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It feels like I’m just walking around “knowing” I don’t love him. Like that’s what it feels like at this point. Like I’ve accepted it. It makes me feel this way but I just can’t go through with the break up. But it keeps feeling like I want to. I don’t feel anxious or sad I just feel whatever this feeling is.

So something happened to me when I was a kid. There was some sexual “exploration” when I was 7/8 with kids of similar age, whom I am related to. I oscillate between “oh that’s normal for any kids” and “holy fuck that’s messed up.” Admittedly, there were one or two moments where it was distinctly uncomfortable for myself, and those moments may in fact be labeled as “traumatizing/abusive” On the whole, I feel apathetic to the events. It is what it is. And then there’s the intrusive thoughts. Constant. Anytime I try to connect sexually with anyone. The better I know the individual the harder it is to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I’m pouring a glass of milk and balm, all engrossing “flashbacks”. So I’ve been slowly limiting these triggering activities. This has led to a complete shutdown of my sex drive. I’ve lost relationships over my low drive. I stopped checking out attractive people. I can’t fantasize without an intrusive thought. The list goes on and on, it’s so pervasive. It’s waxed and waned over the years, but 5 years of psychodynamic therapy has only told me this was “abuse” and “traumatic.” Now, in the lens of OCD and anxiety, I have to consider, what if it was just normal exploration (maybe with some questionable moments/trauma) and all the real trauma is the years spent obsessing over it, losing relationships, and cutting off my access to my pleasure? I once had this wild urge and visualization for weeks to cut off my dick with a rusty spoon, bc I was struggling to connect sexually with my then partner, struggling to climax, struggling to get it up, struggling with all these intrusive thoughts (this ushered in a decade long era of what i now acknowledge as SOOCD) And now I’m trying to explain all of this to my therapist of 5 years (psychodynamic, doesn’t believe in diagnosis, and disagrees with my NOCD therapists diagnosis of OCD) and she’s convinced that it’s just abuse and trauma from those sexualized moments when I was a child. The context I’ve built over the last 5 years around this topic is too fortified for my therapist to see through I think. Thoughts?

OCD is so bizarre. One minute I feel so sure that I know who I am. And I’m pleased that I know who I am with such conviction. And then, sometimes within a matter of seconds, that feeling of conviction just falls to pieces. I’m circling and circling around in my head, searching for pieces of certainty to get back to that place of a conviction. The same scenario plays in my head, where I’m stood still in freezing anxiety after having come to the realisation that I’m someone different to who I thought I was, all the intense crushes, relationships, daydreams I had about men were just illusory. I was never straight. I was always a latent lesbian. Reading that back to myself, I see how irrational it is. And I’ll admit, it’s relieving. But. What I described is based in reality for some people. The reason I have such a specific scenario play in my head is because I’ve heard it numerous times. Despite it being rare for someone to be gay and not know past puberty, the shred of possibility makes it so, so real to me. God.

This is the first time I’ve even “had time” to cry in the past couple weeks. I don’t even know that I’m getting OCD stuck because I either don’t have time to think, or when I do, I just feel like a numb mushroom. Though I can still recognize feelings of doubt, guilt, and confusion even if I don’t have time to fully deal with things on a cognitive level. My stomach has been in knots and my chest has been tight for weeks. I want this teaching job to work. The company who hired me wants it to work. I love teaching for them. It should fit into place even if supplies are delayed or even teaching schedules are last minute. But at some point the fact that this is a job, not one of my volunteer activities, has to matter too. Sure, I choose to volunteer more of my time than I’m paid for; teachers are notoriously doing that, just as many other professionals. How much should I just accept? When do I push back? I want it to work out still, so where’re all the lines? And on top of it, I will live up to my name of Karen and push for others, but struggle so much to stand up for myself. After a lifetime of practicing that (I hated when my mom would make me do it, but I now love that I can at least a little) I now have a whole other reason to question speaking up for myself. Actually I don’t have time to cry or write this. I’m already late for the next thing. I’m so tired of feeling fragile and on the edge of just breaking. Thank you for letting me vent. My partner is also dealing with so much stress that he only has so much energy left for me to share with him. Thank goodness we have an empathetic dog.

i hope someone can relate to this. i feel like i just did something bad and i feared i would do it in the moment. now some minutes later, i can remember me doing it or i don’t know that i’m creating a false memory from thinking so much.

I don’t know if this is harm ocd but a long time ago I had an intrusive thought about my friends dad because she told me that her dad was sick and I had a bad intrusive thought about him for some reason because she stopped talking then to me for some reason and I had a revengeful intrusive thought about her dad and it freaked me out because I would never want anything bad to happen to someone. And then a while later two of her family members passed and I felt like it was all my fault. So now every time I’m around my friend I feel so guilty but I know I would never want that or want anything bad to happen to someone especially when it comes to death. It’s not me at all. Did I have the intrusive thought because I was angry or frustrated at her? I feel like whenever I say I never want anything bad to happen, I feel like I’m in denial. I hate myself and I hate ocd if that’s what this is. I just don’t understand it

i just had the weirdest experience with my intrusive thoughts and need to share. if anyone has some advice or have experienced something similar a reply is much appreciated. i don't wanna feel alone or unheard right now. i haven't been diagnosed with OCD, but i'm currently in the process of reaching out to a psychiatrist it's just been hard. i've had to miss my first appointment twice now because of mistaken dates and medical reasons. i'm dealing with a lot of stress so these intrusive thoughts don't help my growing anxiety. anyway i should get to the point. i don't remember the events that took place in my dream but towards the end is when it started to get weird. i don't remember ever seeing/hearing anything triggering but i was filled with panic and dread. i started performing mental compulsion in my dream which isn't a rare occurrence. sometimes if a dream of mine is to disturbing i become kind of aware and am able to perform my mental compulsion in my sleep. saying it out loud kinda sounds stupid. it sounds like i'm talking about a super powers. afterwards i awoke, kinda, it was more like a half awake state, but i remember what happened with my compulsions in my dream. i still don't remember what the dream was about then and even now. it almost sent me into a spiral but with my tired brain i was able to reassure myself enough that it was just a dream to fall back asleep. so i continued sleeping until the thoughts struck up again this time in the form of agreeing to something. i didn't know what i had agreed to at first but once i did the intrsuive thought appeared and i freaked out to what i had just agreed to. i started denying the thoughts and trying to reassure myself and that's how my dream kinda went on just my brain performing the same repetitive phrases i use to reassure myself. what finally happened that freaked me out is i remember the feeling of thrusting my hips. i was afraid i felt geniune arousal from my dreams. even though there was nothing triggering i was just so afraid of being aroused by the concept of my intrusive thoughts. when i finally decided to wake up realizing i wouldn't sleep anymore tonight i came on here and started typing this message out by now i'm pretty sure my intrusive thoughts have subsided a bit. i still want to share this experience though because it's comforting to hear from others who suffer from the same thoughts. i'm sorry for being very vague about all this. it was a vgaue dream and discussing of my intrusive thoughts is often triggering for me so i tried to speak about it as little as possible.

QOTD: What would you say to the community without OCD if you had the chance? I would merely make sure everyone knew the crap we have to go through every day, but I would thank them for being there-ish for us.

This feels so so real. I am 100% convinced I don’t love him and don’t want to be with him. I’m still trying to fight it but the thoughts and feelings won’t go away and every day it just feels more true

Trying my best to word this without asking for reassurance- I am really struggling with the thought that I may have lied about something to my husband 2 years ago and that it was something important. I don’t remember feeling like I was lying at the time. I believe I probably left out certain information because I did not think it was relevant to his question, but now my mind is trying to tell me that I thought I was lying at the time and/or he would think it’s a lie. I am trying to remind myself that this is a very gray situation, and that someone can say something is a lie, and someone else can say it’s not a lie, and that’s it’s a matter of opinion. My main compulsion is confession and I’m really sitting through the urge right now because I know if I confess this something will just take it’s place. Any feedback on dealing with obsessions around lying?

I need advice on what people do to overcome OCD (no matter the type.) besides meds & therapy.

I talked to my little sister about what happened when we were kids. I think I blocked it out growing up because I thought it was gross when I realized it was wrong and then thought oh well we were kids. She never said anything to me until now during a fight and we always had a bad relationship from ages 18-now (I’m 24 and she’s 23) this happened when we were in elementary school maybe 7-8 years old? I would do stuff with her sexually from stuff I’d seen online. And back then I think it was mutual. I don’t ever remember forcing her to do anything, I probably tried to seduce her into doing it and there was one time I recall she said “no” and I cried and left. I remember being sad because it was fun for me and I enjoyed it and now that I’m older saying that makes me sick to my stomach. I have never been attracted to my sister or anyone in my family in that way the older I got. I weirdly started to realize that wasn’t right. Idk how it stopped but it just did. It was never recurring for months and years, maybe a few times and that was it? But I do know I was the instigator, it was me who wanted to “play”. I liked it. Again, I feel gross. I’ve always been with men and I never felt romantic with women, I’ve kissed girls but it was whatever never anything sexual and I have been confused if I was bi but the thought of it makes me wanna vomit because of the connection to what happened as kids. She spent most of my life torturing me and being cruel, but we were still oddly close! We would hangout everyday and take pictures and had bf’s and texted and FaceTimed, we were best friends but she’d always be awful to me and up until now I always thought what did I do!!! Leave me alone!! And now I realize it’s that: she said she was over it and she’s been wanting to be close to me forever but after she dated this one really bad guy when she was 13, she got into the wrong crowd, did drugs, she strips now and she has got beat up and almost killed several times. So I chose to stay away because I don’t respect her life style and because it’s put me at harm too many times and I have so many mental health issues that I just wanna be happy and she kept bringing me trauma and anxiety. I think that her being mean to me as a kid was well deserved I mean I was a dumb idiot kid, I honestly hated myself then and even now I HATE that version of me, I wish I could go back and actually be there for me because all I ever wanted was attention and to feel close and maybe that’s why I did that? Maybe it made me feel close??? Idk! I was exposed to sex pretty early and was humping the bed and loved seeing sex on screen. I remember we’d play with a neighbor like this too and she would play with her but not with me and that’d make me sad and cry and feel excluded. I was a messed up fucking kid and we talked and we’re okay she just wants to be friends and she never stopped wanting that. But it’s hard to want that when she won’t even take accountability for being mean even, she just blames me for everything and that included things that actually aren’t real, she does this stuff where she things everyone has to kiss her ass and she does have bipolar disorder and depression and her and my mom have similarities I don’t get along with their of them. Idk. It’s just hard forgiving myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it. Even tho she seems to be totally fine and doesn’t care, she mostly said that to hurt me and get a reaction and then talk about it so we can be cool. IDK IM STUCK. This is too long and fucked up I don’t expect a response I’m just letting it out before I can find a therapist to talk to, it’s been hard finding one.

I don’t know if I have anxiety or OCD but I’m sick of feeling so stressed and so guilty all the time. Like that’s all I feel these days. There was a girl that killed a biker by my school and 1 I was worried that I did it and forgot. 2 I was so stressed about thinking of her side and how she felt that I was sick the rest of the day. I don’t know how to control this either it sucks.

I'm sorry I keep posting. My therapy sessions ended with nocd. I miss the support. How do I get through this? The anxiety turns my stomach for most of the day while I do my erps for breathing ocd while I try and balance work and stay positive. I wish I could go back in time and not stress about anything that happened this year. I wouldn't have activated this ocd. Those who recovered. How you stay the course?

Does anybody feel like they ‘should’ be able to outthink the thoughts? Even though i’ve tried to rationalise them away it’s like the moment that one reappears every previous lesson learnt or realisation is made redundant by the fact you’ve had the thought again, it’s so hard not to get mad or judge them in any way.

Hey y'all, happy Wednesday:) I'm going to be honest here and this is really hard for me, but for the past few weeks I have really not been okay. I have a lot of things working against me at the moment and I'm really doing my best to be positive and kind to myself. I just wanted to let everyone know its okay to not be okay and its a human thing to feel from time to time. You don't always need to put on a brave face okay?😊 and just because you're having a moment does not mean that it'll last forever. Us with ocd tend to see things in black and white and never ending. That is not the case in reality 💗

Hi just wondering if anybody has ever had the same thoughts I’ve went threw ROCD HOCD false memories you name it I’ve been there but this thought is killing me ive been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years she is the most amazing person on this world and she means everything to me the most important person in my life before I first met her I had been flirting with her friend she was very flirtatious and a pretty girl I only met her friend about 3 times everytime I was drunk well she had a boyfriend so that was that for the friend and that’s when I met my girlfriend there wasn’t that initial spark or sexual chemistry like there was with the friend but as I got to know her the more I fell for her 2 and a half years later I love this girl with all my heart I can’t imagine my life without her she is perfect to me in so many ways but the thought came to my head what if you would rather be with the friend since there was that initial spark or whatever keeping in mind I haven’t spoke to this girl for 3 years I can’t even remember a conversation we had and I can’t shake this thought it causes me so much anxiety I just want to go back to how I was with my girlfriend before these thoughts thinking about getting married having children together all these things and now the mention of it sends me into a anxiety attack if anybody has any advice or anything I would love to hear it I just want to love my girlfriend how I did before and not have these stupid thoughts :(

I know your suppose to just go on with your day and not give your ocd theme attention but when it feels so so real and you believe it ...going on like normal seems impossible...any tips with not falling for it...it gets deep down to my core and I fully doubt myself 😔

I watched straight porn… knowing full well I was focused on the women but my mind always tells me I was focused on the man and want the guy. Now I’m thinking have I always been focused on the guy this entire time? Maybe I have I really don’t know anymore. But it just sounds like denial.

Lately I’ve been scared remembering a dream I had a while back where I acted inappropriate to say the least with a child , I remember waking up that day feeling so guilty that my consciousness even let me do what I did in my dream I felt so scared that I had to tell my mom n I felt so disgusted n horrible n just needed reassurance that I’m not a pedo Does anyone have any ideas for dealing with dreams like this ?? I’m scared one day I might get one again n in general it’s so hard to even handle the memory that I even had a dream like that