whatever she wants. I totally remember a bunch of strategies I figured out before my diagnosis, so I’ve got plenty of things to subtly try. I’m so glad she’s joined my class and is participating so fully. Maybe my understanding of issues like this won’t help her in anyway, but maybe they will. How’s that for embracing uncertainty with a positive outlook? ;)

No one has the same thoughts I have 😔

i keep seeing people on here saying they never questioned their sexuality before and it makes me sick because i have and this is further proof that i am in denial. i questioned it though not because i liked a girl, but because i fit a lot of those stereotypes and started believing tiktoks saying stuff like "if you do this you're bi" or "if you like this you're bi" and some of them applied that's why i thought i was bi, but even then i didn't fantasize about girls and didn't feel like i was truly bi. but this makes me sick to the stomach. this doesn't feel like hocd anymore, it just feels like i am struggling with my sexuality and i hate it. i just please i don't want to like girls or be with girls please :(

i truly believe i am a lesbian/bisexual in denial. i am truly convinced of that. can this all feel this real???